I'm doing IT again

Remember the innocent days when "doing IT" automatically meant: having sex? The giggles that would ensue, the stern look we got from our teachers or parents...

In this instance, I'm not referring to IT as s-e-x.

Although......the hormones are starting to play tricks on me, and my blood pressure spikes even after Mook has come in from the yard covered in dirt and stinky. Mmm, manly man man-ness. Yummy!

The IT in this instance is what I felt myself doing the last time before we started IVF: retreating

I have this mental image of William Wallace (gotta be him because of my Scottish heritage) barreling towards me giving me the order to RETREAT!

I'm not backing out of the cycle, not retreating from the needles or the ultrasounds or even the hope that is creeping in. I am, however, feeling my mind slip into a state of auto-pilot.

I first noticed this was happening over the weekend when I was reading my most-loved gossip news: "Jessica Simpson has triplets and kisses a grizzly bear!" That may as well have been the title of the article, as I found myself re-reading them at least 3 times. Even the Daily Dose of Dempsey wasn't enough to snap me out of it. I know, I should be arrested...not swooning over Patrick is a crime in 38 states.

I don't know.

I just feel like I'm hovering about four feet over my body and looking down on a life happening that isn't mine. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything, and get this: I'm not even really thinking about IVF numero dos. Well, I guess I am and it's called: DE-NILE River. Get it? Hardy, har. Please laugh along with me...laughing is good for the soul.

So I have just proved CNN correct. Blogging has been therapy for me today, because I am admitting to you all that I am in denial about this upcoming cycle. Now I can begin to heal, right?

The signs of numero dos denial:

• Meds remain in the guest room, unpacked from the boxes.
  
• Med calendar is not in the least bit organized: this is a problem, because I think I start suppressing Wednesday. Must get organized.
• Mook asked me when my first ultrasound was: I gave him a blank stare. "What ultrasound?" Umm, yea.
• I got a call on Thursday from the financial person @ our clinic: "Hi JJ, just called to find out how you want to pay?" After a 30 second pause, I said, "Oh, I thought I had paid off our last cycle." to which she calmly said, "No dear, this is for your upcoming cycle." Right.
• I haven't even started looking for super-cool leg warmers. I told Mook there was no way I was going to transfer without some. Just too damn cold--and my clinic does not give out valium, so I need something!
  

Allow myself to diagnosis....myself: the less invested I am at the get-go, the less hurt I will be if it fails.

Now, to my blogging therapists--how have you snapped out of it, and how should I get my arse in gear? I'm not alone here, am I? Bueller?... Bueller?... Bueller?

Shouldn't I be uber-invested, so that rainbows and sunshine are coming out of my lady bits? I want to get up in the stirrups for my first ultrasound (thanks to Mook, I'll remember) and have the hallelujah chorus start playing. The sitcoms all have music playing at appropriate times, so why can't I?

Thank you so much for all the beautiful birthday wishes: it was all rainbows and sunshine for me yesterday!

Happy Birthday To Me

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Stevie Wonder is the man.

It doesn't matter where I am: when "Superstition" or "Sir Duke" comes on the radio, you are gonna see me booty-shakin'. "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" is one of my top three pick-me-up songs, and "I Just Called to Say I Love You" takes me down memory lane to when I was about five, and dancing in the kitchen with my mother as she sang to me:

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart!

"Signed, Sealed, Delivered" played joyously through the room as Mook and I walked through the doors as Husband and Wife. The perfect song to tell the world we were hitched! So this song has always held a special place in my heart-whenever it comes on and Mook is around, I grab him and we dance like fools (this happened recently in Sam's Club). So although we really need some paper towels in bulk (thanks to Mosley), Mook isn't jumping at the opportunity to go back...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The past few days, this Stevie favorite has come to mind for a few other reasons:

"The Box" came yesterday, and because of the personal nature of the contents I was the only one who was able to sign for it. I didn't get the butterflies I got last time, when I felt that all of these drugs were the magic ticket for getting us pregnant. Yesterday, I felt a bit more...numb. After I Signed for it, I placed the box under my desk and didn't think about it the rest of the day. Ignoring always worked in 3rd grade, when you wanted the boy you had a crush on to notice you--so I figure it could work on the meds too! I just won't pay them any mind, and then they will be dying for my attention!

Last Friday when I got home, I opened a package that had been Sealed with love.

"Hope is the eternal well from which life springs.
Hope is the promise of all good things."

This is what was inside. You may recognize it...because a sweet lady posted about this exact same bunny last year, in this post. She wrote: "It will someday be on my baby's crib as a reminder of how long I hoped to see him/her sleeping peacefully and what a blessing that day will be!" Cibele got her HOPE along with a BFP only days after this post...I remember how much hope it renewed in me to read that. So thank you my dear friend for passing along the hope to me.

The package couldn't have come on a better day, because the very next day my good friend Delivered her new baby girl: the day before Mother's Day. Any couple dealing with inferitlity that walks into a maternity ward on Mother's Day weekend, and doesn't have a mental breakdown, should be given a medal of honor (I'll contact the Pentagon and see what I can work out) I've mentioned before how wonderful these friends are, and honestly we are so happy for them--but jumpin' jehosaphat, that was a tough evening. When I held her and when I watched Mook hold her, my heart felt like it would jump out of my chest--there is no experience quite like holding a newborn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My birthday wish this weekend (well other than the obvious) is for you to put on your favorite booty-shakin' song and dance--like that cheesy saying, "like no one is watching" And even if they are, do it anyway.


Come back and tell me what song, and where you danced to it. That means you too, my lurker-friends! Or if you already know what song and where you'll be, go ahead and share--I may come find ya' and dance along! :0)

Green light, GO!

Mook's chromosome's are normal! We had a nice round of hoopin'-n-hollerin' on the phone--it's been so nice to give Mook good news--but like one smart woman, I reminded Mook it doesn't mean he's perfect ;0)

We are very thankful that this question has been answered, and along with the other puzzle pieces we've been collecting, we feel comfortable to give IVF numero dos the green light.

Big thanks to all who have been praying for us, and keeping this situation in your thoughts!

Thank you to everyone who left feedback about "Chunky or Smooth" After reading, and re-reading every one's comments and talking some more with Kate the IVF nurse, I've decided to stick with the PIO injections.

A few reasons: first one is a bit TMI, but I tend to easily get the infection caused by that thing that makes dough rise. So if I went with suppositories, I might be in for a mess...in more than one way. Another reason is my insurance: they cover PIO like it is baby aspirin, but give me a harder time about suppositories and pills--another lovely insurance mystery. Lastly, I'm used to it. It's one thing about this whole process that is familiar to me--and as weird as it sounds, it's a bit comforting to know I will be doing something I know I can handle.

I will be on BCP until May 21, and then I'll switch over to Lovely Lupron.
I've heard some horror stories from some of you about the headaches...I tend to become a raging mean-machine when I get hormone headaches. I had a really hard time with the estrace pills during the FET. So I'm hoping it will be worth the switch, since I won't be sniffing Synarel this time--headaches plus the taste of hairspray in my mouth was enough to make Mook want to slap a Biohazard sticker on my forehead.

While we're on the topic of crazy hormones, let me share a quick story...
I went into my local Starbucks on Tuesday--this happened to be an un-planned visit, since I've been weaning myself off caffeine. Isn't that the most lethal combination? Load up on hormones, and take away the coffee...not cool. Anyway--I'm so glad I decided to get coffee that morning, because it was free! A customer earlier that morning had left $100 to pay for other people's coffee. I've heard of this happening in other stores, so it was incredibly cool to be there while this was happening. As people found out their coffee was free, they gave over more money to keep the tradition going....I'm sure it lasted well into the day. Once I finally had my coffee, and was back in the car, I burst into tears! Then I started laughing, and then I really had to gain composure, because I know I looked like a crazy person laughing with tears rolling down my face. I need to look into getting that biohazard sticker...

OH! And I am really going to be a raging mean machine if Paris Hilton gets pregnant before I do, so help me God....I just might eat my weight in Big Macs if this happens.

I know it's going to be a tough day for a lot of us out there with what this weekend brings, so to all my future mommy buddies, I'm going to toast you this weekend for our continued journey together. To all of my mommy buddies, I'll be toasting you and and hoping that you will give your wee-one a nose nuzzle for me!


Speaking of Mother's Day, this question has honestly been bugging me the past few days when the commercial comes on TV. What does the owner of 1-800-Flowers get his wife for Mother's Day?

I blame it on those crazy caffeine deprived hormones...why the heck do I care what he gets his wife? He can probably buy her a country, if she wanted it. But it has honestly worried me, and I was running through all the things he might get her since, ummm, flowers are definitely old-hat.






P.S. Thank you sweet Kate and others for checking on us! We had terrible storms and a tornado touch down in our town last night. Thankfully, we will only have branches and leaves to clean up. (Kate also lives near by...glad you are OK!)
I have always been fascinated by tornadoes and would love to see one...in the Midwest, on an open plain...not on my street.

10 and a 0

This post marks 100 entries I have published into cyberspace! I could not imagine doing it on a sad/bad/mad note, so I'm just gonna get right to the best news of the day.

Mook's results:
10 million count; 20 % motility; 28 % morphology

By "normal" standards, this is still low, we are still 'great' candidates for IVF/ICSI, etc. but considering the fact that his first ever SA yielded only 2 million swimmers, we have reason to celebrate!! Mook has done a fantabulous job over the past year taking his vitamins, exercising, and eating well--and to be able to call and give him good news for once made me so happy. I could hear the excitement in his voice--he said "It's definite motivation to keep on track with what I'm doing!"

I'm also happy to report his infectious disease panel came back negative-so we are waiting on one last big piece of the puzzle: the chromosome results. Should be back by middle of next week--please pray, keep your fingers crossed, dance in the rain!

I can write about this now, because it's funny now but yesterday was looking pretty doom-and-gloom. Kate the nurse still hadn't gotten Mook's results faxed over from the lab (which should have been to her by Tuesday) so I had to do some investigating as to why...if you remember Mook's account of the sample/test-day, it was not an enjoyable time. He did end up dealing with a spectacular nurse at the lab he was instructed to leave his bodily fluids with. So I asked for her when I called to follow up.

Come to find out: the fax number was written down wrong...so yippee-let's fix it and get it on over to Kate to take a look-see! Not the end of the problem. Kind-lab-nurse calls me back--I immediately know something is wrong:

"JJ, honey, I've got some bad news...it seems that the urology office that Mook was referred to us from, didn't bother to mark on the form what you needed the SA for--therefore, we don't have the proper analysis results. The gist of what I'm trying to tell you: he's going to need to submit another sample."

Fuuuuuuuuudddddddgeeeeeeeeeee......

Making that phone call to Mook was the last thing I wanted to do...but he was a trooper. He was, of course, upset--so we both counted the days it had been since he, ahem, produced a sample and we were in a good time frame--thank goodness. So with a RUSH order in one hand, and yet another romance-in-a-cup in the other, he trotted into yet another lab. And I got the results two hours later!

When Kate the nurse called to tell me the news, I was thrilled! She must have been surprised, because she reiterated that we would still need medical assistance. But today, I'm celebrating the small victories!

More reasons to celebrate: it's May 1st and that means it's my birthday month! I celebrate all month long--in one way or another; just a small pleasure each day. Another way I'd like to honor my 100th post is by passing on a sweet mention that Waiting Amy gave to me last week.

There are many blogs that "Make My Day" so, I'd like to highlight a few that are like the cream in my morning coffee :0)

Bee Cee @ Definition of Insanity
Alison @ (un) complicate me
Mel @ Where's My Belly?
MommaSoon @ The Making of a Family
Alison @ The Baby Crusade

Now it's your turn ladies, to spread the love. Thanks for Making My Day!

The weigh-in about Chunky vs. Smooth is split almost even! Thanks for all your feedback--be sure to weigh in if you haven't done so--I order my meds on Monday!

So cheers to 100 posts, and here's to 100 more--I think you know what my wish will be as I blow out the candles...