Wednesday, September 26, 2007

2 Lines? Now what....

I never thought that I would notice that little phrase in every day conversation, i.e.: "You misspelled that word in 2 lines of the press release." or "Did you see the new intersection today? They just painted the 2 lines." I guess when you want to have something SO bad, that you start to find it everywhere...except where it counts.

Anywho, I did see those 2 lines. No, no don't freak out--we aren't a "miracle conception" couple after IVF (yet), but I did see a very dark 2 lines on my opk this past Friday. Thanks to Ms. Gabby (who just got a BFP!) I got to try some new opk tests, and started "dipping the stick" on cycle day 14. I saw a very faint line-so I was encouraged that these were gonna work! I still am not (and don't plan to) temping, and honestly didn't plan to use the dip sticks this time either--but I have morbid curiosity sometimes, so it got the better of me. So Friday came, and on CD 17 I got 2 lines that were dark-what a lovely sight. For a moment, I let myself smile--for the pure fact that I can't wait until I see those 2 lines on the "other kind of test" (that shall not be named).

But onto the "Now what..." Welllllll, Friday was not the best or ideal day for those 2 lines to make an appearance. As Mook and I got on I-95 headed north to D.C. (for the D.C. get-together!) I slyly say: "So umm, Im about to cook an egg." Of course his look was priceless-what crazy pills are you taking? But, since we are both so versed on all this baby-making lingo, he soon realized that I was using fancy-talk to tell him: it's time! Then it became apparent to both of us that we wouldn't really be able to take advantage of that over-easy egg this month. One: we were going to be staying with a friend Friday night (who has 2 small children that like to roam...) and Two: with family the next few nights, and Three: we were going to be dead tired from all the running around we were going to do over the next few days.

It is a hard, hard thing to accept that you won't or can't take advantage of every cycle you have. Sunny has had a similar experience this month too--and I know she and I feel similar about the disadvantages (and some advantages). Obviously, there will be no baby made this month. But, I gained a few things too--I don't have to stress over the next 2 weeks-at ALL. No what if's or maybe it happened. Hopefully my cycle is getting back on track, too. I can just let it go....and pray that I get 2 lines next month.

So maybe we could have skipped a trip to DC for a "maybe baby" month, but I am SO glad we didn't. It was a great trip--we packed a lot in! I got to see friends I hadn't seen in a long time, got to visit with my family, and meet some of the bravest and coolest women I know! It was surreal to be able to sit down and chat and enjoy their company. All of us come from different backgrounds and experiences, but we all get it. And that is a great feeling--knowing I didn't have to explain myself, or feel guilty for any feelings. Mook got to meet many of the ladies too! We headed over to LJ's house for football, and had a great time hanging out with LJ, DMarie and their significant others! Thanks was fun!

Things are pretty quiet for Mook and me...which is fine by us. Getting projects done, sending out some tunes for the BB girls, working on my happiness challenge, and enjoying my daily coffine (coffee in the AM, wine in the PM). We are thankful for the DIY time, and still hope. Hope that we can remain thankful for the blessings we do have, and for the blessings we hope to have...

Mt. Vernon at twilight--an evening with :just us: and it was perfect...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Empty and Full

Life is all about balance isn't it? You lean one way, and something or someone has to lean back in order to keep you standing. But what if I want to just sit?

Well, there are definitely some days (like today) that I just feel like sitting, but I have to say that I am trying to stand, and doing my best to stay balanced mentally and physically: and my happiness challenge is helping with both! My ticker to the right is moving, albeit slowly sometimes, but it's moving....and I am loving my morning walks. The temperatures are cooling, and I can't believe I let other things (like sleep!) keep me from having that "me" time in the early hours of the day.


A difficult thing happens on my walk: as I finish, I come around the corner towards my house, and it's the time when the school bus is stopping at my corner. Where my child could be boarding the bus. But it's an empty bus stop. Last year when I was being good about walking, this corner stop made me giddy-I had such happy thoughts about envisioning little JJ or little Mook getting on that bus. This year that empty stop is a reminder of 2 things: the baby I don't have, and the weight I have put on because of infertility.

There have been quite a few of you talking about the tighter pants, and this morning I was forced (Ill get to that in a minute) to get on a scale-and its the largest number I've ever seen. That just makes me screamin' mad! Because I know that its all IF related. What a lovely kick in the pants (ha, pun intended) that I have gained the weight, and now it's reminder of what I don't have. Food is definitely my comfort-I get excited when I think about going out to a restaurant I love--it's literally a chemical endorphin in my brain, and I have dealt with keeping it at bay for many years! I guess it will always be a battle...but my pants need to fit again!

So the reason I had to weigh myself this morning: it was my annual exam at my obgyn. Let me just tell you how excited (not so much) I was to go in this morning. First, let's talk about the name of my practice: _____ OBGYN & Infertility. Of course when I started going there, I didn't think about the last half of the name. But of course now...well, you get the idea. I am thankful they have been able to work with us up until referring us to an actual RE-my Doc moved very quickly to get things rolling for us. So no complaints. But oh lordy, today there was a full waiting room-all round, perfect, ready-to-pop bellies. There were a few of us with flat (umm, mine's not so flat) stomach's. I got called back pretty quickly, thank goodness-another plus. So then it's time to step on the scale. Yikes...I mean I was prepared for the worst, but not that number. Phooey. Then into the exam room: full and I mean full of baby pictures, announcements, etc. I almost started crying-but Doc was back in the room. And into the stirrups I went-the first time since ER. Then all he wants to do is chat while he's excevating my cervix...thanks, but I'll just lay here and stare at the ceiling.

So an empty bus stop and a full waiting room-both reminders of a long, hard and painful road, but a journey that's not over yet. No one has physically handed me a piece of paper that states I have to or need to stop dreaming of having my child wait for that bus, and being that ready-to-pop woman in the waiting room. So I promise to start turning that corner with a smile back on my face, and I will make more of an effort not to sneer when I see a bulging belly headed my way=)

OH! And just to make you shake your head: check out this article. AND do I have permission to delete an email from zone called:
"When everyone is pregnant.........except you"

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Oh the trickery....Part Deux

Want AF to drop off her bags? Just phone your RE and ask "Is it normal that I am 7 days late?"

*Sigh* I bet you can figure out the rest...

I honestly did have a little bit of hope. But since I did not use any OPK's this month, no temping, no counting, it was all just hope. I am pretty sure I O'ed on CD 24 (very late for me) so we missed the window by a good 10 days....I don't think that Mook's swimmers can last that long.

Another way to get AF to drop in is to have your annual check up scheduled with your obgyn. After having to wait a full month for this appointment, I now have to wait some more-can't be slung up in the stirrups when the aunt is in town.

And I never once POAS. I just didn't want to. Can't handle that one line staring back at me...

Enough moping: we had a lovely long-weekend. Simply relaxing-and FUN! I like fun! If you look to the right, you will see that I have added 6 miles to my walking ticker. We also kayaked over 7 miles yesterday-it was an awesome trip-just what we needed. I got to meet Sam for coffee--it was so great meeting her--we hope to get together again soon! Best of luck to her with her FET this week=)

So onward and upward! A new hope, right?