It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Santa came to visit me today! However, no one informed me that he had changed his outfit to look more like this:----------------------->

So it's starting to feel official ladies (and gent)...the meds are here. I have to say I did have a bit of a headache with the whole ordering/pricing process. My insurance was a pain in the butt most of the time...but in the end, most of it is partially covered (all but one-the syn.arel-which is just unbelievable how much a tiny bottle can cost). Question for you brav.elle and men.opur ladies--my instructions say that I can keep the powder portion refrigerated or at room temp--which way have you done it?

In other news...our long weekend was great. The weather was great. The beach was great. Our friends were great. Our dog loved playing in the water! I got some great shots I will share later once I have them uploaded! Speaking of pictures, I am working on my Picture Page entries, and will have a fun announcement (hopefully by this weekend) that My Reality and I are cooking up=)

Tomorrow is June. Holy cow. Time is flying--I wish time flew by like this on the 2ww. It's so funny how once we enter this IF land, that we start to measure our lives in 2 weeks. LJ said that recently on her entry, and it's so true...



I sent out some great post cards to my BB gals--hope you get them soon. I have a new project/idea for you all that I literally stumbled upon over the weekend, so once I get all the details worked out, I will be mailing those!




15 days until I cut my hair for Pant.ene Beautif.ul Lengths. 16 days until my baby brother graduates from high school. 17 days until I am in Key West. 35 days until IVF journey begins...

Picture Pages, Picture Pages..la la la

Anyone remember the Bill Co.sby show "Pict.ure Pag.es"? I looooved that show...but it wasn't on very long--it's just one of those shows that stuck in my memory among other favorites like: Sesam.e Str.eet (of course) Mr. Rog.ers Neigh.borhood, Pin.wheel (on Nickelod.eon)...but let me get back to PP. I was thinking about the show on the way to work this morning, and it created a thought that I'd like to share my picture page.s.

Let me explain....

I feel that all of us in blog land feel very connected, and for me, when I feel connected to someone or something I like to place a visual with that thought. If you haven't figured it out already, I am a very visual person! I've always learned better by looking at something to memorize it, and I love recalling some of my favorite memories by a "mental picture." When I read a book and then they turn it into a movie, I have a very hard time going to see it since I have already created in my mind exactly what the setting is, what the characters look like and so forth...I love having that creative freedom!

So since we are all connected in the IF journey, whether we have come out on the other side, or are just beginning--for those who are interested, let's share a few visuals of who we are. It will go a little something like this:

• Since many of us are finding refuge in blog land and wish not to share our personal information (picture of our faces/spouses/partners/pets etc) this picture pa.ge does not have to be that personal. But it can be if you wish. You can designate which you prefer when you take on this little project.

• What I am asking to build my Pic Page, is that you comment on this entry and ask me to take a picture of something in my life that you might like to see: examples being my closet, my favorite pair of shoes, my laundry room, inside my fridge, the view from my front door. Then I will have a nice post of pictures from what each person has asked to see. Make sense? They are silly little things, but the little things are what count right?
  
  Feel free to post this in your blog! This won't have to be a 'tag' game--you just simply ask your readers to help you create a Pic Page!
  

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Thanks for all the lovely birthday wishes! It was a very nice day--Mook and I went to a wine festival with our friends on Saturday--beautiful weather and an all around nice relaxing weekend. It was so neat to get Braces Bunch mail on my b-day too! I have gotten some great notes-thanks ladies! I will be sending more soon!

And speaking of birthdays, today is my little sister's b-day, so happy birthday Lil Bee-I love you! Here is a picture of us (can you tell it was in the 80's!?)

We head out tomorrow for a long weekend at the beach-I have been looking forward to this for months! My family has a beach house in the Ou.tter Bank.s of NC and I have been going there since I was born...it is truly one of the most peaceful places for me to go-I feel so comforted there. We will be taking our lab with us for her first adventure at the beach!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and I can't wait to start snapping shots for my Pic Page!


PS I haven't "removed" all of you from my blog roll--I just moved you all over to my blog.lines notifier--much better for my scatter brain tendencies!

Make a wish! (I think we all know what I'll wish for)

I don't ever want to be one that dreads my birthday because I'm another year older...to me, it is a blessing I am here to enjoy each day! (no more sappy-msg. in this post I promise!)

But anyway, today I am another year older-actually it's official right now. Born at 9:45am. Whoo hoo! Happy Birthday to me! And a happy anniversary to Mt. St. Helen.s--what a beauty you are and thanks for making such a grand announcement of my birth those many years ago....

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We went to our free I.VF seminar last night hosted by our clinic--it was definitely geared towards those wanting to find out more about what the whole "ball of yarn" is all about, but it was a great refresher, and good for Mook to sit there and hear someone else talk about all the technical lingo--they had awesome videos from their lab as they performed a transfer and an IC.SI procedure--amazing stuff. It made me tear up actually--we are so lucky to live in this day and age where medicine is so advanced. I can only wish that our children will have even more advanced medicine to work with!

I think Mook and I were the most comfortable being there...I guess since we are already "patients." It's not one of those events where you go and mingle...you could tell every couple just kind of wanted to keep to themselves. But I made every effort to smile at every one and send them a mental thought of "I know what you are going through, and I am sorry you have to be here too."

We got to talk to the lab technicians/embryologist, our IVF nurse (who knows me by my voice now, since I have called her numerous times lately) and of course our Doc. It was nice to put a face to a name and speak with everyone in the lab--told them all we would see them in July! Overall, we were pleased with the presentation--Dr. D did a great job of focusing on the whole approach and was prepared with great info and visuals (you know me-a visual learner!) When he opened up the floor for questions at the end, of course I was the first to raise my hand. Mook sunk in his seat a little=) I asked him about the process of IV.IG which I know MDW has done, as well as a few others. They said at this time, they only use this if there is a history of mis.carraige or that blood work comes back inconclusive. I was OK with that--I didn't think I needed it...but it never hurts to ask. I also questioned emb.ryo glue pros/cons--I had just read about it the day before on Lara's blog. The clinic used this at the end of last year, and their success rates dropped. So they have abandoned it for now. Again, just glad to know they are researching and keeping up with all that is available.

Unfortunately, we didn't win the big prize of free meds...but I have to say the best b-day present this year has been the meds that Sarah and Jamie have sent me--I am taking it by my clinic Monday, so she can re-adjust what I need to order. Thank you ladies SO much--I hope your meds bring me good luck, and I hope to be able to pass on leftovers someday soon!

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Hope everyone has a great weekend! I am not sure what Mook has planned--but I know it involves wine and the outdoors tomorrow--whoo hoo! Cheers!

Put down your beverage....

Yesterday I read a funny post at So I Wait For You about how her hubby gets frustrated with her posts and jabber because it's all too technical (all our lingo/abbreviations). So at the end of Cibele's post, she asked the question of how well our spouses/partners might do.

So knowing Mook would be a good sport, I emailed him a mandatory quiz. I told him (jokingly of course) that he had to do this quiz because I would need him to post for me around the time of retrie.val and/or I might not have the energy to post...so without further adieu, I give you Mook's version of common abbreviations/lingo. So if that need ever comes, just beware of what Mook will think you are talking about. Enjoy...I know I did!

AF – artificial fertilization
IVF – invetro fertilization
IUI – inuteran fertilization
IF – IF need be, we'll do it again!
PG – parental guidance suggested
TTC – ticket and transportation center
DPO – densely populated ovulation
BFP – best from peni.s
BFN – best from needle
POAS – piece of awesome sh.it
OPT – optimum prime time
CD – cross dresser
BD – bad day

"yeah clearly i don't know as much as i should....i'm sorry; i do love you though more than words can say"

In case anyone reading needs a crash course in what terms really mean, go here: Bea's List of Acronyms

Oh I love ya Mook--what a sport. So I encourage participation from all spouses/partners--if anything, it will provide a good laugh for both of you--and we all know laughter is the best medicine!

8 is Great!

M over at DTBAM tagged me for another fun-floater that is going around...this one is gonna be fun. There are some things that are very random and a tad insane about me. Hope you stick around after you read them....

So here are 8 random things about myself:

1 I cannot (and I really mean cannot) have an odd-number of e-mails in my inbox. I don't know if its a symmetrical issue (since I'm big on symmetry!) or a slight obsessive compulsive tick, but when I look in either my out.look box at work, or my g.mail I have to make sure the count of messages is an even number. So lucky for you if you come in and are an "odd" number, because I am going to be quick to respond to get you outta there!

2 I was born on the day Mt. St. Hel.en's erupted in Washington State (5.18.80) and right before my grandfather retired from flying with Un.ited, he made a trip out to WA, and collected a baby-ger.ber jar full of ashes from the eruption. I loved holding it my hands when I was younger--I thought it would give me great strength and even make me a little hul.k-like when I got mad-thank goodness my temper is not fiery hot (most of the time)

3 I hate wire hangers. When Mook and I got married and bought our house, I did a mean sweep of every closet, box and piece of clothing to get rid of them! They give my shirts "shoulder boobs" and it drives me crazy! Nothing but plastic hangers in my house...

4 Maybe the weirdest one-I look at numbers and think of them as "male or female." I remember the first time I ever admitted this to anyone was to my sister on a road trip from Rich.mond, VA back to Jame.s Madd.ison Univ. I saw a road sign, and decided to tell her my "secret" I really thought she was going to call the loony bin. Let me explain: I grew up watching Sesa.me Street and Gro.ver used to help me learn my #'s with puppets dressed up like a man or a woman...well he did such a good job that it was burned in my brain. So for example, when I write the number 34, I see male number 3 and female number 4. Crazy, right?

5 I hate spiders. A lot. The summer before I went off to college, I woke up one night to swat something off my face that felt "funny." Well that funny feeling was a half-dollar size spider, and to top it all off, when I reached over to turn my bedside lamp on, her babies were hatching all over the lamp...fabulous.

6 BUT, I love bees. Well, I have been stung by one, and I don't care for that--but I love what they represent--the strength and determination all through their lives. At one point in my younger years, my sister and I were both going through hard relationships/breakups, and we decided that we wanted to find a man who would treat us like queens--what woman doesn't! And our last initial is (was for me) the letter B. So I am the Qu.een Bee and my sister is Lil Be.e, and my mom is Mommy Bee! I love collecting unique things with bees on it--and Im still trying to convince my sister to get a bee tattoo with me=)

7 I have to clean the kitchen every night before I go to bed. I hate waking up to a sink full of dishes and food stains-I like a fresh, clean start!

8 I read Ti.ger Ey.es by Jud.y Blu.me 8 times. I loved that book when I was a teenager-and now, I can hardly remember the whole plot... Guess it's time to make it 9!

So now I am supposed to tag 8. So tag, these people are it:
Baby Blues
Sticky Bun
Hopeful to Hateful
Southern Infertility
$ Makes the Sperm Go Round
Blonde Ambitions
Ultimate Journey
Third Time Lucky

"The holiday that shall not be named" (and more)

Yes, I'm one of "those." A Har.ry Pott.er fan. I will be truly sad when I have turned the last page of the 7th book (but I just saw today that she might write an 8th book!! More of a compilation of stories that didnt make the other books) Anyway....the thought behind my little graphic above, relates to the story of how the evil Volde.mort must never be "named"...he's just too evil to mention, and well you get the picture...

I've read a lot of posts over the past few days that led up to "yesterday" and it breaks my heart that more of us couldn't celebrate the day as moms. I held together pretty well...my Har.ry Pott.er mentality stood strong against the evil Volde.mort--I only got teary once when I ran into someone I know through work at the farmer's mar.ket that wished me a "happy ______ day" She didn't know if I had kids or not, so she was staying on the safe side of wishing a good day for me. No harm--I just got in the car and hugged my dog--I'm her mom, right?

To help me keep me grounded, I decided to focus on the mom's that I am in close contact with every day-my coworkers. I am lucky to have a small office staff--all women! We do have men that work FOR us =) So I brought each one a rose on Friday-there will be no more new babies from these women--I think that helps-they have children, but no growing bellies. There is one exception-a woman I work very close with, who I love dearly. She and her husband were never able to have children-and Mook and I are her "stand-ins." We gave her a bouquet of roses and a cute card--she was very touched. She knows just as much about what we are going through as our parents, so we lean on her for support a lot!

Of course I celebrated my mom (and M-i-L) as well! We spent the day with my M-i-L and I was able to talk to my mom last night--I am extremely lucky to have 2 wonderful moms. They are the rock of both families!

And of course my sweet, thoughtful Mook got me 2 lovely cards, flowers and a purse I had been eyeing for a while--well, it was from him and our choc.olate lab--but she just kind of stared at me probably thinking there were milk bones somewhere in the purse....thank you Mook for being so sweet and celebrating me.

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In non-"Holiday that shall not be named" news-I got my CD.3 BW back last Wednesday as well as my med list. Our nurse said my BW looked "perfect." I told Mel when I visited the lushary, that it is so rare we hear that word anymore, that I took the time to enjoy it-and pray that it will keep being "perfect" as we move ahead.

So here are the digits:
F.S.H: 4.9
L.h: 3.3
Prola.ctin: 13.3

Mook's BW was good as well--he has already had his horm.one levels tested, but we both tested neg for everything else and confirmed our blood type.

As far as meds:
Brav.elle 75 IU; Meno.pur 75 IU; HC.G 10,000 IU; Syna.rel Nas.al Spr.ay; Med.rol; Doxy.cycline; Progeste.rone/Sesa.me Oil; Viv.elle Patch.

Any thoughts/ass-vice on these meds? I see these names floating around a lot of your blogs-so now I need to read up on side-effects and all that...
I don't have my protocol list yet, as I am doing the big task of pricing pharmacies and all that jazz. And a huge thank you to Jamie and Sarah for offering their left over meds--that will be a huge help, and Watson has provided me a great list of pharmacies to pester.

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Thanks for the sweet comments on the "i.am" poem--it was fun. But alas, I am sorry I am not able to share the 14-layer recipe-it is the family secret of my m-i-l's family: but once I find out how to ship a piece or 2, I will see what I can do!

T-minus-4 days til the b-day! I am glad I still enjoy b-day's: I don't dread turning another year older, as long as I can celebrate the heck out of it! And after the b-day I will be caffe.ine free along with Sticky Bun, Baby Blues and a few others...it is going to be hard-but as with all things-support will help us all make it through!

Here are 2 more questions Rebecca sent me:

3) Where in your house do you like to curl up and just *be*?
An old brown leather chair that was Mook's uncle's--it is "worn" in, but just right! It's the perfect spot to read and since it's next to a window-I'll open it and fall asleep listening to outside noises...

4) How did you meet your other half?
Mook and I met my first day of college...he was an R.A and had helped my parents move my things in, since I was still in a theater production in Scotland. My dad was "won-over" by Mook before we even thought of dating! Good way to start! So we quickly became friends, had mutual friends and stayed in touch all through college-but really started to hit it off senior year when we had all the same classes...the rest is history!

Tag-a-licious

I was tagged for a few fun-things, which has helped me keep my mind off of waiting for our bloo.d wor.k and med list to come back...which I'll update on later.

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I was so honored when I did my daily-click over to Sticky Bun to find that she had nominated me for a TBA. Many thanks! I still consider myself a rookie-so I appreciate the nomination and I do hope that our experience will be a learning tool for someone who finds our blog-I have learned SO much from all of you!

I have to use my rookie status and nominate all the blogs I read-I have benefited from each and every one. I am so thankful you all are willing to share your stories-everything from heartbreak to joy. I feel so connected to all of you! Thanks for sharing your life with me!

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Amy wrote a beautiful "I Am" poem and tagged me to use my right-brain and come up with my version...so here goes:

I Am...

I am a planner and a thinker-
I get annoyed by those people who don't use their blinker.
I make a mean 14-layer-chocolate-cake
Some call me as stubborn as an old rusted gate.
I love to make lists and cross off the complete...
Don't ask me to run a marathon-I get scared to compete.
You won't find me in any high-end store,
Instead look for me relaxing on the shore.

Perfection sometimes consumes me-I want to impress!
I aim for high levels of success...

I am not yet a mom and some days I'm not sure
I'm cut out to endure...
Most days even I don't feel mature.

But at the end of the day, my makeup removed
All I want to do is cuddle my Mook.
My desires are simple, I'm not asking too much
I just want to feel that tiny human touch...~~~~~~~~

Rebecca has given me a series of inter.view questions. I'll post the first 2, and answer the last 3 in another post. I would love to do this interview-process with The Braces Bunch, so girls in the group-be thinking of questions to send around with your notes! Not part of the Bunch, but want to be? Click on the "smile" visual on the right-side navigation bar.

1) If you could choose somewhere to go and live in the world for the entire month of May - your job/home/family/etc aren't an issue, although you may take whomever you like - where would you do?
Since it's my birthday month, I would want to go camping/hiking at the base of Mt. St. Hel.ens...a strange answer isn't it? I was born the day it erupted, and I have always wanted to visit and learn more about the landscape before and after it erupted. I would take Mook of course, and we would travel around that area and hike down inside the crater (as long as she's quiet!)

2) Do you read a lot? What do you like to read?
I love to read. I got hooked reading the Nan.cy Dr.ew series when I was little, and that kept me reading even when I was "required" to for school. I try to read all sorts of books--but I have to admit I'm a big Jam.es Patt.erson fan! I also have a decent size commute to work, so I enjoy a lot of audio books by all sorts of authors.

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And lastly (but not least!) here is my "good deed" that Bea encouraged us to do: my letter to the local Star.buck$:
Dear Michael,

I wanted to write directly to you to tell you how much I enjoy my morning coffee--not for the boost it gives me, but for the kindness I receive from the people behind the counter. Your staff is always ready to greet me, and remembers me by name. They take great care to ask how I am and tell me to have a great day. Please share this letter with your staff and thank them for making my caffeine experience a delightful one!

Regards,
A pleased customer

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So this ends the tag-o-licious post-I am going to go through and catch up with all of you! More to come about our recent developments and results...

The TP Tango

You all are wonderful...thank you for holding onto hope for us. She is a tricky lady...I don't think I have ever felt hope the way I have in the past 9+ months--it takes on a totally different meaning for all of us holding her hand until the very last moment...

Sadly, she said goodbye to me late yesterday and traded places with a lazy Aun.t Flo. I knew better than to hold hope's hand too strong--simply because of how sick I was the past few weeks and all the anti.biotics I was on. Honestly, I would have been worried if AF had not showed and we got a b.fp--it would have been a dangerous first few weeks not knowing if the tiny life could hold on through all that my body has been through. So I am thankful for avoiding a possible heartache. And ya'll (can't you just hear that southern twang!) I never POA.S...that took some serious strength! I just wanted to hold onto hope as long as I could, ya know? Why end that feeling too soon--when it was still just a tiny bit possible....

That brings me to the reason for my title today...I told Mook about this thought I had been having the past few days as I waited for AF, and he said "Umm, you might be crossing the line--isn't that kinda gross?" But he's a boy. He's never had to wait for AF. What does he know=) I think I can get everyone to relate to the "TP Tango" otherwise known as the "Toilet Paper Tango" I think we are all over modesty and seemingly embarrassing moments, and this only makes me giggle--so I hope it comes across as humor and not "gross" as Mook fears it might be...

So I share with you my TP Tango--the "superstitious" way I glance towards the Quilt.ed Northern Bath Tiss.ue. It begins about CD 23. I find myself starting the "dance"--I look quite fast as I am sure there is no sign yet--but I must be sure in case it's an early visit. No biggie. So the days progress...I find myself saying a quiet prayer before I glance to the side--"Please be clear!" And then I sigh--one more day of hope!

~tango..cha..cha..cha~

Then the crucial days creep in. These are the days I don't even want to pee. I think to myself--"I can make it one full day without water--no problem." But my strength soon fades, and I guzzle a whole glass...then it's off to the "dance floor." The prayers turn into pleading: "Pleeeasse don't be here AF!"

~tango..cha..cha..cha~

And the tango continues--every time I return to the ladies room, my heart starts to beat faster. I just want one more pee-in-peace. And one more...and one more. Then it's the day. So on months like this, when there are no AF symptoms, I get more confident. I have no problem going to get a morning de-caf coffee. I am not nervous to tango. I can only envision an AF-free dance. But then the confidence fades. I find myself crossing my legs at my desk--holding it as long as possible, because the small twinges are happening. My mind races through the symptoms list: it could be cramps, but it could be my ute expanding!

~tango..cha..cha..cha~

And then the time comes where the trip to the BR is simply unbearable-and that's the trip where the tissue shows some color. Not necessarily red! But color. I still don't let go of hope. I brush off the color as just "something is going on down there." Otherwise known as denial. The color continues. The cramps start getting worse....and at this point, I am drinking as much fluid as I can find, because in my mind, I am going to WASH AF away--she will never have time to arrive! So funny how our minds can be so convincing...

~tango..cha..cha..cha~

Then it's simply "feminine prod.uct" time. No more panty-lin.ers. I have to bring out the big guns. And it hurts--not just physically, but emotionally. This tango has worn me out and has left me with swollen feet and one helluva sweat. But I shall dance again! I've got a great partner!

I am sure we ALL can relate...we all think what we do is so silly or embarrassing, but it's all part of dealing with our hope and grief...and the dream that one day the tango will end with a standing ovation!