This is the inevitable boob-feeding post. Please feel free to skip. BUT, if you have input-read on people, read on...
I've always had a love-hate relationship with "the girls"...I was one of those people that middle school girls hate, and middle school boys loved. I started wearing a bra in 5th grade--albeit, it was a training bra, but still. I was a hurdle-jumper in middle school, and they helped me win a few races. They also made it incredibly painful to be on the track team period. I have YET to find a sports bra that is comfortable. Yes, Ive gotten a few extra looks from the male species--BUT most of the time its unwelcome. And right now, Mook gets a pure death-look if he even LOOKS at them wrong. God help him when he even accidentally brushes up against them...
Anyway...I know you know where Im going with this. I have another love-hate situation with my girls. I am thankful that my milk has come in, and that it is providing O-man with the nutrition he needs. All signs point to A-OK: he's gained and is gaining weight, he meets the required poopy diapers in a day (good grief, its hard to count poopy diapers--and even pay attention to the color) and other than the occasional spit up, I think his tummy handles it well.
Hoooooweever....Im in serious discomfort. To recap briefly: my milk was delayed coming in b/c he came at 36 weeks, so we HAD to supplement with formula those first few days. I had no problem with this, as I knew we didnt really have a choice. And until I had enough supply, we were still having to give some at home that first week. Now I have been able to give him strictly breast milk after pumping.
I have attempted and re-attempted to put him to the breast: we've done the lactation consultant, the SNS, blah...blah...blah. Let me give my son props: he's a champ at adjusting--he has no problem going back and forth between natural nipple and all the bottle nipples we are trying--he's even got a fair latch. But his little mouth and my blistered, fissured nipples do NOT get along. Not to mention, Ive got an inverted lefty.
So..I just came to terms with doing the pumping....with a far off dream that I may be able to strictly breast feed eventually. But THOSE thoughts are becoming few and far between, because even pumping is becoming hard. Not that it wasn't hard before, but: I am in so much pain. I get these shooting pains in my breasts and nipples for about 10 minutes after each pumping session, Ive got constant fissures and 2 blood blisters on my left nipple--(Ive tried tea bags, the lanolin, airing them out....) And I always feel full, yet even if I pump for 20 minutes I get the same amount each time--so the pain sets in. And the sound of the pump: enough to make me want to gag.
Im this close to throwing in the towel. Let me just be completely honest here, OK? My body is tired. Really, really tired. I have no problem saying I have been to hell and back recently. I would NEVER trade even those dark days to give up having O-man here. Never, ever. But you know that saying, "When momma aint happy, aint nobody happy?" That's what Im worried about--that PPD will really start to grip me because I am having nonstop thoughts about breastfeeding and how I will damage my child if I stop, and Im going to give into formula because I just can't hack it, and we will have to spend all this money to have formula...the list goes on. Not to mention the pumping equipment clean up. Mook and I had our first "parent" blow up this morning over the stupid clean-up of pumping equipment-I was in tears, and he was in the silent treatment mode. Everything is fine now--we worked it out--but it just reinforced my "I WANT TO QUIT" mind frame...
We have his 1-month (yea dude, ONE month) appointment this Wednesday, and I plan on discussing it with the pediatrician, and I may give the LC one more call to see if there is anything else I can do about my nipple issues and boob pain. But does it really come down to keeping my sanity? Is it something I just need to suck up and deal with? I just don't know that I can...I need to start feeling some sort of healing process within my body--it's really playing with my mental state of mind. I dont worry about the bonding issues, because I spend plenty of time cooing and talking with him during the bottle feedings and after when we just stare and study each other=)
In our society, we are told not to quit, and when we have the slightest inclination to do so, we get the: "Carry on! Persevere! You can do it!" speech. I dont want to quit when I see that satisfied look on his face. But even now, as I look at the clock and realize its time to "hook up" again, I just want to cry...
