When Are We Old?

I turn 31 today--officially into my 30's. Last year was a graceful entrance into a new decade, because hey--it's cooool to celebrate milestones.

But I'm not wincing too bad, since I'm thankful that I am able to celebrate my life. We forget too often how precious it really is. Sure, I feel like I'm approaching that age where things are more delicate as far as health and needing to pay a little bit more attention to the aches and pains. But I don't feel old, mentally at least :)

Yes, I have matured. Ive learned lessons and grown from experiences but I catch myself feeling like my inner voice (what, you don't have a little voice that talks to you?!) is still 18...still that eager young girl wanting to reach new heights, experience new things, set new goals.

So if I'm 31 in human years but feel 18 in my mind, when do I officially feel old?

I guess it's all relative, huh? Seems like when you enter your 50's people say, "Oh 50 is the new 40!" and so on--so Im hoping that trend continues as I age! Then at least I'll always average about 30 in my mental age, and I can handle that :)

And since I've started this blog, I can definitely see the way that just the past 4 years have helped me grow...

May 18, 2007
May 18, 2008
May 18, 2009
May 18, 2010

This year I find myself enjoying a week away with just Mook...thankful we are able to spend some time together after the challenges of this year. Also giving us time to be thankful for the little boy we get to go home to, and talking about what other steps we can begin to take for our family.

So while I won't say I'm feeling old, I will be sure and take a deep breath in order to blow out all the candles. I hope you all will enjoy a piece of virtual cake I made sure to bring with me--no calories, I promise!

Five Alive

Exactly five years ago at this very moment (if I can get this to post exactly at 2pm!), I said "I do"

Officially a Mr & Mrs!

I'm sure there are those of you out there that can agree--some days it feels like it's only been 2 months, and other days it feels like 20 years!

And I will be the first to tell you--the past five years have been happy, but not a walk in the park. Marriage is hard work. Throw two people together with their finances, opinions, religious backgrounds, dirty socks, bad habits, tampons and you've got one helluva pairing.

Then just for fun, add infertility into the mix.

When we tossed out the birth control after a year and a few months of marriage, we thought we were prepared to get pregnant and have a family. Well, we were--but we were not prepared for the toll the quest of becoming parents would have on our relationship.

We suffered.....we yelled at each other, we withdrew emotionally, we lost our tempers, we stopped functioning as a couple.

There were some truly dark, dark days.

But...

We survived....we hugged, we talked, we went to counseling, we laughed, we grew stronger as a couple.

Of course not all of our triumphs and dark moments have been because of infertility--we fight like any couple. Just last night I was nagging him about a honey-do-list and he was leaving the dishes in the sink. But we kiss and make up. We put Oman down for bed together and sing him a song...then we sat holding hands on the couch.

I am incredibly thankful I get to spend next week with my husband of five years with a margarita in my hand and sand between my toes.

Hands in the sand five years ago...

Mile Zero

You don't need me to tell you that going down the road of infertility can feel like the longest, car-sickiest, are-we-there-yet, kind of trip.

It's a bit like starting at Mile Zero and working your way through intersections, stop lights, detours and dirty Rest Areas.

And it was not lost on me that when Mook and I visited Key West in the summer of 2007, that it was quite ironic that we were in a physical location of a "Mile Zero" when we were getting ready to go through our first IVF when we returned home.

So to find ourselves there again this summer, almost three years to the day, we talked a lot about the journey and the miles we have traveled since. You may remember me telling you that we gave Oman the middle name Miles for that very reason: the journey we took to have him in our life.

I haven't even told Mook this yet, but I claimed the reason I was rubbing my eyes after we snapped some tourist-y pictures, was because I was sweating (which I was--its.so.freaking.hot.there) but I was weeping underneath my sunglasses. 'Cause sometimes--it just really hits me how much crap we went through, and how lucky we are.

The other cool moment?
(well, there were lots--like the fact that we got to stay with Rottenstinker's parents, who were amazing hosts)

We took a picture at the street sign that was special to us in '07. A name we loved...and thought "Wow, wouldn't it be cool to name our daughter that some day?" 

                                                                                                                        

Funny how we didn't stray too far....

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I guess each time you start down a new path, you pretty much start at Mile Zero. I sort of feel like that's where I'm stuck for the moment as far as adding to our family. Not sure when we'll "get in gear" so to speak. But I can tell ya....I'm enjoying the heck outta the little man who is GO GO GO all the time :)

Friendly Skies

I remember the long lines at security. I remember the horrendous 3 hour delay in the Atlanta airport. I remember the woman who cut me off in the breezeway. I remember having a hard time fitting my carry on bag into the designated space beneath the seat.

But I do not remember licking the floor of the plane. 

I apparently did though, and then gave Oman a kiss, because about 24 hours after we returned from our lovely trip to California--the Oman and I came down with some serious crud.

And I'm that person who has the sani-wipes and germ-x in hand at all times. So how is that possible?!

Ugg. We have been soo sick since Thursday. It has not been fun at all. I won't give you all the gory details, because I'm pretty sure I might get sick all over again just thinking about it.

These past few days I really felt challenged as a mom. There were not moments, but minutes, where I just couldnt figure out what to do. I was running to the bathroom, Oman was sch-ahh-reaaaaming, and I just couldn't keep up. I felt like a terrible mom. Moms are supposed to just know how to figure it out, right?  I mean good grief, I finally had to call my Mom and ask her to drive over 2 hours to come and rescue us because I couldn't even pick Oman up. (Thank you, Mommy!)

Mook felt so helpless being 2 states away for work. We haven't seen him for over 2 weeks, so I definitely heard the Hallelujah chorus playing in my head when his plane landed on Saturday.

So as I go back to eating my saltines and drinking my Gatorade,may this serve as a reminder when flying the friendly skies, make every effort to keep your tongue off the floor.

Suck My Duck

Oh the things that can be inferred from that title.

My thoughts regarding all this skin stuff: "Suck it!"
My thoughts about my exhaustion from being a single parent 5 days a week: "Suck it!"
My thoughts regarding being in a different time zone during Daylight Saving Time: "Suck it!"
My thoughts about Daylight Saving Time in general: "Suck it!"


Thank you for all your thoughts and abiding with me while I navigate this new phase...I'm definitely still in a mental space where I'm not quite sure how to take it all in--especially the family building part of it. My results came back and I have advanced a stage for one of the moles-so if I get any other growth back, I will need further surgery. The MRI is on hold (thank goodness!) unless I see growth for the cyst. I go back in three months for another check up.

So how am I dealing with it? I did what any person would do!

I hopped on a plane with a one-year-old by myself to travel across the country.

 
But it was so worth it.



O-man and I are currently out in Cali to help Rotten and family celebrate Miss C's first birthday. I absolutely love that the two kiddos were able to be with each other for their special days--I came out for sunshine, and when they came to us last month, they got snow!


But really, I have been anxious to tell a certain someone to "Suck it!" and more specifically to "Suck My Duck!"

This is my new friend, Patrick--the certain someone who I've been waiting to meet in person. A bit of a back story: Rotten has a pretty sweet collection of Rubber Ducks, and when I found out that one of her friends was on a mission to find her the smallest Rubber Duck in existence, I decided that I, in fact, would find the smallest one in existence. What can I say? I love a challenge. And lucky for me, so does Mook. My darling hubby ended up finding a Rubber Duck that is made for a dollhouse--and it is TINY!

And just to really rub it in, we made a shirt for me to wear to C's birthday party yesterday, knowing Patrick would be there.  

The party was great, the company is even better, and just to top it all off: O-man is once again, trying to show off for his woman. He has been toddling at home along the furniture, but he has really been walking here! I love it! And Miss C started walking at our house. How cool is that? He's also learned how to drink from a straw, and how to dismount off the couch without going head first into the floor!

So while I may not be finished feeling like I need to tell the universe to "Suck it!", I feel refreshed and renewed being in the sunshine and surrounded by great friends (and their great families!) Happy Birthday, C! We are so glad we are here to celebrate with you and watch you two trouble makers have fun!

Travelin' Circus

The members of the Jeans household are on the road to spend the week with Mook for his business trip.

To the cars passing by, I'm sure it's a bit comical to see all the STUFF we have crammed in the car--and what traveling circus doesn't have monkeys? Oman made sure that his Sock Monkey, Pierre (we've decided he's French...) made the cut for being packed.

I always look forward to road trips--and it helps that Oman is a fan of car rides. We play the Alphabet game (I usually win..hehe), talk about silly stuff, and the serious stuff--helps when neither person can leave the room when it gets heated.

Oman and I are so glad we can be with Mook this week--and a super duper added bonus is getting to see awesome blogger ladies!

And tomorrow is Mook's birthday! His birthday last year was spent getting me admitted to the hospital after I started bleeding from the previa......so to be here--with both my boys--makes me weepy and so, so thankful for the awesome care I got while in the hospital...but I'm SO glad to be on the other side...

Please leave Mook some big birthday hugs--AND he's jumped on the Twitter bandwagon--@dissident18 so be sure to raz him just a little for turning another year older before I do :)

Dirty Martini, Dirty Bastard...

How many of you knew exactly what my title meant?

OR, did you just wonder: "Uh oh, what has Mook gotten himself into?"

It's a great line made famous by Samantha in a SATC episode .

And, rest easy: Mook is not in the dog house. In fact, quite the opposite. He sent me off on a girl's trip that I had been looking forward to for ages...meeting Bee Cee in the flesh: and she is completely and utterly beautiful in every meaning of the word! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: IF sucks big chunks, but the friendships I have made along our journey are priceless.

She and I connected right away when we found each other's blogs 2 years ago, and one of the first things we found we had in common was our love for the show, Sex and the City. So it was only appropriate that we went on a Sex and the City bus tour while we spent time together in the fabulous New York City!



To say we did a lot on our trip feels like an understatement--too much to even fit into one blog post. So, in case you missed me being a "virtual tour guide" on twitter during our trip, enjoy the re-run of activities. I'm still coming down from the adrenaline rush--and the fact that I was brave enough to be apart from the O-man for that long. It was so good to see his sweet face!

Twitter in the City
starring JJ and Bee Cee

Read the tweets HERE

See the tweet pictures HERE

P.S. Whoohoo, this marks my 200th post!

Out of Office

I'm so excited about re-vitalizing the Braces Bunch and the 2nd generation of bunchers! I will be responding to those of you have e-mailed me/left a comment in the next few days. For now, please excuse my delay as I am currently "out-of-the-office" trying to clear my mind before the fire-storm of cycling begins.

A quick update: my AMH came back at 3.1--my IVF nurse "Kate" (we call her this because Mook thinks she looks exactly like Kate from Lost) said this was perfect. So I'm always happy to hear that. Here's where the problem is: my cycle seems to be a bit out of whack this month. Of course I had to tell "Kate" that it has been "spot-on" (ha, pun intended) for the past many-months. So Wednesday night, which was CD 23, I was spotting--bright red. Then it stopped, then it started again Thursday night, and this pattern has continued...so I am still planning on going in for my day 3 blood work tomorrow at a lab out of town so I don't run the risk of missing the window. I may have to end up going back later this week when I am back near my clinic.

This also proves to be difficult in the feminine maintenance department while near bodies of water with sharks...

Back to doing this:

The bags remain un-packed

Back in the land of reality. No more late night walks down Duval Street, and Key Lime pie at 11 in the morning! No more job offers that got me thinking, "Hey I could do this all day..."

So yes, we are back. In full force I might add! We arrived home later than expected due to storms in FL and NC...so the bags got tossed to the foot of our bed, and have remained there all week. Monday, bright and early, we had our injections class! Welcome home! That was definitely a way to focus back on what life is going to be like for the next month. It went fine--Mook and I both feel a little overwhelmed, but I know where to go for any questions=) I started Sy.narel on Tuesday-so it's an official GO of this cycle. I have made a dorky med calendar to keep me straight until my 1st ultrasound on the 9th (in case dosage changes), and I start stims next week. I'm getting quite nervous about this part--I dont think I've ever been more nervous about something silly like air bubbles and how dull a needle can be....

We had a great trip--good weather, great friends to spend time with, and as I mentioned above, even a job offer (Ill get to that...) Went snorkeling and saw a 7 foot nurse shark! That was very cool....good thing it was down a few feet that it didnt seem to be paying any attention to us. Got to have some great margaritas and other fruity concoctions, saw some beautiful sunsets and got a BEE hen.na tattoo=) I still want to get the real thing someday, but this cute little bee is still going strong on my right ankle. Spent the last few days at Mick.ey's land of residence--we let the kids in us live it up and just had a great time!

Most importantly, Mook and I were able to relax. We didnt talk in depth about what was coming up...but Mook did a great job of just catching me off guard every now and then and telling me he loved me and no matter what happens in the next month or so, that WE are FAMILY. That means a lot every time he says it...

So the job offer. The week before we left on vacation, I completed a true dream of mine ever since I was little: I recorded a CD. I can't express in words how much music and singing has meant to me since I was little--just one of those things patched into my DNA. I sang all around the house as a kid, and got enough courage to audition and get roles in musicals in high school and college--even some community theater after college. And then it just kind of died for a while...and I realized how much I missed it. How I didnt want to let that part of me fade away--it's too much a part of me. So since January, I have been working with 2 musicians I know and a recording studio, and I am now a recording artist! Pretty darn cool...
So that led me to have a tiny bit more courage when we were at a bar in KW (and no, I wasn't even drinking) to volunteer to help this guy playing sing the chorus to a song. That led to him asking me to stay on stage and sing some more....and then the manager asked Mook if we wanted to move to KW--he was ready to give me a job. I can just drift away in my mind and imagine the kind of life that would be.....but I'm still more comfortable just where I am....I just have to be good about keeping my desires in perspective and not let go of a dream....

In other news, I did get my hair chopped--a whole 9 inches. I was nervous up until the final snip! Once I get my pictures downloaded from the trip, I'll share them on Picture Pages. I've had a few panic days, where I don't like it--but overall, Im very happy with it--and boy was it great to have it so easy to manage at the beach!

So it's been a busy time...and it's about to get even busier. We hope to just relax this weekend and get the house in order (and bags unpacked) and get ready for this next step....thanks for all the well wishes while we were gone--and for the lovely BB mail I had when I got home! I love it!
Have a great weekend!

The Last Hoorah...

I'd like to give hope a chance.

I'd like to REALLY hope that this is the last big vacation I will take: a) without my kid(s) in tow OR b) worry about the said kid(s) we are leaving behind with grandma and grandpa. =)

I'd like to come back with a cool new haircut (getting it chopped tomorrow!!), a killer tan (but no sunburn) and a renewed sense of peace about what we are getting ourselves into the day we get back from vacation. I got the dreaded call today about when we are planning on paying for this sucker...

I'd really like to believe what my cousin just wrote to me in an email (the one who just announced her pregnancy) that "just relax and it will happen." Yup she said the words that make me cringe. But I can't be upset--they just got "lucky" the cycle after a failed IUI....and I am truly happy for her.

And lastly, and most important--I will be thinking of you all and wishing for lots of BFP announcements when I return--I know some will be getting results when I am away!

All I ask of you while we are away on hopefully the last (childless) hoorah, is thoughts and prayers that Mook and I come back prepared mentally and physically for whatever this next step will bring...the countdown is on my friends, and while we cant wait for it to get here, we also are nervous that it's right around the corner....

Adiós!

Mini-Vaca!

Thanks to all who left such wonderful comments to our last post-it is great to have a support community!

Last Friday was a toughie. It was hard to let Mook know the news-I sort of felt like the Grimm Reaper...not a whole lot I can do to make that sort of news any more "light-hearted." I did make one comment that made me want to shrink down in my seat..."Well, hey-at least I will never have to go back on birth control!" Nice....realllllll nice. Sorry about that Mook. I stick by my thankful comment last time about Mook-although it hit him a bit harder this time, he's still sticking this out with me. We aren't out of the woods as far as injured pride or feelings, as I am sure we will have to be prodded and poked more than we ever thought was legal as things progress with this journey.

I am on C.D 13 today...still no po.s.itive O..PK, but I'm starting to get the signs--lower temp, egg-whites and all that jazz. We got the pre..seed in the mail, so we will see how that goes! So maybe, just *maybe* we will get lucky this month? Went to the dermatologist today-since going off the BCP, my acne has come back to haunt me from my teenage years--yuck! Of course the doc said I was very limited to my options due to our TTC. She gave me a prescription for Em.ycin and Amp.icillin. Anyone use either of these?

Speaking of lucky--we celebrated Mardi Gras on Tuesday by having a Fat.Tuesday meal at our house--Mook has been before--and loved it! Hopefully I will make it sometime soon...I hear it's just bigger and better after Katrina! So we served traditional jambalaya and Mook made a King Cake. And guess who got the piece of cake with the baby.............me! Could it be a sign of good fortune for us....I'd like to think so!

We leave tomorrow for a mini-vacation that we both desperately need! Let's just say we are traveling to a place where we might get "lucky" in more ways than one! We won't be ignoring our current situation, but we will not be discussing it in any great detail: this is our time to relax and enjoy before more doctor's appointments next month!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!