No Name

There are definitions for a lot of things...

Joy: rejoice; feel happiness
Sadness: emotions experienced when not in a state of well-being

But what is the word for the in between emotion that exists between joy and sadness?

Because that's where I have hovered the past few days.

On Saturday, I got to pull of a wonderful surprise...flying across the country to wrap my BFF in a hug as she is preparing for lots of changes in her life. (Ms. Rottenstinker has an active, cute toddler, is 7 1/2 months pregnant, has a rambunctious 6 month old lab, and is moving) Crazy? Yes. But I love her.

On Tuesday, my grandfather passed away.

Even now, I sit and grapple with the roller coaster of emotions. I'm waiting to see what I will do as far as traveling to be with my family while I simultaneously wrap glasses in moving-paper and spend time with someone I care about so much.

Since I suck at adjusting to time change, Im still a bit loopy as it is currently 1am EST, but I am enjoying my 2nd glass of wine, in honor of my grandfather, and trying to formulate sentences that properly explain this in between emotion.

I guess I am also just ready to be in more of a steady pattern of life right now...2011 has not been the kindest to me yet, and I'd like to get off this roller coaster. I am happy to be here with her. Can't fib and say it's not hard to want that cute belly she's sporting.

And when you sit and try and come up with more words, and its been 20 minutes, its time to just hit "Publish Post"...

If anyone can define this emotion for me, Id greatly appreciate it. Until then, I think limbo land is where I will remain.

Wordless Wednesday: IBDW

Wont'cha be my neighbor?
If you've been visiting for 3 years or 3 days, say "Hi"
Not to beg, but I could use some sunshine and meeting new friends,
reconnecting with old ones and just having e-mail that isn't spam
makes me happy. It's the little things.

Sweetly Versatile

Thanks to the lovely PCOSChick for giving me Versatile Blogger blog-bling! She and I got connected on twitter earlier this year, and she's just a fabulous blogger.

So here's rules for the award:
~Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
~Share 7 things about yourself.
~Pass the award along to 7 other bloggers who you recently discovered and think are fabulous.




1.  I always have a tissue with me. I am allergic to air--seriously. My nose does not like when I go from hot to cool air, so this time of year I keep Kleenex in business.

2.  If there are two switches that control one light (my hallway for instance--one is at the garage entrance, the other is by the living room), the switch always needs to be in the proper position. You know--sometimes the switch will be in the "on position" but really be off, because it was turned on at the other switch. Am I making sense? I cant stand for them to be in the "wrong position" so I fix it :)

3.  My favorite color Christmas light (this year) is blue.

4.  I am about to completely redo my closet and organize my clothes by color. I feel like this will help me put more stylish outfits together? Wishful thinking. Anyone want to volunteer to help?

5.  I keep wondering when I'm going to have the guts to attend an adoption seminar.

6.  Im the definition of my zodiac sign through and through.

7.  I crave a McDonald's Big Mac every time I'm sick.


I am passing this award on to the following 7 lovely bloggers, because I would like to learn more about them.

Andrea at Are You Listening? 
Foxy at Someday
Jill at Happy Hopefuls
Amber at Bumber's Bumblings
Flucky Mom 
Searching For Serenity
AmyLynn at new year new ute

And thank you so much Miss Frenchie for giving me this very sweet blog-bling.

So now I am trusted with the task of giving the award to five bloggers who I love to read, who's blogs have that 'something extra', that little spark, that keeps me coming back.

Tara at A Run For My Money
Sarah at Bio Girl
Mrs. Higrens at Does this suit your copperosity?
Andrea at Entrusted
Suzy at not a fertile myrtle 

Glitterazzi

*UPDATE*
Correct toe matches:
Calliope: Liberace Silver
Rottenstinker:  Sunkist Orange
LJ: Emo-Black-Purple
Somewhat Ordinary: Pretty-Pretty Princess Pink
JJ: Iron Man Red-and-Gold

Each blogger at Schlubfest* is unique. 

Just like our toes:

Pretty-Pretty Princess Pink, Emo-Black-Purple, Sunkist Orange,
Liberace Silver, and Iron Man Red-and-Gold

Can you pair the glitter-clad toes to the right blogger?

If you match correctly, we'll send you a piece of Schlubfest pie.

*Schlubers: JJ, Rottenstinker, Somewhatordinary, LJ, Calliope

Ingredients of Schlubfest

Main Entry: Schlubfest*
Variant(s): also shlub \ˈshləb\
Function: noun
Etymology: Yiddish zhlob, zhlub yokel, boor
Date: 2009, 2010

slang : a gathering of pajama-clad women, no makeup, junk food, wine, blogging,
toddler chaos,and more poopy diapers than you could shake a stick at.

Mom's* who are grateful for the toddlers who will surely provide reason for all of the above.
JJ, Rottenstinker, LJ, Somewhatordinary, Cali

Suck My Duck

Oh the things that can be inferred from that title.

My thoughts regarding all this skin stuff: "Suck it!"
My thoughts about my exhaustion from being a single parent 5 days a week: "Suck it!"
My thoughts regarding being in a different time zone during Daylight Saving Time: "Suck it!"
My thoughts about Daylight Saving Time in general: "Suck it!"


Thank you for all your thoughts and abiding with me while I navigate this new phase...I'm definitely still in a mental space where I'm not quite sure how to take it all in--especially the family building part of it. My results came back and I have advanced a stage for one of the moles-so if I get any other growth back, I will need further surgery. The MRI is on hold (thank goodness!) unless I see growth for the cyst. I go back in three months for another check up.

So how am I dealing with it? I did what any person would do!

I hopped on a plane with a one-year-old by myself to travel across the country.

 
But it was so worth it.



O-man and I are currently out in Cali to help Rotten and family celebrate Miss C's first birthday. I absolutely love that the two kiddos were able to be with each other for their special days--I came out for sunshine, and when they came to us last month, they got snow!


But really, I have been anxious to tell a certain someone to "Suck it!" and more specifically to "Suck My Duck!"

This is my new friend, Patrick--the certain someone who I've been waiting to meet in person. A bit of a back story: Rotten has a pretty sweet collection of Rubber Ducks, and when I found out that one of her friends was on a mission to find her the smallest Rubber Duck in existence, I decided that I, in fact, would find the smallest one in existence. What can I say? I love a challenge. And lucky for me, so does Mook. My darling hubby ended up finding a Rubber Duck that is made for a dollhouse--and it is TINY!

And just to really rub it in, we made a shirt for me to wear to C's birthday party yesterday, knowing Patrick would be there.  

The party was great, the company is even better, and just to top it all off: O-man is once again, trying to show off for his woman. He has been toddling at home along the furniture, but he has really been walking here! I love it! And Miss C started walking at our house. How cool is that? He's also learned how to drink from a straw, and how to dismount off the couch without going head first into the floor!

So while I may not be finished feeling like I need to tell the universe to "Suck it!", I feel refreshed and renewed being in the sunshine and surrounded by great friends (and their great families!) Happy Birthday, C! We are so glad we are here to celebrate with you and watch you two trouble makers have fun!

You see, its like this...

I just never liked girls.

Let me be more clear--I never have had a "girlfriend"---yes, I can proudly admit that I find Ashley Judd super delicious, and Mook would be in big trouble if her car broke down outside my house...

But the girls I am talking about are the home-girls, the BFF's, the girls you bought the heart necklace for--you gave her half, you kept the other half.

I just never got close to girls growing up. I always had more guy friends--I wasn't a tomboy per se, didnt really play that many sports, or enjoy "guy stuff"-- I just felt very intimidated around other girls--the drama, the cliques, the naked pillow fights (thats for the benefit of any of my male readers, who have the fantasy that those actually take place...)

But I fully appreciate and realize that there was a reason for my lack of female companions early on in life.

Because today, as in present time, my cup runneth over with FABULOUS FEMALE FRIENDS.

I know I have touched on this subject in previous posts, but to me it is worth mentioning a million times, to fully express the gratitude I feel for having made such genuine and life long friendships. It stinks we all had to experience some sort of infertility struggle to have found each other--but to have to go through something as craptastic as IF, the reward couldn't be sweeter.

Starting 2010 with Thanks!

I definitely have a LOT to be thankful for--the year 2009 was very, very good to me. Not that I depend on karma, but seriously karma--you owed me, so thanks for remembering that the past few years before '09 weren't so hot.

And I know that karma owes a lot of you--so my 2010 wish is that those of you who gladly bid 2009 goodbye, will be celebrating the gifts that this new decade will bring.

The best way I can think to start my blogging of 2010 is to THANK YOU (yes, you) for making my blogging experience so incredibly rewarding and being my extended family.

• Thank you, sis, for holding my hand through so many scary moments and for blogging for me when I couldn't, and so much more that I can't fit into one sentence
  
• Thank you, Susan from Idaho, for taking the time to leave comments of incredible support and always check on me (even without blogging, yourself!)
• Thank you, LJ, for great vent sessions about anything and everything--whenever, wherever, and for giving my blog a fancy face lift
  
• Thank you, Amy , for holding that special place in my heart for being the first blogger I met "outside of the computer" and becoming one of my closest IRL friends
• Thank you, Rotten, for teaching me what the definition of BFF is--cause you're it!
• Thank you, Suzy, for always being my prayer warrior
• Thank you, Sully, for sharing the IVF meds that gave us our precious boys--we are forever connected by that, and of course, Pearl Jam
• Thank you, Sunny, for being an amazing, strong woman--period.
• And all my Braces Bunch girls--thank you, thank you, thank you.

I could go on like a lame Oscar acceptance speech, so I'll stop before they start the music to encourage me to leave the stage.




So, I would like to invite you to join me in saying THANK YOU, but in the blogging way--by saying: "Blog you VERY much!" I extended a similar invitation to you as readers back in December of 2007 to write a quick blog post of thanks to that blogger who inspired you to start blogging. You can read the original post here .

This time around, any thank you will do. Thank one person, thank 10, thank 20...just say thank you to those people who encourage you to blog, keep you sane, and love you even when you have a hard time loving yourself.

Be sure to come back and share your post of THANKS!







And a double thanks, if you take
moment to say HI if you haven't done so before!

Hotlinking is Cool

Im currently under the influence of some fantastic Pino Noir that LJ brought to our *Schlubfest09, so I am just going to point you to some awesome pictures that she has been taking of our 2 miracles. Check out her super cool blog: Our Family Beginnings

But before I go....a bit of a sappy back story: I found LJ's blog when I started blogging, and we've been tight as ticks ever since. We would send snarky text message when we were both around fertile myrtles and she has so graciously accepted me as part of the DC Bloggers group (aka TOOTPU)

As I was counting the days until our little O-man would enter the world, I got word that LJ and Mr. Badger would become the parents to a little boy--and only a week older than the O-man.

To say that it's been a happy-ending story to have all of us under one roof, celebrating our sweet boys, is an understatement. AND better yet--we are adding another ALI blogger to the mix tomorrow--Somewhat Ordinary and her sweet boy, M will join us for some more of Schlubfest09!

This is a definite moment that I am glad for my IF journey--I cannot imagine my life without such awesome women.

*Definition: A trip that requires-no makeup, no fancy clothes (aka, buttons/zippers) and the official beverage is wine. Relaxation a must.

Dirty Martini, Dirty Bastard...

How many of you knew exactly what my title meant?

OR, did you just wonder: "Uh oh, what has Mook gotten himself into?"

It's a great line made famous by Samantha in a SATC episode .

And, rest easy: Mook is not in the dog house. In fact, quite the opposite. He sent me off on a girl's trip that I had been looking forward to for ages...meeting Bee Cee in the flesh: and she is completely and utterly beautiful in every meaning of the word! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: IF sucks big chunks, but the friendships I have made along our journey are priceless.

She and I connected right away when we found each other's blogs 2 years ago, and one of the first things we found we had in common was our love for the show, Sex and the City. So it was only appropriate that we went on a Sex and the City bus tour while we spent time together in the fabulous New York City!



To say we did a lot on our trip feels like an understatement--too much to even fit into one blog post. So, in case you missed me being a "virtual tour guide" on twitter during our trip, enjoy the re-run of activities. I'm still coming down from the adrenaline rush--and the fact that I was brave enough to be apart from the O-man for that long. It was so good to see his sweet face!

Twitter in the City
starring JJ and Bee Cee

Read the tweets HERE

See the tweet pictures HERE

P.S. Whoohoo, this marks my 200th post!

Show and Tell: Band-Aid

My first Show and Tell...and what an appropriate Sunday to show, and tell...


Earlier this week I had 2 moles removed, and will have to have more skin biopsied this coming week, due to the cells coming back showing basal cell and some squamous cell carcinoma. I was given strict instructions to change the band aid every 4 hours....so I had to dig deep into the depths of my medicine cabinet to find this:


It's amazing what can trigger memories. This large box of Band Aids sat on my bedroom dresser for IVF #1, our FET, and then for IVF #2. After each shot, out came a band aid--and Im guessing I took over 200 shots over the course of all those treatments. Can you see the wear-and-tear on the corner? That's from when I threw the box across the room afer IVF #1 failed...

Wow, I just had to take a moment and re-group.....because I am looking at the box sitting on my table, right next to where O-man is sitting in his bouncy seat.

I remember MANY times wishing that those band aids could cover my heart; stop all the aching and pain I was feeling. Some days were just too much. One of those days was Mother's Day 2 years ago...right before we started IVF #1. It's ironic to me now--I had a Harry Potter reference even back then--and how O-man came to be known as Ron!

Today is a Hallmark-Day...just another day on the calendar. Women: mothers, aunts, daughters, sisters, wives, should be celebrated every day. And of course I have a special place in my heart for the women on the path to expand their families-- THESE women are the strongest, most admirable women on the planet! That's why I loved Liv's idea of OMG You Rock Day! My rockin' OMGYRD partner, IF Optimist, sent me these lovely items:

A rockin' CD of tunes that make her happy, a fantastic home made card, and a beautiful dragonfly necklace.

So as I celebrate my first "Mother's Day" I am certainly grateful for my sweet, precious O-man. He is a long awaited member of the Jeans household--and I will never take today for granted. To all those that are celebrating today, squeeze your little ones extra tight. To all those waiting...I wish I could give you a band aid to ease the pain-but know that you are very much in my heart today...


Brought to you by Mel's Show and Tell. Click to see today's other participants.

More Than Words

Things look a little different ‘round these parts (be sure to click on over if you are reading from a feed!) I figured it was time to give the ole blog a face lift--and since plastic surgery in the world wide web is relatively cheap and easy, it was worth bribing someone to help me do it-not saying she’s cheap or easy! It's still a work in progress, so with a few more shots of Botox, it will be looking brand spakin' spiffy!

And yes, those are little O-man’s precious feet…and don’t worry, no babies were harmed in the making of the blog header. I’ve waited so long to put those pair of jeans on him-they were one of the first things I bought for him. I just loved thinking about the symbolism of having our genes in the jeans I had been wishing for and blogging about for so long…I get weepy just typing it. The suitcase and passport are of course representative of the journey we have been on, and the one we will continue to take.

-----------------

In honor of NIAW, I’m going to get all sappy on ‘ya. Don’t worry—there won’t be any major boo-hooing, I just really want to reiterate how important this community is in getting the word out about infertility and making those experiencing it, feel supported.

I was never in a sorority in college-I was never a big “girly-girl” and couldn’t see myself being chummy with a bunch of girls 24/7. I’d roll my eyes every Tuesday when it was “Letters Day” and all the girls would parade around campus in their short-shorts, Alpha-Something shirt, and flip flops—even when it was 40 degrees out. (And this is in no way a slight on anyone in a sorority—my college unfortunately fit the stereotype) I just grew up with more guy friends than close girl friends—I just didn’t like the drama that came with the territory. So I was a bit hesitant to even start blogging and become a part of a gaggle of girls—I felt I’d immediately feel suffocated with drama.

Well, ladies (and gents) I’d be honored to walk around in our sorority letters with any of you, anytime, anywhere. If I had the time and money, I’d go on an IF-Blog-Tour to spend time with each one of you--what a documentary that would make!

Actually….I have started my IF-Blog-Tour! Although it’s on a small scale, I feel so lucky to have met and spent time with some of the wonderful women that have lived inside my computer for the past 2 ½ years….and the great thing is: they really do exist, and are just as lovely in real life!

Those I have met on tour: LJ, Mel, DMarie, Leah, Sunny, Kristen, Shelby, Meghan, Doc Grumbles, Somewhat Ordinary, Rachie Pachie, Mya, Samantha, Kate, Elizabeth, Sue (NC Gal, no blog-but love her to pieces!), In Search of Morning Sickness, and this summer I'll add Bee Cee (and hopefully Sully!) to the list! Would love to visit with more of you...


I must give lots of bloggy love to My Braces Bunch Gals. As I mentioned two years ago, I never had braces growing up-and although no one wishes to have braces, you sort of feel left out when everyone around you has them on! When we got our Male Factor Infertility diagnosis, I felt like I was without braces all over again. Not that the IF community didn’t have the support I needed, but the male factor issue was still so taboo-and it was hard for me to find information and those who had been given that diagnosis and made it “to the other side”. So I shared that story, and reached out for support among those in this community-so these ladies in the Bunch wanted to do a little bit more than just blog-we became snail mail buddies. Sending letters, postcards, gifts and notes of encouragement when the hard days were really tough, and the celebrations were worth shouting from the roof tops. Just this past month, the Braces Bunch turned 2 years old!

And as my title says, this community means more to me than words will ever be able to express. To honor NIAW, take the time to thank someone in this community who has helped you feel welcome and supported!

Sockin' It To Me!

Computer time/blogging has taken a backseat in the recent months-and Ive missed it terribly. So when I happened to check the Lost and Found one day, I saw that one of my favoritest bloggers was doing a fabulous thing: a Sock Exchange! I thought it was the perfect way for me to get reconnected and participate in yet another wonderful thing this community does for each other.



My kick-ass socks (literally!) came from the lovely Melissa. She picked a very positive and uplifting pair of socks for me: she said, "Since you kicked IF's butt, I thought these were perfect..."


First, I LOVE the thought behind them. Second, I love that they are knee socks--and they dont cut off my circulation! So many knee highs are uncomfortable--but these are divine. I have worn them so much already! Thanks so much Melissa! Im so glad to have found a new blog buddy as well!

Can you see why they are KICK-ass? The ninjas remind me that we battled infertility and were blessed with the precious O-man.

I also was able to connect with another new blog buddy, Sarah, since she was my sock-buddy. I sent her a pair to remind her that we are all here for each other even on the rainy days...

I've thought A LOT about Kym's other request in the Sock-Exchange...to explain what this community means to me. To try and get it all in this one post would be impossible. I started this blog 2 years ago when Mook and I had just received the most devastating news...that we had a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant. I found myself diving into Google to try and find something, anything to make me feel less alone. And boy did I ever...I found one blog, then another, then another...and before I knew it, I was wrapped in the arms of so many amazing women who knew exactly how I was feeling.

I couldn't imagine the past 2 years of my life without this community--I am so grateful for the love and support I receive--and that Im able to offer in return. The warm fuzzies runneth over!

Wontcha be my neighbor?

I am at the cusp of being caught up...and it feels soooo good to cross things off my numerous lists! I finished up my projects at work that I couldn't do from home by the end of last week, so it felt good to leave with those tied up. I'll continue to work from home as long as Ron allows... :0)

So as I gear up to catch up with everyone and write some more, it's the perfect time to encourage you to de-lurk! I love adding new blogs, and really-I don't bite. I promise! Things might get sparse as far as reading/commenting in the near future for a bit, but now is a great time for me to sit down (or recline) with some new blog buddies and reconnect with the old ones. Even if you are annon and don't have a blog, I'm always happy to chat over e-mail! (reprojeans@gmail.com)

Gimmie a shout!

Bag it Up

A very specific question, but any help would be appreciated.

I love purses/bags/messenger carriers, so it's no surprise that I would like a fantabulous diaper bag. I do not want to become a bag lady if I can help it: carrying a huge diaper bag AND a purse. I'd love something that combines my needs and little Ron's.

Your ideas? Recommendations? Bags not to waste time on?

Much obliged!

Healthy

Always a good word to hear, so this post if full of healthy goodies.

I had my first monitoring appointment yesterday morning. Before showing up for my early-bird appointment, I had to get my hair-did (thanks LeeAnn!) so that I'd be stylin' for my hottie RE. Actually, I was just in desperate need of a trim...so now my hair is healthy!

My date with the stirrups and probe showed a new lining forming and some follies cookin'. Like last time, my left ovary is the superstar while my right is lagging behind. The technician was able to measure 6-7 on the left, and only 2 on the right. I asked, "Are you sure there aren't any more?" She said there are some smaller ones she is pretty sure will catch up, but I left the u/s room a little bummed--just wasn't feeling the warm fuzzies. But I guess those fuzzies have been lacking overall this time. I had to wait awhile to give my blood sample-poor girl before me passed out! Thank goodness, I did not.

Before I drove away from the clinic, I said a quick prayer asking for good results and a sense of peace--and no cheek chewing! As I looked up to drive away, this was happening right in front of my car:
I think I'll take this as a good sign that it will be healthy for me document those "Kodak Moments" What a neat picture for me to have as a reminder that you see signs of life everywhere...

So yesterday afternoon (I didn't chew all day!) I got the phone call with the news that my estradiol levels are "very healthy" at 452, after 4 days of stims. Maybe there are some other follies hiding somewhere? I am to stay on 2 vials of Bravelle and 2 vials of Menopur for the time being-I go back tomorrow for the 2nd monitoring appointment. I am definitely starting to "feel" my ovaries!

Along with my physical health, I want to remain in good mental health through this process-I have mentioned before that I have this thing called control issues...not good to have when dealing with infertility. I am focusing on doing what I can to keep those peaceful thoughts flowing, and cheek chewing to a minimum.

Playing a big part in maintaining my mental health, are the wonderful connections I have made in this community. So in keeping with my new Kodak frame of mind (ha! I just re-read this and caught the "frame" pun...ok, sorry for the distraction), let me share something that is keeping me at peace:

I received this beautiful charm (horseshoe with a four leaf clover) from Mel for my birthday, and it has been hanging around my neck ever since. This definitely gives me warm fuzzies, and I am so grateful for the hope and support that came bursting out when I opened the box. :thank you:

So let the record show that on Thursday, June 5th: JJ feels healthy and dare I say....hopeful.
Many thanks to each and every one of you for holding my hand through this...

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Stevie Wonder is the man.

It doesn't matter where I am: when "Superstition" or "Sir Duke" comes on the radio, you are gonna see me booty-shakin'. "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" is one of my top three pick-me-up songs, and "I Just Called to Say I Love You" takes me down memory lane to when I was about five, and dancing in the kitchen with my mother as she sang to me:

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart!

"Signed, Sealed, Delivered" played joyously through the room as Mook and I walked through the doors as Husband and Wife. The perfect song to tell the world we were hitched! So this song has always held a special place in my heart-whenever it comes on and Mook is around, I grab him and we dance like fools (this happened recently in Sam's Club). So although we really need some paper towels in bulk (thanks to Mosley), Mook isn't jumping at the opportunity to go back...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The past few days, this Stevie favorite has come to mind for a few other reasons:

"The Box" came yesterday, and because of the personal nature of the contents I was the only one who was able to sign for it. I didn't get the butterflies I got last time, when I felt that all of these drugs were the magic ticket for getting us pregnant. Yesterday, I felt a bit more...numb. After I Signed for it, I placed the box under my desk and didn't think about it the rest of the day. Ignoring always worked in 3rd grade, when you wanted the boy you had a crush on to notice you--so I figure it could work on the meds too! I just won't pay them any mind, and then they will be dying for my attention!

Last Friday when I got home, I opened a package that had been Sealed with love.

"Hope is the eternal well from which life springs.
Hope is the promise of all good things."

This is what was inside. You may recognize it...because a sweet lady posted about this exact same bunny last year, in this post. She wrote: "It will someday be on my baby's crib as a reminder of how long I hoped to see him/her sleeping peacefully and what a blessing that day will be!" Cibele got her HOPE along with a BFP only days after this post...I remember how much hope it renewed in me to read that. So thank you my dear friend for passing along the hope to me.

The package couldn't have come on a better day, because the very next day my good friend Delivered her new baby girl: the day before Mother's Day. Any couple dealing with inferitlity that walks into a maternity ward on Mother's Day weekend, and doesn't have a mental breakdown, should be given a medal of honor (I'll contact the Pentagon and see what I can work out) I've mentioned before how wonderful these friends are, and honestly we are so happy for them--but jumpin' jehosaphat, that was a tough evening. When I held her and when I watched Mook hold her, my heart felt like it would jump out of my chest--there is no experience quite like holding a newborn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My birthday wish this weekend (well other than the obvious) is for you to put on your favorite booty-shakin' song and dance--like that cheesy saying, "like no one is watching" And even if they are, do it anyway.


Come back and tell me what song, and where you danced to it. That means you too, my lurker-friends! Or if you already know what song and where you'll be, go ahead and share--I may come find ya' and dance along! :0)

I take it seriously.

It being spring cleaning. I had a few days off for the holiday, and used my time wisely to get a few things off my to-do-list:

shave my legs (seriously, it was scary)
finish off a hollow chocolate Easter bunny (it was going to go to waste)
whoop Mook's butt @ Ping-Pong (I'm a mean Ping-Pong-er)
work on/submit my IIFF entry (there are still 2 days left to enter!)
organizing blog layout (check out the picture sideshow on the left column)
find/bid/win a Wii on E-bay (I'm going to waste-away playing Guitar Hero)
donate to Team on the Road (do your part to support March of Dimes!)
talk to Mook about talking about our next steps... (I'll explain further)
buy more tampons (clearly not)

There is more on the list, but I know you aren't interested in hearing about me shopping around for better car insurance, or the stern conversation I had to have with our pest control service because we have ants invading our kitchen.

Anyway...so the blog has gotten a few tweaks! I added a slide show so you can click at your pleasure to see updated photos of the doggies, and other random photos. The NC Bloggers met on the 15th, and we snapped a photo after lunch--be sure to look at the beautiful ladies! It was wonderful to be with each one of them-hope we can do it again soon.

I've put up my first poll! I've been writing for the Infertility Diaries for a month, and would love any feedback. Thank you to those of you who have visited and passed along your thoughts/comments-I greatly appreciate it. Also, keep an eye on this widget-it will let you know each time there is a new post. There is a weekly series on Fridays, called the (in) Fertility Friday Five--come check it out!


Because I know you all are wondering about my disastrous situation the other day: yes I did have to use TP as an emergency pad to get by until I could get to the store. That's all I have to say about that.

I want to thank each of you who read Gotta have faith. Whether I conveyed it or not, it is one of the most sincere and emotional posts I have ever written. It is clear from the comments that it's difficult for all of us who are either: a) still in the trenches, b) on the other side, and c) not really sure where we belong. Two comments that really captured me were from Sarah and E , both who are mothers after battling IF. Both stated they they felt that I didn't need them anymore, and I was quick to reassure them that I do.

I need to lean back after you lean on me.

That's what a community is all about. I "get around" (so to speak) in this community, and I love offering support and comfort--that is my nature. I hope that each of you realize that I am genuine. I'm not just commenting to comment or be a false supporter-I fear that some of you feel that I am, but as I am learning in counseling-I can't apologize for who I am, so I'm not going to. I'm the real-deal-Holyfeild, and that's the way the cookie crumbles.

A perfect example of why I need to lean back: I had planned and worked on a meeting for RESOLVE in my area for 2 months, and our first meeting was set for the evening of March 12th. I showed up early to get the room set up, information ready to pass out (I even had 2 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts!) and I sat anxiously waiting for people to start coming in. 15 minutes passed, then 30 minutes, then an hour...no one came. I sat quietly in the room alone feeling just that: alone. I was prepared to be the strong one for others to lean on, but in that moment I needed to be the one leaning. I haven't given up: hopefully the right ingredients for a meeting will come together, and we'll establish a great group.

Not too much to report as far as talking about talking about the next steps, but the conversation has been opened again. After babysitting for our friend's little girl (who we adore) we got home that night and all we had to do was look at each other and know that it was time to start talking again...so let the games begin!

Before you click away, Mom Logic and REDBOOK are asking for 2 minutes of your time to take this short (and painless) IVF survey. It's short and sweet. Please help out and click: here. Thanks!

Gotta have faith...

As requested, here is my Mel Gibson inspired tat:
It resides on my left shoulder blade, and if you look closely you will see four colors: black, blue, green and the most faded now is yellow in the middle. While I obviously don't see it all the time, it makes me smile when I catch a glimpse in the mirror. It's also cool to see some of our wedding photos where Mook and I are dancing, and our photographer zoomed in on my back to highlight it: a great reminder of faith in a marriage.


Also, since Neenie has officially challenged my "Shoop" skills, I say that we find a third member to complete a come back trio of S-n-P! I also loved that a lot of you were rappin' in your comments! We can all get doooooooooooown together ;0)

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I found it appropriate that I got to post a picture of my cross tattoo today, because this post has to do with faith in my blogging buds. It's been on my mind quite a bit recently, and I've found it difficult to admit that it has come time to put it into words.

With my one year blogoversary having just passed, I thought about those first blogs that I sought out to connect with and how I was hesitant to enter a support group that I didn't want to be a part of at all: I didn't want to be dealing with infertility. However, I found that I was instantly welcomed--and it felt so good to be understood.

It felt a lot like my first day at a new school, when my family moved to a new town when I was in 3rd grade. I was so nervous that I had to make new friends-and how I would fit it. There were a handful of girls that immediately made those nerves disappear. When I got home that day, I told my mom I had "ten new best friends!"

At the time, I was convinced those ten girls would be with me forever! We would always love the same clothes, we would always have a crush on the same boy, and have slumber parties every weekend! As you can probably guess, that wasn't the case. After a while, some of the girls went off with another group of friends, some moved to another school. I felt like my "forever friends" were abandoning me, and it took a while for me to accept change. But no matter what friendships I developed later-these first people always held a special place my heart: they had the greatest impact on making me feel welcome.

Lately it feels a lot like 3rd grade. When I joined the "class" of bloggers, I was convinced that these new blog buddies would be with me forever! We all yearned to wear these clothes and had a "crush" on this type of man. After a while, some of the buddies went into a new group of friends(mommy's-to-be), and some moved to another part of life(parents-after-IF). It's been hard to battle those feelings of abandonment again, and accept change...but no matter what friendships I develop later-these first blog buddies will always hold a special place in my heart.

A lot of similarities in the last two paragraphs, no? I knew this time would come last summer when the rash of BFP's popped up; a lot of them being my Braces Bunch gals. So, I have moved a lot of my original blog buddies into a new category on my blogroll "Parents after IF" and I am battling those feelings of abandonment as I move each one...

I sound selfish, and bitter by typing that I'm sure...but its a demon I have to face. I have to have faith that these blog buddies will check in on me now and again, and our friendships will continue. I also hope that I will connect with new friends on this journey. Truly, I do want everyone I come in contact on this journey to be in my new blog-category, I just need to know that I will connect with some other doppelganger's in my quest to be in that category as well....

To my original blog buddies: you are the cat's meow. Thank you for all you have done for me, and I am so happy that you are now parenting (or soon to be!) after a long hard journey--I have no doubt in my mind that your child will know how much he/she is adored. If they ever have a doubt or talk back to you, you know how to find me....

To the new blog buddies that I have connected with, and continue to meet, we'll keep on fighting the good fight! Oh, and don't you wish he was our RE?

Week in Review

What a week. I'm officially back on BC. It hasn't been too bad thank goodness--I guess my body is so used to it. I got my protocol in the mail on Wednesday--and we go for our injections class the DAY we get back from vacation. What a way to welcome us home! I also start Syn.arel the 26th, so it's feeling more real every day. I'm getting nervous...

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I had dinner with 2 of my girlfriends from college on Monday night--we try to get together at least every 3 months (this time it had been more like 7). One is married, the other still looking for her Mr. Right...the married friend told us last time we got together that she and her husband were getting ready to go through some tests since they had been trying for 2 years. I remember when she told us that many months ago, that I felt so sad that they had to go through that--welp, now she and I are IVF buddies IRL. The look on both our faces was just relief...relief that we could talk openly and have a shoulder to lean on. The other friend was very patient and understanding--asking questions and just listening. I will actually cycle before her--they are aiming for a September start date. It was just a good feeling knowing we can be there for each other...

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2 difficult things for me this week. 1st was overhearing a person at my place of work complaining how fast she got pregnant--she has 4 beautiful girls. The dialogue was:

"I just didn't have time to breathe! I'd pop one out (yes, she really said this) and then I'd be preggers again. I finally told my husband that we weren't going to have s3x for a year so I wouldn't be fat for at least ONE bathing suit season." (followed by annoying giggle)

I just wanted to cry. She was only a stone throw from my office, and I just had this image of me jumping over my desk in a primate type lunge, thus knocking her to the floor and then I would proceed to whisper in a very angry voice: "Don't you know how LUCKY you are to just POP babies out!?" Of course, I wouldn't do this...I'm not that violent. But I had a smirk on my face as she got up to leave....

2nd was visiting a school for mentally and physically disabled children. It is part of our public school system here, so I am very thankful that this school has the resources they have-and that there are teachers that can work with these wonderful children. But I cannot express the knot that was logged in my throat---I went with a coworker, and when we passed a GYM full of walkers/wheelchairs, I almost lost it. It was just such a reality-reminder--life is so precious. These children will never know a "normal" life...their parents must grieve for "that life" their children will never have....I left there with just an ache in my chest. I finally broke down last night when I told Mook about the visit...I just wanted to reach out to all of these children and make their pain go away...

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Good things this week:

Just found out today that my cousin is pregnant! I am so happy for her--she is a few years older than me, and has been married 3 (maybe 4?) years this July. They have been trying since their honeymoon. I am just so happy for their good news!

Almost vacation time: I really think life knows when you are getting ready to go on vacation-cause I have worked hard this week! We are headed to the lake this weekend to put our kayaks to good use--I love being on the water--so peaceful. I'll take each moment of peace I can get! My thoughts and prayers are being sent across the miles as some of you are entering your 2ww, or getting ready to start a cycle!

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And lastly: I began wearing my "Make Aware" bracelet on Wednesday: exactly a month before I start injections. It is my constant reminder of all of you....