As requested, here is my Mel Gibson inspired tat:It resides on my left shoulder blade, and if you look closely you will see four colors: black, blue, green and the most faded now is yellow in the middle. While I obviously don't see it all the time, it makes me smile when I catch a glimpse in the mirror. It's also cool to see some of our wedding photos where Mook and I are dancing, and our photographer zoomed in on my back to highlight it: a great reminder of faith in a marriage.
Also, since Neenie has officially challenged my "Shoop" skills, I say that we find a third member to complete a come back trio of S-n-P! I also loved that a lot of you were rappin' in your comments! We can all get doooooooooooown together ;0)
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I found it appropriate that I got to post a picture of my cross tattoo today, because this post has to do with faith in my blogging buds. It's been on my mind quite a bit recently, and I've found it difficult to admit that it has come time to put it into words.
With my one year blogoversary having just passed, I thought about those first blogs that I sought out to connect with and how I was hesitant to enter a support group that I didn't want to be a part of at all: I didn't want to be dealing with infertility. However, I found that I was instantly welcomed--and it felt so good to be understood.
It felt a lot like my first day at a new school, when my family moved to a new town when I was in 3rd grade. I was so nervous that I had to make new friends-and how I would fit it. There were a handful of girls that immediately made those nerves disappear. When I got home that day, I told my mom I had "ten new best friends!"
At the time, I was convinced those ten girls would be with me forever! We would always love the same clothes, we would always have a crush on the same boy, and have slumber parties every weekend! As you can probably guess, that wasn't the case. After a while, some of the girls went off with another group of friends, some moved to another school. I felt like my "forever friends" were abandoning me, and it took a while for me to accept change. But no matter what friendships I developed later-these first people always held a special place my heart: they had the greatest impact on making me feel welcome.
Lately it feels a lot like 3rd grade. When I joined the "class" of bloggers, I was convinced that these new blog buddies would be with me forever! We all yearned to wear these clothes and had a "crush" on this type of man. After a while, some of the buddies went into a new group of friends(mommy's-to-be), and some moved to another part of life(parents-after-IF). It's been hard to battle those feelings of abandonment again, and accept change...but no matter what friendships I develop later-these first blog buddies will always hold a special place in my heart.
A lot of similarities in the last two paragraphs, no? I knew this time would come last summer when the rash of BFP's popped up; a lot of them being my Braces Bunch gals. So, I have moved a lot of my original blog buddies into a new category on my blogroll "Parents after IF" and I am battling those feelings of abandonment as I move each one...
I sound selfish, and bitter by typing that I'm sure...but its a demon I have to face. I have to have faith that these blog buddies will check in on me now and again, and our friendships will continue. I also hope that I will connect with new friends on this journey. Truly, I do want everyone I come in contact on this journey to be in my new blog-category, I just need to know that I will connect with some other doppelganger's in my quest to be in that category as well....
To my original blog buddies: you are the cat's meow. Thank you for all you have done for me, and I am so happy that you are now parenting (or soon to be!) after a long hard journey--I have no doubt in my mind that your child will know how much he/she is adored. If they ever have a doubt or talk back to you, you know how to find me....
To the new blog buddies that I have connected with, and continue to meet, we'll keep on fighting the good fight! Oh, and don't you wish he was our RE?
With my one year blogoversary having just passed, I thought about those first blogs that I sought out to connect with and how I was hesitant to enter a support group that I didn't want to be a part of at all: I didn't want to be dealing with infertility. However, I found that I was instantly welcomed--and it felt so good to be understood.
It felt a lot like my first day at a new school, when my family moved to a new town when I was in 3rd grade. I was so nervous that I had to make new friends-and how I would fit it. There were a handful of girls that immediately made those nerves disappear. When I got home that day, I told my mom I had "ten new best friends!"
At the time, I was convinced those ten girls would be with me forever! We would always love the same clothes, we would always have a crush on the same boy, and have slumber parties every weekend! As you can probably guess, that wasn't the case. After a while, some of the girls went off with another group of friends, some moved to another school. I felt like my "forever friends" were abandoning me, and it took a while for me to accept change. But no matter what friendships I developed later-these first people always held a special place my heart: they had the greatest impact on making me feel welcome.
Lately it feels a lot like 3rd grade. When I joined the "class" of bloggers, I was convinced that these new blog buddies would be with me forever! We all yearned to wear these clothes and had a "crush" on this type of man. After a while, some of the buddies went into a new group of friends(mommy's-to-be), and some moved to another part of life(parents-after-IF). It's been hard to battle those feelings of abandonment again, and accept change...but no matter what friendships I develop later-these first blog buddies will always hold a special place in my heart.
A lot of similarities in the last two paragraphs, no? I knew this time would come last summer when the rash of BFP's popped up; a lot of them being my Braces Bunch gals. So, I have moved a lot of my original blog buddies into a new category on my blogroll "Parents after IF" and I am battling those feelings of abandonment as I move each one...
I sound selfish, and bitter by typing that I'm sure...but its a demon I have to face. I have to have faith that these blog buddies will check in on me now and again, and our friendships will continue. I also hope that I will connect with new friends on this journey. Truly, I do want everyone I come in contact on this journey to be in my new blog-category, I just need to know that I will connect with some other doppelganger's in my quest to be in that category as well....
To my original blog buddies: you are the cat's meow. Thank you for all you have done for me, and I am so happy that you are now parenting (or soon to be!) after a long hard journey--I have no doubt in my mind that your child will know how much he/she is adored. If they ever have a doubt or talk back to you, you know how to find me....
To the new blog buddies that I have connected with, and continue to meet, we'll keep on fighting the good fight! Oh, and don't you wish he was our RE?
I love the tattoo!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll always continue to check in on you! Just because I have moved into another category, I'll never, ever forget the road I took, and friends I've made who helped get me to where I am now.
You bet I will check on you, That's for sure. I know that I am in a current state that is hated to be seen on IF blogs who are cycling. But to be honest. This still feels like a cycle a REALLY REALLY long cycle. (complete with ups and downs and a bundle of nerves)
ReplyDeleteI feel MUCH more comfortable with the blogs i made in the beginning. the connection or me is still there for the most part. I think you are an incredible blogger, friend, writer, wife, daughter! We need more of you in this world that's for sure!
The tattoo is awesome, I love it. Colorful tattoos are so hot!
ReplyDeleteI haven't been blogging for terribly longn (and have already moved blogs once!!), but I have already seen some of what you've posted about here. It's odd when you wake up one day and realize 1/2 your blogroll have gotten BFPs and you are still just sitting in the back of class wiggling around in your chair, waiting to get picked. I am so thankful to have found your blog and cannot tell you how much I love your writing and I will continue to come back for more.
*hugs*
Oh JJ, it was a lovely post. If you think I don't think about you often and hope that it happens soon for you because I think you so deserve it, wrong! I do, all the time. For all the others left behind and it must feel strange that a whole lot of us from the BB are "almost there".
ReplyDeleteI think its fair to say that "we" all remember the pain and anguish, I don't think we can ever forget!
Hoping and praying for you both and that it happens soon.
Lots of love
I so wish that Patrick from Grey's was my RE. Hmmm would that make him McRE instead of McDreamy? Ahhh I now am smiling as I read your blog!
ReplyDeleteIt is funny how you can feel abandoned when others become pregnant when you had been trying for awhile. But a lot of people (aka Farah at fertilized) continue to check in on us who are still trying. But you're right, I always am happy when they do, it makes you feel a little less alone. I think hopefully when you and I get our little positive bundles someday that'll make us more likely to continue to check in on those still cycling also. It's good to remember where you come from...but with infertility I don't think you can ever forget. I'm still thinking of you often, and am so lucky to have found you to chat with!
What a great post. (And, as an aside, I love your RB posts. I read them all but just don't feel comfortable posting on a national IF blog).
ReplyDeleteEven though I am on my way, I feel compelled to stick with my group of blog friends until everyone makes it to the other side. I seriously mean that and in case you need proof, I am having lunch in Texas next month with 3 of my friends that I have known since elementary school.
Love the tattoo!
ReplyDeleteI could bring back TLC. Anyone interested? Anyone? That's what I thought. But I can do a mean rap remake of "Waterfalls" - you know "I seen a rainbow yesterday, but too many storms have come and gone leave a trace of not one God-given ray..." Anyone?? Ahh, nevermind.
You're a faithful friend, and I think your "old" friends appreciate that will hopefully continue to support and check up on you. And know that I, as your newer friend, am not going anywhere anytime soon, so you're stuck with me. ;)
Yep, when I reorganized my blogroll and realized that there were more pregnant/parents than there were people trying -- it hurt a little. For me, it's not so much a sense of being abandoned as it is being left behind. Everyone else has this cool new "thing", and I'm left on the outside looking in.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I get to shoop while looking at Patrick.
ReplyDeleteI will be following your story because I like you.
Remember in 3rd grade when it was so easy to say that? I like you.
Good post, even gooder tat. :)
ReplyDeleteI know that axiety you are talking about but I have not experienced it like you have. Being left behind is a horrible feeling. But I will "fight the good fight" right here with you. I am so glad I have found you. I only hope to give you the same support you have shown me.
Hey girl, I am right with ya. I have most of new original blog friends in 'Pregnant' or 'The Other Side'...I have only just been thinking recently there are very few left in the same wobbly old boat as me. each time I look ar Cyclesista, its so and so IVF #1, so and so IUI #1, then there's sad old delusional me on IVF #4.
ReplyDeleteWhichever road I end up taking, I'll still be here for you xx
It stinks to feel left behind even when we are truly happy and excited for our friends.
ReplyDeleteAnd yum...my re does NOT look like that...
Very lovely ink you have! I hear you. When people I've read for a long time get pregnant, I keep checking on them, but if it's someone I picked up fairly recently, I usually let them go on their way without me.
ReplyDeleteLove the tat. It sucks to be in this category of friend, but I'm glad there are people like you here with me. There must be a rule about RE's needing to be a certain level of NOT hot.
ReplyDeleteOh, wasn't Kirk Cameron the dreamiest?! We had magazine photos on our walls (me and my sister). He was going to be the father of our children...well, until Vanilla Ice came along.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your post. I don't see it as you being abandoned or going down different roads in this journey. I see all of us as on this journey together just at different parts of the same highway. I'm constantly checking in on you, crossing my fingers for you each and every month. In fact, I refuse to leave you alone so take that for not being abandoned!!! You were one of my first bloggie friends, and I'm stickin around.
ReplyDeleteif he were my RE I wonder if it would have been easier for me to drop my pants all the time ;)
ReplyDeleteHugs to you...
Yes yes yes!! I so relate to what you are saying. I haven't been blogging for that long, but I have spent quite a bit of time on message boards, and i know what it feels like when people move from the "in a cycle" category to "pg updates" category. It is such a mixed bag of emotions b/c I don't want people to suffer the pain I am suffering, but I don't want to be the one left behind. And they say "misery loves company," and I don't want to be miserable alone, but I don't want anyone to be miserable at all! I just keep praying for good friends, and only good things for all of us with all of our wishes coming true. Thanks for a meaningful post.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know, I am having one more glass of wine tonight in your honor. :)
ReplyDeleteYou have always been so wonderful to all your blog buddies and it hurts to see you feeling sad. I always check in on your blog because you always have something interesting to say. I also KNOW that your time will come and I look forward to seeing that BFP for you.
ReplyDeleteI will never forget how you brought the BB together!
great post, JJ. you've hit on something so tough with feeling left behind. it's true. even in my short time blogging I've seen it, but before that it was my friends in other support groups... it sucks to be stuck while everyone else moves on.
ReplyDeleteoh and I love your links! ~luna
Lovely tattoo!
ReplyDeleteGreat post and tat! I understand that feeling of abandonment. I feel left behind as well, and it's hard because right now, I'm not doing anything but waiting. It will probably be 3 months before I can think about cycling with my surro, and I'm tired of waiting. It's been a bittersweet week for me. Three new women joined an IVF forum I've been on for a year, and 2 of them quickly achieved BFPs from IVF. I'm happy for them of course but sad for myself as well. It sucks feeling like you are always the one with the bad news and left behind.
ReplyDeletelove the tat. i too used to feel so abandoned. and believe it or not, and i don't know if this will even make you feel better (i hope so) but the minute it happens that feeling vanishes. totally goes away. though the feelings associated with IF will be with us forever.
ReplyDeleteoxoxo
I love your tat - i've always wanted one.
ReplyDeleteI totally know how you feel re 'being left behind'. So many people were moving across to the 'other side' whilst I was still cycling. I almost felt ashamed to be on cycle 5 whilst all those newer bloggers were getting BFP's on their 1st or 2nd tries.
I still don't feel i've made it to 'the other side' just yet, and even if i manage to, i'll still want to be your friend. We've been together a long while. xxx
Hey, JJ! Sorry I haven't rsvp'ed yet! I was waiting to see if the remainder of my flu was going to pass by then, and it look like it will! So, it looks like I'll be there! YAY! See you then!
ReplyDeleteYa gotta go and put a pic of my boyfriend up there, didn't cha. We need to settle this on the playground. :)
ReplyDeleteI totally had the same feelings a few weeks ago, and still do to some extent. It's hard to watch everyone go before us. Mel's calling for a NC/DC meetup - that'd be fun. If not that, we should get together soon.
Oh, and I have a side project I am working on, re: wishing who our RE was - email me later about it. Though I don't know if I'd want him doing the dildocam on me...I'm not that freaky.
I love the tattoo...I have one too - of a butterfly. And I love what it means to me and that it shocks people!
ReplyDeleteAhh, how I relate to your entry. As I find myself pulling away from infertility - I find that I am not reading my pregnant blogging buddies. Mostly because sometimes I am not in the frain of mind to do so without feeling sorry for myself.
But, JJ, I too feel a kinship to some (you are included in that some) and I do read them without those feelings.
Wishing you peace.
We'll be here through thick and thin. We'll fight the good fight together. We're not quitters!! I believe, I have faith that we will conquer IF. I love the picture of your cross. To me it signifies the importance of having faith. In yourself most importantly. I am so blessed to have found you and this wonderful community of friends. For those of us who move on to the other side, I think it stings a little less because they understand the battle. They've been in the trenches with us. You've found a friend and reader for life!!
ReplyDeleteI am still here, though work has kept me from keeping up to speed. Hopefully, you will switch groups eventually. My fingers are crossed that everyone will. We all deserve to be parents!!
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Can I just say that I read this earlier and all day I have had George Michael singing in my head...
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about the categories of friends. I think the link to the RE looks like the guy that did my Egg Retrieval!!!
ReplyDeleteI've been feeling that left-behind thing a lot lately. It's worse when you're on a break and don't have the forward motion of a cycle to distract you/make you feel like you're a "part of" something.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird, too, in my Resolve group -- it's always been small, but now it's tiny. And we all want it to get tinier, of course, but then no one wants to be the last gal standing. I'm so scared it'll be just me in a room of chairs soon.
On the bright side, I've gotta say that my RE is allllmost as cute as Patrick Demspey...
I hope we both get to the parenting after infertility stage soon, my friend. We will and you are right, we gotta have faith.
ReplyDeleteYou're like a big sister blogger to me. I know you've been at this a lot longer than I have, and I really value your support and honesty.
ReplyDeleteShoop video is awesome! Your post was awesome. I know every word. And although I may be moved to a new section on your blog roll you can't get rid of me. We're all one bug blogging family. Y
ReplyDeleteJJ I may have crossed over but I'm not about to walk away. You were the first blog I read and as far as I am concerned you are stuck with me till the day you have a baby in your arms because I want to be one of the first to congratulate you.
ReplyDeleteIt can't be easy watching us get BFP's but I can assure you it doesn't mean we forget the love and support you have given us.
I know it doesn't help with the hurt you feel but remember we aren't running away. We aren't going to find another group of friends. We are always going to be here for you *HUG*
I feel abandoned a little too, I think it's why I'm sucking at blogging lately and sucking at the braces bunch. It's just hard sometimes not to feel so left behind and like it's pointless:-(
ReplyDeleteI love the tattoo
ReplyDeleteI will continue to check on you and our friendships will continue. Sorry if I have been absent. It is mostly due to my work that is taking all my time. I appreciate you stopping by and leaving me a sweet comment here and there. I still listen to your cd often and think about you!!
Thanks for creating the Braces bunch! you’re the best
I think most of us feel this way but not many of us will admit it. Well, at least those of us who are still "left behind" so to speak.
ReplyDeletebad ass about the tattoo. You going to look like me soon? Come on, you know you want to!
What a timely post for me. I just had a couple of ladies move on that I met in my IRL support group. Even though I know it isn't personal (for them, IF is in the past, while I still feel its effects), it is still hard.
ReplyDeleteSuddenly I feel less alone. Thank you!
I certainly home you move to a new category soon.
Your tat looks very similar to mine, but mine is solid purple.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about feeling like you're stuck in the same rutt while everyone else moves on. Just keep in mind that you have been there for SO many of those ladies cheering for them when they got their BFP, and I guarantee that they aren't going to forget about you. They want to see you get your long awaited BFP almost as much as you and Mook.
I want you to know that I feel so blessed to have found your blog. I can't tell you how many times your posts have resonated within me. And I SOOOO appreciate your comments. So many of them have brought me out of the dark places that I find myself in. You have a WONDERFUL "ministry" here. (Hope that word doesn't offend because you truly have ministered to me!!!) So I'm here 'til the very end my friend!!
Much love,
Happy Belated Blogiversary! I always liked Salt-n-Pepa. Keep the faith girl.
ReplyDeleteOkay, first of all: I SO think I could kick butt in the shoop challenge. So many memories, LOL.
ReplyDeleteI (sort of) know what you mean about feeling abandoned. I started to feel that way...then I got my BFP. Now I have this weird feeling of guilt. But you can be sure I'm rooting you on every step of the way!
And yeah...I don't think I could face the stirrups if McDreamy were on the other end...
Sorry I'm checking in so late, crazy week at work. First, I challenge anyone to a salt-n-pepa rap contest. I'll Shoop with the best of em!
ReplyDeleteAs for feeling alone, I'm sorry. It seems to go hand in hand with all this IF crap. For whatever it's worth, I'm always checking in, thinking, and praying for ya!
The tattoo is fabulous. :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd, I don't know if I fall into the category, but I check in on you with every post. I have to admit, though, that I'm sensitive about it because I know we were cyclesistas and I worry sometimes that I just serve as a cruel reminder of...well, of everything. So, please know that I'm always checking in and thinking of you.
I love your post. Well-written and so heartfelt. I so totally understand and identify with this post. It is hard to watch so many people go where you so want to go. It has nothing to do with being happy for them, it is about feeling sad for yourself and being lonely watching others off on a new journey... sigh. i hope you get to move on your own blogroll soon and i hope you are always surrounded and supported as you deserve to be.
ReplyDeleteWell, JJ. I'm one of the original from wayyyy back when.... still hanging in there with you - still in the same old category.
ReplyDeleteI feel pretty lucky to have "met" you here. You have a way with words that you are able to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that we can all relate to.
Not to mention you are a great supporter.
I hope that some day we can both get our wish and be moved into that other blog category.
Hugs to you.
Beautiful tattoo.
ReplyDeleteLOL, I forgot about shoop! When I look at them now, SnP are kind of scary.
I'll be checking. You can count on me. Sometimes time gets away from me and I'm pretty sure that will happen even more in a little while. I want to continue to be there for you as you have been there for so many.
ReplyDeleteJJ ~ Love the tat! I have 2 of my own that people are shocked to learn I have.
ReplyDeleteAll of my cycle group have moved on and I struggle to find my "new place" as well.
Thanks for this wonderful post. I've recently been doing a lot of thinking about this very topic and even spent part of the weekend sorting blogs into categories for the days when I just don't want to face the birth / breastfeeding /
ReplyDeletenewborn stories. At first I felt awful about that but now I realize that I'm not bitter or a bad person - I'm just human and I've been through a lot. It's okay to shelter my heart every once in a while.
I've felt the same way as you many times and its still hard because so many people I connected with in the beginning all our either pregnant or had their babies now and its hard to feel left behind. People who used to comment all the time, I rarely hear from and they have moved on and part of me wishes I was moving on too. I feel after every break & failed cycle, I'm starting all over again.
ReplyDeleteLove the tattoo! Thanks for sharing. Geez, I go out of town for a while and I miss a whole bunch of stuff. And don't worry, I will continue to follow you as long as you continue to write.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you're saying. I can't say whether it's selfish or not, but I can tell you that deep down, all of us feel it. I have a message board of people that I connected with early on, when I still thought that s.e.x made babies... Most of them are pregnant. They're complaining about their aching backs and incontinent bladders and there are days, weak days, that I want to tell them to shut up, buck up, and be thankful they're knocked up. But I don't. Because even though I'm a bitter old Infertile now, that would be mean. Right?
ReplyDeleteLove the tattoo...they are so much better when they really MEAN something to you, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteAs for the other stuff - it's all just so hard. As happy as I am for people whenever I hear about a BFP, am equally jealous and angry. I hate that I feel that way, but that's just how it is. ((hugs))
I love this post, it says everything that I have been feeling lately too. Altho I am in a good place right now, it still makes me sad to think that we still have the battle to fight. Sometimes it does feel like we've been left behing and I think that it's only natural to feel that way, I can see that people have moved on, there are only a select few that still check on my blog and I'm okay with that, the special ones are still there.
ReplyDeleteI'm still here with you sweetie, and we'll get through this!!
Much love and hugs =)
I really love and respect your honesty in writing this post. It is so hard to be completely honest about all of the feelings that surround IF.
ReplyDeleteI will always be checking in on you and I can't wait to see what happens!
:)
Oh, JJ, you've been such a great support to me and I will definitely continue to check in on you. It's funny, in some ways, I feel like you've left me behind because you've had such wonderful success and recognition as a blogger and you don't need little old me anymore :) But I still think of you and hope you will move to the other side very soon.
ReplyDeletei'm pretty sure i had that EXACT same kirk cameron poster!!! and i decided the white jacket look was so cool i stole my mom's one day and wore it to school with the sleeves rolled up at the cuffs, you know, '80's style. she was not impressed.
ReplyDeletebut i know what you mean. i felt left behind for soooo long. first by my real life friends, then when i finally left the IF message boards i'd been using for years. everyone there had either moved into the pregnancy boards or the parenting boards, or were bright-eyed newbies who didn't get my jaded world view. i don't miss them at all, but i seriously miss my blog buddies. especially the really great ones who put as much thought and effort and heart into it as you do. i know that feeling left by my blog buddies would be incredibly hard, but somehow it was what i always expected. i never thought i'd be the one graduating. i had just been left behind for so long i couldn't imagine it any other way.
and like christina, it did all go away (but not all the other IF feelings. after all i will always be infertile.). but i also admit that like ultimatejourney, i thought you didn't need me anymore. you have heard me comment before about what a fantastic job you do of cultivating such a great sense of community. its obvious from the sheer number of comments you get. and like sticky bun, i also thought perhaps you'd rather not hear too much from me.
thanks for commenting on my blog and for posting this so i know you still want us oldsters around. and sorry for writing a novel!
Love the tattoo. I will try to check on you, I know I've been bad about checking in on anyone regularly lately.
ReplyDeleteI have been in that abandonment bit - it seemed like everyone I started with (nearly 3 years ago) disappeared well before I actually got anywhere.
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and commenting.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated your honesty in this post. It's hard not to feel left behind when people who started treatment at around the same time as you move over to the 'other side'.
It seems to me that this community is necessarily a fluid one. There are those who drop by for just as long as it takes them to get pregnant, there are those for whom achieving that BFP is altogether more complicated, and there are those who continue to deal with the emotional fallout of infertility long after they stop treatment (whether because they become pregnant, or for any number of other reasons). As in real life, there are some people with whom we forge lasting friendships, and others with whom we bond in the short term because of our shared experiences.
You know, I've never felt like an accepted part of the IF blogging community. I never blogged about it during the YEARS we were going through it before we had Lila, so when I did start blogging about it (and already had a kid) I really didn't/don't feel accepted by many. You are awesome and have always made me feel welcome though, and I appreciate that very much. I'm so happy you've still got your faith!
ReplyDeleteI'll be here JJ! More so when I return to work to rest ;-)
ReplyDeleteI look forward to watching you change and grow as you fight this good fight.