Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Big "Red" Shoes

I'll admit it.

I have big feet...long, narrow, (but beautiful) size 10 feet.

A bit challenging growing up, since all my friends wore size 6-8. I always missed out on sharing the cute shoes to match my cute little outfit. For some reason, most of these cute shoes were red (a hard color to forget). I still sigh when I walk into the shoe department, and I have to walk past the first few isles to get to the 10 and above shoes. Honestly, do they not think women with bigger feet want to wear the cute styles that the petite feet get to wear?

There are advantages to having water-skis (as Mook lovingly calls them) for feet. I can cover a big distance in shorter amount of time, I can use my strong toes to pick clothes up off the floor, and give anyone a good swift kick in the rear. But most of the time, it's just me and my big feet in a small-feet world.

Some of the most famous little red shoes are Dorthy's beautiful ruby red slippers...only a size 6. Yet another pair I can't fit into. But the allure of these famous red shoes is hard to would be worth wincing in pain to fit into these fabulous shoes only for a moment!

There was a positive energy that these shoes held for Dorthy the whole time she wore them, yet she wasn't able to recognize their potential until the end of her journey. Glenda the good witch comes to her rescue, only to tell Dorthy that she had the tools to return home all along: just by clicking her shoes. The beautiful (little) red shoes.

I have recently come across a pair of "red" shoes that are just my size. However, they are "big" shoes to fill. The person who wore these shoes before me, is a big act to follow, but I am honored that she is confident that I will take care of her "shoes".

I am so happy to share that I am the new blogger for Redbook's Infertility Diaries. I am beyond honored for this opportunity to continue sharing our journey, educating others about infertility, and connecting with those who are looking for support. I know how important it is to connect to those going through this journey, and I hope that I can help at least one person not feel so alone...

I wish it were as easy as clicking my heels to return home; home being the innocence before infertility. But I truly believe that I am meant to stay in Oz for a while to lead others out. I don't want to be left wandering down the yellow brick road forever, but I (unlike Dorthy) am fortunate to realize the potential of the shoes I am putting on before the end of my journey.

I am not leaving my "jeans" behind! This will always be home--I am hopeful that I can reach out to more people through Redbook who need the excellent support that we all have found in this blogging community.

Hope to see you over at the Infertility Diaries--it's a whole new adventure, and I am looking forward to sporting my swanky new SIZE 10 red shoes...

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Fight or Flight?

Happy "Rat" Year! A Rat Year is a time of hard work, activity and renewal. I don't think I need to explain how appropriate a Rat Year is to all of us in the infertility world. Let us all be able to end this year with all the hard work and "activities" paying off and a sense of renewal! It's worth the fight.

So you all get angry too, huh? What a great discussion ensued from my last post--I hope it was as therapeutic for you as a reader as it was for me to GET IT OUT! My green-tint has subsided a bit but it still lies right beneath the surface. It definitely came roaring back when I heard about the loss of Sylvia, Claire and Lucy--and for the pain that Mary Ellen and Steve are experiencing. I, along with many others, could not shake the news from my mind--they have been in my thoughts and on my heart since that day. It just makes me ache for the unfairness of the whole situation. Makes me want to fight back at the universe!

Last week I took another step towards healing the anger, or so I thought. The counseling that Mook and I have been going to has helped so much, but I was still feeling the grips of anxiety holding me too tight. I had our counselor refer me to one of her colleagues that could assess my situation and hopefully prescribe some anxiety medication. It took a lot for me to get to that point, so I was hesitant to take this step; plus having to go through my history with yet another medical "professional." I'm not going to waste a lot of time on this idiot of a woman. She doesn't deserve the time: but I will say that even though I was able to get some medicine, I left there in a fit of rage. She had no clue how to talk to me. Told me to "try that IVF thing, it works for everyone..." and the magic phrase: "relax, it will happen--esp. now that I'm giving you drugs!" So I decided to fight back and have filed an official complaint against her, told my counselor that this woman needed a stern lesson because she cannot talk to people dealing with infertility in the way she did.

Moving on...

Got my blood panel results yesterday. I have to say, when I looked down at the caller ID and saw that it was my RE, I had no clue why he would be calling. It's crazy to admit this too: but for a brief second, I honestly had the thought that they had read my beta results wrong and I was indeed pregnant (albeit I had already had AF visit...) Whew, anyway...everything came back A-OK. Low chance of miscarriage, no clotting, all normal. It's awful/twisted that when I get back results that are normal, I tend to just shrug and say, "Ok, what?" It would be so easy to have one definitive answer. Not that I am not grateful for normal test results! I can now cross that off the list of being a reason our little embies aren't sticking around. I want more than ever to give them a fighting chance!

By now, you may have realized I have been emphasizing the word: fight. Anyone who has gone through counseling/therapy/philosophy class may have heard this term: "Fight or Flight?"This refers to our natural reaction in a situation that causes us pain, discomfort, uncertainty, among many other feelings. I am a fighter. There are plenty of times that I feel like taking "flight" from a situation, but my natural tendency is to fight. Not a violent sense of the word: but standing up for what I believe in, holding my ground, communicating until I feel a situation is resolved.

On Saturday, I will celebrate my one year blogoversary. This blog has provided me a way to fight for not only mine and Mook's journey to become parents, but to lend support to others as well, and fight on their behalf. To celebrate this blog, which has become so important to me, is to extend an open invitation to my local/fellow bloggers to unite in the fight against infertility.

Where the state of NC may have been the first in flight, let's show them we can fight too! I have personally been inspired by the great group of women who are part of the DC Bloggers, and also had the privilege to meet quite a few of them. I saw what a difference it made to meet up in person and share the journey we are all on. To have the physical connection of a hug from a person who gets what you are going through. To look forward to gabbing with girls who not only want to talk about infertility, but what Pari.s Hil.ton was wearing at a movie premiere.

Let's make this work, girls. This isn't closed off to just NC people--if you can come over from any surrounding area, you are more than welcome! Let's start by gathering the participants: you can leave a comment here, e-mail me if you want to remain a bit more anonymous, and even if you don't have a blog and have been a lurker: ALL are welcome. We will gather the details, and plan our first meet up in the very near future--most likely in the Burlin.gton, NC area since that is middle of the state. Feel free to take this logo off my blog, and promote our BlgrsUnite on yours! And to my DC girls, thanks for always making me feel included--help me convince the NC group that it's worth organizing!

Thank you to Lori for allowing me to use her idea and formulate something that would work for our area. Thank you to Mel for helping us get "found", and thank you to my sweet Mook for helping me with our logo! One more thank you....Leah, thank you so much for the beautiful flowers you sent us-they have brought many smiles to our house!