Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Red Balloons

Do you know how many?


Is that song stuck in your head now? When I sing it, it goes a little something like this...."99 red balloons, la de da de dah de daaaa"

Regardless, it gets stuck on a loop in my head. At least it makes me sorta bounce my head and tap my feet while it's looping!

And that's how many days are listed on my ticker today: 99 days left. Double digits. Another lovely milestone that I have looked forward to. I just might have to get a red balloon on the way home...

Thank you for all your feedback on my neighborly post...I do realize that it's very likely that our children will be playmates in the years to come, so I hope we can get to a point of friendly understanding. Whether I will ever share our journey with her, remains to be determined--I will just have to wait and see.

Let's see, what else...here are some other happenings/updates from the "Jeans" household:
  • We are all decorated for Christmas: the earliest we have ever done it, but it was so nice to get it done. Last weekend Mook got everything down and I put our our village pieces out and put on some holiday tunes. Nat King Cole's version of "A Cradle in Bethlehem" came on, and the tears just started flowing-I just stood there thinking about how grateful I am.
  • We started our child-care classes last Tuesday, so our 2nd one is tonight. Since I registered at the last minute, we didn't get the letter telling us we needed to bring pillows. Oops. That made for a less than comfortable first experience with the labor breathing exercises on the floor: but Mook and I giggled the whole time-we learned our lesson, and the pillows are now permanently in my trunk for the remainder of class.
  • The Uterus of Gryffindor status: he's a busy little boy. I'm starting to notice when he likes to snooze--mid morning and mid afternoon, just like his momma. Still feeling new twinges, pulls all the time-trying to remember it's all a part of this process! I am finally feeling comfortable enough (in more ways than one) to take more pictures. You can see how I'm looking these days here, or click on the Gryffindor logo on the left side bar at anytime.
  • Slowly getting registry things done: I just don't do well with multiple options, so I am taking my time making sure I'm not just scanning or clicking away. Thank goodness for online registry!
  • I'm anxiously awaiting the 9th when I go in for the GD test and to check on the previa. I feel like I am carrying Ron so low, and worry that the placenta has not moved-since I feel like he's partial to be right above my pelvic bone. Doing my best to be at ease with whatever the outcome is.
  • Looking forward to being with family this week/weekend. I haven't seen some of them at all since we announced Ron's presence-I can't wait to reminisce and eat some good home-cookin'! BUT, my snarky/witty friend knows that some of these family members will want to be a bit much, so she got me these, which I just love!
And lastly, I am so thankful for this community and for all the wonderful things we do for each other. I've been moved to tears many times this week by things I've read! I hope each one of you have a blessed week and consider yourself holiday-hugged by yours truly!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Across the Street

It happened by coincidence--I was walking to the mailbox, and she was bringing up her trash can.

She yelled over to make sure we hadn't had any damage from the freak-November storm from the night before; said they lost their TV and had some branches in the yard that needed to be removed. I said luckily we had turned off our electronics in time, and that we had picked up the debris in the back yard. She said she hoped I didn't lift too much since I needed to be careful-no need to put pressure on "that belly"

I casually laughed and found it the appropriate time to offer my congratulations on the arrival of their adopted son, now 3 months old. For some reason, I had this sudden need to know he was real-so I asked, "Is it OK if I come meet your little guy?"

As I started across the street, I caught myself almost stopping a few times. I felt the pang of hurt come rushing back at me in small waves--however, not the tsunami type waves I used to feel.

I'll hit the pause button here (picture me mid-track across the street) to tell you why I hurt. Mook and I moved into our house exactly 4 years ago this month--and the first people to greet us were these neighbor's across the street. She: extremely outgoing and bubbly. He: southern guy who loves his sports and let's her do the talking. I didn't expect that we would be best friends, but it was nice to have people around our age that could introduce us to the area, join us for meals, and attend functions with. She even started helping me look for a job-and I was due to meet with a good friend of her's (who she repeatedly told me she never had anyone meet with, because her friend's time was so precious....oooook) but the weekend before, I had a seizure-out of town, too-, and was in the hospital for 3 days. I was so worried about this stupid job meeting, that I called her from the hospital to explain: that I was in the hospital, we were 3 hours away, and I wasn't sure when I'd be able to reschedule. I then handed the phone to Mook who went into further detail, and he kindly asked if they could take in our mail and just keep an eye on the house for us.

I didn't return home for another week, and when I did get home, I could tell Mook wasn't telling me something. When I finally got it out of him (he didnt want to upset me) he told me the mail had never been collected, and there had been 3-4 nasty messages on our machine from this woman who I was supposed to meet with.

I still to this day don't know exactly what happened: if she thought I lied to her about being sick, or if she just got bored of us being the new kids on the block, but for whatever reason--she dropped us like trash. Didn't call, never spoke to us when we passed on the street, and looked annoyed whenever we made the attempt to speak to her. It really upset me--more than it probably should have, but having to deal with all of that after being so sick, with no job prospects, and even fewer friends nearby, it just made me so bitter. So honestly, 3 1/2 years have gone by with no effort on their part to be even slightly neighborly.

So needless to say, when Mook and I drove home one day a few months ago and saw blue balloons and a "Welcome Baby Boy" sign on their mailbox, we were quite curious. Of course I wouldn't know if she had been pregnant, because they come and go through their garage, so I never saw her. But our question was answered a few days later when Mook was outside, and they come walking by with this newborn, and strike up a light conversation with Mook--he said he looked behind him when they started talking to make sure they really were talking to him!

Their little boy had been adopted right at birth, and he was 5 weeks at the time--they were so in love, and just doing so great, and we should stop over sometime--they also offered congratulations to Mook about our news (no idea how they found out). And that was that.

Un-pause. So as Im walking in the house, she just goes on and on about how fast time has already gone, and how much they love having him. And as she handed him over to me to hold, she said: "I keep telling the adoption agency not to refer anyone to us to talk about adoption, because our story was too good to be true--we only waited 8 months! BUT, tell anyone with infertility to come and talk to me, and I can give them a thorough lesson."

It's like time stood still in that moment. I looked down at her son, felt my son kick me, and wondered if she thought I was just another "lucky one." But also in that moment, I chose not to tell her about our 2 1/2 year struggle, because I felt like she didn't deserve to bond with me that way.

OK, I may have lost some of you on that last sentence: how could I not want to bond with someone right across the street from me about the crap that is IF!? But I hope more of you understand why I didn't. Maybe I should have let all the bitterness go of the past few years, but I almost felt robbed again by her, because maybe we could have gone through the IF struggle together, but because she shut off our budding friendship, I'll never know.

It's been hard for me to stop thinking about our run-in. Should I have at least said, "Oh I am sorry you all struggled, would you like to talk about it?" But then, would it have been hard for me to keep my own story to myself? I walked out of her house, and just shook my head--disappointed for the connection that could have been made.

Have any of you all gone through something like this? I am always speechless when I try to explain the meaningful connections I have made through being able to talk about infertility through blogging, and in the real world. This is the first time I've been confronted with another "comrade" in infertility, and chose to back out of the discussion-and it stings in so many ways.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Heart Happy

Thanks for all your thoughts today-

I was really pleased with the cardiologist--he knows a lot about the link between heart issues and pregnancy, and was able to give me enough information to feel at ease about what is going on with my ticker.

I have what is called PVC, or premature ventricular contraction. Not serious, though--just the medical term for why my heart is skipping beats. He estimates my heart has grown about 30% and is definitely pumping lots more blood through my system. All my pulse points checked out OK, and my blood pressure is still good. No need to wear a monitor right now--just have to pay close attention to the frequency, and if my heart rate actually starts to accelerate and stay accelerated for a period of time.

He said with the combination of the PVC and if my previa persists, Im most likely looking at bed rest again in the near future--so now Im doing my best not to stress about getting too much done in the next 4-5 weeks (when I get checked for the previa again).

Speaking of previa, I made the mistake of posting on a board today, asking if anyone had complete previa and then had it move, and all the responses were so morose: "ooo plan to bleed and be on bed rest with a c-section in your future." Not doing THAT again....sheesh.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

And breathe...

Well, what a week. It merits using color throughout this post.

-Sick dog
-Still sick dog who continues to do crap that will make her sick
-Another visit to the ER (for me, not dog)

And good things too!

-nursery colors have been chosen
-Ron has perfected the "bounce the remote of my tum" trick
-lovely meeting and spending time with Rachie from Infertile Turtle!

Soooo: Sick Dog.
Last Saturday, while getting ready for a Halloween party, Mook yelled from the shower: "Where's the soap?!" We were in the process of having our master shower redone, so we had been using the guest bathroom for about 3 weeks-this shower is just the full bath with the pull back curtain; our master shower is the glass door kind. These details are important, because it explains the crime. So in response to Mook's cry for soap, I yelled back "It HAS to be in there, because I just replaced it." Well it wasn't. Our first thought was that our neighbor's throwing the party were playing a practical joke. Umm, yeaaa that was amusing: playfully accusing our neighbor's of stealing soap. I'm pretty sure they think we're a bit nuts now! :0)

Oh well, we just had a ghost in the house...ooo spooky Halloween. So Sunday came and went without incident. Monday came and went without incident. Then Tuesday...Mook got home to find puddles of vomit...with suds in it. We found our ghost. She had been able to climb into the shower and grab it off the shelf.

ER vet told us to monitor her overnight, and we took her to our vet first thing Wednesday--she had definitely eaten the soap, and was quite sick because of it. They kept her overnight and thankfully nursed her back to health.

Why she is doing this now when she is almost 4? Well...our theory matches the vet's: she is craving more attention, and because I've been keeping that exact brand of soap in bed with me for my leg cramps, she is associating that smell with me. Hopefully she has lost her interest in soap after all this...

Howevvverrr: Still sick dog who continues to do crap that will make her sick.
She's been eating the trash. Going room to room, and pulling it all out and ripping it to shreds...she's never done this in the past. Again, the vet thinks it's smell association. She's hacking and not helping herself get better...I don't need another large vet bill. Could be back the crate for her during the day if she doesn't change her behavior.

Another visit to the ER (for me, not dog)
Saturday we had a nice day planned: some errands, breakfast at our favorite diner, meeting up with friends...Thank goodness we got all of that in before we made a trip to the ER. After having lunch with our friends, I went to the restroom to find that I had gushed fluid. Not comforting. Also, my heart had been acting funny since Thursday--skipping beats, making me catch my breath. So in combination with the gush of fluid and my heart, I made the decision to head off to the hospital.

Our on call service sucks. I have put in a formal complaint-they didn't call me back until Sunday. So I made sure to make that quite clear when I got to the ER to check in. Thank goodness, they got me back pretty quick--got me hooked up to the monitor and the doctor on call happened to be right near by. The monitor sung with Ron's heartbeat, and soon it had to be turned down because he making so much noise kicking the monitor in protest. Way to go, son!

Fluid: ended up just me being "juicy" Uh huh, the on call OB was very witty--she kept telling us, "The penis keeps me in business." Had to laugh at that one. But really, this whole juicy business freaks me out--and it's just something I'm going to have to deal with.

My heart: they did an EKG, took some blood to see if my thyroid is out of whack--of course I didn't have any palpitations while hooked up, but they have continued and it makes me catch my breath. I had a regular OB checkup today, and thank goodness he was able to get me into see a cardiologist tomorrow. I realize that my heart is pumping more blood, so hopefully that's all it is. But it's frequent enough to make it a concern--the OB agreed. I'm also having circulation issues in my legs, so Im anxious for tomorrow.

Next appt won't be for 4 weeks, and it's a biggie: glucose test and u/s to check on previa (please pray that it moves).

Nursery colors have been chosen.
YAY. Thought it was going to take us a lot longer, and be a lot harder-but we've already put a test swatch up for the 2 we chose, and it's a go! Will share photos when the room is a bit more complete.

The remote trick.
I can't wait to catch it on video--I'm planning to keep my phone with me the next few nights when I go to bed--this seems to be the prime action time. I never get tired of that feeling. So grateful that I will be 24 weeks tomorrow...

Lovely time meeting and spending time with Rachie from Infertile Turtle!
She was in my tiny little town visiting her brother--small world! So we were able to meet last night for about 2 hours--we got kicked out of Panera! Talk about a lovely person--I wish we had more time to chat and just hang out-hopefully we'll be able to visit again soon. She's gearing up for her first IVF, please stop by and wish her well!

Oops, got a little winded. Thanks for reading all the way through...I'll be sure to post an update on my cardio appointment and as always, prayers and good thoughts are always appreciated.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Info Does A Body Good

And info is what I shall provide.

I will need some info as well, so keep your peepers peeled:
  • I have yet to master the milkshake in the shower--planning on giving it a whirl later this week or weekend.
  • Mook and I spent 3 hours in BRU/Target this past Saturday: definitely had some teary moments, but I'm glad we got started on planning for Ron. At one point, I sat down in one of the gliders and said a prayer of thanks, and also said a prayer for all of you on your different journey's. As much as infertility has hurt us, it has kept our minds and hearts focused on the gift we have been given--made this process of registering much sweeter.
  • We have our crib. It was the last one in stock at the store, so we definitely lucked out--and it's also set up and sitting beautifully in the nursery. Talk about special...Mook was so joyful putting it together-no grumbles or cursing at all! I documented the whole process...
  • We registered for some other big things: travel system and mattress. But the rest we left for another time--I still have some thinking/researching to do.
  • Here's where I need info from you: any suggestions/ideas of where to look for bedding for a boy? I'm not looking for a fancy theme--really looking for basic colors, with some design in there. Just no trains, planes or automobiles--we'll save that for when he's older. Thanks in advance!
  • This past Thursday, I laid down for the night and Ron was not ready for bed. So I told Mook to try again to feel him (we've done this a few times now, and Mook leaves frustrated not being able to feel) Well, Ron did not disappoint. I will never forget the look on Mook's face when he felt the movement--it almost scared him! He kept jerking his hand back at the shock of it. I love that he can feel him now, too.
Other tidbits of note: I am sorry to my bloggy friends--bloglines ate my new-updates over the weekend, so I am behind on reading. And as I read to catch up, it warmed my heart to see that Janna loves me :0) I love ya back! I love so many of you...but today I want to send this to two bloggers: Astral, because it's her birthday, and to No Swimmers-please go give her loads of hugs today.

  • Voting: I did it. I am grateful for the opportunity to vote, and I pray for the future of this country, no matter what the outcome is. Not to mention, I'm so ready for this election to be over. I dream about the candidates because of all the political ads I see before falling asleep.
And last (but certianly not least) as the holiday's approach, it reminds me of the incredible generosity the blogging community extended to us this time last year when I was selling my Christmas CD through Shop Mom and Pop to help fund our FET. As a reminder, this CD is a professional recording of eight holiday songs (original arangements) by yours truly--guest appearance on one of the tracks by Mook! I am opening my "shop" again, and all proceeds from the purchase of the CD will go to the U.T.E.R.U.S. project.

How to order: The cost of the CD is $16. I will be able to accept paypal payments (credit cards may be used through paypal) and checks. Shipping is $2 to US and $4 for international. Please be sure to list an e-mail address or include one in the comment section/e-mail to me if you do not have an e-mail link associated with your blog. This is how I will get the paypal information to you! (You can simply e-mail me if you don't wish to leave a comment here--I welcome both!)

So there is loads of info you today. Re-read at your lesiure. :0)