Thursday, September 20, 2012


My very first sentence on my very first post:

"And so it begins: the documentation of the journey we began in July 2006 to expand our family!"

And what a journey it's been...and I'm so incredibly glad I made the leap into that rabbit hole. It was intimidating to put my thoughts and feelings out there and share every nitty-gritty detail with complete strangers...some of those strangers have become some of my closest friends.

So as you have probably guessed by now...this is the last post for me here at Reproductive Jeans. Over the last year, especially in the last few months, it's become more difficult for me to find the words to write here. I've composed a million updates in my mind, but get cold feet when it came time to log in and post something.

And I know that it's because I feel silly talking about all the random stuff that now floats in and out of my mind, and hardly any of it revolves around acronyms like IVF, IUI, 10DPO, etc....

Is it strange to say it makes me happy and sad at the same time? Because it goes without saying, I'm grateful for the IF community that I will always be a part of, and it makes me sad to say goodbye to a place that literally saved my sanity. On the other hand, I'm happy to wrap up this chapter of my life and move on to write more freely about what life is like for me now...

Goodbyes are tough. Whether I write many more paragraphs or only a few sentences, I don't know that I'll ever be satisfied that it's enough to convey my heart-felt thanks for this space. I will always treasure it. Always.


Let me know in the comments if you'd like to get an email from me when I set up my new space... (please make sure to leave your email address if its not associated with your blogging account!!)

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Tech Talk

(Original image @ Kali Crafted)

Please stand by as I work out some technical issues that involve IP forwarding, DNS servers, C-Panel and other language that ain't so technical. *sigh* 

I love technology, but it also drives me crazy sometimes!

Friday, May 18, 2012


All birthday’s are special. I’m feeling especially grateful for mine this year…and since I’ve always loved the song, “32 Flavors” (Alana Davis or Ani DiFranco’s rendition), I thought I’d share 32 tid-bits of wisdom from my 32-year-old heart, mind and soul.
  1. Buy multiple pairs of underwear you like – you never know if they will get discontinued
  2. Invest in good pillows
  3. Wear sunscreen
  4. Never pass up an opportunity to pee
  5. Chill your wine
  6. Put on extra zit cream and leave it in a glob on said zit overnight – may not be pretty, but it works
  7. Wear your seat-belt – or as O-man calls it, “Your backseat”
  8. Learn to communicate with your loved ones
  9. Always carry a tampon
  10. Don’t be afraid to fail
  11. Love yourself deeply
  12. Forgive others
  13. Forgive YOURSELF
  14. Blog even when you don’t feel like you have anything to say
  15. Find your perfect shade of lip stick
  16. Write thank you notes
  17. Read outside of your comfort zone
  18. Try new foods
  19. Learn to love and abuse the SAVE/Backup option for any technology you own
  20. Never take a laxative and sleeping pill on the same night
  21. Always use a turn signal
  22. Ask for help
  23. Treasure your genuine friends
  24. Thank your mother – often
  25. Color sort your M&M’s
  26. Even when you don’t know where you’re going – know where you’re NOT going
  27. Don’t use Facebook as a way to gauge your success in life
  28. Recycle
  29. Clean your kitchen before going to bed
  30. Don’t worship the scale
  31. Music is magic – it can lift you from the deepest, darkest corners
  32. Take the high road

Monday, May 14, 2012

Why Not Me?

When crappy stuff happens to you, if you’re like every other human being on the planet you ask, “Why me?!”

I asked that question a BUNCH when we began trying to build our family – all our friends had no problems getting pregnant, and had no infertility issues: “Why me?!”

But then a wonderful thing happened – I found a community of people just like me trying to start a family and I have since found some of my closest and dearest friends through that journey.

Now I’m faced with a different journey – one that actually still makes the infertility journey feel so raw all over again.

My biopsy did not come back clean – my journey to beat this cancer is just beginning. And I’ve found myself asking out loud, to my friends/family: “Why me?!”

But then in other conversations with my mom and my church pastor, we’ve discussed the harder side of that statement: “Why not me?”

Someone is diagnosed with skin cancer every eight minutes. And it just so happens, I fell into that eight minute window.

Trust me, I’m FAR from zen about this whole thing. This is about as zen as I’ve gotten the past week:

Taking a moment out of my day to appreciate life's beautiful artwork   

I’m actually pretty angry. I’ve been scared, loopy, hopeful, terrified – a FULL range of emotions as I’ve waited out the test results from my surgery last week. I keep asking to anyone who’s listening: “When is it going to be enough?” Right now, I’m not sure I believe the statements: “We are never given anything we can’t handle” or “This too shall pass” because frankly, I’m not sure if I can handle this and when I’m told by my oncologist that this may be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life …well, that doesn't feel like something that shall pass!

But then again, maybe its just the anger talking. Especially since Mook and I had the conversation yesterday (on Mother’s Day of all days) that we are closing the book on expanding our family. I don’t think I’ll ever give up that tiny 1% chance of hope that our “jeans” could be passed on just by ::gasp:: having SEX, but we definitely won’t do any more treatment, and have decided not to pursue adoption. (it’s hard even typing that)

The focus obviously is shifting to making sure I get better and as always – remember how freaking lucky I am to be O-man’s Mommy. I don’t take that for granted for one second. But it still aches to know that with this additional lemon being thrown into our lives, that we had to come to this decision sooner than we would have liked.

My lymph nodes are clear (as of now) the surrounding tissue, is wracked with abnormal cells – as were the margins around the skin that was taken out during surgery last week. So, I’m incredibly thankful that the timing of all of this saved me from advancing quicker into Stage III – I’m hoping I’ll hang in with Stage II until I can whip this thing.

Starting interferon injections next week for the next 6 months – let’s hope I don’t barf on too many shoes in the process.

So yes, universe – “Why not me?” This isn’t my choice for how to enter into my 32nd year of life, but if I can encourage a few people who may read this post to go get their skin checked, then maybe I’ll help someone with early detection. I will find a way to turn this experience into something(s) positive.

But today? This sucks. (just being honest) I’ll ebb and flow between all the above emotions – so now that I know what’s ahead of me, I can tackle one day at a time….

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Just when I was getting my feet planted on the ground…

Just when I thought I could handle managing the unknown and grey area for the next few months…
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly handle anything else…

I got a phone call this past Friday morning as I was driving to work from my dermatologists office. I had gone in last Tuesday for my 6 month checkup from the issues I was having last year – and YAY, all was clear – the Bowen’s Disease is under control and managed by topical cream, and no re-growth on the mole I had removed last year. However, she did remove a suspicious mole that had been on her radar (aka, my chart) the past year – but I didnt give it much thought. I left feeling good.

I was happy to have ALL my doctor’s appointments behind me for a least a little while, so when I answered the phone call and it was my doctor and not the nurse, I pulled into a parking lot, because when the doctor calls, its usually not to tell you good news.

That mole biopsy came back as melanoma – CRAP. I drove straight to see Mook – he was just down the road getting his yearly physical, and I caught him just before he went in for his appointment. Thank goodness – because I collapsed into a huge mess – I could not believe what I had just heard, and above anything else in that moment, I was ANGRY.

How much more can my body handle? And more importantly, how much more can I handle mentally? This past weekend was HARD. Really hard. We knew Friday that it was already Stage II based on the margins, so not knowing if it has progressed past that left us with a long weekend of questioning/waiting.

Yesterday I went in for the surgical procedure to remove a large chunk of skin – its between my shoulder blades right on my spine. 45 stitches later, and we are back in the waiting game for this next pathology report.

So, I’m sorry these updates continue to feel like a boxing TKO – I am still in a bit of a shocked state, and am just taking life one day at a time….

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Grey Area

And no, I’m not talking about the oh-so-popular Fifty Shades of Grey * that so many are gossiping about by the water cooler.

This grey-area is far less awesome.

First, it’s not cancer – you could practically see the weight come off my shoulders when I heard the doctor (yes my doctor rocks, and called me personally). Unfortunately, there is the word cancer in the report: precancerous cells.

So yes, I’m thrilled. I feel blessed. I am happy that it’s NOT cancer.

But for the rest of the diagnosis and follow-up steps, there is a lot of grey area.

Because the entire mass contained abnormal/precancerous cells (along with the surrounding tissue) I will go back in 4 weeks and have a laser ablation of the lining of my uterus. More bleeding. Yay. (I have kept ‘Always’ in business the past 4 months) Birth control for the next 3 months, and a follow-up endometrial biopsy in August.

I realize that sounds like a pretty decisive diagnosis and treatment plan – it is … in theory. For me mentally? It leaves the book open – this chapter cannot be closed. I am left in limbo – and
I guess
, no -I know I’m just damn tired of living in health-limbo.  I’m not black-and-white healthy and I must remain in this grey  area while my body chugs along and figures out how to reset. It’s also the added heart/B12/thyroid issues that I have to keep on top of – I have 4 more weeks of B12 injections and 3 more months of beta blockers – so later this summer? I’m gonna EXPECT my body to be back with the program and on track, dammit.

It could be worse. So much worse. I know that. But I’m not going to spout sunshine because that’s really not how I feel. I will get there – time heals. But right now, I’m allowing myself to be OK with being upset that I don’t have clearer answers.

I am going to get back to walking, since I’ve been cleared to do that – and my hope is that the exercise will help my mental health as well. And being able to blog again – well that’s an excellent medicine all by itself! Thanks for all the well-wishes and support – I’ve been recouping this week and I’m grateful for the TLC from my family and friends.

*Yes, Ive read Fifty Shades of Grey – talk about turning fifty shades of RED when my mother asked me if I had read it. Hi Mom :) *

Monday, April 16, 2012

Tonight, On The Eleven O’Clock News…

Thank you for joining us for this BREAKING NEWS story – we will cover a lot in a short amount of time, so stay tuned for further news as we receive it.

JJ was last seen at a computer blogging before her husband’s (aka: Mook’s) esophagus surgery in September of last year – here is what we have gathered has happened since that time:
  • Mook had a successful surgery with a lengthy recovery time, but is doing well and back to running around with O-man
  • JJ took a leap of faith and did something she hadn’t done in six years: auditioned for a musical … and got the lead! That kept her occupied and in a blissful state through the holiday season.
  • JJ got pneumonia post-blissful state … she reportedly does not recommend visiting an Urgent Care facility on New Years day.
  • JJ loved above blissful state so much, that she auditioned for another theater production – and threw in a movie audition for kicks. Both ventures successful, the creative outlets provided JJ with a great sense of self-fulfillment – much needed after the trials and tribulations of 2011.
  • O-man turned three in February – both JJ and Mook were overheard saying “What a JOY he is – and how lucky we are to have this (not so) little boy making us smile every day…”
  • Mook started blogging!
  • JJ began noticing that the adrenaline rush she was getting on stage was extending past the curtain call – fast/irregular and sometimes painful heart palpitations. Not to mention a seemingly never ending cycle that brought on heavy bleeding at times. Off to the doctor she went.
  • Shortened version before we go to commercial break: it was worth going to the doctor. JJ has a severe B12 deficiency, a ventricular tachycardia condition – and to top it all off: the cause of the never-ending cycle, (a quote obtained directly from JJ’s physician), “a suspicious non-fibroid-uterine-tumor” that is being removed this Friday. Anxious feelings surround the Jeans household.
  • We now break in with a special statement from JJ:
    • I may not know exactly where this blog is headed, but I’m happy to have the computer keys under my fingers again. The enter key never felt so good. Thanks for being here with me.”
We appreciate you tuning in for tonight’s BREAKING NEWS. Please stay tuned for more news and non-third person reporting (aka: blogging) in the very near future…..