Sunday, March 27, 2011

Measuring Time...and Moles

Last night, Mook and I had a rare evening to just sit on the couch and just be. Laundry was done, he had made a fabulous, yummy dinner and best of all...we didnt have any pressing honey-do projects.

So we decided to sweep through the list of on-demand movies we had on the boob-tube (such funny slang) and settled on Watchmen.

Im sad to say those were three loooong hours. You know, we all say--"Ugh, those are three hours I'll never get back!" And its true--we hated it, and said that very statement as soon as the credits started rolling. But in those three hours, I got to hold hands, cuddle and just be with my husband. Those are three good hours I wouldn't ever trade.


I've had the concept of time on my mind a lot lately.

It's a thought process that links a lot of things in life--that may seem like an obvious statement, but I guess Ive been looking at more like how one event in time can lead to a ripple effect for so many other things.

Ive mentioned it before, I think--about how Ive often wondered what life would be like if we could treat it like a "Choose Your Adventure Book"...turn to page 12 if you want Sally to go to the beach and turn to page 15 if you want her to ride her bike to her friends house.

So when I was given the option to go through hormone treatments to have a baby, I never imagined my adventure would lead me to the page that reads: "You have developed Bow.en's Disease, Stage II-III Skin Cancer."

And since it's a book, I'd choose to flip ahead and rip out that page. Burn that page. Never have to choose to flip to that page. 

Except, I am currently living on that page. 

You've been reading for a while? Yes? Ok, then you may remember my initial visit after discovering a very large mole that had developed during my pregnancy, then returning to have that same mole removed a mere three months later, then discovering a cyst. 

Recently I discovered a new outbreak of skin bumps on my elbow (hard to notice it all winter when living in long-sleeves), and since my 6 month-check up was coming up, I decided it might be best to move it up based on my recent history.

So two weeks ago, I was seen, biopsied and sent on my way. A few days later, I received a message on a Friday afternoon at 4pm that I needed to "call first thing Monday morning for an urgent status update on my biopsy." Oh hells no. My phone never rang, so that was part of the problem. So I immediately called back with no luck--they were closed for the day. I was so enraged that I called and complained to the on-call nurse later that night, and with some persistence, got them to page the on-call doctor. 

Thank goodness it was my doctor. She was very apologetic--it was not her personal nurse who had left the message, but I trust that this nurse has been schooled on proper message-leaving-etiquette at this point. UGH.

I was wearing pink sweat pants, a grey Army shirt and had a dust rag in my hand that Saturday morning last week when she told me I most likely had a form of cancer. Just sort of one of those moments in time I will remember the random things to diffuse the level of emotion that swept through me.

She went over the results..."Blah, blah, cancer, blah blah, skin not clean, blah, blah, hormones affecting your body, blah, blah, blood test first thing Monday."
Blood results in combination with the biopsy has confirmed that I have Bow.ens Disease, in a level II possibly III stage. I know you will most likely rush to google to diagnose me--I did. Some of it is ugly (like, eww, I did not want to know the ways it can present itself--I have not had major arsenic exposure nor have I ever had HPV).

I havent even had what I would consider 60+ years of sun exposure. But Ive had lots of synthetic hormones that have caused my body to go out of whack. My thyroid is also out of sync in relation with whats going on. My dermatologist, OB and RE are all in discussion with each other at this point so I feel very well taken care of as we move forward. We've also contacted an oncologist, should I need to say the word chemo out-loud anytime soon...which let's hope I dont.

I go in Tuesday for my first photo-therapy treatment with the hopes that its the only type of treatment I'll need to kick this thing. I'll know more about possible lymph node issues on Tuesday, too. 

The kicker? (and why I can't help but just smile and shake my head) That mole that has been the biggest pain in the butt? Its RIGHT ON my va-jay-jay. Sorry, maybe TMI, but I just had to share how angry I feel about all of this some moments. So if there is lymph node stuff going on, its likely in that area--you know, that area that I had to deal with so much with in the past 3 years. Swell.


So there you have it. My new adventure is to kick this thing. Square in the ass.

I'm definitely concerned for all of us women and men who have had to inject ourselves with so many hormones to become parents. But that is a post for another day. And let me say now that Im not making this a platform for ART treatments equals cancer. Not at all. But I am curious to hear from others who may have started to experience some health issues after going through ART treatments.

Annnnd as I was finishing this post, my phone rang with my auto-phone-reminder for my appointment Tuesday. Think of me at 10am EST? I'll have you all in my pocket...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My Life is Complete

My long time friend, Suzy sent out a tweet the other day with this quote:

Tough times don't last, tough people do

I need this to be true. But too much doom and gloom does not do a body good, so I want to share something that does a body (at least this body) very good.

I cannot tell you the joy I felt when I saw these: 


I realize this isn't exciting for everyone. But for someone who LOVES ketchup as much as I do, this product is fantastic. I can open 4, line them up in a row, and not have to sit there and squeeze the packets for what seems like forever. Im usually still squeezing ketchup while those Im eating with are already half way through the meal. 

So while Im still processing life as I know it right now, I'll be coming up with even more things I can enjoy with ketchup.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

No Name

There are definitions for a lot of things...

Joy: rejoice; feel happiness
Sadness: emotions experienced when not in a state of well-being

But what is the word for the in between emotion that exists between joy and sadness?

Because that's where I have hovered the past few days.

On Saturday, I got to pull of a wonderful surprise...flying across the country to wrap my BFF in a hug as she is preparing for lots of changes in her life. (Ms. Rottenstinker has an active, cute toddler, is 7 1/2 months pregnant, has a rambunctious 6 month old lab, and is moving) Crazy? Yes. But I love her.

On Tuesday, my grandfather passed away.

Even now, I sit and grapple with the roller coaster of emotions. I'm waiting to see what I will do as far as traveling to be with my family while I simultaneously wrap glasses in moving-paper and spend time with someone I care about so much.

Since I suck at adjusting to time change, Im still a bit loopy as it is currently 1am EST, but I am enjoying my 2nd glass of wine, in honor of my grandfather, and trying to formulate sentences that properly explain this in between emotion.

I guess I am also just ready to be in more of a steady pattern of life right now...2011 has not been the kindest to me yet, and I'd like to get off this roller coaster. I am happy to be here with her. Can't fib and say it's not hard to want that cute belly she's sporting.

And when you sit and try and come up with more words, and its been 20 minutes, its time to just hit "Publish Post"...

If anyone can define this emotion for me, Id greatly appreciate it. Until then, I think limbo land is where I will remain.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: Transition

He's been in the big boy bed for 3 weeks now...he's done great! The biggest adjustment?

Earlier wake-up time for me.

It was a lot easier to just let him play, sing and gradually wake up when the crib was up, but now.... hes up and ready for the day early, and I am just not a morning person. No need to try and hide it. Even coaxing him to lay down with me and watch Timmy Time on Disney Jr (which I looooaaathe), doesnt always work to keep him in "calm" mode for a bit longer.

Just gonna have to find some stronger coffee? It's worth it to see him do so well with a big adjustment :)