Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A Fond Farewell


2008 is about to become history. As of tomorrow, everyone will refer to it as "last year" and it will officially become the past.

I have always been one to reflect on the past and look ahead into the future-it's a challenge for me to take advantage of the present. But 2008 has really taught me to live in the moment and that is the greatest lesson I will take forward with me into this new year.

As most of you are probably doing, I want to make note of some memorable moments from this past year. I don't intend to categorize them as positives and negatives, because each thing that took place in my life this year, got me to this moment and will carry me forward.
  • We started off the year with reconnecting through couples counseling
  • We put hope into Chilly and Willy during our FET cycle
  • I was able to connect to more wonderful people by blogging for REDBOOK Infertility Diaries
  • I submitted my first entry to the International Infertility Film Festival
  • We made the decision to try IVF for the 2nd time
  • Braces Bunch added a 2nd generation of bloggers
  • I celebrated a year of blogging and 100 posts
  • We put hope into Harry, Ron and Hermione during IVF #2
  • We were overcome with joy and hope when we found out IVF # 2 had worked--and Ron was officially in the Uterus of Gryffindor
  • I learned to sit still with God and treasure each day as I spent 9 weeks on bed rest
  • We learned that Ron was truly a Ron!
  • We reached many personal goals: 13 weeks, 20 weeks, 24 weeks, and it continues...
  • I stayed connected with and met new bloggers: all of you inside my computer are a treasured friend, and I am so thankful for the continued support given in this community
Last year, Mook and I knew what each other was thinking and wishing as the clock struck midnight-and I remember wishing so many things for all of my blog buddies as well. Not much will change tonight when the new year comes in-our thoughts will be with the precious gift we have been given, and many good thoughts will be going out across the miles. I truly love calling out each bloggers name in my head and sending a special thought...

I've been a bit quiet as the year has come to an end...mostly because I got to spend 5 wonderful days with Mook being home for the holidays. With his work schedule, we don't get a lot of time together during this time of year, but it meant a lot that he was able to take some time off-he knew how hard it was for me that we couldn't be with my family this year. Thank you to each of you who sent little reminders that you'd be thinking of us on Christmas--we sent those warm thoughts right back! (I'm still enjoying the yummy fudge that Delenn suggested we make--her Grammie's fudge is truly delicioso!)

The other not-so-happy reason is I was back in the hospital on the 28th. For most of the day, I had quite a few BH contractions, and as the night settled in I experienced shortness of breath and shooting pains on the lower part of my stomach. I tried to remain calm--there was no bleeding, so I called the triage nurse, but after a review of my symptoms along with the previa, she told me to go in ASAP.

Thank goodness the pattern continues: Ron's doing well, my body just wants to pitch a fit. They did catch quite a few contractions on the monitor, and since the pain continued they decided to do an u/s. I was in so much pain, I didn't really get a good look at the monitor--but Mook said little man was doing well. He is breech, but that doesn't mean much in our case--but Im wondering if his little feet were pressing on a nerve. The best news was that my cervix was fine-frustrating news is that they aren't really sure what caused the episode. I hated that I couldnt wait to just be seen by my doctor (which was yesterday) but I'm thankful for good health care!

The appt yesterday: I have been given procardia that I need to take if Im having more than 3 BH in a short span (20 min or so) and it looks like bed rest is in the very near future. I will still go back next week for my weekly check in, and then on the 12th he will do another u/s and we will most likely have a c-section date after that appointment. So I continue to be thankful for the constant reminder that Ron is OK (I dont know when this kid sleeps!) and just pray that I can keep him "cooking" as long as possible!

So as 2009 approaches, I do bid a "fond" farewell to 2008: it brought us many blessings and in the midst of the hard times I grew in faith and had the best friendships in the world to fall back on in this community.

May 2009 be mighty fine!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Bag it Up

A very specific question, but any help would be appreciated.

I love purses/bags/messenger carriers, so it's no surprise that I would like a fantabulous diaper bag. I do not want to become a bag lady if I can help it: carrying a huge diaper bag AND a purse. I'd love something that combines my needs and little Ron's.

Your ideas? Recommendations? Bags not to waste time on?

Much obliged!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Nesting Anyone?

I've always been an organized person, so when you multiply that times ten=you've got one panicky JJ and one exasperated Mook.

Honestly, we are dealing with the nesting feelings pretty a-ok: we knew with my personality that when it did hit, that we'd both have to brace ourselves. Since we've been able to talk through the small tiff's we've gotten into, and continued to communicate about the panicky feelings, we're working through it. Mook's been a trooper, and I will share his efforts with you shortly!

First an update on my appointment from this week--it was short and uneventful. Probably the last one that will be like that, so I'll take it. It was more of a follow up from last week, and a time for me to ask more questions-no checking of the cervix or previa this time. He was comfortable with passing me on the glucose test, so that made me feel tons better. He said that he would keep an eye on my urine sample each visit. So I celebrated with a Krispy Kreme donut last night :0)

I asked about hiccups (his, not mine!), growth scan, and when we would schedule my c-section. Ron gets the hiccups at least 3 times a day...so it started to worry me that it was too often--but doc man said it was perfectly normal. I wondered when we'd do an actual growth scan, since all I've gotten up to this point is just a belly measurement, which has always been OK, but I want to know how his little body is growing. As far as the c-section date, we will most likely know the date after my next ultrasound, which is January 12th. I'll be right around 33 weeks at that point. I won't go in next week, due to the holiday, but I go back on the 30th for a routine check-in, which may involve a swab test and a visual check on the cervix. He also mentioned if I start to have more then 4 Braxton Hicks contractions in an hour, that I need to call--he'll want to get me on some meds. As of right now, I have about 4-5 a day.

We had our last baby class last night--I do think it was worth it, esp for Mook's benefit. Just helped us make a plan of action and understand all the small details. I've already got my hospital bag half packed...a bit crazy to think about, but after learning more about what this complete previa situation could cause, I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I finally did it. I finished registering (at the giant, BRUS and my favorite french store, Tar-jay). I honestly would still be only a little of the way through if my friend hadn't offered to take me, and get it all finished. I'm so thankful she was able to do that--even Mook came along--he doesn't pass up an opportunity to use the gun. I also found a great bedding set on e-bay, and it goes really nice with our nursery colors.

Speaking of the nursery, here are some photos to look through. I'm really in awe every time I walk by or into the room--I just get the biggest smile on my face, and say a prayer of thanks and one for things to come. Thanks to Mook for all his hard work!



I've come out of my pity party, and am focusing on the positive and trying to remain in the holiday spirit! Looking back to this time last year makes my heart ache: we were really having a hard time with our IF journey, and it was right before we started counseling. So I am counting my blessings-life really is a gift.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

No Call...

I had Mook check the answering machine as soon as he got home last night...no call from my OB. I'm taking that as a bit more on the positive side. I'm sure we will still discuss things at my appointment on Tuesday--but I will definitely be watching my sugar/carb intake regardless.

Planning on giving my boss an update today: the fact that I could go out at anytime, and that I will need to go to weekly appointments from here on out. I'm a bit anxious about it, since I still get asked weekly "When are you due again?" Still have not decided about the "after the fact" but I figure I can be like Scarlett O'Hara and worry about that tomorrow. One thing at a time...

I put up a much better quality scan of the latest glamor shot plus a picture of yours truly, from the day I was born. I personally believe he is looking a bit like his momma!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sing it like Madonna


For those of you who didn't see my glorious twitter-fest this morning, here's the scoop. I'm borderline. Thank goodness it is in the pass side of borderline. The nurse was comfortable enough to pass me-because the numbers were in range--but only slightly. I don't know, and didn't ask, how much weight those few points carry. I'm expecting to hear from my doctor if he either a) wants me to repeat the test; b) go ahead and treat it as gestational diabetes or c) just leave it alone! Also, they reaffirmed what I forgot to mention yesterday-my iron is low. Add those supplements to my list!

Honestly, I just didn't imagine having to deal with this. I still don't know if I did anything to cause this (nurse says no) but of course I analyze everything I have put in my tum up to this point. And to think I was being scolded about not eating enough at the beginning. And I still don't feel my eating habits are terrible. *Sigh....

Plus, I used to really love Sunkist...but I don't think I'll be grabbing one of those anytime soon after consuming over 18 oz of overly sugary-orange goo.

What happened to the pipe dream of ice cream and pickles whenever you damn well felt like it! :0)

Edited to add:
I would love to take the exercise/walking option into play for keeping this at bay, buuuuut due to the previa, all exercise is o-u-t, out. Maybe I can just do arm type exercises on the couch--at least to get my blood pumping?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

This Day in History

December 9, 1993: U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope.

I am working on contacting those same astronauts to come repair ME.

I'm getting ready to throw a pity party, so fair warning. I will get over it and move on, but for right now, I feel like I just lost a fight with Evander Holyfield...and I didn't even get a chance to bite off his ear. (who I've actually met, and he's not that big of a guy!) Anyway...

This day will go down in history as a particularly glum day in Jeans land. Let me just say, I did go in with high spirits and was really doing a good job at being positive. That slowly got chipped away as I got my: blood results, urine/swab results, and ultrasound results.

First, I have a lovely yeast infection. Splendid. The big kicker is, he doesn't want me to treat it right now. He says its not bad enough, and he wants me to forgo the meds right now since there is too much going on in that region and to call if I start to feel bad.

What I've truly known in my gut for a while now: still have complete previa. Less than a .5% chance it will move at all from here on out. It's a nice thick, healthy placenta that little Ron is thriving off of, but it's definitely in the way. I've had a lot of time to come to grips with this, and I am not stressing about the fact that I will have to have a c-section (more on this in a later post). My fears are coming from the unknown. While my cervix remains long and closed, I could start bleeding at any time. He wants to get me to 37 weeks, but obviously if I notice any spotting, it's straight to the hospital. So Mook and I have to go ahead and start planning--which we did at lunch after the appt--and get people on board to help us, get my hospital bag packed, and all those fun things. I will go weekly from here on out, so I am very grateful that they are monitoring me so close. I will continue to work as long as I can (unless I am put back on bed rest) since I am only 2 minutes from the hospital while at work, and 20 minutes when I am at home.

Big fat fail on the glucose test. It needs to be under 140, and I scored a 148. So I get to go back tomorrow for the 3 hour test. I'm reaaaaaly hoping that my body cooperates and I pass tomorrow. Good news is there is wireless at my doctor's office, and they said I can bring in my lap top. I'll be able to post the results of my 3 hour test in real time--whoohoo. (please let it be normal...)

Probably the worst news for me, is that I cannot go home for Christmas. As soon as he said, "no more travelling" my bottom lip started to quiver. When he left the room, I just broke down...that was the final blow. I know Mook and I will have a great little Christmas together, I just love being with my family at Christmastime--all of our fun traditions. Anyone want to come over for Christmas? :0)

But I have saved the best for last. Our precious little Ron--as soon as the tech was sure the previa was still there, I was anxious for her to get that wand moving so we could see him--it's been 10 weeks! And he's definitely growing! His sweet little nose and lips are so defined on the 3-D image. We were also able to get another reassurance that it is in fact a Ron--Mook was a bit nervous that "things" might be missing! I've posted the newest glamor shot if you wish to see his cute little face.

I continue to be so thankful that everything is OK with him. It's just as my doctor said: "What are you doing causing all these problems?!" He was quick to make sure I knew he was joking, and that there is nothing I am or am not doing to make these things happen. It' s good to hear that, but today I just feel so responsible. I just want to do everything I can to make sure Ron makes it here safe and sound. I whispered to Ron as we left the doctor's that although I loooove those milkshakes, that I will make a big cut-back...and, oh: those extra bites of key lime pie are done too...

We have our 4th baby/child class tonight, and we get a tour of the hospital and the facilities-looking forward to seeing some of the men up in the stirrups! Hoping that by seeing where everything will take place, and where I will go will help ease my mind. Overall, and of course outweighing my pity party, is the blessing of modern medicine. I'll continue to focus on the good and just pray that everything will work out. Thanks for all your thoughts today!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Photo Friday

Perfect timing to participate in Calliope's Photo Friday theme, since Mook and I were rummaging through shoe boxes of photos last night.

I don't have a strong recollection of having too many stints on Santa's lap--my mom probably has those pictures in her albums. But here are 2 that I came across...and honest-to-goodness, one of my earliest memories is of these red footie-PJ's in this first picture:


Myself, on the left, with my cousin. Don't we look like twins?
This was taken over the Christmas holiday 1982.


Our Christmas card that year--I'm thinking 1986? I loved that little ATV Raider!

Check out all the other Early Holiday Photo entries here!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

twenty-seven

I can literally get stuck for 20 minutes trying to think of a title, and today it's not so creative--but I'm beyond thankful to be able to use it.

27 weeks today. The big milestone according to the baby growth sites is: Ron can now blink his eyes. One site says I am in the third trimester today, but most of the others say it's next week...either way: holy crap.

Not too much to report--just wanted to check in and post some things for the record.

  • We went to our 3rd baby/child class last night--it's not the best thing in the world-but I can tell it's helped Mook (and probably the other gentleman too) understand a bit more about the birthing process. There are 2 women in the class that are the "needy" ones...I mean, I consider myself needy when I want questions answered about what is going on with Ron..but these two are over the top--they are always making us go over the class time (which is already 2 hours) and for some reason they just annoy the crap out of me. Ehh, blame it on hormones. I still have this itch to ask the teacher to talk about fertility treatments, because I just have this feeling that some of the other couples in the class have been through IF as well.
  • Our Turkey Day holiday was nice--not as overwhelming as I thought it might be. We were in the car quite a bit, so that meant frequent pit-stops. The down-side to the holiday's for us was having my whole family, plus some extended family get incredibly sick Saturday afternoon/evening--Mook and I made the decision to Lysol everything, get in the car and go home--I hated leaving like that, but it came on so fast, and so fierce that I was scared to not be near my doctor if need be. I'm still praying we stay healthy.
  • December 9th is approaching...I've been anxious about this appt for 10 weeks! I just wish I could force the worry out...but it's hard. Sometimes I find myself saying "OK, well if I still have the previa, I can schedule the c-section, and not worry about going through labor." I know that may sound strange to some--but because I am such a CONTROL freak-the whole "what if I am in labor?" and the act of laboring makes me nuts--because I have no control over it. But of course on the other hand, I want so much for the previa not to be an issue for many reasons. My diabetes test is also that day, so I'm really praying I don't get socked with multiple whammies.
  • Work: after next week's appointment, I'm really going to have to buckle down and figure out what I am going to do. It's really starting to weigh on me when my boss and coworker are planning for me to be a major part of an event in late March...ummm, hello. I know I need to be very careful about my decision and plans, especially with the economy and having the blessing of a job at all right now. But I also don't want to make the wrong decisions based on financial fear.
  • And a few things the pregnancy books don't tell you: how to properly get out of bed. I have the hardest time at night during my hourly bathroom visits--I've laughed at myself a few times. And why can't the books diagnosis every cramp/twinge I have? All it makes me think is: pre-term labor-gasp! And lastly, please tell me why my bra straps keep falling off--I have not had to increase in cup size yet, but have gotten those bra extender thingys--but even with those, I am constantly tugging up my straps all day long. It seriously might drive me insane.
  • If one more person tells me: "Oh, you shouldn't be cold this time of year--you're pregnant!" I will burst. Well I AM COLD! I have such a hard time getting warm (partly due to my low blood pressure) and I'm miserable when I'm so cold. Those nightly showers and milkshakes are becoming a must, not an option (ok, I promise I dont have a milkshake every night) Please pardon the whining...just don't mess with me when I'm cold!
Hmm, I sound kinda sassy in this post--must be because I'm cold=) I'll check in after next week's appointment--I continue to think MOVING thoughts for the previa!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Red Balloons

Do you know how many?

99.

Is that song stuck in your head now? When I sing it, it goes a little something like this...."99 red balloons, la de da de dah de daaaa"

Regardless, it gets stuck on a loop in my head. At least it makes me sorta bounce my head and tap my feet while it's looping!

And that's how many days are listed on my ticker today: 99 days left. Double digits. Another lovely milestone that I have looked forward to. I just might have to get a red balloon on the way home...

Thank you for all your feedback on my neighborly post...I do realize that it's very likely that our children will be playmates in the years to come, so I hope we can get to a point of friendly understanding. Whether I will ever share our journey with her, remains to be determined--I will just have to wait and see.

Let's see, what else...here are some other happenings/updates from the "Jeans" household:
  • We are all decorated for Christmas: the earliest we have ever done it, but it was so nice to get it done. Last weekend Mook got everything down and I put our our village pieces out and put on some holiday tunes. Nat King Cole's version of "A Cradle in Bethlehem" came on, and the tears just started flowing-I just stood there thinking about how grateful I am.
  • We started our child-care classes last Tuesday, so our 2nd one is tonight. Since I registered at the last minute, we didn't get the letter telling us we needed to bring pillows. Oops. That made for a less than comfortable first experience with the labor breathing exercises on the floor: but Mook and I giggled the whole time-we learned our lesson, and the pillows are now permanently in my trunk for the remainder of class.
  • The Uterus of Gryffindor status: he's a busy little boy. I'm starting to notice when he likes to snooze--mid morning and mid afternoon, just like his momma. Still feeling new twinges, pulls all the time-trying to remember it's all a part of this process! I am finally feeling comfortable enough (in more ways than one) to take more pictures. You can see how I'm looking these days here, or click on the Gryffindor logo on the left side bar at anytime.
  • Slowly getting registry things done: I just don't do well with multiple options, so I am taking my time making sure I'm not just scanning or clicking away. Thank goodness for online registry!
  • I'm anxiously awaiting the 9th when I go in for the GD test and to check on the previa. I feel like I am carrying Ron so low, and worry that the placenta has not moved-since I feel like he's partial to be right above my pelvic bone. Doing my best to be at ease with whatever the outcome is.
  • Looking forward to being with family this week/weekend. I haven't seen some of them at all since we announced Ron's presence-I can't wait to reminisce and eat some good home-cookin'! BUT, my snarky/witty friend knows that some of these family members will want to be a bit much, so she got me these, which I just love!
And lastly, I am so thankful for this community and for all the wonderful things we do for each other. I've been moved to tears many times this week by things I've read! I hope each one of you have a blessed week and consider yourself holiday-hugged by yours truly!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Across the Street

It happened by coincidence--I was walking to the mailbox, and she was bringing up her trash can.

She yelled over to make sure we hadn't had any damage from the freak-November storm from the night before; said they lost their TV and had some branches in the yard that needed to be removed. I said luckily we had turned off our electronics in time, and that we had picked up the debris in the back yard. She said she hoped I didn't lift too much since I needed to be careful-no need to put pressure on "that belly"

I casually laughed and found it the appropriate time to offer my congratulations on the arrival of their adopted son, now 3 months old. For some reason, I had this sudden need to know he was real-so I asked, "Is it OK if I come meet your little guy?"

As I started across the street, I caught myself almost stopping a few times. I felt the pang of hurt come rushing back at me in small waves--however, not the tsunami type waves I used to feel.

I'll hit the pause button here (picture me mid-track across the street) to tell you why I hurt. Mook and I moved into our house exactly 4 years ago this month--and the first people to greet us were these neighbor's across the street. She: extremely outgoing and bubbly. He: southern guy who loves his sports and let's her do the talking. I didn't expect that we would be best friends, but it was nice to have people around our age that could introduce us to the area, join us for meals, and attend functions with. She even started helping me look for a job-and I was due to meet with a good friend of her's (who she repeatedly told me she never had anyone meet with, because her friend's time was so precious....oooook) but the weekend before, I had a seizure-out of town, too-, and was in the hospital for 3 days. I was so worried about this stupid job meeting, that I called her from the hospital to explain: that I was in the hospital, we were 3 hours away, and I wasn't sure when I'd be able to reschedule. I then handed the phone to Mook who went into further detail, and he kindly asked if they could take in our mail and just keep an eye on the house for us.

I didn't return home for another week, and when I did get home, I could tell Mook wasn't telling me something. When I finally got it out of him (he didnt want to upset me) he told me the mail had never been collected, and there had been 3-4 nasty messages on our machine from this woman who I was supposed to meet with.

I still to this day don't know exactly what happened: if she thought I lied to her about being sick, or if she just got bored of us being the new kids on the block, but for whatever reason--she dropped us like trash. Didn't call, never spoke to us when we passed on the street, and looked annoyed whenever we made the attempt to speak to her. It really upset me--more than it probably should have, but having to deal with all of that after being so sick, with no job prospects, and even fewer friends nearby, it just made me so bitter. So honestly, 3 1/2 years have gone by with no effort on their part to be even slightly neighborly.

So needless to say, when Mook and I drove home one day a few months ago and saw blue balloons and a "Welcome Baby Boy" sign on their mailbox, we were quite curious. Of course I wouldn't know if she had been pregnant, because they come and go through their garage, so I never saw her. But our question was answered a few days later when Mook was outside, and they come walking by with this newborn, and strike up a light conversation with Mook--he said he looked behind him when they started talking to make sure they really were talking to him!

Their little boy had been adopted right at birth, and he was 5 weeks at the time--they were so in love, and just doing so great, and we should stop over sometime--they also offered congratulations to Mook about our news (no idea how they found out). And that was that.

Un-pause. So as Im walking in the house, she just goes on and on about how fast time has already gone, and how much they love having him. And as she handed him over to me to hold, she said: "I keep telling the adoption agency not to refer anyone to us to talk about adoption, because our story was too good to be true--we only waited 8 months! BUT, tell anyone with infertility to come and talk to me, and I can give them a thorough lesson."

It's like time stood still in that moment. I looked down at her son, felt my son kick me, and wondered if she thought I was just another "lucky one." But also in that moment, I chose not to tell her about our 2 1/2 year struggle, because I felt like she didn't deserve to bond with me that way.

OK, I may have lost some of you on that last sentence: how could I not want to bond with someone right across the street from me about the crap that is IF!? But I hope more of you understand why I didn't. Maybe I should have let all the bitterness go of the past few years, but I almost felt robbed again by her, because maybe we could have gone through the IF struggle together, but because she shut off our budding friendship, I'll never know.

It's been hard for me to stop thinking about our run-in. Should I have at least said, "Oh I am sorry you all struggled, would you like to talk about it?" But then, would it have been hard for me to keep my own story to myself? I walked out of her house, and just shook my head--disappointed for the connection that could have been made.

Have any of you all gone through something like this? I am always speechless when I try to explain the meaningful connections I have made through being able to talk about infertility through blogging, and in the real world. This is the first time I've been confronted with another "comrade" in infertility, and chose to back out of the discussion-and it stings in so many ways.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Heart Happy

Thanks for all your thoughts today-

I was really pleased with the cardiologist--he knows a lot about the link between heart issues and pregnancy, and was able to give me enough information to feel at ease about what is going on with my ticker.

I have what is called PVC, or premature ventricular contraction. Not serious, though--just the medical term for why my heart is skipping beats. He estimates my heart has grown about 30% and is definitely pumping lots more blood through my system. All my pulse points checked out OK, and my blood pressure is still good. No need to wear a monitor right now--just have to pay close attention to the frequency, and if my heart rate actually starts to accelerate and stay accelerated for a period of time.

He said with the combination of the PVC and if my previa persists, Im most likely looking at bed rest again in the near future--so now Im doing my best not to stress about getting too much done in the next 4-5 weeks (when I get checked for the previa again).

Speaking of previa, I made the mistake of posting on a board today, asking if anyone had complete previa and then had it move, and all the responses were so morose: "ooo plan to bleed and be on bed rest with a c-section in your future." Not doing THAT again....sheesh.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

And breathe...

Well, what a week. It merits using color throughout this post.

-Sick dog
-Still sick dog who continues to do crap that will make her sick
-Another visit to the ER (for me, not dog)

And good things too!

-nursery colors have been chosen
-Ron has perfected the "bounce the remote of my tum" trick
-lovely meeting and spending time with Rachie from Infertile Turtle!

Soooo: Sick Dog.
Last Saturday, while getting ready for a Halloween party, Mook yelled from the shower: "Where's the soap?!" We were in the process of having our master shower redone, so we had been using the guest bathroom for about 3 weeks-this shower is just the full bath with the pull back curtain; our master shower is the glass door kind. These details are important, because it explains the crime. So in response to Mook's cry for soap, I yelled back "It HAS to be in there, because I just replaced it." Well it wasn't. Our first thought was that our neighbor's throwing the party were playing a practical joke. Umm, yeaaa that was amusing: playfully accusing our neighbor's of stealing soap. I'm pretty sure they think we're a bit nuts now! :0)

Oh well, we just had a ghost in the house...ooo spooky Halloween. So Sunday came and went without incident. Monday came and went without incident. Then Tuesday...Mook got home to find puddles of vomit...with suds in it. We found our ghost. She had been able to climb into the shower and grab it off the shelf.

ER vet told us to monitor her overnight, and we took her to our vet first thing Wednesday--she had definitely eaten the soap, and was quite sick because of it. They kept her overnight and thankfully nursed her back to health.

Why she is doing this now when she is almost 4? Well...our theory matches the vet's: she is craving more attention, and because I've been keeping that exact brand of soap in bed with me for my leg cramps, she is associating that smell with me. Hopefully she has lost her interest in soap after all this...

Howevvverrr: Still sick dog who continues to do crap that will make her sick.
She's been eating the trash. Going room to room, and pulling it all out and ripping it to shreds...she's never done this in the past. Again, the vet thinks it's smell association. She's hacking and not helping herself get better...I don't need another large vet bill. Could be back the crate for her during the day if she doesn't change her behavior.

Another visit to the ER (for me, not dog)
Saturday we had a nice day planned: some errands, breakfast at our favorite diner, meeting up with friends...Thank goodness we got all of that in before we made a trip to the ER. After having lunch with our friends, I went to the restroom to find that I had gushed fluid. Not comforting. Also, my heart had been acting funny since Thursday--skipping beats, making me catch my breath. So in combination with the gush of fluid and my heart, I made the decision to head off to the hospital.

Our on call service sucks. I have put in a formal complaint-they didn't call me back until Sunday. So I made sure to make that quite clear when I got to the ER to check in. Thank goodness, they got me back pretty quick--got me hooked up to the monitor and the doctor on call happened to be right near by. The monitor sung with Ron's heartbeat, and soon it had to be turned down because he making so much noise kicking the monitor in protest. Way to go, son!

Fluid: ended up just me being "juicy" Uh huh, the on call OB was very witty--she kept telling us, "The penis keeps me in business." Had to laugh at that one. But really, this whole juicy business freaks me out--and it's just something I'm going to have to deal with.

My heart: they did an EKG, took some blood to see if my thyroid is out of whack--of course I didn't have any palpitations while hooked up, but they have continued and it makes me catch my breath. I had a regular OB checkup today, and thank goodness he was able to get me into see a cardiologist tomorrow. I realize that my heart is pumping more blood, so hopefully that's all it is. But it's frequent enough to make it a concern--the OB agreed. I'm also having circulation issues in my legs, so Im anxious for tomorrow.

Next appt won't be for 4 weeks, and it's a biggie: glucose test and u/s to check on previa (please pray that it moves).

Nursery colors have been chosen.
YAY. Thought it was going to take us a lot longer, and be a lot harder-but we've already put a test swatch up for the 2 we chose, and it's a go! Will share photos when the room is a bit more complete.

The remote trick.
I can't wait to catch it on video--I'm planning to keep my phone with me the next few nights when I go to bed--this seems to be the prime action time. I never get tired of that feeling. So grateful that I will be 24 weeks tomorrow...

Lovely time meeting and spending time with Rachie from Infertile Turtle!
She was in my tiny little town visiting her brother--small world! So we were able to meet last night for about 2 hours--we got kicked out of Panera! Talk about a lovely person--I wish we had more time to chat and just hang out-hopefully we'll be able to visit again soon. She's gearing up for her first IVF, please stop by and wish her well!

Oops, got a little winded. Thanks for reading all the way through...I'll be sure to post an update on my cardio appointment and as always, prayers and good thoughts are always appreciated.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Info Does A Body Good

And info is what I shall provide.

I will need some info as well, so keep your peepers peeled:
  • I have yet to master the milkshake in the shower--planning on giving it a whirl later this week or weekend.
  • Mook and I spent 3 hours in BRU/Target this past Saturday: definitely had some teary moments, but I'm glad we got started on planning for Ron. At one point, I sat down in one of the gliders and said a prayer of thanks, and also said a prayer for all of you on your different journey's. As much as infertility has hurt us, it has kept our minds and hearts focused on the gift we have been given--made this process of registering much sweeter.
  • We have our crib. It was the last one in stock at the store, so we definitely lucked out--and it's also set up and sitting beautifully in the nursery. Talk about special...Mook was so joyful putting it together-no grumbles or cursing at all! I documented the whole process...
  • We registered for some other big things: travel system and mattress. But the rest we left for another time--I still have some thinking/researching to do.
  • Here's where I need info from you: any suggestions/ideas of where to look for bedding for a boy? I'm not looking for a fancy theme--really looking for basic colors, with some design in there. Just no trains, planes or automobiles--we'll save that for when he's older. Thanks in advance!
  • This past Thursday, I laid down for the night and Ron was not ready for bed. So I told Mook to try again to feel him (we've done this a few times now, and Mook leaves frustrated not being able to feel) Well, Ron did not disappoint. I will never forget the look on Mook's face when he felt the movement--it almost scared him! He kept jerking his hand back at the shock of it. I love that he can feel him now, too.
Other tidbits of note: I am sorry to my bloggy friends--bloglines ate my new-updates over the weekend, so I am behind on reading. And as I read to catch up, it warmed my heart to see that Janna loves me :0) I love ya back! I love so many of you...but today I want to send this to two bloggers: Astral, because it's her birthday, and to No Swimmers-please go give her loads of hugs today.

  • Voting: I did it. I am grateful for the opportunity to vote, and I pray for the future of this country, no matter what the outcome is. Not to mention, I'm so ready for this election to be over. I dream about the candidates because of all the political ads I see before falling asleep.
And last (but certianly not least) as the holiday's approach, it reminds me of the incredible generosity the blogging community extended to us this time last year when I was selling my Christmas CD through Shop Mom and Pop to help fund our FET. As a reminder, this CD is a professional recording of eight holiday songs (original arangements) by yours truly--guest appearance on one of the tracks by Mook! I am opening my "shop" again, and all proceeds from the purchase of the CD will go to the U.T.E.R.U.S. project.

How to order: The cost of the CD is $16. I will be able to accept paypal payments (credit cards may be used through paypal) and checks. Shipping is $2 to US and $4 for international. Please be sure to list an e-mail address or include one in the comment section/e-mail to me if you do not have an e-mail link associated with your blog. This is how I will get the paypal information to you! (You can simply e-mail me if you don't wish to leave a comment here--I welcome both!)

So there is loads of info you today. Re-read at your lesiure. :0)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Milkshakes and Hot Showers, Oh My!

Those two things stay on my mind pretty consistently right now. A cookies-n-cream milkshake, to be exact. And the hot showers? That's the first thing I do when I get home--it takes away the stress of the day, and the eases my achin' back. If I could have a milkshake in the shower, I would so do it...

Thanks for all the lovely anniversary wishes! We had a very nice time at the B&B-nice to get away and have a change of scenery. We didn't have much planned, just wanted to enjoy a few days work-free: no phones, no computer=bliss. The one thing we did plan on doing was meeting up with Ms A from A Somewhat Ordinary Life. We saw each other this time last year: she was pregnant with M, and Mook and I were still deciding what steps to take next, so this year's meeting was different in all the best ways. Her son is adorable and it made me all teary after our lunch together to think about the roads we have both traveled. So thankful to have such great blogger friends!

Had my 22-week check up today, and it was uneventful. That's music to my ears. I still go back every 2 weeks at this point, and the next big milestones are my gestational diabetes test in 4 weeks, and then the next u/s will be at 28 weeks to check on the previa-keep sending me those MOVE IT vibes!

Today, I did have some questions I wanted to ask, like:

What can I do when I sleep on my side and all my limbs fall asleep? OB said just to put pillows everywhere--which Im already doing--I get nervous when I wake up on my back, but I'm doing what I can to keep switching throughout the night.

Can I take Tylenol PM for my back and cramped legs? I wouldn't trade these aches and pains for the world, but I started to get worried how much my back is already hurting--like a lot. I got one of those back brace thingy's and it helps some, but I may just be in for a heating pad each evening. The leg cramps: I have found a non-medical cure! My MIL told me to do this about 3 weeks ago, and ever since, my legs have not hurt as much: put a bar of soap (any brand) in bed with you--I put mine at the foot of the bed. Who knows why it works...maybe it's all mental, but it works. But yes, I can take Tylenol PM-this will help with that persistent runny nose as well...

Am I measuring on time? When I get up in the morning, my tum looks way different-sometimes too different for my liking. So I was reassured today when he told me I am actually measuring closer to 23 weeks.

The reunion this past weekend was really nice-a pretty small group came, but it was nice that I got to speak to everyone who was there. It was very heart warming to hear all the genuine good wishes being passed our way.

We have vowed to really start working on the room this weekend--after we give out $100 worth of Halloween candy Friday night...

Edited to add: Yes, I do have the lovely Snoogle--I think I just may need 2 to keep me cushioned in on all sides!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

In the clouds


I'm always looking for shapes/signs/signals...I honestly think it all started when I first noticed shapes in the clouds, like the one above. I don't know about you, but I see something very specific when I look at that picture.

That picture was taken ten minutes before I started bleeding from my hematoma.

My entire family was standing on the mini golf course, and we all stopped and looked at this amazing image of a man who appeared to be praying (even with a little halo above his head). It was quite a moment--all of us there in silence, looking at this beautifully shaped cloud. And it only lasted for seconds, and then they were just clouds...

I had forgotten all about this picture and that moment. When my family was visiting a few weeks ago, my sister pulled out the picture and we all were able to re-live that moment again, and it made me tear up instantly...a reminder that God is with me in every moment. I falter a lot in remembering to rely on faith during this journey, so this picture is now with me every where I go.

I just wanted to share that with you all as we approach Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. To each of you who have lost, I hope you find comfort in knowing a prayer is being said for you and your lost loved ones.

It's also a day of celebration for me tomorrow. Three years of marriage to my best friend...and I'm so incredibly grateful to be looking back on memories-the good and the bad-with the one who's been with me through the worst and best times of my life. It's also going to be a different trip this year, since we will not be traveling with Coco. Remember my buddy Coco?

So I'm off for a few blissful days of relaxing and reminiscing. Wonder what cloud shapes I'll see?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Breakin' it Doooown

Oh boy, we're having a boy!

It's been a pretty special week referring to this child as a he. I have to admit that even though I picked Ron as the survivor at the beginning, I had pink visions for a while...but then something just switched and I had that "feeling" that Ron was definitely a boy. Mook has been right from the beginning! These little treats are sitting on my desk at work-we gave these out when we came back from the appointment.

I'm gonna break it doooown for you today, since I'm feeling funkaay wearing my new glasses.

More thoughts/notes from the BIG appointment:
-Little man was weighing about 8 oz, and was 6 1/2 inches long.
-He was a wiggle worm: this helped me to remember that although I can't feel him all the time, he's still groovin'. He kicked my bladder quite a few times-explains a lot :0)
-It was entertaining to watch Mook...he'd sit next to me, then stand up, then pace, then sit back down. So anxious!
-Our u/s tech (the good one) took her time looking at all the appropriate parts-amazing to see the 4 chambers of the heart up close like that. Then after she got everything she needed she said..."Daddy, can you tell what you are having?" I could tell right away, but it took Mook a minute--thankfully little Ron helped dad out, and spread his legs. Both our smiles were a mile wide!
-I did get my flu shot: I had't really given it too much thought yet, since I wasn't prepared to get it that day, but I'm glad I did.
-My OB said that Ron is right on target-due date is still March 4th. Said once we reach 28 weeks, we'll have to start talking about the previa if it's still there (please God, mooooove!)
-I got lectured. I had lost 3 lbs. Not intentionally of course: I just get to a point while eating, and I can't force anymore down. So I'm trying to eat smaller, and more often. So I gotta gain weight-I loved hearing that.

Happenings for the Uterus of Gryffindor & the Headmaster:
-I'm not sure if it's b/c of the previa, but I feel like I'm carrying low. I do have a bump, but it's still easily hidden by the right clothes.
-Ron's movement patterns are still very sporadic-Monday I felt him all day. Tuesday, hardly at all. Last night he was active after dinner, and he's been poking me a bit this morning.
-At night, I pee every hour on the hour-talk about consistent.
-My legs hurt so bad at night: not like a cramp, but as if I have run a marathon. Stretches before bed and water seem to cut down on the aches.
-Heartburn started about 3 days ago: I hardly ever have HB, so it's been strange. Mook has read the wives tale that means Ron will have hair at birth-he is very concerned that Ron has hair! Mook currently shaves his head, so I think it'd be cute to have a mini-me :0)

Planning for Ron:
-No, Ron will not be his real name. I love it for his nickname (and he has others already!) but we won't be naming him Ronald Weasley.
-We have names we agree on, and will start pairing together first, middle and last. We will not be sharing the name until after he's here--we may actually wait and name him when he's born. It's amazing the negative reactions Im already getting on not sharing names. And it's for that reason we aren't--I dont want a lot of assvice/opinions on what we name our child.
-I still have only bought the bib. I'll get there...I just need to ease into it. Mook has bought quite a few clothing items--one is a mini cardigan that matches one Mook has--he is thrilled about this. It really is cute!
-Most likely, we will be pairing lots of different things together for the nursery, b/c what we have in mind is not in a catalog anywhere. As plans come together, I'll definitely share.
-Nothing has been ordered, or even picked out as far as crib, nursery accessories yet. Am I just way behind the curve?
-We had a yard sale last weekend, and that means "the room" is less cluttered and we can actually start to make something out of it.

What else:
-I had my work review last week, and let's just say I may have an extended maternity leave. We have some big decisions to make.
-Our anniversary is next week, and we are escaping to a B&B for 4 days--ahh, I cannot wait.
-I'm craving a milkshake today, so I shall go get one.
-Thanks to everyone for being excited for us--we are grateful for every single day.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

51 of you...

...had a good shot of getting it right, and it was a good guess too!

Little "Ron" is measuring right on time (even a few days ahead) with all the proper parts and structures. A true sight to behold, and we are so incredibly grateful.

And now we no longer have to guess if "Ron" is in fact a "Ron" because....





















Ron is definitely a BABY BOY!!!!

We are over the moon and so in love with this little boy already. He has my nose and feet (big!) and Mook's cute little head and lips.

This is love. Pure and so powerful.

Have a gander at Ron's lovely glamor shots from today. Look on the right side column, and click on Ron's picture. Scroll to the bottom for most recent pictures!

Thank you for all your thoughts and support today!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hide the Mouse

Everyone is probably very aware at this point of the financial crisis going on in the US, and naturally that has caused a lot of us to panic. When I panic, I search out info--as much as I can get, as often as I can get it.

While I am concerned about the financial situation, my specific panic has been...well, just stuff.

Who knows where it comes from, or why some days are better than others. But as we approach our Level II ultra sound on Thursday, I have found myself clicking away with my mouse searching for articles that relate to all of the following: complete placenta previa (which I currently still have), heart murmurs, and increased vaginal discharge.

  • In regards to the placenta previa search: this is a "justified" search in my mind, since I have it. Some of the stories/medical facts are absolutely terrifying. And I cant seem to stop reading once I start. It really wraps around my mind, and it's a bit paralyzing. Seeing more in regards to risks/concerns other than resolving and no concerns has me reeling...
  • I don't know why I keep typing in heart murmur into the search bar. It just scares me, and so therefore I seek out the information to help me understand it more.
  • Increased vag discharge: this I do have. I actually called the nurse today to hear it come out of her mouth that it is normal--I just hate feeling what I call a small gush, since I've been down the road of spotting/bleeding, and I freeze every time I feel it.

I must come across as a bit neurotic and definitely a worry wort. I think going through the experience of bed rest and the hemorrhage so early on has made me so cautious and it all comes back to what I can and can't control. And this whole experience is out of my control.

Mook and I are definitely so excited about Thursday, but also nervous. It's so cliche, but all I want is a healthy child--boy or girl. Have you entered your guess yet?

Bottom line, I just need to stay away from Dr. Google and give my mouse a rest, right? I need to trust that my OB continues to give me the information I need and let it go.

Thanks for listening and understanding my need to click...or should I say need to be click-less.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Seventeen

This past week, I have caught myself singing: "I am 16 goiiing on 17, I know that I'm naive..."

Ahh, weren't those the days: I was definitely naive at 16, 17, 18...well, you get my point. It's appropriate to have been singing this song not only for little Ron's progress, but for remembering life when I was 16 and 17.

My ten year high school reunion is coming up. Ten years ago, I could have guaranteed you that I would not be having a reunion. My class was, umm, less than motivated. Most senior classes plan a trip or do something to commemorate the big send off, right? Picture ours as a mild version of Valley High...the cliques could be vicious, and that unfortunately cut down on the bonding between all classmates. When asked, I honestly respond that I was never part of a specific group. Sure, I had/have my close friends that I still keep in touch with, but I also was a part of the drama club, track team, and my favorite class senior year was Accounting 101. I was the only (and I am quoting here) "Cool-ass-white-girl" in my class. They still like to remind me of that!

So when I found out a few months ago, that some of my friends were making an effort to get this reunion together, I had mixed emotions. I'll just come out and say it: I either wanted to be one skinny bitch....or pregnant. How many of you are nodding your head? Knowing that if I wasn't skinny, I'd be comparing myself to every other girl there, and if I wasn't pregnant, I couldn't deal with everyone asking us "So, when are you going to have kids?" with that shit-eating grin plastered on their face.

We've decided we are going to the reunion. Fall in my hometown is so beautiful--and I haven't been home since...umm...yea, it's been a long time. I'm also looking forward to sharing those high school memories with Mook-he's met enough of my HS friends, that he won't feel left out of conversations. And what a trooper for agreeing to go with me!

Would I be a skinny bitch by now? Umm, hell no. And now that I am providing Ron a place to grow, do I feel more comfortable going? I'd be lying if I didn't say yes. BUT I have no intention of wearing a belly hugging dress/shirt to make it obvious, and I won't be the person asking the other couples "So, when are you going to have kids"

Have you all gone to your reunions--how did you feel about going, and what are your conditions if you do go?


So with Ron's 17th week, I crossed a milestone. I bought something. I have been given things, but I have not yet purchased anything. Until yesterday. And I'm in love with it. In love with a bib. I just happened to go to Etsy, and it was there...just staring at me. My little bluebird...

Mook and I are trying to plan a little get-away for our upcoming anniversary...he keeps reminding me it could be our last trip child-free. Hmm...what a concept.

Other than that, we are counting down the days until the anatomy scan! I have really enjoyed noticing Ron's presence with the flutters--some are very pronounced. I worry each morning when I get up and my belly has flattened back out since I still don't "look" the part unless I wear a shirt that covers me in just the right way. But as long as he/she's in there cookin', I'm ok with the shape of my body parts.

Hope you all are enjoying the fall weather as much as I am. While the summer blessed us (and scared the bejeezus out of me) I'm glad to welcome a new season...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Caps for Sale

Well, that's false advertisement--but it is one of my favorite books from childhood and it makes me happy, just like this post will make me happy.

I have some left over meds/needles that will expire in November and December, so I would love to send them to someone(s). I have been so blessed to receive left over meds from other bloggers and would love to "Pay it Forward"

I'll list the general info here on what I have, but please leave a comment or e-mail me directly (reprojeans@gmail.com) if I can send them to you or answer any questions.

  • Repronex 75 IU
  • Menopur 75 IU
  • Bravelle 75 IU
  • Vivelle dot 0.1
  • Assortment of needles

Thursday, September 18, 2008

It Still Stings

Let me get on my soapbox first thing:

To the Today Show: while I appreciate your effort in talking about infertility, your look into male factor was, at best, skimming the surface. This is, of course, just my opinion from where we personally stand in the male factor scheme of things...

I had seen Mel's announcement on L&F that Matt and crew would be talking about infertility all week, and it just so happened that yesterday, Mook and I were at home together in the early morning and turned on the news before getting out of bed. Just in time...the segment was just starting, and it was clear they would be talking about male factor.

It's amazing how quickly the mood shifted in that moment--I reached over for Mook's hand, and we watched the first 2 couple's they highlighted--one diagnosed with azoospermia, and one that had frozen his sperm due to cancer earlier in life. I was glad they highlighted the fact that it took one of the couple's more than just one try to conceive their little girl...it helps to hear that every now and then. Also, I am in no way downplaying either cases highlighted above: it's just hard for me, and especially Mook, when we don't see or hear medical experts and news programs talking about those (like Mook) who have had little to no answer (other than pure speculations: botched hernia surgery) as to why he has a certain count, motility and morphology. This aspect has always been very difficult for him.

Mook got up about half way through the last interview--we both could tell it wasn't going to highlight "someone like him"...I decided not to pry-I've learned when to just let it go. So again, while I am glad they took the time to report that male factor is now the cause of 50% of infertility cases, I look forward to the day that they are really looking at men's cases as much as women--I know this would have helped Mook identify with other men going through the same thing-isolation has been one of the toughest things for him.

-end of soapbox-

In other news: went in for my AFP testing yesterday--should have those results next week. As always, Ill be praying and holding my breath until then. No peek at Ron yesterday, but was able to talk with the OB--he showed me where the top of my uterus is now-right below my belly button-which helped convince me that the growth is where it needs to be. Heart rate is sticking around 143-145...do I dare to believe the old wives tale and think we have a true Ron, and not a Roni? We'll know for sure in 14 days...

I'm still getting those "what the heck is that" sort of pull/pinch, but was reassured yesterday that it's all the growth. Don't think I'll ever truly take that in! And I'm taking the one "advantage" of my previa (since the placenta is so low that he/she does not have to kick through it) to be that I have definitely felt Ron's fluttering...sort of like water rippling. It's not constant, but makes me jump when I feel it! Still battling the nose issues, and occasional stomach irritations-but energy is good during the day, and zilch by 6pm.

One thing I've had a really hard time admitting we need to do is: look into daycare. Truly, Mook has had to sit me down and have a chat, because I can't even bring myself to spend much time in the will-be-nursery yet...but I'm getting there. The whole thing is so foreign to me, and it's almost like playing house. I'm convinced the person on the other end of the line is smirking and thinking "what the hell is this woman doing looking for daycare for a child that's not even born yet."

One small step at a time, right?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

15 Weeks

Thank you, Merci, Muchas Gracias! You ladies are the best on-call doctors out there. To know that I could come to my blog, post a very important and pressing question (because Im a worry-wort) and then get answers almost immediately, makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. Truly, thank you.

So the update on the s-o-s. Come to find out....they never sent off my urine sample. Was it a busy day at the office? Did a nurse flake out? Who knows...but I'm just glad they gave me medicine regardless. When I talked to the nurse that day, she along with my doctor were pretty convinced it was a UTI or those bladder spasms caused by some sort of infection. I trusted their judgment, and took the medicine as soon as I got home. And lo-and-behold, it worked--it's just still strange to me, since I have had quite a few UTI's in my time, and none have ever felt like this. I am still getting the sharp pains every once in a while--but not in the frequency I was having them. At my appointment on Monday, they told me that they would still send off the sample (which to me is a bit gross--can pee be tested more than a week later?) and would call me if the results came back any different. I was fine with that--but expressed my concern about the pain coming back. I still have a few days left with my antibiotic, so I'll just have to see how things go once that is gone.

In other news, I'm 15 weeks today! Each Wednesday morning, I do a little hip-hip-hooray cheer and say a pray of thanks...each milestone is worth celebrating, even in the smallest of ways. I went back to the doctor this past Monday-given the fact that the hematoma was present again last week, he said to keep me from stressing, he'd have me come in for a heartbeat check and cervix check. (both of which were good. HB was about 146, and cervix long and closed). Of course I wiggled my way into getting another ultrasound--I think they felt bad about the urine sample, so they had me come back later that afternoon. And it was worth it.

I got the better of the 2 u/s techs they have--I really honestly cant stand one of them. So I was thrilled when I saw the other one grab my chart and call me back-she spends so much time, and explains everything as she does it. She did both trans-vaginal and abdominal to make sure she got all angles. Still complete previa, but the placenta is "nice and thick"--and she took the time to measure my vaginal canal too, and check for any "spots" that might cause the pain--come to find out I have a short vagina :0) So I could just be feeling a lot of what is going on right at my cervix. And I need to say this quietly, so I dont jinx it again...but the hematoma was completely gone. She took other measurements, and gave me a really nice shot of Ron--if you would like to see, they are in the Glamor Shots. We also made our anatomy u/s appointment: October 2nd!

The next little bit is simply for my reference and to give a list of things for anyone else who may be feeling/going through similar things, feel free to skip...


~~~~~~~~~~~~

How I'm feeling/what my body is doing to me:

Nose issues: pretty much since 6 weeks, and it shows no sign of letting up
Dry skin: it looks like I never put lotion on
Ready to call it quits by 4pm: not necessarily sleepy, but my body just doesn't have the ummpf to do much of anything
Still the occasional toilet worshiping-if I eat too late, or something too sweet, it all comes back up
My boobs still haven't changed-I feel the occasional twinge, but no swelling or darkening. The girls are just chillin', which is fine with me--Im already a DD, so I'm hoping things will just stay status quo.
My bladder: along with those spasms, Im just having issues with the pee-production. I guess it really is all the shifting and moving around down there. I try my darnedest to drink all day long--but even then, I'll only pee once or twice during the day. Then I'm up peeing 4-5 times at night!
Twinges/Cramps/RLP: definitely have felt the round ligament pain in both sides now, and can distinguish what it is. I'll get these strange twinges/pulling if I take deep breaths or shift while sitting-right near my pubic bone-those sort of freak me out. And I'll get a very dull like AF cramp, but its fleeting-but its mostly if I've been in one position to long.
My belly button: I know this sounds silly, but it's exciting for me. It's changing! I can tell and see that it's stretching out-and this makes me more aware that I'm getting a bit of a belly, and it's not just flab.
Weight: Until Monday, I had actually lost 12 pounds...sort of concerning to me, but the doctor was reassuring me it was OK given all that I was going through: the bed rest, nausea, etc. But I have gained back 3, and hopefully will stay at a healthy gain for the remainder.
Absent-Minded Professor: never believed the whole "pregnancy brain" but it's either that, or I'm randomly loosing brain cells.

~~~~~~~~~~~~


Im very excited to be getting back to reading blogs--slowly but surely I am catching up! It's been like sitting down with a good book--sad, good, bad, and all in between--Im enjoying re-connecting--and I'm making my way to new blogs as well!

As a total side note, Im still trying to get a support group together in my area--Ive been working with a counselor through one of our hospital systems--we hope to get at least a few meetings in before the holidays. I will most likely step out as I start to "show" because I know all too well what that feels like, but I have wanted this group to happen for so long, that I hope I can at least be a part of it at the beginning. So again, if anyone in the NC area is reading...be sure to get in touch!

So I'm settling in a little more each day with how things are progressing--I did have a total meltdown last week about everything--Mook didnt know quite what to do with me with all the crocodile tears and shuddering. Not whining or playing the sympathy card here, but it has been so hard to go a whole day of this pregnancy without some type of fear. I've looked forward to this phase of my life for so long, that I want to be thankful and joyful-so each day I'm doing my best to push fear out of the limelight...

Thursday, September 4, 2008

s-o-s

Real post coming soon...

In the meantime, I once again come to you asking for assistance. Cause right now, I'm saying this a lot:



This may border on TMI, but it's necessary to explain my OUCH issue....

I am having shooting pain, pinching feelings in the vaginal wall area--even creeping into the labia area. It's very low, not AF type cramps, but very much so in my vaginal area. I did go to my doctor on Tuesday: he checked my cervix (long and closed) and took a urine sample--which came back "ugly" so they have sent it off for further results--which are not back yet. He saw no issues in the exam, and even took a peek with an ultrasound. No areas of concern--but I do have to say that I may have jinxed Voldy--it's grown again. FRICK! It now resembles a hot dog (it's because Im eating those hot dogs--ahhh!)--its still measuring .9 in one way, but in the other direction it's stretched long. Could be because of Ron growing and putting pressure on it--and it's also right next to the placenta--which still covers my cervix. Not a whole lot I can do....

Anyway...so I left Tuesday at least reassured that everything was OK--but now the pain more frequent--to the point it's waking me up at night, and is sooo painful. So I called back this morning--even though they dont have my urine culture back, the doc thinks it could be bladder related, causing me to have "bladder spasms" Now of course I can't get my prescription until tonight when I head home (since Im back at work today!) so I have to wait a bit longer. Im hooooping it is bladder related--but I don't have the typical UTI symptoms--I can pee fine, no pain, none of that.

I'm trying not to worry about it affecting Ron--but it's just plain painful and annoying--can't find a comfortable position at all. Again, not constant, but when it starts its a pulsing feeling and when I picture it visually, it's like taking a gong to a drum--that type of vibrating pain. Am I making sense? Just to clarify too, it's not in the area that the "typical" round ligament pain would happen--I got the doc to point out where that would occur. But could it still be stretching, blood flow, pressure?

Any help at all or suggestions appreciated.
Edited to add: MrsSpock gave it a perfect description: it feels like knives!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Lucky 13


A little blue, a little pink--just to cover both case scenarios. And no, this is not the cake that we ate yesterday-- but ours was yummy too. I enjoyed every single bite of (both) pieces that I consumed--one for me, one for Ron.

So here I am at my goal. Don't be fooled--I've already set more of the g-word, but this one was truly a milestone, and one that is being treasured. I woke up feeling so thankful, and had a nice long chat with God. Have any of you seen the new show The Cleaner? While I am not a former drug addict on a mission, I do find myself just talking with God--while it's not the formal type of praying, it feels comfortable and I feel connected. I've had a lot of alone time with the big man upstairs and it's always nice to remember to share the good moments too...I tend to ask so much of His time in the scary/bad moments.

The second thing I did, was to take out my nifty doppler that came a week ago--thank you Nancy for the great recommendation. It's actually the same brand my OB uses--just not as high tech. It's a small wonder that I don't have that thing in hand and on tum at all times. So there was Ron, making some noise for me--heart beat and squirming. We talked for a bit (well I talked, he listened) and I said "I love you" about 20 times, and I promised cake for later.

To keep this post from being a novel, I will break down some thoughts and hopefully keep from going so long between posts-annnnd really get back into blog-mode, becauuuuuse....as of next Wednesday I am off bed-rest! Let me share why this is:

-At it's largest, the hematoma was 5cm. It is now .9cm (as in point 9) Hallelujah!

-Last week, we had a scan at 12w1 day, and I was measuring 12w4d-all good growth. Previa still there, but they will continue to keep an eye on it.

-Because I was measuring ahead, our u/s technician recommended to go forward with the NT scan and measurements that day--she was afraid we'd miss the window. Originally we were going to wait until Mook was back in town this week, but I knew he'd be OK with me going forward with it. The tech was soooo nice--she said she could get he measurements, even though I didn't have a full bladder. Ron was being a "side-winder" and made it difficult at first to get them, but she was willing to take as long as needed--fine with me, but I have to say it was a tad weird when she started jiggling the dildo cam to get Ron to move. Umm, yea. Most action I've seen in months.

-
I was not expecting this, but my blood work was back and since the tech got the measurements, the Doc was able to give me the results that day! I held my breath, said a prayer, and he turned the computer screen for me to see:
Chances of Down Syndrome before testing: 1 in 777. After testing/bw: 1 in 5, 749
Chances of Trisomy 13/18: 1 in 300. After testing/bw: 1 in 10,000
Extremely thankful for these numbers-but even if we are the 1 in those numbers, this child is loved no mater what.

These past few weeks have been a true test: one I could write numerous posts on, and hope to get my thoughts together enough to do so. But when does infertility stop becoming a test? I think it forces you to look at life in a whole new way-a more appreciative way. And I am capital A appreciative.

Next appointment is at 14w1d-my sweet OB said that typically he wouldn't see me back until 16w, but he knows I would stalk him if he made me wait that long. I want that hematoma completely out of my vocabulary. I tried my darnedest to peek at the goods at the scan, but no go. Our official anatomy scan is 18weeks, so some time to play the guessing game--which is fun too.

But really it's been a day to day thing. No talk of nursery, plans, etc. Im not quite there. We've talked names, but that has been going on since the day we got married. Not new territory. I do have some questions I need help with: Im having a hard time convincing myself that the pain in my left side I had all day yesterday was round ligament pain. Help diagnosis me--it feels like a muscle cramp, but sometimes is REALLY painful. Other question: I am a hot dog fan. I can't escape it. I did wait until after the 12w mark, and made sure it was cooked, but stuff I read says no to hot dogs at all. Do I need to lay off the dogs? (I had one tonight...)

As far as how Im feeling: everything crossed, I seem to be past the nausea. Still have some food aversions. I have a headache everyday, sometimes really bad. The nose is still stuffed up, and have a feeling it will stay that way.

We've started telling family and close friends...I still get nervous about it. Im very protective of the news--but Mook on the other hand, tells everyone he meets--which is cute. When he was coming back from PA last week, he bought a baby name book and the whole freakin' airport bought him a drink.

So I have a lot to catch up on with all of you--and I cant wait to reconnect. Thank you so much for being patient with me...

Friday, August 15, 2008

Berber or Shag?

In my younger days, it wasn't a common thing for me to visit a carpet store, but the few memories I do have of running through isles of carpet bring memories of exhilaration and fear.

I love the smell of new carpet...it's right up there with new-car-smell and permanent marker. I also love all the different textures....as I would chase my sister through the piles and isles, I'd make sure my hands touched each piece of fabric. That was 10 year old exhilaration!

Then the moment would come where the carpet would drown out every noise. I would turn around and find I was no longer being chased, and I could no longer see my parents talking to the salesman. I was alone and trapped in the middle of the Berber and Shag...that was 10 year old fear.

But then the sound of my mother's voice would break the silence, and I would run towards it as fast as my feet would go. I'd usually run smack into her, and I'd get the look to behave and I'd set off climbing the piles and running all over again...

So what the hell does carpet have to do with my 28 year old self? That same old game of exhilaration and fear.

Exhilaration:
On Monday, we heard Ron's heartbeat
I'm 11 weeks 2 days
Morning sickness--at night.
Ironically, we are getting new carpet in 2 weeks
On August 27th (13 weeks) I will be having a cake celebration for Ron. It's a goal my doctor has set for me, and I'm looking forward to celebrating.
I've put a link on the side, if you wish to see Ron's glamor shots.

Fear:
We did not have an u/s this week, so it's unclear about the status of the hematoma
At our 10 week scan, it was clear I have placenta previa. Let's hope it resolves as my uterus grows...
Not seeing Ron every day. It's easy to become addicted to ultra sounds.
Mook will be out of town all next week--he's my security blanket. I am thankful my family will take turns staying with me!
Getting anxious about the NT testing...I'll be close to 13 weeks when we get the scan (I've already done the blood work) so that Mook can be there.


Truly, each day has been a blessing. I've learned to live life in 24 hour increments, and that's OK with me. Life on bed rest isn't easy--but I always said I'll do whatever it takes. Mook is a great nurse-it's just hard for me to not do more. I miss being more involved in the blog world-miss it terribly. I promise Im not one to disappear after getting 2 lines...I'm just doing my best to follow the dr's orders, and I will be back to full steam ahead as soon as I can...I appreciate you all continuing to check on me-it means so much.

So other than the nighttime sickness (which happens one day and then not the next) I have continued to have lower back pain, and the biggest symptom to date: my runny nose! I'm stuffed up all the time, and have a bloody nose at least once a day. I've read this is not uncommon--and my doctor said its definitely a symptom. Just not a whole lot I can do to cure it...

Thank you again for checking on me. Please go over and give Bee Cee lots of company today...she needs some TLC. She's been SO good to me...love you Bee Cee!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Horizontal Happenings

Hi everyone, it's Bee Cee again* with the latest update on our friend JJ.

First of all, just to put your mind at rest, everything is ok, but there's a bit of an update that JJ wanted you all to hear.

Yesterday she text me and part of it said this:

"Not doing well today, saw red blood, so I am flat on my back".

I could tell in her tone that she was really worried. Poor girl, this thing is never ending for her. I wish someone would give her a break, so she could enjoy (if that's possible) her pregnancy.

Latest update today was better news:

"Was in the ER this morning, all is ok but I'm just so frustrated".

I knew she was doing better as she put kisses on the text this time! Knowing her as I 'think' I do, she will be relieved everything is ok with the wonderboy Ron, but she will still be very worried.

So, please send through any happy vibes for JJ, I am sure she will be thrilled to hear from you all when she's up to using the internet.

That's all for now. I've been Bee Cee your guest blogger for the day, hopefully JJ will back soon with the latest installment of Ron's adventures in wonderland.


* bet you all dread seeing my blasted name on a post....please don't think I am a doom and gloomer! Hopefully, the next time I will be back is to announce the safe arrival of JJ and Mook's baby.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

How to Quiet the Mind

No, I don't have the magic answer....I was hoping you did. Mine sure won't shut up.

So here's the scoop: Ron is a hip hop dancer. Well, Mook says he is...

The u/s technician moves SO fast, that it's hard to see much of anything--as long as I see the heart beat flickering, I'm OK. I think I had my eyes on the hematoma when Mook saw little R "pumping his arms" and to see Mook's impression of little R, definitely made me laugh.

Ron measured on time yesterday (7w6d) with a heartbeat at 164 bpm. Still hanging around: the hematoma, which looks like exactly Pac-Man--the u/s picture is a bit too blurry to take a picture of, and since I'm not near a scanner, I'll just let you imagine it. I asked more questions about the position of the hematoma (which now measures 5cm--still haven't been told if this is small, med, large--does anyone else know what your measurements were with one of these?) and the u/s tech said it appears to be above the sac--and that although it's still a bit early to tell, she thinks the placenta is starting to form on the opposite side, which would be great. Still not a guarantee by any means, but it's something. And I am thrilled to share with you that I puked last night: my first "morning sickness" happened at 9pm last night.

The hematoma is officially being reffered to as Voldemort around here...he's scary, mean and down right evil, but he CAN BE DEFEATED. It feels so easy to type that, and I need to re-read my own words, because it's damn hard to feel positive a lot of the time.

I'm not getting much more from Dr. T as far as prognosis: just bed rest, more bed rest, waiting, scans, and cautious optimism. I am considering getting another OB in my area to take a peek--his bio states "enjoys working with uterine abnormalities and bleeding." I've also talked to my former acupuncturist--I did not do acupuncture this round, but I still have hope that nature's remedies can do a body good. He's looking into some options for me--he wants me to check with my office tomorrow about fish oil and possibly garlic.

My mommy is coming to stay with us for the next 2 days...Im extremely lucky to have a mom that is also my best friend--I am looking forward to a lot of things--talking to her about my faith in all of this, playing card games, and getting that special mommy hug. Mook has been,and continues to be, a stellar husband--but he needs a break too. He's on a "man-date" tonight, and having my mom here will cut down on his cooking duties=)

I actually went back to the OB today for my "Health Education" appointment--I was prepared for "here's what you can and can't eat." I almost fell out of the chair when she asked me:
  • Will you breast or bottle feed?
  • Will you circumcise if you have a boy?
  • Oh and here's your hospital pre-admission form
Holy crap. I was not ready for that...I came home with a bag full of info, but I'm waiting for Mook to go through it with me. I just can't do it alone.

I go back and forth between absolute fear and acceptance. I do know that God is using this time to really teach me about control: that I really don't have any. For me, that is one of (if not THE) hardest lesson.

So I'm still on bed rest until at least August 6th. My job has been very understanding, but I know it's coming to the point where some bigger decisions need to be made--I don't want them to suffer, and I don't need to be stressed out.

Each morning when I pray, I picture all of you in the room with me--it helps me feel less alone. It's the hardest time of day for me, not knowing what the day will bring...but it brings me so much comfort to have your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate each "check-in" emails (im behind on responding) and the cards and care-packages are the best thing evvvvver. And I mean evvvver.

Closing thoughts: please continue to send SHRINKING vibes to Voldemort and GROWING vibes to Ron. And to do my part in positive thinking, I'm having Mook take a "belly" shot tonight--since I have always wanted to celebrate the 8 week mark. Nothing to see yet, but I have to have that reminder that Ron is in there...and doing his best.

And just to make you (and me) laugh, I have to share this fantastic video that Sticky Bun sent me: I LOVE it!