Monday, November 17, 2008

Across the Street

It happened by coincidence--I was walking to the mailbox, and she was bringing up her trash can.

She yelled over to make sure we hadn't had any damage from the freak-November storm from the night before; said they lost their TV and had some branches in the yard that needed to be removed. I said luckily we had turned off our electronics in time, and that we had picked up the debris in the back yard. She said she hoped I didn't lift too much since I needed to be careful-no need to put pressure on "that belly"

I casually laughed and found it the appropriate time to offer my congratulations on the arrival of their adopted son, now 3 months old. For some reason, I had this sudden need to know he was real-so I asked, "Is it OK if I come meet your little guy?"

As I started across the street, I caught myself almost stopping a few times. I felt the pang of hurt come rushing back at me in small waves--however, not the tsunami type waves I used to feel.

I'll hit the pause button here (picture me mid-track across the street) to tell you why I hurt. Mook and I moved into our house exactly 4 years ago this month--and the first people to greet us were these neighbor's across the street. She: extremely outgoing and bubbly. He: southern guy who loves his sports and let's her do the talking. I didn't expect that we would be best friends, but it was nice to have people around our age that could introduce us to the area, join us for meals, and attend functions with. She even started helping me look for a job-and I was due to meet with a good friend of her's (who she repeatedly told me she never had anyone meet with, because her friend's time was so precious....oooook) but the weekend before, I had a seizure-out of town, too-, and was in the hospital for 3 days. I was so worried about this stupid job meeting, that I called her from the hospital to explain: that I was in the hospital, we were 3 hours away, and I wasn't sure when I'd be able to reschedule. I then handed the phone to Mook who went into further detail, and he kindly asked if they could take in our mail and just keep an eye on the house for us.

I didn't return home for another week, and when I did get home, I could tell Mook wasn't telling me something. When I finally got it out of him (he didnt want to upset me) he told me the mail had never been collected, and there had been 3-4 nasty messages on our machine from this woman who I was supposed to meet with.

I still to this day don't know exactly what happened: if she thought I lied to her about being sick, or if she just got bored of us being the new kids on the block, but for whatever reason--she dropped us like trash. Didn't call, never spoke to us when we passed on the street, and looked annoyed whenever we made the attempt to speak to her. It really upset me--more than it probably should have, but having to deal with all of that after being so sick, with no job prospects, and even fewer friends nearby, it just made me so bitter. So honestly, 3 1/2 years have gone by with no effort on their part to be even slightly neighborly.

So needless to say, when Mook and I drove home one day a few months ago and saw blue balloons and a "Welcome Baby Boy" sign on their mailbox, we were quite curious. Of course I wouldn't know if she had been pregnant, because they come and go through their garage, so I never saw her. But our question was answered a few days later when Mook was outside, and they come walking by with this newborn, and strike up a light conversation with Mook--he said he looked behind him when they started talking to make sure they really were talking to him!

Their little boy had been adopted right at birth, and he was 5 weeks at the time--they were so in love, and just doing so great, and we should stop over sometime--they also offered congratulations to Mook about our news (no idea how they found out). And that was that.

Un-pause. So as Im walking in the house, she just goes on and on about how fast time has already gone, and how much they love having him. And as she handed him over to me to hold, she said: "I keep telling the adoption agency not to refer anyone to us to talk about adoption, because our story was too good to be true--we only waited 8 months! BUT, tell anyone with infertility to come and talk to me, and I can give them a thorough lesson."

It's like time stood still in that moment. I looked down at her son, felt my son kick me, and wondered if she thought I was just another "lucky one." But also in that moment, I chose not to tell her about our 2 1/2 year struggle, because I felt like she didn't deserve to bond with me that way.

OK, I may have lost some of you on that last sentence: how could I not want to bond with someone right across the street from me about the crap that is IF!? But I hope more of you understand why I didn't. Maybe I should have let all the bitterness go of the past few years, but I almost felt robbed again by her, because maybe we could have gone through the IF struggle together, but because she shut off our budding friendship, I'll never know.

It's been hard for me to stop thinking about our run-in. Should I have at least said, "Oh I am sorry you all struggled, would you like to talk about it?" But then, would it have been hard for me to keep my own story to myself? I walked out of her house, and just shook my head--disappointed for the connection that could have been made.

Have any of you all gone through something like this? I am always speechless when I try to explain the meaningful connections I have made through being able to talk about infertility through blogging, and in the real world. This is the first time I've been confronted with another "comrade" in infertility, and chose to back out of the discussion-and it stings in so many ways.

42 comments:

  1. Would you be more interested in opening up to this person if you'd not had that run-in? Maybe there are really two issues here.

    I can see why you would want to play it close to the vest until you build a level of trust with her.

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  2. Sorry, that was me, posting with the wrong account. :) I think you did what I would have done in your shoes. I don't think she deserves to know your story, at least not right now, not without a little time to build some bridges that she burned long ago. *hugs*

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  3. This is a sad story. Friendships lost in such a bizarre way always make leave me scratching my head and wondering what I did wrong.
    I think you did what your heart told you to do and who can ask for more? Maybe in time, you can open up to her, but that clearly wasn't the right time.
    *hugs*

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  4. No, I haven't gone through that experience. But I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to "bond" with her over IF, especially after such a snub from them. I would certainly have felt that they were just rubbing their baby under my nose.

    My parents' pastor and his wife adopted a little boy from Guatemala, they have two biological kids, but wanted to adopt. They know about our IF issues and the pastor basically brushed it all off with "Have you guys considered adoption?" That was in July.

    I haven't talked to them since...I would like to talk to them about beginning the adoption process, but I really don't want to deal with someone who could be so insensitive (albeit unintentionally)or with them giving me comments about our inability to have kids.

    *hugs*

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  5. Being infertile doesn't make you a nice person, worthy of friendship, any more than being fertile makes you undeserving of one. I totally understand why you chose not to disclose.

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  6. It is so hard to open yourself up like that and especially to someone who treated you poorly...

    BUT, I'm guessing if she somehow heard your news without you telling her that her comment might have been a strategically placed one (maybe she even reads your blog... hmmm...). We all know how hard it is to bring up that topic with someone, especially a virtual stranger, but just coming from the other side, oh, MAN, does it hurt when you reach out and share something like that and the other person shuts you down. One of my very closest friends did this to me regarding IF and I'm still wondering what I did wrong that she won't discuss these issues with me. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, reaching out to her, and it makes me cry, even now- two years later-, that she didn't even so much as whisper, "me, too."

    That said, the person I reached out to was very close to me (a bridesmaid and friend from childhood). I don't think you owe this specific person anything, but I would perhaps say that you just might consider how you would feel if you had been on the other side of the street, as it were. Certainly don't beat yourself up over it or anything, but do leave yourself open to more conversations with her in the future, and share with her as you see fit.

    Who knows? Maybe she was in the midst of a bad cycle when you had your seizure, and she was feeling weepy and irrational and left ugly messages for you because she thought you were lying. Not that this sort of behavior is acceptable- but just that maybe in some twisted way there was a reason for her behavior, even if she didn't tell you.

    Neighbors can be blessings or curses, and it sounds like she has been a curse up until now. Maybe it might be time to turn her in to a blessing?

    Oh, but mostly, just re-read what Mel said. Good advice, I think.

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  7. I don't think I would have talked about it either. This person is someone who has shown you in the past that maybe she can't be trusted with something like being a true friend. In the future if she rebuilds the trust maybe then you could talk about it but for now it sounds like you did the right thing.

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  8. I totally get it. She doesn't deserve to bond with you over this very personal journey. I don't know what her deal was with the meeting thing, as you had a very goos excuse AND even called, but I would hold the grudge.

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  9. I agree with everyone else--I wouldn't have shared with her either. While it's good to be open about IF because it erases the stigma, that doesn't mean you have to always share or that you have to share everything. Someone else had a good point though...is it possible she reads your blog and was trying to open a conversation? I don't know. If she was trying to mend fences, I would hope she'll try a different tactic.

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  10. I would not have shared my story with her either. She lost your trust as a friend, regardless of wether or not she was IF. Too bad she had to screw that up. You both could have helped one another.

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  11. I agree with Lori-it is a trust issue. No matter how much you have in common with someone, why open your heart to them if you can't trust them?

    There are plenty of others out there who have struggled with infertility that you have bonded with (online at least, and I hope IRL also), so it isn't like you need this person to be a close friend. It is unfortunate, but I would have done the same thing you did.

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  12. It would certainly be difficult to trust someone who had behaved so oddly without any understandable reason in the past. I think on some level you would always be anticipating it happening again.

    I don't blame you for keep your struggles to yourself. Maybe one day you can have a conversation, but sometimes, I think that we know that it would be pointless anyway, so why share something so close to our hearts?

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  13. Dont think of it as a connection that could have been made. Maybe rather as a connection you dont need. Maybe instead you were spared the drama and bitterness that apparently comes with that person. Hang in there!

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  14. Perhaps a short note in her mailbox, letting her know that you too shared an infertility journey too. Personally, I would let it go, but I'm not you. It's tough to forgive when you've been wronged. It's a personal decision, and I respect you either way. Life is just so short...

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  15. I had a seizure a few years ago too, and I think your seizure probably played a huge part in this situation. For me, my seizure was terrifying, huge, life-changing, and to have at that horrible time someone screw me over and disappoint me like she did to you, I wouldn't have wanted to bond with her either. You didn't feel supported then, how could you expect any different now?

    So I think your run-in from the past ties in more than the infertility side potentially. Yea you share the horrible IF side, but you don't share how you'd support each other through tough times.

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  16. Hmmmm. I guess I don't really even talk with my good friends much about our history of IF, so I probably wouldn't talk with a relative stranger. Especially one where Things Have Been Sticky.

    J

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  17. After this woman's bizarre behavior in the past, I don't think you were under any obligation to make nice or open up about your own struggles. While I have met the most awesome people online, not everyone who struggles with IF is as caring and cool. I guess jerks sometimes get hit with the IF stick too. Hell, maybe there are some infertile crack whores somewhere out there.
    I think you did well - polite, friendly, but not putting yourself in a position to get burned by her again.

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  18. It is your right to share what you want to share. She isn't a friend. Maybe one day you'll get there or maybe not. That must have been such a shock. What did mook say about it?

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  19. I can certainly understand why you did not and have not wanted to "bond" with her over shared struggles!

    My 2 cents (as an adoptive parent), and perhaps the other-side perspective? Don't presume that because they adopted a baby that somehow it was Plan B, or that they have struggled or went through years of trying to conceive or even pregnancy loss. It's possible, probably even likely. But it's not a certainty.

    They may have wanted to adopt as their First Choice, or they may have a genetic issue that they have known about all along. Or, it could be something more personal (an example, my cousin is a recovering anoerexic/bulimic, and said that she will pursue adoption instead because she worries that old habits might cause harm to any life growing inside her - which I think is VERY responisble and to be commended).

    I think you are AWESOME and so kind, but as adoptive parents sometimes we just want to not talk about our path, as there are certain privacy questions & issues, just as with infertility, as well as the background of our child.

    I wouldn't push it . . . if your kids become playmates and someday you're chillin' in each others backyards over a glass of wine, and you're feelin' the vibe, THEN bring up your own path to parenthood, and see if she offers anything in return.

    I am so happy that you have baby on the way!!! I have been more of a lurker on your blog but have been rooting for you all along (even pre-pregnancy).

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  20. Ms. J-I think in the story the girl actually mentioned that she had infertility.

    I totally get not wanting to bond with her on this. I probably would have said something though not as a way to bond, but just to get it out there because that is just how I am. Almost to a fault I tell everyone! I know how I would have been if someone across the street from me was pregnant. I would have been thinking "That lucky bitch." So, I probably would have said something just so she wouldn't be feeling about me how I would be feeling about her if the tables had been truned.

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  21. I guess I'm weird in that I think it's odd that she doesn't want to talk to other couples about adoption... ?

    I agree... with the emotional energy it would have taken to begin your IF conversation with her... not sure it would have been worth it.

    I understand how you felt when you moved there. Since we live in a college town, many of the other people or couples we click with are on their way out... it sucks to get close to someone knowing they're leaving. So, I know how exciting it was for you upon moving there to discover this couple that would have "worked" with ya'll. It must have been devastating, especially with the health issues you were dealing with at the time.

    Thinking of you. 25 wks tomorrow, right? You & little bit are in my prayers.

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  22. I wouldn't be able to talk about the IF thing either, not until the previous snub had been addressed - either explained (because it does seem bizarre, which makes me wonder whether there's some missing pieces on her side???) or apologized for, mended in some way. Until that's addressed it doesn't seem like there could be any trust in the friendship. So is it a matter of deciding whether it's worth dredging up the past in order to have a potential IF buddy across the street? Because there's no guarantee that even by talking about it it would be resolved...

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  23. I read her behavior as attention-seeking. She probably wanted to tell you about her IF hardship, so you would feel sorry for her. She probably did not want to hear anything about your life. Sounds like she's a little on the crazy side - and maybe it was hormonal, but still not worth worrying about.

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  24. The lost connection is unfortunate, but your reaction is completely understandable. Trusting someone is so difficult, and I think especially the case when divulging about IF. How many times have we all had such 'wonderful' (meh) advice bestowed upon ourselves when opening up just a little to someone. It is dangerous territory to tread, and you might have saved yourself even more frustration with this woman.

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  25. I would've been like you and not shared. I'm one of those people that once burned badly, I have a hard time trusting them. And I know it takes a lot to offend me, so it doesn't happen too often, but your situation would've really upset me.

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  26. um, no are in the right. you were waaayyy to nice and forgiving the first time. unless, you are in need of some nutty friends?

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  27. It's pretty sad that you had someone living right across the street that you could have commiserated with all this time, and because she acted like a tool, you were robbed of that camaraderie. I definitely think you made the right decision. To allow her into that part of your life at this point would be far too giving. Maybe one day she'll make up for her stupidity. Your kids will likely be friends...so you might be forced into some type of a relationship.

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  28. I dunno, just because you're both infertile doesn't mean you HAVE to be friends. Or share the fact that you are infertile either. It's your journey - you're allowed to NOT talk about it if you're not comfortable. And I get why you wouldn't be comfortable sharing it with her.

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  29. It's such a difficult personal thing. I don't know, sharing your story might have been a way to rebuild that bridge, but there was still the risk of finding yourself hurt all over again. I don't know what I would have done in your shoes, but it sounds like you followed your gut and I am sure that was the right thing for you to do in that moment.

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  30. I don't understand what she meant by "tell anyone with infertility to come and talk to me, and I can give them a thorough lesson." I'm confused. I give you credit--I don't know if I would have gone over to her house. I would still be bitter and upset. For someone to not believe you about being in the hospital sounds like a yahoo. And she tells the adoption agency not to refer anyone to her? Regardless if it only took 8 months it's still a trying process. You still have to take the same steps as someone else. I'm with you on not sharing your story. I don't think she deserves to share in the jeans story.{{hugs}}

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  31. hey JJ, thanks for stopping in. She didn't say what specifically it could be excpet possibly I wasn't drinking enough or needed to change position more often.

    I fount out from my neighbor Cosmo has a badly broken leg (surgery today) but he is otherwise fine. So happy, I don't even know this dog but I was so upset.

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  32. I don't blame you one little bit for not sharing with your neighbor. In fact, you were far nicer than I would have been able to be.

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  33. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. I would have just asked her what had happened.

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  34. I agree with others that maybe, after asking her what the heck happened back then, maybe there is a chance for some bonding.

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  35. Once I had a boyfriend dump me because he didn't believe I had the flu for a week and thought I was avoiding him. But that pales in comparison with her actions (or lack thereof).

    Call me petty and grudge-holding, but I wouldn't have given her the satisfaction of inquiring about their new son. But you are obviously a nicer person than I.

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  36. Lovely JJ. I think that you TOTALLY did the right thing, to protect yourself.

    What the hell, with the nasty voice messages ... doesn't matter that it happened years ago, she still left them.

    I think that if a total stranger holding a baby had come up to you in the street, and started talking about her infertility ... you would have shared your story.

    Your radar sensed it wasn't right to, with this woman.
    Her loss.

    Power to you. XOXOXOXOX

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  37. Sounds really odd and bizzare perhaps she was popping lupron when she had the freak out all those many years ago - if so we all know how crazy that can make you. Just goes to show that you never know why people do what they do. I tend not to share IRL.

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  38. I get it, I understand not wanting to share with her. IF is a very personal, soul sucking and well crappy journey. Somedays, I am all for educating people who know NOTHING about IF, sharing with people who do and trying very hard to walk the line with women still in the trenches while I try to be a mom that has IF (because I'll always be IF).
    I know that if she had tried to cross that bridge with me, her reaching out may have seemed too little too late and while I would be replaying it just like you are, I would have taken your path and not told her about my 4 years and the treatments etc, I would have just shook my head and said and offered "that's a shame". She would not have gotten "that" part of me either.

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  39. I know of one person who has struggled with infertility and ended up adopting a sibling group. Short story is that she's a horrible person who puts on a good front for social services. When she was doing foster care they eventually figured her out. Then she and her husband moved to a different province that is in desperate need of adoptive parents for kids who have been permanently removed from their families and had the sibling group placed with her before social services there had a chance to figure her out.

    I have never shared our issues with her nor do I feel any sympathy for
    her whatsoever, all I feel is pity for her children. I don't feel bad
    for feeling this way, but I do wish the situation was different and we
    could share. She's my husband's sister. I'm just lucky that he can't stand her either.

    I think there are some people out there who aren't deserving of any of our life stories, no matter how much they may be able to sympathise. Your neighbour sounds like she might be one of them. However, if it turns out that you do end up getting to know her better over the next while then you could always bring it up again if you felt it appropriate now that you know she likely has a story as well.

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  40. My SIL and I do not have a relationship. We once did. The beginning of it's end was when she refused to bond with me over IF. I didn't read the other comments but I realize I'm probably in the minority with this comment. But you asked. So there it is.

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  41. it makes perfect sense that you have to build the relationship back up to the right place first IF you're ever going to share that bond with her, and this meeting sounds like a good first step, should either of you choose to pursue it. maybe you will both discover there was some huge misunderstanding way back when, but it doesn't have to get sorted out in the first few strained conversations. you'll know when and if it ever feels right.

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There is nothing like a good pair of jeans; they shape us, support us and make us look our best. I'd love for you to share your jeans with me!