It's ironic that I don't often deal with anger: I was born on the day that a volcano erupted, so it only seems natural that I would have "fiery" tendencies. But it's just not in my nature--sure, I get upset/sad/mad, but rarely angry.
So right now is one of those rare times. I have to say, I've calmed down quite a bit, but as I begin this post I can feel it bubbling, rising and turning me into the mean green machine. (I really am wearing green today...)
I am not going to tread lightly through this post. Be forewarned: I AM ANGRY! I will get the apologies out of the way now: I am in no way taking this out on anyone, (esp. my recent cycle sistas) so please know that I am placing no blame.
------------------------------------------Thursday was rough. Really, really rough...as I said before, no matter how much you prepare yourself for that phone call, it's just earth-shattering. It's the point of no return. You can hope and pray and wish until that very last moment. And then it's gone...
It was so final. No more embryos. No more shots. No more pills. As I am sure many of you do, you begin to get into a medicine routine, so when 8:30pm came Thursday night, we just sat there and the sound of the clock in our living room was the loudest silence I have ever heard. Mook was so upset--he was blaming himself, which we quickly addressed and agreed we needed to support each other: we couldn't grieve properly if we were isolating ourselves. I tend to isolate myself because of the feeling that it's my responsibility to nurture and care for the embryos once they are inside my body-and by getting a BFN, I view it as solely my failure. That's why I am so glad we have been able to find such a great counselor-it really helped us "focus" our grief, if that makes sense?
And then the anger came. My anger. I was yet again on the bad side of the statistics. Two great FET cycle sistas (Jen & Bleu) went through the week with me--we all had the same beta day. I was the one who ended up with a BFN. Even as I type this I have feelings of guilt for even expressing this type of anger, but it really has had a grip on me. Yet again, I was left out. Why the hell was I left out? Why are we being put through this? Why on the same day that we grieve, Mook's best friend and his wife tell us they are pregnant. Why do I have to watch my husband crumble? Am I not meant to be a mother? It all makes me angry!
It sounds strange: but part of my way of coping with the anger the past few days has been to scour blogs that I read, and blogs that I may not have read before: blogs like mine. When I say like mine, I mean not pregnant. I needed to justify in my mind that I am not the only one out there who isn't. The list of "The Other Side of IF" on my blogroll made me dizzy. It just proves how this is such an emotional mind game. I wouldn't want to wish this infertility struggle on anyone, but to know that I am not the only one...honestly, it makes me feel good. And that makes me angry that these two emotions are related in this way-it shouldn't have to be like that. But I have felt the need to rely on the strength in numbers-can you relate?
It has been so hard to read any "good" news...and I hate that. It makes me feel so exposed-like everyone who is reading that blog is looking at me thinking "what are you doing here, you don't belong." My comments have been sparse because I feel like I'm faking it. And that makes me angry.
So the hulk in me has been an unwanted presence. I don't like it-and I'm working towards prying its grip off of me. But in a way, I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. In a way, it's fueling me to keep going: to keep my goal in sight.
I got to talk about the goal today during my follow up. Oh what joy it would bring if you could go in to a follow up and have solid answers. I remember being naive and thinking that last time I had a follow up that it would somehow give me THE answers. Not so. And it was the same this time....just "We are so sorry..." and "Let's talk about what could happen..." I didn't really get any answers that I couldn't have figured for myself. I do appreciate my RE though--he spent a long time talking with me and going over all my questions.
Bottom line: he thinks we are good candidates for another round of IVF. He does think we need to incorporate PGD. He agreed to take a full blood panel on me today (7 vials-ouch!) to rule out clotting/natural killer cells, etc. Mook and I need as much info as possible to go forward with any decision, so to have at least one more piece of the puzzle figured out brings us peace of mind.
I don't have any other answers right now. I don't know what our next steps will be--I know that we both need some mental clarity. I look back on this time last year when we had just found out about the road ahead--my spirit was still so hopeful and bright. Today if feels angry and heavy. I want my spirit back...
We continue to be so incredibly grateful for the support we receive here...to read each and every comment makes us feel like we were getting a giant hug. Thank you so much! I'm anxious to feel more like myself again...so bear with me as I get back up to speed. You can't get rid of me that easy... ;0)