Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Hulk In Me...


It's ironic that I don't often deal with anger: I was born on the day that a volcano erupted, so it only seems natural that I would have "fiery" tendencies. But it's just not in my nature--sure, I get upset/sad/mad, but rarely angry.

So right now is one of those rare times. I have to say, I've calmed down quite a bit, but as I begin this post I can feel it bubbling, rising and turning me into the mean green machine. (I really am wearing green today...)

I am not going to tread lightly through this post. Be forewarned: I AM ANGRY! I will get the apologies out of the way now: I am in no way taking this out on anyone, (esp. my recent cycle sistas) so please know that I am placing no blame.
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Thursday was rough. Really, really rough...as I said before, no matter how much you prepare yourself for that phone call, it's just earth-shattering. It's the point of no return. You can hope and pray and wish until that very last moment. And then it's gone...

It was so final. No more embryos. No more shots. No more pills. As I am sure many of you do, you begin to get into a medicine routine, so when 8:30pm came Thursday night, we just sat there and the sound of the clock in our living room was the loudest silence I have ever heard. Mook was so upset--he was blaming himself, which we quickly addressed and agreed we needed to support each other: we couldn't grieve properly if we were isolating ourselves. I tend to isolate myself because of the feeling that it's my responsibility to nurture and care for the embryos once they are inside my body-and by getting a BFN, I view it as solely my failure. That's why I am so glad we have been able to find such a great counselor-it really helped us "focus" our grief, if that makes sense?

And then the anger came. My anger. I was yet again on the bad side of the statistics. Two great FET cycle sistas (Jen & Bleu) went through the week with me--we all had the same beta day. I was the one who ended up with a BFN. Even as I type this I have feelings of guilt for even expressing this type of anger, but it really has had a grip on me. Yet again, I was left out. Why the hell was I left out? Why are we being put through this? Why on the same day that we grieve, Mook's best friend and his wife tell us they are pregnant. Why do I have to watch my husband crumble? Am I not meant to be a mother? It all makes me angry!

It sounds strange: but part of my way of coping with the anger the past few days has been to scour blogs that I read, and blogs that I may not have read before: blogs like mine. When I say like mine, I mean not pregnant. I needed to justify in my mind that I am not the only one out there who isn't. The list of "The Other Side of IF" on my blogroll made me dizzy. It just proves how this is such an emotional mind game. I wouldn't want to wish this infertility struggle on anyone, but to know that I am not the only one...honestly, it makes me feel good. And that makes me angry that these two emotions are related in this way-it shouldn't have to be like that. But I have felt the need to rely on the strength in numbers-can you relate?

It has been so hard to read any "good" news...and I hate that. It makes me feel so exposed-like everyone who is reading that blog is looking at me thinking "what are you doing here, you don't belong." My comments have been sparse because I feel like I'm faking it. And that makes me angry.

So the hulk in me has been an unwanted presence. I don't like it-and I'm working towards prying its grip off of me. But in a way, I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. In a way, it's fueling me to keep going: to keep my goal in sight.

I got to talk about the goal today during my follow up. Oh what joy it would bring if you could go in to a follow up and have solid answers. I remember being naive and thinking that last time I had a follow up that it would somehow give me THE answers. Not so. And it was the same this time....just "We are so sorry..." and "Let's talk about what could happen..." I didn't really get any answers that I couldn't have figured for myself. I do appreciate my RE though--he spent a long time talking with me and going over all my questions.

Bottom line: he thinks we are good candidates for another round of IVF. He does think we need to incorporate PGD. He agreed to take a full blood panel on me today (7 vials-ouch!) to rule out clotting/natural killer cells, etc. Mook and I need as much info as possible to go forward with any decision, so to have at least one more piece of the puzzle figured out brings us peace of mind.

I don't have any other answers right now. I don't know what our next steps will be--I know that we both need some mental clarity. I look back on this time last year when we had just found out about the road ahead--my spirit was still so hopeful and bright. Today if feels angry and heavy. I want my spirit back...

We continue to be so incredibly grateful for the support we receive here...to read each and every comment makes us feel like we were getting a giant hug. Thank you so much! I'm anxious to feel more like myself again...so bear with me as I get back up to speed. You can't get rid of me that easy... ;0)

91 comments:

  1. Hugs to you. You ave every right to feel all these anger, jealousy and guilt feelings. Unfortunately it's all so normal in this very un-normal world of IF. I hope your turn is next.

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  2. Your anger makes perfect sense--to have been hit with the double whammy of the negative beta with the pregnancy announcement would make it even worse. Infertility is such an emotional issue. It is the most important issue in our hearts, otherwise we wouldn't go through the hell that we go through. And it's impossible for bad news about such an important issue to be taken lightly. Absolutely impossible. Give yourself time to feel the anger and sadness and whatever other feelings you need to feel.

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  3. JJ,
    I understand why you are angry. It takes a lot out of you when you get the negative. Coupled with the positive news can be like an extra slap in the face. You are not going through this journey by yourself. There are others in your place. I know sometimes it seems like you are the only one being passed by. It just isn't true. There are others out there. Hugs to you and Mook as you work back to the Non Mean Green Fighting Machine.

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  4. You probably don't feel it now, but anger can be incredibly cleansing. It is better out than in and so get it out! I have had all of those same thoughts and feelings. I even had the trifecta a few months ago where I was absolutely a friggin wreck - a negative beta, cysts so no new IUI cycle and it was my EDD from my miscarriage. I was pissed. But you just have to get it out. Mook sounds like he understands that as well (and I sure as hell do). Go punch a punching bag, go say awful things (but not to other people) - do what you have to do. Just let it out. And, when YOU are ready, get back on the horse.

    I'll be thinking about you and Mook.

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  5. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. I struggle with what to say, b/c I don't want to sound hokey or overly optimistic. I just hope the best for you guys and pray that you get your spirit back soon!

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  6. I just happened to fall upon your blog, and it brings me comfort to know that I'm not the only one that feels that way...Just know that you're not alone. I have felt every one of your emotions, and I find it best to just express them. We shouldn't have to go through things like this. I pray you two get comfort.

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  7. I'm so sorry JJ. I'm sitting here crying as I read your post. I KNOW that anger. I have felt that ANGER. That feeling that life is so absolutely unjust. And why can't it be me???

    I'm so sad that you're in that place right now. I wish it were different for you.

    You and Mook are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. JJ -- the best way out of an emotion is through it.

    So. Good on ya for feeling it.

    May I make you a mojito? They work wonders. And there's green in them.

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  9. I'm sitting here sad and angry for you. Like the previous commenters have said, you have ever right to be angry, you've been through hell and back. Sometimes you just have to revel in your angry, rant and rave with the best of them. I know you and Mook will find your way out.

    Best of luck with everything, I'm thinking of you both

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  10. Oh, my friend, my heart is breaking for you. I know that anger so, so, so well. It feels ugly and awful, but there's really no escaping it. It's perfectly natural, and most of us truly do understand.

    I am embarrassed to admit that after my 2nd miscarriage, I scoured other blogs and only lingered on ones where the person was either in the midst of a miscarriage or had recently suffered one. It felt horrible and wonderful at the same time. Like you, I just needed to know that I was not alone. That I was not defective or flawed. That many, many other able-bodied women have the shitty luck that I had.

    I could think of 1,000 unhelpful things to say about how the next one will be different. And the 3rd time is the charm. And all sorts of other seemingly trite-sounding shit like that. But I won't waste our time with it. There isn't a damn thing that anyone can say right now which would help (other than hey, we f'ed up, your beta is actually positive. oops!).

    You make me want to drive to NC right now and give you a giant hug. Except that I know too well when I was in your current frame of mind, the last thing I wanted was a hug from a damn pregnant woman. No matter how much I genuinely liked her.

    So know that I am praying for you and sad that you are having to explore all of these crappy emotions thanks to IF. To say it isn't fair is a wretched understatement.

    xoxo

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  11. JJ,

    I totally understand your anger. It took me a long time to even get to a place where I could look at blogs where people were positives. And it sucks that it seems like a race...but dammit, it does! It seems like everyone else is ahead and you are stuck. But I am sure your time is coming. It is.

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  12. I have a feeling I will be where you are tomorrow. Feeling big doubts in this cycle.

    You aren't alone. I hate seeing my destined list growing and growing while I am left behind. It SUCKS!

    Man I sure wish we lived closer. I would say, elbows up to good drinking.

    Oh when I m/c I found myself obsessed with other m/c blogs. It felt good to cry and feel sad with others like me.

    HUGS!

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  13. You have every right to be angry. I wonder why you have to go through all this too. It's not fair. I understand, too, about reading other people blogs that are going through the same thing. I'm sending you and Mook lots of {{hugs}}.

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  14. All of the emotions tied up in this process are overwhelming. I am so sorry that you are having to go through the sadness and anger. Please know that there are many of us that are angry and sad with you. It is not fair.

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  15. Hey - be angry. Be as angry as you want.


    And I related to each and every single word you wrote in this post. Every one.

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  16. Oh - and also, I have been told many times, by smart people that depression is anger turned inwards.

    So keep it pointed out.

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  17. Well here's an extra big bear hug. :)

    You have every right to feel angry. Hit something (just not Mook)! And don't feel one bit guilty about it, either.

    ((HUGS))

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  18. I'm not a regular commenter, but I'm a very regular reader. I love this post. Embrace that anger! You have every right to be angry with anyone or anything. You already know it's something you have to go through, not around or over or under. Just through. And it sucks. I'm thinking about you and hurting for you guys. I'm glad you feel support from these comments, because you are such a great source of support for the IF blogging community. I think your smiley incredible hulk says it all. :) Thanks for your honesty and we're all pulling for you.

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  19. Thinking of you right now. . .

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  20. I'm sorry, I know that anger well. I also completely understand not wanted to inflict infertility on anyone, and yet at the same time feeling so damn jealous as the rest of the world gets to move forward without you. If you are angry, if you need space, take what you need, we can all deal with a little anger out here. You are not alone.

    {hugs}

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  21. JJ, I am so sorry. There really is nothing else to say.

    It sucks.

    xx

    J

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  22. So sorry and totally understand both the anger and the guilt.

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  23. If I could give you both a hug, I would. I feel the same anger, I really do.

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  24. Sweet JJ & Mook, as I read this post, it makes so much sense to me, I know that anger so so well, a lot of us do. I still get angry, angry for being in the small percentage that treatments don't work for.

    I feel the same as you when I think of everything that's going on around me, of people moving on while we are standing still. I know that everyone will understand when they read your post and no-one will judge because we have all been there, some more than others and some less but we all know that anger so well.

    Hang in there sweetie, the anger is always there, but someday it'll just bubble a bit instead of errupting, one day we too will be "on the other side of the statistic".

    I am glad that they are doing more tests on you guys, PGD is good too but maybe it's a clotting issue or something stopping the little embies from implanting, I hope they find answers. Take your time, be good to eachother and move on when you are ready.

    All my love and thoughts are always with you xxx

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  25. I think that there are many of us that could have at one time or another written that exact same post. I really know just how you feel, it sucks. I am among the non-pregnant so stop on by my blog...hell, I can't even get AF to show up to get started on our next cycle.

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  26. Let the anger come out - do what you need to do to feel better inside and out. This is such an emotionally taxing process - I recall my last 2 IVF's cycles and the BFN disappointment...the rush of "why not me"! I'm so sorry this was not your cycle, honey, and take some time to heal and let out your frustrations/anger! Hugs to you and to Mook! ((HUGS))

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  27. You are definitely not alone, dear!

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  28. You have every right to feel angry! I think we've all felt this exact anger at one point or another during our journeys. Thinking of you and Mook!

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  29. Many hugs to you and Mook! And girl, I so hear you.

    Sidebar for a second: you know, if you cut back on the spinach, you might not look so green in your pictures. I'm just sayin'...

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  30. I am thrilled that you are angry! You DESERVE to be able to have that outlet- smash the walls, throw things- go nuts, express how you feel and how pissed you are that you feel that way. I think the anger is so healthy and normal-life has been unfair to you in all respects and there is only so much positivity that one could stomach. You are entitled to break down and go wild. But I hope this release helps you regain your footing and youstand stronger if you decide on another cycle.
    Fish around for others in your boat- thats what this blog community is about- to find people similar to you, to support people- you know that as you have played and still played a MASSIVE role in linking all of us together.
    So forgive me when I say that I am so happy you are angry. I pray it gives you the fuel you need top regain that strength and oomph-
    Hugs and prayers to you always!

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  31. I would be really, really angry, too. I'm so sorry.

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  32. Honey, I know that anger intimately. Your anger and my anger -- they'd be able to erupt an entire mountain range of volcanoes if we let it. Definitely let off some steam, it's far better than imploding.

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  33. Yup. I am with you in hulk-dom. Though "anything can happen", with shitty embryos and an accidental superdose of estrogen, I'm not really expecting this round to work either. But every day I move more and more folks from the "not" to "pregnant" sections of my blogroll. I am happy for each of them, some of them have become good friends. But in my head I am angry and jealous and bitter.

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  34. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry - but I don't think it's all bad. Like you said it's fueling you and helping keep your goal in sight. Hugs to you.

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  35. oh sweetheart, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. everything about this sucks!

    i went through an angry stage and my shrink suggsested that i take a tennis racket to my bed. you should try it.

    i am glad that you guys are doing PGD. it's agressive, but it will tell you soooo much. and so many people have told me that there is no link between how 'good' an embryo looks and it's genetic properties.

    thinking of you.
    oxoxo

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  36. JJ ~ I've felt the anger and fought my own hulks...it sucks. Take care of you. You're not alone. ((HUGS))

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  37. Your grief and your anger and so totally understandable, JJ. How else are you supposed to feel when all of this crap is piled on top of you? My heart breaks to hear about how you must watch your husband falter and I know how that feels. It is truly awful and I wish there was something I could do to take that away from you.

    I am thinking of you and I know that I'm on the "other side", but you will always have my prayers and well wishes. XOXO

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  38. I understand this post so well. I have gone through it so many times in some way. I remember also going through it on this side last year. In December 6 from a board I frequent got pregnant, it was amazing. I was one. Then one had a blighted ovum, then another, then there was an actual molar pregnancy. Then there were 2 empty sacs. I was the only one left, everyone said I had the odds. Then I had the u/s and saw a heartbeat. Then 2 weeks later I lost mine. So you would think I would be done with the odds game learning the hard way. Not so, I have played it ever since, I have been angry and jealous and guilty so many times. It is part of the process, the part I hate. But it is normal and no one ever faults you for it.
    I wish I could say something that would magically help. Please know you are in my thoughts.
    Lastly, and forgive me if you have done this but I will say the one thing I insisted on this time even though they said it looked fine, was assisted hatching, on blasts. The doc even said in an email yesterday that maybe he should think about it as an option for others in the future since they do not routinely do it for blasts or FET's. Just info for you.

    Much peace.

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  39. My God I'm so sorry. Just so sorry, and I fully understand your anger. You deserve to rant and rave and cry and do anything else that you need to do to get through this.

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  40. Sister let it out. I am still here with you. When we started this journey in Jan. 06 I never thought I would be here in Jan 08 still childless. Many people who began with me all have their babies but not me. It is very isolating and very maddening. I hear you!

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  41. Dear JJ, HUGS! I you all the right to feel angry right now. I so wish I could do something to help you. I be praying for you my friend. I am sending you ltos of love on your way

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  42. Oh hun....my heart is breaking for you. I want this to work for you so very much. I only wish I had the right words.

    You have been so sweet in commenting on my blog...but please do not feel you need to read or comment....I will still be here to support you because I have been where you are more than once. You have a right to feel that way...IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!

    Sending you and Mook oodles and oodles of HUGS.

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  43. I think you have every right to be negative, angry, mad and sad. It isn't right and it isn't fair. I hope for the best for you. You are an awesome cyclesista. Many hugs!

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  44. JJ,
    In my experience, the only thing that has made me feel better is time. With time you gain clarity, hope, and fight. A fight for your happiness, in whatever form that may come in.

    The only way I was able to face more IVF cycles was knowing that someday I was going to be another. After we exhausted all bio possibilities, I knew in my heart that this house would not be empty forever. When you know that in your heart, it makes it easier to go through more treatment.

    One day at a time.

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  45. (hugs) Like others said, you have every right to feel the way I do.

    I wish there was something I could do to make everyone pregnant and not have to deal with the heartache bullshit, frustration.

    Prayers and thoughts going your way.

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  46. *sigh*
    Pretty much ditto on what everyone else has said since I am apparently quite late to the party:-).

    I'm angry for you. Angry that you have to go through this over and over and over to achieve what idiots manage every day. Angry that you are prepared to be good parents and yet... no child. Angry that you have no answers and so are left to make decisions with very little understanding of what may change the outcome for you. Angry that you are left behind.

    Ok, I'm aware a little bit of this anger may be about me :-). But nonetheless, I am angry for you.

    Sometimes (ok, ok, pretty much ALWAYS), IF sucks.

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  47. I can so relate to how you are feeling. Though I have not gone as far into the world of ART as you have (yet) we have been trying to make a baby for the better part of 4 years. When we started the IUI's I felt so hopeful, and now with each negative result I feel so crushed, angry and confused. Many of my fellow cyclesistas have received BFP's recently, and I feel the same as you. Angry, upset. Ashamed to be so angry, upset.

    Thinking of you...

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  48. So many gals here have said it already, but I'll add my sentiments as well. You are so not alone. You have every right to be angry. We've all sought for misery in company. And I definitely have read all the blogs that are on the same side of the fence as me. And I'm sorry to say, and perhaps this makes me an awful friend and person, but as soon as I hear of that BFP, I am SO HAPPY for that person but I just can't go back to that blog. Horrible horrible since we are all on the same road, but IF has made me into a self-centered person and I need to preserve my sanity. I do know that (and you know this also JJ) that the anger does die away at some point. It happened after IVF #1 didn't go well and look how hopeful/excited you got about the FET. That same feeling will come back again no matter what road you decide to travel on next. Sorry if I'm sounding so preachy but your post really touched my heart. I see you as one of my sistas out there in blogland since we both have MF issues (and your's was one of the first blogs I ever read). Ginormous hugs hon.

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  49. We are here for you. Never feel like you need to hold back your emotions on your blog, it is YOUR blog.

    We all love you no matter what you are feeling and trust me we have all felt that anger and it's scary.

    I wish I could make this easier but I myself can't find the silver lining some days.

    Hang in there girl ((BIG HUGS))

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  50. I understand your anger and have myself felt that anger before. I found myself nodding with so much of what you wrote...the pain of always falling on the wrong side of the stats, nothing ever working, cycling with people for whom it does work, "easily-achieved" pregnancies from family and friends, etc. Let yourself be angry and sad and mad and all of those other feelings that we are taught not to indulge.

    I'm so glad your doctor is doing a lot of testing. I hope the tests reveal something that can be easily fixed or at least give you a reason why IVF hasn't worked.

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  51. :( I'm angry for you too...you guys deserve to be parents as much as anyone else!!! I'm so sorry this road doesn't seem to have an exit. You are strong and resilliant, and there is a baby in your future, I am positive of that! hugs and hugs across blogosphere...

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  52. JJ and Mook - (((HUGS))) you need them - and let the anger lose. It is the best way to begin to recover! Let the blog be an outlet and use whatever other reasonable means to GET IT OUT! You have a right to be angry and a right to recover from it! I cannot imagine your feeling b/c all my BFN have been somewhat expected, considering DH's SA results everytime - somehow I just knew it was going to take more - of course, you know what I mean if you read my blog. Anyway . . . I hope you and Mook find your positive spirits again soon b/c hope is needed more than ever in your lives. My prayers and thoughts are with you :)

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  53. You have every right to be angry. No need to apologize. We have all been at that point where anger, jealousy, guilt, and sadness take over for a bit.

    Despite having felt these same emotions myself, I can't even imagine how you are feeling, but please know that I am thinking of you and hoping the best for you always.

    HUGS.

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  54. Anger is one of the stages of grief and completely normal. I too was very angry after my last IVF was converted to IUI and failed. I went through the whole thing, denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Don't know that I ever got to the acceptance part. I sort of did, as part of me realizes everything is happening perfectly, as it's supposed to. Doesn't mean I have to like it or you have to like your situation either. ((((Hugs))))

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  55. You couldn't have written this better. With my last cycle, finding out we were both negative and had nothing left (at different times), it was just too much. I prepared for the negative, but it going so shitty and having to start from scratch, that was just so freakin unfair to be "the one" that happened to. Your line about being the one to get the BFN, I get it. Gawd, I get it.

    I'm so sorry you're here with me, but the anger will lift - it really will. Just give yourself time. You'll still be terrified of the next round (whatever it is you choose to do), but the anger lessen. It probably wont' go away, mine didn't, but it will lift to a copable level. Hang in there.

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  56. looks like I'm late chiming in here too, but what a perfect post! as everyone has already said so beautifully, anger is a natural part of this crappy process. we know it's not directed at anyone in particular, it just is. and you need to feel it and keep expressing it -- better out than in, as I often say.

    when my ivf just failed, I was following a handful of other bloggers -- 1 got pg, 1 got pg with twins, 1 got pg and m/c'd. it's hard to be left behind yet again. being on the crap side of the odds sucks.

    do what you need to do, and if you can't keep up with some blogs, people will understand. strength in numbers is right.

    wishing you back your high spirits... ~luna

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  57. Looks like anger is in the air, and understandably so too!

    Its good to be angry, it spurs one on and helps us keep strong.

    I'm giving you a BIG hug now, its all I can do for you unfortunately :(

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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  58. You're not alone sweety. And I go through the anger and guilt feelings too. Aside from being busy, it's why I haven't blogged much. I'm happy yet at the same time jealous that most of my blog friends are now pregnant. Hugs.

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  59. I totally get the anger thing.... I have felt it SO much these past few months. Left behind is a good way to put it.... I'm so very sorry, but you have a right to vent. Vent all you want. It sucks to be the statistic that it didnt work for....

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  60. JJ, I just can't tell you how sorry I am that it didn't work for you (this time). But to me, you sound like you're healthily dealing with your anger. You know you're angry, and you're trying to work on it. That to me, is very healthy.

    Don't beat yourself up for wanting to only read the "non pregnancy" blogs out there. I did the exact same thing, and I felt badly for it, but I'm realizing now I needed to do that for the same reasons that you did. I just didn't want to feel alone in the BFN world. You will eventually get back to the "you" that wants to read about each person's pregnancy and birth because you know that they fought for that BFP just like you have. I don't know if you're anything like me or not, but for me, it's the pregnancy stuff that's the issue, not the baby stuff. I told my IRL pregnant friend that I could handle hearing about babies. It was hearing about pregnancy stuff that cut like a knife. I know that you will once again celebrate with your cystas when they get a BFP because you have a HUGE heart. Just take the time you need to grieve. My heart goes out to you, my friend!!! Sending you MANY MANY HUGS!!!!

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  61. I often feel left out as well. Lately bloggy buddies are popping up pregnant naturally without any treatment just out of the blue and it stings, though I'm happy for them. Sometimes anger is more productive than sadness. I hope you get some answers so you can decide on your next step.
    Take care.

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  62. You have every right to be angry JJ. I can't believe Mooks best friend announced their pregnancy that day. Did they not know what you are going through and how insensitive that is? I'm angry for you too.

    We are all crying for you both. The world is a cruel and hurtful place sometimes but remember we are always here for you with great big hugs and a shoulder for you to cry on.

    xoxoxoxox

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  63. Anger is all part of it.

    I am glad you are starting to feel more like yourself. More testing is a good idea, and there is no reason to believe another round of IVF wouldn't work. Don't give up hope, it isn't over yet.

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  64. JJ, You are such an angel... You have been through SO MUCH more than I have and yet you have kind ans sensitive words to offer me. I can't understand what makes you so wonderful.

    Yeah... I have actually been doing ok since J left... Repainting my desk at my home office (a lovely black instead of the ugly maple, so the office will match). Spending $300 at Pottery Barn for office organizational stuff (again, that room will be fabulous). And other home improvements (like staining the deck this weekend). I've also either had someone over every night this week, or been over to someone's house. So I've not had a TON of time to be lovely... But tonight, the one night I have nothing planned, all I want it a kitty in my lap. :( Oh well. Thank you so much for the kind thoughts!!! Right back at you, Sweetie~

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  65. JJ, I'm glad you and Mook are able to get on the same page and reconnect so that you can be stronger as a team. You're moving forward, doing more tests, and taking your time with decisions...that's all you can do. Your anger is totally natural. Hell, I'm angry when I read all that you've been through. You are never an imposter on my blog. If it's too painful to read, I understand wholeheartedly, but know that I'm thinking of you and praying that this badness passes quickly for you!

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  66. David Banner/The Hulk always said, "You wouldn't like me when I am angry."

    I still like you when you are angry...and you have good reason for any and all anger.

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  67. I know exactly how it feels to be left behind. And the no answers thing. I'm sure that's the major cause of my increasing lacking hope.

    I feel for you. I wish it was easier xx

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  68. I understand the feeling of being left behind. I've often felt like I was crying in an alley as the parade went by with horns blowing and everyone waving at the Victors. Sometimes I wonder if that is how the homeless lady feels when I walk by her in my new coat without breaking stride.

    It is important to honor all feelings. There is no second place in this war. As a veteran loser (twice), I try to remind myself that the reason it seems like there are more people with success than those who are trying over and over again is because many people don't have the resources to try IVF 4 times because they don't have state mandated coverage. So those other people disappear more quickly. In the 3 last month, I saw a 5th timer, 6th timer, and yes 7th IVF timer succeed.

    I like your style. I like that you are honoring your feelings AND moving forward in whatever way is possible for you at that moment. Get pissed, get sad, and take what you need to survive. Some days are about conquering and some days are about surviving.

    I have my follow up next week. I am gonna ask about that full blood panel. How long til you get results. Sorry to ramble on here.

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  69. I am so sorry to hear of your hell that you are being put through. I wish I had the magic comment that would make everything alright. All I can say is that I'm so sorry. You seem like such a good person. Life is truly unfair sometimes.

    I'm always here if you want to talk. Take the time to feel all the emotion that you need. Anger is healthy and so completely neccessary. Otherwise you are just numb. You're right...infertility is not something I would wish on my worst enemy..let alone such a nice person like yourself. You have every right to be angry. And be angry for as long as you need. There is no magic time frame. Eventually it will pass, but even when it does people don't understand that we are forever changed by it. It never truly leaves us. We are not the same people as we were when we started this journey. But know there are so many of us here who are here to listen even though we are all at different stages.

    lots o hugs,
    Sara

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  70. I am so sorry. I know EXACTLY how you feel though, and I know what you mean about it making you feel better that there are others who are not getting what they want either. I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all, you need to know you are not alone in this. I'm glad that you are thinking about moving ahead with another IVF cycle, as much as it SUCKS some people just need more trys at this than others. ((hugs))

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  71. I am so sorry to read your news. And to be hit (feels rather like a punch doesn't it?) with a pregnancy announcement the same day just magnifies the pain. Please take all the time you need to be angry and grieve.

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  72. you said SO well what I have felt many times.

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  73. I'm late catching up on blogs. I'm so sorry, Sweetie. I really hoped this cycle would work.

    Yes, of course I know what you mean. While I want everyone on my blogroll to get pregnant and have healthy babies, I want it only if it includes me. I couldn't do this alone - I need others who are still where I am. I hate that I feel this way too - but it is the truth.

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  74. I'm sorry your cycle didn't work. I've only just caught up with you - been taking a bit of time out to wallow a bit.

    I'm totally with you on the anger front. I feel like not only are my here friends but many of my blogland mates have also left me behind. I just don't understand why it's never my turn!

    I'm sending you a hug and a knowing smile and hoping you're feeling ok. Stay angry all you need to - better to get it out.

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  75. Oh JJ. I think when I say I get this post - it isn't a platitude. I'm praying that you get a clear answer on your next step. But, I am not praying for your anger to go away magically. I think it is healthy to be mad. Because it really is not fair.

    Infertility S*CKS. And it is OK to get angry. It is OK to protect yourself. It is OK to feel the way you do.

    Knowing you the little bit that I do, it will pass. And I pray that it leaves you a little bit more healed from this trauma.

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  76. Your post hit home with me. I, too, followed those blogs who were cycling with me. Last November, with my first IVF, it was a day to day comfort to see how my follow infertiles were progressing. I felt for them with the stumbles, lining issues, stim problems. I had no problems, it was a "perfect" cycle. All three of the women I started in vitro with got pregnant. I did not. I feel petty and small that I don't check up on how they're doing. My FET, also scheduled for January, was cancelled. And I feel the same feelings I felt last year. Sadness that I'm waiting yet again. Shame that I'm not big enough to rejoice with all my heart for those that have also walked a rough, uneven road. You are not alone. Not in the least.

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  77. Please don't apologize...rage at the world. NO it isn't fair. I have those jealous feelings too, and then I feel like such a b*tch for having them.

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  78. You have no reason to apologize. None. If I could take your pain on to myself, I would. In a minute. I hate that you have to deal with such hurt. I'm so sad that you're in this awful place right now.

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  79. It sucks, It just sucks.
    You write down so very well. You're not alone in this.

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  80. ((hugs)) I will continue to keep you and Mook in my thoughts and prayers.

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  81. Be ANGRY! Infertility is so unfair. And the other announcements just make it that much harder. I am just glad that you and Mook are handling your anger so constructively. And together. Oh sister. I just wish you weren't having to go through this.

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  82. Oh I'm right there with you -- even before I read this post I think you and I are in the same frame of mind right now.

    I'm green too -- in every sense.

    Thanks for your honest post -- really, it makes me feel like I'm not the only one out there holding this inside.

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  83. I admire you being so honest in your blogging. My blogroll recently got me down as I had shifted most of them to 'the other side'. I too went hunting for new blogs to read to plump up 'our side'. The Hulkiness you are feeling is normal and you are not alone xo

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  84. Sorry I'm just now getting to this post...It's okay to be angry sometimes.

    I have also felt a bit like even my IF sisters are getting out of the whole, while I'm still left alone digging away...So, I just wanted you to know that I'm still here with you, with a hand to hold or shoulder to cry on if need be.

    ((hugs))

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  85. Though I haven't been through what you've been through, I've definitely felt that anger. My thoughts are with you.

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  86. Sweetie...I am so sorry. That is all I can say.

    Hugs to you!

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  87. I agree with everyone here, but I hope you find peace on the other side of the anger. Everyone says it's exhausting to be angry, but I actually find it's more exhausting to feign happiness when you're actually pissed.

    Best wishes to you and Mook.

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  88. I found your blog through Stirrup Queens. We just found out we have MFI and so my wagon is circling. So sorry about this last cycle. I only have a tiny glimmer of what that anger might be like. I hope things look up for you soon.

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  89. Via la Creme...

    I think it's so important to get in touch with the anger when it's there. It was helpful to see someone else articulate it.

    What really touched me was

    ...no matter how much you prepare yourself for that phone call, it's just earth-shattering. It's the point of no return. You can hope and pray and wish until that very last moment. And then it's gone...

    That is so, so true. No matter how much I know in my head what the answer is, the heart hangs on until it hears the nurse's voice and then it's devastating.

    Thanks for sharing this with Creme.

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  90. Wow JJ. I have felt ANGRY like this a few times. It has always struck me how I never really knew much about anger until I felt this.

    Good post.
    From Creme

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