Thursday, February 7, 2008

Fight or Flight?

Happy "Rat" Year! A Rat Year is a time of hard work, activity and renewal. I don't think I need to explain how appropriate a Rat Year is to all of us in the infertility world. Let us all be able to end this year with all the hard work and "activities" paying off and a sense of renewal! It's worth the fight.

So you all get angry too, huh? What a great discussion ensued from my last post--I hope it was as therapeutic for you as a reader as it was for me to GET IT OUT! My green-tint has subsided a bit but it still lies right beneath the surface. It definitely came roaring back when I heard about the loss of Sylvia, Claire and Lucy--and for the pain that Mary Ellen and Steve are experiencing. I, along with many others, could not shake the news from my mind--they have been in my thoughts and on my heart since that day. It just makes me ache for the unfairness of the whole situation. Makes me want to fight back at the universe!

Last week I took another step towards healing the anger, or so I thought. The counseling that Mook and I have been going to has helped so much, but I was still feeling the grips of anxiety holding me too tight. I had our counselor refer me to one of her colleagues that could assess my situation and hopefully prescribe some anxiety medication. It took a lot for me to get to that point, so I was hesitant to take this step; plus having to go through my history with yet another medical "professional." I'm not going to waste a lot of time on this idiot of a woman. She doesn't deserve the time: but I will say that even though I was able to get some medicine, I left there in a fit of rage. She had no clue how to talk to me. Told me to "try that IVF thing, it works for everyone..." and the magic phrase: "relax, it will happen--esp. now that I'm giving you drugs!" So I decided to fight back and have filed an official complaint against her, told my counselor that this woman needed a stern lesson because she cannot talk to people dealing with infertility in the way she did.

Moving on...

Got my blood panel results yesterday. I have to say, when I looked down at the caller ID and saw that it was my RE, I had no clue why he would be calling. It's crazy to admit this too: but for a brief second, I honestly had the thought that they had read my beta results wrong and I was indeed pregnant (albeit I had already had AF visit...) Whew, anyway...everything came back A-OK. Low chance of miscarriage, no clotting, all normal. It's awful/twisted that when I get back results that are normal, I tend to just shrug and say, "Ok, great...now what?" It would be so easy to have one definitive answer. Not that I am not grateful for normal test results! I can now cross that off the list of being a reason our little embies aren't sticking around. I want more than ever to give them a fighting chance!

By now, you may have realized I have been emphasizing the word: fight. Anyone who has gone through counseling/therapy/philosophy class may have heard this term: "Fight or Flight?"This refers to our natural reaction in a situation that causes us pain, discomfort, uncertainty, among many other feelings. I am a fighter. There are plenty of times that I feel like taking "flight" from a situation, but my natural tendency is to fight. Not a violent sense of the word: but standing up for what I believe in, holding my ground, communicating until I feel a situation is resolved.

On Saturday, I will celebrate my one year blogoversary. This blog has provided me a way to fight for not only mine and Mook's journey to become parents, but to lend support to others as well, and fight on their behalf. To celebrate this blog, which has become so important to me, is to extend an open invitation to my local/fellow bloggers to unite in the fight against infertility.

Where the state of NC may have been the first in flight, let's show them we can fight too! I have personally been inspired by the great group of women who are part of the DC Bloggers, and also had the privilege to meet quite a few of them. I saw what a difference it made to meet up in person and share the journey we are all on. To have the physical connection of a hug from a person who gets what you are going through. To look forward to gabbing with girls who not only want to talk about infertility, but what Pari.s Hil.ton was wearing at a movie premiere.

Let's make this work, girls. This isn't closed off to just NC people--if you can come over from any surrounding area, you are more than welcome! Let's start by gathering the participants: you can leave a comment here, e-mail me if you want to remain a bit more anonymous, and even if you don't have a blog and have been a lurker: ALL are welcome. We will gather the details, and plan our first meet up in the very near future--most likely in the Burlin.gton, NC area since that is middle of the state. Feel free to take this logo off my blog, and promote our BlgrsUnite on yours! And to my DC girls, thanks for always making me feel included--help me convince the NC group that it's worth organizing!

Thank you to Lori for allowing me to use her idea and formulate something that would work for our area. Thank you to Mel for helping us get "found", and thank you to my sweet Mook for helping me with our logo! One more thank you....Leah, thank you so much for the beautiful flowers you sent us-they have brought many smiles to our house!

50 comments:

  1. That is a great idea! If I were close I'd definitely be there!!

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  2. Well, ColoBloggers were the Jets and the Order of the Plastic Universe were the Sharks. Maybe the BlogrsUnite can be the Pink Ladies?

    In any case, let's get ready to rummmmmbllllle!

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  3. I have a problem with the fight or flight thing. WAY too often I fight. I rarely flight. Even when I know it's not worth it and I should just flight, I almost always fight. Sometimes I wish I could just let things go and flight.

    And regarding Bloggers Unite: I recently met a girl (through my blog) who lives very close to me and who is in the very same boat as me, you, us. We've met up once and are going to do so again this weekend. And we are in touch all week long via email/blog/f.book. It it feels SO GOOD to have someone who understands it all and who can talk infertility but whom you can also have fun with. I'm so thankful I met her. (I think she reads your blog too, Hi Emily!)

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  4. I love the new logo for the NC bloggers! Count me in for any activities!

    I'm pretty shocked about the treatment provided by the psychiatrist. It was already tough enough to reach that place and take action, only to be confronted with such comments! I'm glad you are fighting on this one!

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  5. Oh, I wish I lived in your area! I'm starting to wonder if I should try to set up a Chicago-area bloggers get-together...

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  6. I think this is a great idea! I've often wanted to know more of you wonderful blogger ladies.

    That said, I plan on being in NC in parts of Feb & March. So... can you keep me in the loop, in case it works out? I'd be in the Durham area, so Burlington would be really close!

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  7. Great idea JJ. Way to take control and plan the group. You are goign to be a great leader. I wish I could be a part of your group but I'm so far away :(

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  8. Fantastic Idea have a blast! Wish iwas closer to you all

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  9. I would SOOO be there if I was closer!! I think it's a WONDERFUL idea to get together!!!

    And good for you for speaking your mind about that counselor!! That's part of the reason why I'm so reluctant to go see anyone. I just don't think I'd be able to sit back and listen to the "Just relax" speech.

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  10. happy blogoversary! wished I lived near NC... ~luna

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  11. You rock. Seriously. I am awed by your immediately taking control of the situation and filing a complaint against someone who should definitely know better.

    If I lived closer to NC, I would be there!

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  12. It was several weeks for me before the full impact of my failed IVF hit me. And boy did it! I was a mess, a train wreck of physical and emotional symptoms. While I don't have a therapist, I did have an awesome acupuncturist. I went to him and told him how out of whack I was and just downright miserable. He was able to help like you wouldn't believe, and I slept that night for the first night in ages. I can't remember, but have you tried acupuncture? He also did some guided meditations with me, and I could forward you a link to a CD with some good stuff on it.

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  13. You know I'm definitely in. Let me know when and where and I'll be there! :)

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  14. JJ it is great to see you back and ready to take on the world.

    I think a blogger get together would be a great idea. I will have to be there in spirit.

    *HUG*

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  15. Blogger just ate my comment...and it was a good long one too.

    Anywho...wish I could join you all in NC.

    And way to go for filing a complaint with that doctor. I am impressed with how proactive you are

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  16. Knew things couldn't keep you down--you keep on fighting,woman! And that therapist---phhhhffffffffffft!

    I wish I lived closer (800 miles is a bit of a hike, I must say). Love the idea.

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  17. I hope that your therapist either gets with the program, or you are able to find one that is more supportive of all that you are going through. There should be a sliding scale fee for ridiculous doctors!!!

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  18. Fight on my dear! Happy Blogiversary Saturday. Mine is Feb 8 -- I missed you by a day. So glad to have found you. All the best always, PJ

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  19. Oh JJ, I'm so sorry you had such an insensitive biotch. I'm glad you reported her!

    I live in NC, but I don't know if anyone would want a former "infertile" with a new baby around. But I hope the group is successful! I think its a wonderful idea to get some support!!

    (hugs)

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  20. Hi JJ,
    I'm in NC and would love to meet up. I too am shocked by what the psychiatrist said. You think she would know better. That's the sort of crap I got from a therapist who supposedly specialized in IF and I moved on after a few sessions. I'm glad you were able to get some meds...my anti-anxiety/antidepressants have been sooo helpful.

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  21. Boo on the bad doctor. How can people get off being "professionals" and saying such crap? I hate the "normal" tests results, too. Great, there's nothing wrong with me so basically now I'm just a complete loser. At least when there's something there, you feel like you can fix something. Otherwise, it's just a shot in the dark and all guessing.
    *hugs*

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  22. Great idea! Good luck with it!

    And... you are not the only one who has ever wondered if the beta/pee stick was wrong even after AF. I have had those moments and felt utterly insane for thinking so even if only for a second.

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  23. Love the logo and the idea . . .

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  24. I guess my post today was similar in many ways to your green post! It's great that you're trying to get a group together! I'd come if I lived in the area. I've been a member of a support group since 2005. We have meetings once a month. The lady who organizes it just had a vision it was what she was supposed to do and she has a gift. I went then for support, I go now to give back. I've made some amazing friends along the way. We have a website and advertise with local area RE's. Our group is usually small and intimate, but it's done wonders for many. If you want any more info on it for ideas for yours, let me know. Good luck! Glad you're doing better.

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  25. Happy Blogoversary!

    I am sorry that any of us have to fight so hard for what comes so easy to so many others. Nothing about it is fair, or ever will be fair. Grrrr But keep on fighting!

    I wish I were closer (coast of SC just isn't quite close enough). I'm in NC at least a few times to visit family, but the closest I get to the Triangle is Charlotte. I'm usually in the western end of the state. I'd love if you post about the get-togethers on the off chance that I can make one, though!!!

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  26. I'm in the Winston-Salem area. Burlington sounds like a reasonable middle-of-the-road spot... but what is there to do in Burlington? I haven't lived here for too terribly long, and my only experience with Burlington was driving that direction when my mom came to visit to go to some china/silver replacement store, and I don't recall much about the city...
    You can find me at my blog (http://theonlybeeinyourbonnet.blogspot.com), or email me when a firmer plan is in place (mcfarland dot kate at gmail dot com)

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  27. Unfortunately, there are counselors/psychiatrists out there that are clueless about IVF and IF. I've experienced that patronizing talk from counselors before, and decided I'm not going to anyone who hasn't been down this path before. Luckily, I've got a great counselor who runs our IF support group who did the whole IVF route herself multiple times before adopting. That fight in you is YOUR life force. Tap into it, use it, and let it take you through this difficult time.

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  28. HAPPY 1-YEAR BLOGOVERSARY!!! Ugh, NC is so far...too bad!

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  29. Yeah, that comment by the psychiatrist-woman would have really annoyed me, too. Since she is prescribing meds, do you have to remain in treatment with her, or are you going to switch?

    I wish I could attend the NC get-together, but I'm several thousand miles away!

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  30. hey JJ, I'm giving you something else to write about this week. been tagged lately? well, you're it! rules are on my blog... ~luna

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  31. I hate the "normal" diagnosis. It doesn't help at all. If everything is so normal, then why aren't we normally pregnant with babies?

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  32. I wish I lived closer. =( Keep the rest of us posted on how it goes.

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  33. I am so glad that you made a decision that is good for you. Therapy can be a humbling experience- I think it shows how courageous you really are. An inspiration I dare say... it's always hard to ask for help.

    I would also like to apologize on behalf of my field for their response to your pain and anxiety. He or she was thoughtless and unfeeling.

    I am always reading and always cheering you on- I wish I still lived in Burlington!!! Fight on sister :)

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  34. I really need to start a New England or MA group.

    Thanks so much for your sweet comment!

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  35. What a great idea JJ! If you guys are open to a fellow infertile who has moved on to adoption, I would love to be included!

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  36. I've got my dates.... Feb 23/24 and March 14-18 and possibly March 23 also.

    I'd love to go and do anything I could to fit it into my schedule. Since it's visiting family, I can pretty much do any evening as I please.

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  37. Great idea JJ:) Wish I lived closer to NC...IN isn't a short trip over. I've been thinking about finding out if there are any bloggers over in my area that would like to meet, but just haven't put it out there yet. Good luck!

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  38. Your title...so funny but so true. In medicine there is the whole fight or flight theory. When you become stressed this is what you go through. THe first day of school in college they talk about this, different neurotransmitters involved and hormones. But basically I boiled it down to this. I have a lot going for me, but I've learned that I am a wimp overall. I try really hard to fight..but more often than not I find it more helpful to flight. I know it sounds lame...just being honest. I hate confrontation..and often times take the easy route out.

    Thanks for the kind words..I wish you the best of luck ahead!

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  39. A much belated HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY to you JJ!!!
    :) :) :)

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  40. Thanks for your best wishes. We appreciate it!

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  41. Happy One Year of Blogging! I also had a bad experience with a therapist. She was supposed to be a fertility specialist. She was horrible and spoke on my husband's behalf without asking him how he thought. There are a lot of idiots out there. What happened with your complaint? Did anyone respond? I wish I lived around there for a get together. The midwest is far away... Have fun!

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  42. From one Infertile woman to others... I am in NC although Im not married anymore, ( infertility took care of that) I can say that Im still infertile and single. Its the not knowing that is the hardest. I think being preggers and losing it due to miscarriage would be better then not getting pregggers at all. Atleast If I got preggers and lost it I wouldnt feel so unwomanly. I support you and your hubby and all of the other women and thier hubbies too!! Hopefully one day Ill be married again and on the infertility rainbow of adventure.
    Jason and Samantha... once an infertile always an infertile!! You are always welcome in my presence with your new bundle of joy!! Ive come to grips that Im here for everyone's kids!!! Ill hold the babe while you mingle!! ;o)!! Congratulations!!

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  43. I can't believe that therapist had the nerve to say those things to you. You should have unleashed the hulk on her.

    The anger sometimes sneaks up on me when I least expect it. And it is an anger that is so raw and deep-it is a little scary to know that we are capable of feeling that way.

    Thanks for your comment on my post earlier this week. It always helps a little to know there are other people who get you and completely understand how you feel. I wish none of us had to go through this, but at least we aren't alone.

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  44. sorry to hear bout your BFN last month =(
    but from reading your posts, i think your fighting spirit is in tact. stay strong, JJ!

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  45. I can't believe they were trying to give drugs for anxiety, what kind of position is that to put someone in so they seek addiction treatment for whatever psych drug problem they end up having?

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