Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Grey Area

And no, I’m not talking about the oh-so-popular Fifty Shades of Grey * that so many are gossiping about by the water cooler.

This grey-area is far less awesome.

First, it’s not cancer – you could practically see the weight come off my shoulders when I heard the doctor (yes my doctor rocks, and called me personally). Unfortunately, there is the word cancer in the report: precancerous cells.

So yes, I’m thrilled. I feel blessed. I am happy that it’s NOT cancer.

But for the rest of the diagnosis and follow-up steps, there is a lot of grey area.

Because the entire mass contained abnormal/precancerous cells (along with the surrounding tissue) I will go back in 4 weeks and have a laser ablation of the lining of my uterus. More bleeding. Yay. (I have kept ‘Always’ in business the past 4 months) Birth control for the next 3 months, and a follow-up endometrial biopsy in August.

I realize that sounds like a pretty decisive diagnosis and treatment plan – it is … in theory. For me mentally? It leaves the book open – this chapter cannot be closed. I am left in limbo – and
I guess
, no -I know I’m just damn tired of living in health-limbo.  I’m not black-and-white healthy and I must remain in this grey  area while my body chugs along and figures out how to reset. It’s also the added heart/B12/thyroid issues that I have to keep on top of – I have 4 more weeks of B12 injections and 3 more months of beta blockers – so later this summer? I’m gonna EXPECT my body to be back with the program and on track, dammit.

It could be worse. So much worse. I know that. But I’m not going to spout sunshine because that’s really not how I feel. I will get there – time heals. But right now, I’m allowing myself to be OK with being upset that I don’t have clearer answers.

I am going to get back to walking, since I’ve been cleared to do that – and my hope is that the exercise will help my mental health as well. And being able to blog again – well that’s an excellent medicine all by itself! Thanks for all the well-wishes and support – I’ve been recouping this week and I’m grateful for the TLC from my family and friends.

*Yes, Ive read Fifty Shades of Grey – talk about turning fifty shades of RED when my mother asked me if I had read it. Hi Mom :) *

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