And here I am again. Having that same twisted feeling. (Please tread lightly on the following statements, knowing that I am using this blog as my form of venting and healing.) Mook and I had a funny feeling from the time we started the investigation into what might be causing a delay in our journey to parenthood-that something was wrong with me. I have a history of painful and irregular periods, so it was the only rational explanation. As we soon found out, it was just the opposite. I have been given a "clean bill of health-all organs operating correctly." Mook had to hear the crushing news that it was male factor that we are dealing with. It made us both sad, angry, hurt-but at the same time, we had an answer; something to work with and it was time to move forward.
So here comes the part where the twisted feelings come in. Why isn't it me? I was prepared to have to deal with medications, ultrasounds, the poking and prodding- the whole sha-bang. Having to watch Mook shoulder the blame and guilt has been so heart-breaking. We have come a long way since the initial news, and have been one of the lucky couples who are growing stronger through this.
But here is my burden- and I am letting it go as of this post. I was feeling "left-out" since many of the blogs I have found in this IF circle are you ladies dealing with the harsh reality that your body is not "normal" (I hesitate to even use normal, since none of us in this circle know what normal is anymore...but hopefully you know what I mean.) It's the braces club all over again...but that is something I have to let go of, and realize we are ALL in this together. All of you have been so wonderful and supportive and a WEALTH of knowledge as Mook and I began on this journey-and I am so beyond thankful for that. So I ask that you forgive my silly-middle-school-girl feelings!
Whew, I feel better! And I don't mean to exclude those girls who are going through this journey dealing with MF. Tara, your blog has been such a comfort for me, and I am so sorry for the sadness you have already felt--but you are in my thoughts daily! As are the rest of you...
As far as our journey update: we met with our new RE last week. Great appointment--just really felt at home in his office. It's a small staff and they are close to our house, which is a plus! They are still building up a part of their office, so the actual retrieval and transfer part of IVF is done about 60 miles from us. So as you may have guessed from that statement, we are moving forward with doing our first IVF w/ I.CSI at the beginning of July. Wow. It's amazing to just type that...we had a long talk after our appointment last week--Mook was having some heavy feelings--the demon of guilt crept back in, but we were able to work through that! We have some time on our hands to work through the emotions, questions and fears that accompany this upcoming journey. We have to prepare financially and emotionally-both equally challenging! But that's why we are lucky to have this blog community--and some of my fellow cycle sista.s are joining me on the I.VF train in the next few months (Mands and Baby Blues) and many are already on the train...so make some room for us!So I'll still be around until then...just living life beyond IF. Isn't that what we all hope to do?
So to close, I'd like to open up a chance to participate in The Braces Bunch. I love snail mail--nothing is quite as exciting as opening the mail box and having some snail-mail love. I know many of us wish to have anonymity regarding our blogs, but if you would like to participate here is what I am thinking:
1. E-mail me @: firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like to participate. You don't have to include a last name, just simply:
City, State Zip
2. Please indicate if you don't mind your address being shared with others who are participating. This list will be send out in a email for all participants to send some snail mail!
3. This does not have to be fancy snail mail. I love post cards-easy to find, cheap, and postage is cheap too! (even for our international bloggers!) And I promise I am a GOOD person=) No spam, chain letters or junk will be sent!
4. Even if just one person responds, this will be a great pick-me up as many of us are in the waiting game to start a treatment, the dreaded 2ww, or just simply to make someones day.
AND Many thanks to Serenity for organizing a get-together of the bloggers who can meet-up! This an additional way to feel connected if we aren't able to financially afford the trip (or even if we can go!)
My heart goes out to anyone who have loved ones/friends at Virginia Te.ch. I grew up only 45 minutes from Black.sburg and had many friends attend the school-and have been to the campus many times. It's so difficult to comprehend tragedy like this...I do hope it helps bring people closer together.