How to Quiet the Mind

No, I don't have the magic answer....I was hoping you did. Mine sure won't shut up.

So here's the scoop: Ron is a hip hop dancer. Well, Mook says he is...

The u/s technician moves SO fast, that it's hard to see much of anything--as long as I see the heart beat flickering, I'm OK. I think I had my eyes on the hematoma when Mook saw little R "pumping his arms" and to see Mook's impression of little R, definitely made me laugh.

Ron measured on time yesterday (7w6d) with a heartbeat at 164 bpm. Still hanging around: the hematoma, which looks like exactly Pac-Man--the u/s picture is a bit too blurry to take a picture of, and since I'm not near a scanner, I'll just let you imagine it. I asked more questions about the position of the hematoma (which now measures 5cm--still haven't been told if this is small, med, large--does anyone else know what your measurements were with one of these?) and the u/s tech said it appears to be above the sac--and that although it's still a bit early to tell, she thinks the placenta is starting to form on the opposite side, which would be great. Still not a guarantee by any means, but it's something. And I am thrilled to share with you that I puked last night: my first "morning sickness" happened at 9pm last night.

The hematoma is officially being reffered to as Voldemort around here...he's scary, mean and down right evil, but he CAN BE DEFEATED. It feels so easy to type that, and I need to re-read my own words, because it's damn hard to feel positive a lot of the time.

I'm not getting much more from Dr. T as far as prognosis: just bed rest, more bed rest, waiting, scans, and cautious optimism. I am considering getting another OB in my area to take a peek--his bio states "enjoys working with uterine abnormalities and bleeding." I've also talked to my former acupuncturist--I did not do acupuncture this round, but I still have hope that nature's remedies can do a body good. He's looking into some options for me--he wants me to check with my office tomorrow about fish oil and possibly garlic.

My mommy is coming to stay with us for the next 2 days...Im extremely lucky to have a mom that is also my best friend--I am looking forward to a lot of things--talking to her about my faith in all of this, playing card games, and getting that special mommy hug. Mook has been,and continues to be, a stellar husband--but he needs a break too. He's on a "man-date" tonight, and having my mom here will cut down on his cooking duties=)

I actually went back to the OB today for my "Health Education" appointment--I was prepared for "here's what you can and can't eat." I almost fell out of the chair when she asked me:

• Will you breast or bottle feed?
  
• Will you circumcise if you have a boy?
  
• Oh and here's your hospital pre-admission form

Holy crap. I was not ready for that...I came home with a bag full of info, but I'm waiting for Mook to go through it with me. I just can't do it alone.

I go back and forth between absolute fear and acceptance. I do know that God is using this time to really teach me about control: that I really don't have any. For me, that is one of (if not THE) hardest lesson.

So I'm still on bed rest until at least August 6th. My job has been very understanding, but I know it's coming to the point where some bigger decisions need to be made--I don't want them to suffer, and I don't need to be stressed out.

Each morning when I pray, I picture all of you in the room with me--it helps me feel less alone. It's the hardest time of day for me, not knowing what the day will bring...but it brings me so much comfort to have your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate each "check-in" emails (im behind on responding) and the cards and care-packages are the best thing evvvvver. And I mean evvvver.

Closing thoughts: please continue to send SHRINKING vibes to Voldemort and GROWING vibes to Ron. And to do my part in positive thinking, I'm having Mook take a "belly" shot tonight--since I have always wanted to celebrate the 8 week mark. Nothing to see yet, but I have to have that reminder that Ron is in there...and doing his best.

And just to make you (and me) laugh, I have to share this fantastic video that Sticky Bun sent me: I LOVE it!

Definition of Me

Definition of OK: In proper or satisfactory operational or working order.

Unfortunately, that is not me.

I'm not doing OK. In fact, I'm feeling quite numb and it's so hard...

Pros as of today (7w1d)

• Ron's heart is still beating
  
• Measuring on time and has good stats
• Lack of symptoms
• Prayers of family and friends
• More bed rest

Cons as of today (7w1d)

• The hematoma is bigger
• Lack of symptoms
• Fear of the unknown
  
• More bed rest

Today was my first appointment with the OB...Mook had to be away for work, so my sweet sister offered to go with me. I was so glad to have her there--we had quite a wait, as a few patients went into labor while I was there.

Dr. T went over my file with me, and then we headed in for a cervix check. It's still closed, and long-which is good. Then I headed over to the u/s room. I could tell Ron was bigger--and spotted the heart beat, and then my eyes refocused on the other large blob. It's definitely there, definitely still causing a risk for Ron. I was really, really hoping NOT to see it at all today since I havent had any spotting at all since Sunday. I know the bed rest has helped with that. But I will most likely spot again sometime soon...

After Dr. T read the u/s results, he said we should be cautiously optimistic--he's seen bigger hematoma's where everything worked out fine. We do have to worry about it being so close to Ron. He said to continue to take it easy--but that at this point there really is nothing I can do. It's a pure waiting game. He did take me off the baby aspirin-and I stay on the same progesterone and other vitamins.

I asked him about my lack of symptoms, and he said he would be more worried if I had been having them, and they were all of a sudden gone. But I really just haven't HAD them. It's hard for me to read about most women having morning sickness by now and breast tenderness--but I just don't have it. Should I count my blessings? Yes. I've had a few food aversions, and I can't compare being tired, because Im resting all day! Am I the only one who isn't feeling anything??

It's been hard not having Mook with me today--he's on the way home now, and I just want to crawl into his arms. I am having a really hard time with bed rest--I'm an active person by nature, so the minutes tick so slowly-and that's NOT what I need right now.

They will continue to monitor me each week, which I am grateful for. I'll go back Tuesday--I'm trying really hard to center myself right now--and remember that I am not in control, no matter what the outcome. I just need all the positive vibes as possible...and we (all 3 of us!) appreciate each one.

this must have been...

...what it was like before i learned to type.

i want to say SO much, but it will have to wait a while longer, as i am still flat on my back and typing one handed.

a big thank you to Bee Cee for updating for me earlier this week--she's fabulous!

a HUGE thank you for all the thoughts, prayers and reassuring stories-i feel like a broken record saying it, but i wont ever get tired of thanking each of you. prayer is very powerful.

its been a scary week, to say the least. the heartache that comes along with getting over a huge hurdle only to land smack into a big pile of mud, is the pits. i am grateful no doubt about it-i just already love this little being so much, that i cant imagine having it taken from us.

i think God is blessing me with very little symptoms b/c of what is going on with this hemorrhage. ive only had 2 or 3 brief feelings of nausea, but thats it. and thats fine by me. the hemorrhage isn't painful, but i get pinching pains "down there" every now and then-i hope its just stretching.

this morning's appt. (6w2d) went well. GREAT news is that we saw Ron and his beating heart at 140 bpm. the not so good news is that the hemorrhage is still there-and not much smaller. it's not as "black" which means it's clotting more now-not as much free blood. so my nurse said im definitely still on bed rest until i see my ob next week.

yea, i had to get her to repeat that: until i see my ob next week. i've graduated. they really feel at this point that my ob (who deals with high risk thank goodness) will take the best care of me and ron. im supposed to call later today to find out when I get to go in.

im prepared to lay flat as long as it takes--albeit I could use some better afternoon shows, updated celebrity gossip, etc. BUT, Ill manage--whatever it takes. im also doing a lot of catching up on blog reading-please know im with all of you-just cant comment at the moment.

here's a bit of a blurry picture, but its one of the prettiest pictures ive ever seen:



PS This is a Mook favor: he is looking for anyone who has access to purchasing Chocodiles. He can only find them sold on the west coast. So any of my west coast pals that could lend a hand, we will pay for the shipping and chocodiles. Thank you!!

An Alien Has Landed...

....and I am the alien. This is not JJ and not even Mook. My name is Bee Cee and I have kidnapped JJ’s blog for the day. Some of you may know me but most of you don’t. I can be found here, on my blog, on most days, but for today, I am privileged and honoured to be writing for the Reproductive Jeans family.

JJ asked me to update you all as there has been a lot going on recently in her special corner of the world.

Ok before I start, you may need a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, but most of all a big fat listening ear...and get ready because there’s a quiz at the end that you all have to answer, as JJ needs your help.

Here we go....

For the 4^th of July weekend, Mook and JJ packed their bags and headed for the beach with JJ’s family. She arranged to have Monday as holiday too so it was a nice long weekend break away from work.

All was going swimmingly until Sunday night. She had two gushes of blood and was rushed to the ER. This was made worse by the fact she was miles away from home but she had all her family with her which was a comfort. I don’t think it is an understatement to say that JJ thought it was all over at this point.

She spent most of the night in the ER. They did an ultrasound, pelvic exam and blood culture. The great bit was she got to see Ron! It was amazing I am sure. The ultrasound lady couldn’t see any free fluid or blood but did see JJ’s cysts and what she ‘thought’ was a fibroid. The outcome was that the pelvic exam didn’t throw up any answers and her cervix was closed so the doctor sent her packing after concluding that it was an old blood pocket.

They stayed at the beach until Monday afternoon and then headed home. When JJ got home she went to the restroom and was horrified to see even more blood. A nightmare restless night followed with nothing else to do but wait until her clinic opened in the morning. I can’t imagine what was going through her head this time, just awful. She described it as the “longest night of her life”.

Tuesday morning brought a visit to the clinic. Hearts must have been racing at this point but JJ’s nurse looked after her so well and arranged for an ultrasound and blood work straight away. There was another racing heartbeat next, and it wasn’t JJ’s or Mook’s, it was Ron’s at 5w 6d!! Fantastic.

Then the scan showed a large “something”. That something turns out to be a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. The good news was that it wasn’t attached to the sack, but it is very very close so obviously is a worry. JJ says it will either dissolve or come out by itself; I am rooting for the former.

She is on strict bedrest until at least Friday when the next scan happens and then another on Monday. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed for her and Mook and Ron. She is bearing up well, naturally scared but just hoping it will all resolve itself soon.

So now for the quiz....have any of you got words of wisdom relating to Subchorionic Hemorrhages? Any happy ever after stories are gratefully received. Words of comfort are welcome too, as she will be reading this from her bed.

Well, thanks for listening all, I have been Bee Cee your Reproductive Jeans guest blogger, I hope to be back one day, but next time I hope it will be with better news.