Well, as you may have guessed, Aunt Flo dropped off her bags yesterday--and just like Baby Blues, she came a day early! What's up with that?! Damn her. I told her I didn't want her to visit anymore, but she seems to be hard headed...
I made a foolish mistake and caved--I used one of my O.pk's to test on Monday night--Dr. Google, it's your fault! I read that sometimes a positive O.pk can indicate a positive h.pt. Well guess what--I got 2 lines on my o.pk!! I let HOPE come stumbling in...Mook and I went out that night and bought some h.pt's (I balanced it out by buying a few more O.pk's so I wouldn't jinx myself). Seems I was too late. I slept GREAT on Monday night, inspired by the fact that my boobs were even a little sore PLUS the 2 lines! Tuesday morning I cheerily dropped the pee onto the stick and went back to bed for 10 minutes. I started to talk myself down a bit--I didn't have HIGH hopes of a positive--just didn't "feel" it. Then truth time: one darn line. Not even a shadow of a second. Fooey.
No tears, not even too sad (ok, I lied-of course I was sad)--almost a sense of relief to be done with the cycle. Although Aunt F.lo had not showed her ugly face yet, I knew she was coming. Sure enough late last night she arrived. Only 25 days in my cycle this month...shortest yet. So I drove to work yesterday thinking about the glass of wine I would have and the pedicure I was going to get (going today at 1!). I decided to go ahead and call my favorite nurse at Dr. D's office to let her know, and see what he suggested for this month.
The short of the long: Dr. D's honesty is much appreciated. He and kind-nurse both talked to me almost immediately after I phoned. I expressed my concern of this past non-monitored cycle--asked if we could try a monitored possibly medicated cycle. His response, "JJ, I'm just going to be honest. I don't think you and Mook should invest too much more time in this procedure. I want to refer you onto Dr. RE--I want to give you all the best chance possible to have a biological child, and i.vf with ics.i is your best shot." To quote one of my favorite movies, A Christmas St.ory, "fuuuuuuuddddgeeeeee, except I didn't say fudge." You get the picture...
Freakin' flippity frick stick!! I am joining BB in her Virtual Pity Party. But not for long...we get sad, mad and then we pick ourselves up and move on. I broke the news to Mook last night--another tough pill to swallow. It breaks my heart to hear him say, "I'm sorry I'm broken." Those words have been banished from our house! We are in this together-my ute has to behave and keep strong to host the eggs to come! I am still concerned that my L.P phase is too short--may have to get some hormone blood work done. But that will all be addressed with Dr. RE next week--thank goodness they work fast and got us in next Tuesday! I don't view this as giving up on I.UI's--we knew from the beginning that we could attempt it that way, but with the facts before us, our little swim team is going to need some help getting to the end of the race--and help we will give. ( I love you Mook-don't you ever forget it!)
With that said, we have agreed to listen, digest and think about all that Dr. RE has to say--we have A LOT to think about--our insurance covers zero. Time to start selling body parts. Depending on the plan of action, we hope to just go back to au naturel until the summer--we have trips planned and want to continue living life beyond IF!! We both want to get back in better shape--now is the time! We had dinner with our wonderful friends/neighbors last night and they have an energetic 4-year old--she reminds us how much we want that for ourselves--and also reminds us we are gonna need a lot of energy! She was the one that brought the first tears of the day to my eyes: "Ms. JJ, I want to make you a bracelet like mine, cause I love you." Ahh, kids....
So here we are. I don't think it's fair I call us "Stage VI: The Veteran Infertile" yet, but buying 2 tickets for the I.VF train may get us some sort of diploma...stick with us as we enter into this new phase. Please pray that we are able to find a way to make this work where $$ is concerned!
P.S. Thanks for ALL the great IF shirt suggestions. There will be many shirts hanging in my closet for sure!
