Life is all about balance isn't it? You lean one way, and something or someone has to lean back in order to keep you standing. But what if I want to just sit?
Well, there are definitely some days (like today) that I just feel like sitting, but I have to say that I am trying to stand, and doing my best to stay balanced mentally and physically: and my happiness challenge is helping with both! My ticker to the right is moving, albeit slowly sometimes, but it's moving....and I am loving my morning walks. The temperatures are cooling, and I can't believe I let other things (like sleep!) keep me from having that "me" time in the early hours of the day.
A difficult thing happens on my walk: as I finish, I come around the corner towards my house, and it's the time when the school bus is stopping at my corner. Where my child could be boarding the bus. But it's an empty bus stop. Last year when I was being good about walking, this corner stop made me giddy-I had such happy thoughts about envisioning little JJ or little Mook getting on that bus. This year that empty stop is a reminder of 2 things: the baby I don't have, and the weight I have put on because of infertility.
There have been quite a few of you talking about the tighter pants, and this morning I was forced (Ill get to that in a minute) to get on a scale-and its the largest number I've ever seen. That just makes me screamin' mad! Because I know that its all IF related. What a lovely kick in the pants (ha, pun intended) that I have gained the weight, and now it's reminder of what I don't have. Food is definitely my comfort-I get excited when I think about going out to a restaurant I love--it's literally a chemical endorphin in my brain, and I have dealt with keeping it at bay for many years! I guess it will always be a battle...but my pants need to fit again!
So the reason I had to weigh myself this morning: it was my annual exam at my obgyn. Let me just tell you how excited (not so much) I was to go in this morning. First, let's talk about the name of my practice: _____ OBGYN & Infertility. Of course when I started going there, I didn't think about the last half of the name. But of course now...well, you get the idea. I am thankful they have been able to work with us up until referring us to an actual RE-my Doc moved very quickly to get things rolling for us. So no complaints. But oh lordy, today there was a full waiting room-all round, perfect, ready-to-pop bellies. There were a few of us with flat (umm, mine's not so flat) stomach's. I got called back pretty quickly, thank goodness-another plus. So then it's time to step on the scale. Yikes...I mean I was prepared for the worst, but not that number. Phooey. Then into the exam room: full and I mean full of baby pictures, announcements, etc. I almost started crying-but Doc was back in the room. And into the stirrups I went-the first time since ER. Then all he wants to do is chat while he's excevating my cervix...thanks, but I'll just lay here and stare at the ceiling.
So an empty bus stop and a full waiting room-both reminders of a long, hard and painful road, but a journey that's not over yet. No one has physically handed me a piece of paper that states I have to or need to stop dreaming of having my child wait for that bus, and being that ready-to-pop woman in the waiting room. So I promise to start turning that corner with a smile back on my face, and I will make more of an effort not to sneer when I see a bulging belly headed my way=)
OH! And just to make you shake your head: check out this article. AND do I have permission to delete an email from ba.by zone called:
"When everyone is pregnant.........except you"