Well, there are definitely some days (like today) that I just feel like sitting, but I have to say that I am trying to stand, and doing my best to stay balanced mentally and physically: and my happiness challenge is helping with both! My ticker to the right is moving, albeit slowly sometimes, but it's moving....and I am loving my morning walks. The temperatures are cooling, and I can't believe I let other things (like sleep!) keep me from having that "me" time in the early hours of the day.
But.....
A difficult thing happens on my walk: as I finish, I come around the corner towards my house, and it's the time when the school bus is stopping at my corner. Where my child could be boarding the bus. But it's an empty bus stop. Last year when I was being good about walking, this corner stop made me giddy-I had such happy thoughts about envisioning little JJ or little Mook getting on that bus. This year that empty stop is a reminder of 2 things: the baby I don't have, and the weight I have put on because of infertility.
There have been quite a few of you talking about the tighter pants, and this morning I was forced (Ill get to that in a minute) to get on a scale-and its the largest number I've ever seen. That just makes me screamin' mad! Because I know that its all IF related. What a lovely kick in the pants (ha, pun intended) that I have gained the weight, and now it's reminder of what I don't have. Food is definitely my comfort-I get excited when I think about going out to a restaurant I love--it's literally a chemical endorphin in my brain, and I have dealt with keeping it at bay for many years! I guess it will always be a battle...but my pants need to fit again!
So the reason I had to weigh myself this morning: it was my annual exam at my obgyn. Let me just tell you how excited (not so much) I was to go in this morning. First, let's talk about the name of my practice: _____ OBGYN & Infertility. Of course when I started going there, I didn't think about the last half of the name. But of course now...well, you get the idea. I am thankful they have been able to work with us up until referring us to an actual RE-my Doc moved very quickly to get things rolling for us. So no complaints. But oh lordy, today there was a full waiting room-all round, perfect, ready-to-pop bellies. There were a few of us with flat (umm, mine's not so flat) stomach's. I got called back pretty quickly, thank goodness-another plus. So then it's time to step on the scale. Yikes...I mean I was prepared for the worst, but not that number. Phooey. Then into the exam room: full and I mean full of baby pictures, announcements, etc. I almost started crying-but Doc was back in the room. And into the stirrups I went-the first time since ER. Then all he wants to do is chat while he's excevating my cervix...thanks, but I'll just lay here and stare at the ceiling.
So an empty bus stop and a full waiting room-both reminders of a long, hard and painful road, but a journey that's not over yet. No one has physically handed me a piece of paper that states I have to or need to stop dreaming of having my child wait for that bus, and being that ready-to-pop woman in the waiting room. So I promise to start turning that corner with a smile back on my face, and I will make more of an effort not to sneer when I see a bulging belly headed my way=)OH! And just to make you shake your head: check out this article. AND do I have permission to delete an email from ba.by zone called:
"When everyone is pregnant.........except you"
Great post!!! I'm so sorry you haven't gotten your chance to have your bulging baby belly. I really do hope it's soon! But in the meantime, know that you're not alone in your feelings!!!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how many reminders there are out there?
I hope you get your big baby belly soon!!
ah, the cooling temps... boy do i wish i could feel those. Cheers to you for gettin up with the chickens and going for "you time walks"
ReplyDeleteYour post is so spot-on. Thank you for writing it.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you started walking again in the mornings. It will do wonders for your outlook on the day. Pg bellies notwithstanding. At least they didn't make you wait for forever in the waiting room - whew!
That article - jesus! If only life were that easy, that we could conceive AND win a new car, all on a planned date. Bastards.
ReplyDeleteGood post though - on the weight and the bus stop taunting you, so there with you. Hvae only been chubbier once (thanks IF!) and ohhhh the things that mock me! How I used to stare and get giddy, and now, not so much, just there to taunt and remind. Fun stuff eh?
That was such a great post. I am glad you're going to greet the bus stop with a smile.
ReplyDeleteYES - delete that email. Asses.
Now, why is Conception Day during my imposed freakin' "pelvic rest?" That just seems like a taunt!
ReplyDeleteI hate fertility treatment related weight gain and reminders of what we are missing!
Wishing you a full baby belly in the future.
1) send that email right to spam
ReplyDelete2) conception day...fantastic, I'll get right on it.
3) my posts today were almost identical to yours. At trip to the gyno, the biggest number ever on the scale
Good luck with the weight loss. We'll get those numbers down, I know we will!!
Of all the crappy extra things that go with IF, weight gain is one of the worst. Not to mention having to see pregnant women at your doctor's office. That's one of the reasons I want to switch. I'm tired of seeing pregnant 15 year olds every time I go for blood work. It's just depressing. I'll be keeping you in my prayers that your bulging belly days come sooner rather than later! :)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely delete the email.
great post, JJ. i'm glad you got out of that waiting room quickly. it's so terrible to have to wait in those environments. and most definitely -- delete that email!
ReplyDeleteI know that scale battle all too well.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are enjoying your morning walks and hope you will soon be at that bus stop waving goodbye to your child.
((hugs)) Lovely post. I hated (still do) going to the OB/GYN's and seeing all the pregnant ladies because I know they had a WAY easier time than us to get pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI really really hope your time is soon.
I can't believe that article...that's crazy! I'm glad you're able to find some peaceful time for yourself in the morning walks. I still glare at the bulging bellies in the OB office waiting area, and it's probable that I might be one of them in a few months. IF scars us for life, snatching that bit of happiness and optimism and filling us with cynicism. It sounds like you're fighting the good fight, and your turn will come soon! In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteIf only the balance included 2 positives for every one negative. That balance never seems to work itself into the equation. :(
ReplyDeleteI did see that article and really just found it astounding.
*Thank you for the nice comments.
All of these are things that really stress me out too. Very thoughtful post.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you... I've been on this radical diet for the past few months. Lots of green salads, no starch, no sugar, no dairy. And I've lost no weight. what the heck? My SIL's first comment when she heard I was changing my diet was "Is it to lose weight?"
ReplyDeleteIF just screws with us, in all sorts of ways.
I think it's great you can get up and walk in the mornings- to bad that bus stop is there being an ugly reminder. Stupid bus stop! I hope it turn into a positive motivation soon though- you'll get there...
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the waiting room... there is nothing I hate more then sitting in my ob's office waiting for b/w to make sure my betas are falling after a m/c. Ugh... I hope it's your turn soon to have a big fat belly!
This post made me cry because it is exactly how I am feeling at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI have spent the last eight months getting fatter and unhappier about my appearance, and still no baby.
I admire you for starting to exercise, I think I will do the same. Eating well and drinking a gajillion litres of water a day clearly isn't working.
This is one of those moments when I feel so sad for you, but so glad that I am not alone in this.
Oh, JJ, I feel for you so when you describe these two scenes. I've been in the exact same situation more than once. It's such a marked contrast that it's hard to miss. You've captured it beautifully. Really hope some day you have a little one to walk to the bus station...oxoxox
ReplyDeleteThat article made me throw up a little. Are they serious?! And I can't believe people ACTUALLY won something from that...if only it were that easy for all of us.
ReplyDeleteI also loved your post. I hope that your walking routine continues to balance your mind and body. Kudos to you for staying positive. It is so hard but you have a great attitude and sometimes that makes all the difference.
Here's to us both dropping some lbs!
I haven't had an annual exam in, um, three years now? Wow, I guess I'll have to drag myself to the ob/gyn, but I'm just not looking forward to it! Your experience serves to remind me why I'm so behind.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoy the morning time for walks, although I'm hoping it will continue to cool down so I can take lunch-time walks... it's almost there!
Oh dear lord, is that article for real? OMG. And yes delete away :).
ReplyDeleteI loved this post! Your doing well on your happiness routine. Not going so well for me...I am a slacker! As for the e-mail, ugh, so horrid!
ReplyDeleteHugs Hugs Hugs! I hate school season because the school buses and kids waiting at the bus stops are just PaINFUL reminders! We are there with you girl!
ReplyDeleteThis post made my eyes fill with tears. People used to always tell me that it would happen for me and I hated hearing that- how do they know anyway? But JJ, I have learned something in blogland- it does happen for us and recently it has happened for a lot of us. There is hope and you have so many strong women around you to cheer you on. Please, don't give up on your dream- there is infertile proof all around you that shows that sometimes dreams really come true.
ReplyDeleteWhen you wrote "my ticker to the right is moving" ... I sat there, staring at the cartoon pic of YOU, waiting for it to move. For about a minute - thought maybe your arms cleverly move around slowly or something. Then realised you meant your WALKING ticker. Hehe hehe.
ReplyDeleteThought I'd share ... just to make you smile.
I see you leaving so many comments for everyone - we are ALL here for you too.
Have a lovely weekend. :)
Baby making day contest? I never thought I'd find a contest I was LESS likely to win than super powerball. But there's one!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the empty. I know.
JJ,
ReplyDeleteTo quote a cliche...you can't control your situation, but you can control the way you react to it...
This is the key. And it sounds to me as if you are making choices right now. You are choosing to make the effort to be positive and have hope. It is a big deal and very difficult to do so. It requires a considerable amount of inner strength. Sounds to me like you have that strength.
Keep making these choices. They are going to get you through the hard times.
This one was so poignant it really hits home and I HEAR you!!! Empty and full, there's always some reminder of that status we're all trying desperately to achieve. As difficult as I thought IVF would be, it hasn't been. But realizing you've used the most advanced techniques known to man to try to achieve pregnancy and haven't yet made it- this hits me like a ton of bricks. No, I'm not there yet, but getting stark white POAS's isn't out of the question. I'm so sorry for you. I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteugh...on the email, and the baby pictures. There are so many painful reminders of IF everywhere.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and Mook...and more than anything hope that you get your turn very soon.
thinking of you...
Oh I understand completely about the extra weight that should be baby weight but is IF weight. I'm in the same boat. So happy you are getting yourself out and walking. Me, I'm doing the diet thing -- going pretty good so far.
ReplyDeleteTake care and keep walking. Sunshine and cool weather can do a body good.
I think the moment we stop dreaming and wishing and hoping is when it's all over.
ReplyDeleteYou continue to do what you have to. That's all any of us can do to get through this nightmare.
i'm so sorry JJ, we all relate so well to this post. you've really captured it perfectly. i have definitely had both the bus stop and the annual exam moments. all in all, it sounds like you have such an amazing handle on it all.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post.
ReplyDeletePlase keep dreaming and stading tall JJ...
Well said. Our day will come, I just know it.
ReplyDeletecan we get a free IVF if we try to make a baby but don't?
ReplyDeletehmmm.
sorry IF sucks so much. REALLY. ; )
The reminders are everywhere. I hope that you are next.
ReplyDeleteI hate the reminders everywhere - but I really don't like them at the OB/GYN's. That's where I'm currently doing all my "work" and I rarely walk out of there on busy days without crying. Seeing all the big bellies and pictures just reminds me of everything that I want but don't have. Sorry you have to pass the bus stop but am glad you're still walking! Keep it up! I'm slacking on my happiness challenge.
ReplyDeleteThe reminders are terrible. Push me further over the edge each freaking time! I feel you :)
ReplyDeleteAs for my weight gain and doc appointments--I haven't seen my weight number in years. I turn my head and tell the nurse I don't want to know. I know I'm fat. I don't need one more number floating around in my head making me feel like crap.
Just something fun I've found recently to recommend:
ReplyDeleteN.ike makes a sensor/receiver that connects to the i.pod nano that you can use to track time, distance, pace, and calories through your nano! It's really fun! You calibrate it to your pace (walking or running), and it lets you play any playlist, and the voice-lady comes on and says (for instance) "1 mile down, 1/2 mile to go." It's been great for me!
Beautiful post - that feeling is so powerful.
ReplyDeleteDoes everyone in Russia ovulate on the same day?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you have to walk by the empty bus stop every day but really excited for you that you're doing the walks.
I'll see you this weekend! And I'll ruin that diet with chocolate croissants.
The day we got my husband's initial terrible test results, I waited in a waiting room like that for an HOUR. Ouch.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the walk brings such mixed emotions. I hope it has a good impact on your waistline.
Great post! I have lost close to 50 pounds that I packed on thanks to IF... and you can do it, too!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. :) I'm sharing your sentiments on the weight issue, the school buses, the pregnant women popping up when I don't have my shield with me etc etc. Thinking of you :)
ReplyDeleteI LOVED meeting you today!!!
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the weight battle. I really admire your resolve to be active and to round that corner with a smile on your face. I hope and pray that one day we will get to experience the full belly that leads to the full bus stop. Can't think of a more deserving bunch. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI was never so appauled by an article since I read the one in the Washington Post about how our mother-in-laws are to blame for not eating well during their pregnancy causing sperm issues in our husbands. Where DO these "writers" come from! It just goes to show you that Russia still has some catching up to do.
ReplyDeleteI am still on the fence whether I am more appreciative with what I have gone through to get pregnant, or if it has made me apprehensive about the pregnancy in general. I am leaning towards the later. I have become quite the nervous nelly! I pray that your bump arrives soon and that bus is a reminder of your future not your present. And by the way, I had gained over 20 pounds during my year of IVF stuff. The good news is that I am 16 weeks and I am still at my weight I was at transfer. Maybe I have a fat muncher inside of me instead!!
(((huggs)))
A
Back to school is so hard! Thanks for the great post.
ReplyDeleteHi Janel! I'm behind reading everyone's blogs because I've been traveling, but I wanted to stop by and give you a great big virtual hug and thank you for the CD!!!! I nearly fell over when I heard the songs you sang...please please tell me you actually work in the music industry because you have a BEAUTIFUL voice!!!!!! You were so thoughtful to put that cd together and I LOVE IT! It's already been downloaded to my ipod! You're the greatest!!!! :) OH and I'm considering it a birthday present because I got it on the day before my 40th!
ReplyDeleteJJ, even though you haven't updated in a few days I just wanted to stop by and send some (((hugs))) your way for sending the CD. It totally made my day. I was just heading out the door to go to work and my dh gave me the mail. I opened it up in the car and immediately smiled. Thank you so much, I love it!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope you have a wonderful week.
ReplyDeleteI will be sending you a more adequate Thank You for the CD, but I just wanted to let you know that it had great timing! I was having a bad day, and even before I listened to it, it was just such a wonderful package to come home to! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all...delete away girl.
ReplyDeleteYou said so much of that so well. Very sad about the places that used to give us so much hope now just suck it out. I am glad you are trying to remember the happiness that bus stop offered....I can't wait until it is little JJ or little Mook.
As for that whole food thing...I have the same endorphan....I swear. One of my biggest vices are nice tasty restaurants....and I love it. Very comforting.
Hey, I can relate with the weight gain and IF. The 1st year we were TTC I was an emotional basket case and every time I saw that AF was getting close or arriving I would pig out to dampen the blow. In our 1st year of marriage I gained about 20lbs. Moving to VA in the beginning of this year has been a lifesaver for me. I have taken care of myself and enjoyed my surroundings as a result I am very close to my goal weight and only have 5 more lbs to go. I still go through funks but a lot less than usual. Exercising clears my brain and gives me feel good endorphins - I love it, it is my drug!
ReplyDelete