Thursday, October 4, 2007

Kindness is...


Many thanks to April for the "sweet" gift, just when I needed it most--and sadly, right after this picture was taken, the right corner mysteriously disappeared...........

Ok, so I admit it gals (and gents): I'm at that place where I feel like I'm waving at everyone as they run past me, sitting on the curb holding my knees. Saturday's events have continued to haunt me more than I would like--I would do the same thing again, but it's been a painful reminder this week. Yes, hormones are playing a part since the dear aunt is due anytime now...

I tell you all we are fine, that we are enjoying this "down time", which we are....but.

But....
I can be sitting at my desk, driving home from work, or brushing my teeth, and I get this feeling that I can't breathe. It's not fun. I get sad, I get scared-pretty darn scared. What if this doesn't happen for us?

I don't like sitting still-it's not in my DNA to be idle-just ask Mook. I'm always looking ahead, planning for something, and since we are just sort of idling right now, it makes me a bit antsy, bitter and sad. It makes it hard for me to be joyful for others. It makes me wallow in self pity. And that is not who I like to be. I like to be a helper, a confidant, a shoulder...but I guess after a while, a helper needs to be helped-right? (heeeeelp)

So I need to re-group a bit-I need to be OK with being still....



Hello to the new blogs I found through Lori's Chain: I started at Von's blog and got to: Tracy then to Meg then onto Lut C and then to SquarePeg and lastly to SoCo Glad to have "linked" over to all of you!

39 comments:

  1. Thinking of you .. praying for you more!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Here to help the helper!

    Being benched is hard, it makes me feel like I'm not working towards my goal

    I hope you take your time to re-group and are at peace (and able to breathe) with whatever comes your way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's so tough to be okay with being still. Honestly, I don't do that well myself.

    What a great looking treat!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know just how you are feeling. It's like you can't win either way - staying still or moving ahead. Or maybe if you want to be positive about it, you can't lose.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know how that feels, and I sympathize. It's so hard to accept, and so hard to just sit idly by. It is important to get past that stage to a more peaceful place for your own sanity.
    I hope you find peace very soon, JJ. You will be a mommy - I can feel it in my waters :-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. The cake looks divine. Hope the rest of it mysteriously dissappears, too :)

    Sorry about the benched-ness, it is beyond hard to wait out time.

    J

    ReplyDelete
  7. I relate to this feeling well. I think of it as being stuck. But I can never decide where I am stuck. It is a huge mindgame when you are sitting on the bench.

    I hope the cookie/cake/brownie or whatever it is (it looks AMAZING) helps you feel a little better!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh my gosh I am so where you are. I know we talked about this before but really I could barely breathe today. Yep you know about the 7 preggos at work. Well now my best friend who has been dealing with IF and 3 m/c found out she is pregnant too. I am so happy for her but here I sit being left behind. It hurts.

    HUGS to us both. Of to finish that bottle of wine I started the other day. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm working on my own version of a cd for you and the bunch. I think it's interesting to see the music that makes all of us feel connected to the emotions that come with infertility.

    That chocolate looks divine!

    Sorry that being still is so tough. To be honest, I stink at doing "nothing" too. I'm with you girl!

    ReplyDelete
  10. JJ, what great blogs you chain linked!

    I visited them all and left comments. Some fascinating stories out there by amazing women (and I count you as one)!

    Thanks for participating. I'll post your experience on Saturday.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's like getting picked last for a team. I know the feeling.

    I also completly understand the not wanting to be idle. I struggle/ed with that so very much. There was about 8-9 months where nothing was happening. I was wanting to put something through a wall!

    I hope that tasty treat helps give you something to look forward to :) Hang in there you will find your way...

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are an amazing person who I am honored to have as a part of my support system, but you should know that I'm always here if you need someone to chat with, vent to, or just talk about music with. I know it's difficult, but I'm thinking of you!

    I was just listening to my CD today (yours is on the way, I promise!) and I was thinking about how great it is that we all have each other to experience this with.

    You have a great voice by the way. We should do a CD swap often. I like it! :)HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm the same way about staying still. It's so hard. And more than that, so unfair. Please know I'm thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I totally can relate to how you feel. For 2 years we talked and talked and seemed to do nothing concerning the "possible" infertility (it was "possible" for so long--we just could not believe it). There were nights I just laid in bed and cried and cried. I thought of those times during some of those songs on the CD you made.

    Its hard to be where you are right now. BUT, soon you will be off and running again, and you and Mook may stumble again, but you'll get up and run AGAIN and AGAIN...and you will make it.

    It will happen.

    ReplyDelete
  15. First my dear JJ, thank you for offering to knock a few heads together on my behalf. You're a true pal.

    Now for you, I'd like to do the same to those demons that are tormenting you. Here's hoping the gorgeous looking chocolate released some great endorphins for you. You've more than earned some happy thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh how I know what you are talking about. That glass, um bottle, that we need to share is long overdue. I am sending a virtual glass your way and I hope that for just a moment we can be okay.

    Bigger, better things are in our immediate future...they just have to be.

    ReplyDelete
  17. It is really scary to be doing nothing. I'm with you on that. I understand that fear that can come out of nowhere and just grip you.


    I hope you find some peace to see you through the next few months.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I've been reading your blog for a while but never really posted a comment, guess there's a first time for anything right? I totally agree w/how you are feeling, I too am "idling" (i think that's how you spell it) It's hard to see everyone pass you by and you are just taking a break. We decided to take a much needed break from our last failed IVF but will try again in march08. In the mean time like you I walk and am trying to just stay sane. If you can look into acupuncture, i'm doing it and it's helped me w/stress. sorry for the long commment.......

    ReplyDelete
  19. The mere sight of chocolate makes me smile. Yum! I'm drooling over my keyboards right now.

    I just sent my version of my soundtrack mix through snail mail. I hope it gets to you, let me know once you get it.

    Take your time to re-group and be still. I get darn scared too. Just know that this sinking feeling, and the sadness that goes with it, will pass. And yes, it helps to keep busy and preoccupied.

    ReplyDelete
  20. waiting is the hardest part. I feel like all I have done this past year is wait and wait and wait.

    wait for AF, wait to start stims, wait for a call from RE, wait for ET, wait for the cyst to go away, and, of course, the 2ww. ugh. 2006 and 2007 just sort of...never happened. I'm living in a constant state of idle anticipation.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I SO know how you feel. Ugh. Oh, JJ, hang in there and keep believing that one way or another, you WILL be a mom. You might be on a path that is uniquely you, but you WILL get there.

    Just a bit of assvice but I find that engaging in activities where you have to be wholly-present help alleviate that "planning" feeling. And, I should know, I am a planner if nothing else. Learning to be okay with where you are right now is super hard. Please don't beat yourself up about it. thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yup, ants in your pants syndrome, very familiar to it!

    Smoochy, huggy, hugs and a big X :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. JJ, you are on my thoughts...I know how you're feeling. You are such a special person. You Cd make me cry, laugh and everything in between . Loved the selection!!! loved you song. It has been on my mind constantly. I think that I already know the lyrics...
    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hey! Thanks for the comment (on my blog). ;) Mmmm, chocolate! lol

    PS If you still have any of those bracelets for sale, I would like one. What infertility charity are you donating to??

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes, that feeling that the world is passing you by is awful. SO many of my friends kids have arrived during our time of "trying".
    I love the idea of the blog chain. Must give it a go when I get some time.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I know how hard it is to feel like you are sitting still when all you want to do is move toward the goal. AND the goal line keeps moving. I have been having those whispering doubts lately. It has taken awhile, but the little whispering voice inside of me is getting louder and more insistent. I am still trying to ignore that voice, but "You will never be a mother. . . " keeps going through my head. I hope I am wrong for myself. I hope you are wrong for you. This has to happen. For both of us.

    ReplyDelete
  27. First off - thanks for the "prescription". It's just what the doctor ordered. And I was chatting with some other ladies who were told to slow down and lead less stressful lives. They actually felt so empty from it that they wonder if it's really an across the board thing. Just like Ritalin can either chill you out or really make you rammy depending on your chemical makeup. Sorry that you're watching the world at the moment. With a voice like yours, the world should be watching you!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Sitting still is difficult. Seeing other people running while you have to sit still is even harder. No good advice--just a hug.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ummm .... it's about the chocolate. Was that real? Is it an American, Hersheys thing? More importantly .... exactly how big was it?? YUMMO!!!

    Seriously JJ - thinking of you and sending wonderful wishes from Down Under. xoxoxoxoox

    ReplyDelete
  30. Sorry you're feeling this way. It sucks, I know. We only took the last 2 cycles off and it was so hard. I can't imagine taking all the time that you are taking - you are really, really, really stronger & more patient than me. I admire that! Will be thinking of you!

    PS. Still lovin' the CD. My Hubby likes #15. He got his guitar out and played along yesterday.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm not one for sitting still either. I need to feel productive or I will go ape shit after a day. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to watch everyone else move on while you are benched. I've been there when I had my ovarian cyst and it sucks.

    I'm sending lots of peace and good vibes your way so you can be more at ease with your downtime.

    (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  32. JJ I'm just cathcing up on your journey and wanted to say I'm thinking of you ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  33. Hi Janel!!!! Has anyone told you that you are the greatest???? I LOVE my prescription bottle you sent me!!!! LOVE IT! It was so thoughtful and I really appreciate it!!! Love you Janel!

    ReplyDelete
  34. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm also not one to sit still, JJ, means I have too much time to think. Keeping busy keeps the bad stuff at bay.

    I know it's good for you though and so is a huge hunk of yummy choc - so hope that helps, a little

    Thinking of you xx

    ReplyDelete
  36. by far the hardest times for me have been when i was on hold, just waiting, feeling like the rest of the world was passing by while i was just stuck. i think we've all been there, and it sucks.

    it's so much easier when you feel like you're doing something. it's like the energy has to go somewhere. when we took our year off, i spent ALL my time and energy planning various massive life shake-ups, some of which nearly broke down our marriage. when the year was over and we were back to IVF, all that energy finally had somewhere to go.

    okay, you can have your blog back now. just wanted to say we are all so with you! and you deserve to be helped for sure because you have done LOADS for so many others!

    ReplyDelete
  37. If it helps, I'm feeling the same in that there seem to be a lot of positives out there and I'm sitting her twiddling my thumbs waiting for IVF to begin next month. Doh de doh de doh...

    Hang in there:-(

    ReplyDelete
  38. It is hard being stuck. If I'm not out there sprinting full on I feel helpless. I'm thinking of you - also please don't beat yourself up for self-pity because this stuff is really, really painful and horribly hard.

    ReplyDelete
  39. You and I are on almost the exact same schedule! I feel you on the sense of being sidelined. It is nice to take a break, but I always want to be doing something too. I hope we can both find a way to live in the present and not fear the future.

    ReplyDelete

There is nothing like a good pair of jeans; they shape us, support us and make us look our best. I'd love for you to share your jeans with me!