Thursday, April 24, 2008

What I learned for $40

Mook here with the most recent rendition of our topsy-turvy ride we call: gettin' knocked up...

So, I'm a pretty laid back guy. It takes a lot to get to me and even more to really piss me off (these factors will be handy for any empathy with the rest of this story). There are also a few life lessons listed below that you ladies might want to share with your hubby.

Being the ever prepared woman I fell in love with, JJ made a list of questions for me to ask this new "guru of the junk," making sure to include every detail since I really have no idea what have of the abbreviations mean. Of course, to calm her nerves, I had to call the main office number to confirm that A) the office closest to my work was available for the appointment and B) that all of the previously mentioned tests and analysis' could be performed with the utmost speed of a ninja. All of which had a residing positive response. JJ's mind was now at ease.

Well today was one of those days. The time had come for my prearranged "male private time in a public place." So, giddy as I was, I made my way across town to the newly recommended "peni handler".

Lesson number one: say no, no to any new docto'; Stick with what you know...

I filled out all the new paper work, sat in the impossible-comfort chairs, read the four month old magazines (which all seem to be female themed), and paid my waiting dues to the respective waiting room of said new doctor. About 30 minutes into my comfort seeking, my name was called. I made my way back to the exam room. (There's just something completely unnerving about sitting on a paper covered table/bench/bed/leaning post. - I was going for a combo, resembling that of the infamous cafegymatorium...but alas).

Anyway, my man shows up about twenty minutes later. Behind him was the intern. That's right, the intern. I have no problem with people learning, especially in the medical profession; but really, why today? Why me? Is my crotch odd in appearance or was I just the absolute perfect male specimen who was having his twig and berries checked out???? (I opted to believe the latter of these scenarios).

We then go through the normal questions that everyone gets with a new doctor. The doctor asked what kind of trouble I was having. "Well doc, my boys don't seem to like to swim." Dazed and apparently clearing an inner ear issue, the doctor just gazes over at me and responds, "Have you been seen for this before?" A little confused myself, I told him yes, and I explained again that this was a follow up visit for more current numbers and blood work since I had done all the "romance in a cup" and blood samples before and the only reason for my visit with him today was to accomplish those tiny sample provisions on JJ's provided checklist. He proceeded with some small talk and asked me to drop the shorts for a little examination. I did the ole turn and cough bit thinking how easy this was gonna be. Boy was I wrong...

Lesson number two: Never under any circumstance think a visit to a urologist will be easy.

Next he murmured, "Now turn around and place your elbows on the table." At that point I knew... The dreaded test was a comin' my way

Lesson number three and four: Never shake a doctors hand but always make sure the hands you aren't shaking are small...

Then he blew me away with the response, "Well, none of those tests can be done here. You'll have to go to another office with a lab for that." This was my second point of (pardon the pun) irritable bowl syndrome. I mean I did, in fact, make a phone call to this particular doctor, at this particular locale to be sure that all of these items would be handled at this particular appointment. Had I been mislead?? Luckily the receptionist was nice enough to make some calls and found a nearby lab for just such things.

Unfortunately, when the order was faxed for my requested test profile to the new place, neglect and disarray fell on me yet again. Here I was with a freshly filled cup of man juice and no protocol for what was needed. So I went back into my spiel of infertility and the need of some current data. Fortunately, the lab lady was a great person with a true connection to this Infertile-Myrtle lifestyle and she saw the look of discomfort and frustration on my face and took pity on me. She took all my bodily fluid samples and that was that. "It'll all get straight somewhere. Don't you worry about it." I love nice people!

So $40 later and a whole new meaning to the term "taking one for the team," I think I'll start drawing up plans for my own paper-free cafegymatorium...


  1.'s the way to go! :)

    I'm sorry it was such a hassle! My husband once had to call up his mother (the lab director) to MAKE her MAKE THEM take his sperm. I say this to make you feel better about standing there with your...uhm...specimen in hand while they mucked it up. At least you weren't having to call and whine to your mother! lol

    Glad it all got sorted out!

  2. mook, you are da man. what a pain. I hope everything turns out ok. thanks for sharing your story.

    the last time my hub had to do a test he went to a satellite office and was mortified when they screamed out his name with details in front of the whole waiting room. (totally illegal and violated his privacy rights.) he stormed out and would never have been so tolerant as you were.

    good luck! ~luna

  3. AH Man. Way to "take one for the team". I beleive you have earned bonus points - or get out of dishes card for one night!

  4. I just love your posts. Makes you want to just scream, eh? :-)

  5. What a hassle, but, good to hear that men can get screwed just as much as women, I was beginning to think it was strictly reserved for us.

  6. Ack! So, did they get the stuff tested?? Did they get it to the lab within the alotted 30 minutes?? I'm anxious to hear...

  7. That so sucks! I don't think I'll share this post with my husband, he will freak out. You handled it much better than he would have. ;)

  8. Sorry for Mook! What a hassle!

  9. LOL, my hubby had an intern too and she, yes SHE was young and cute and did some feeling around herself. He was quite mortified! Glad it's all over with for you. You are a good husband!

  10. Hi Mook, good to see you on the pc...I'm used to looking at you in the Wii bowling alley or the baseball pitch!

    What a bummer your appointment was!! Hope the results come out swimmingly.

  11. I really liked reading your post. I'm sorry that you had to take one for the team...definiitely should get you out of some housework this weekend as Farah said!

  12. My husband agrees about the magazines in the waiting room. he was looking for a copy of Popular mechanics at the ob office and wondered why all he could find was conceive and parenting. I am sorry you had difficult time at the doctor's office. Hopefully the lab lady will get it all worked out and everything will be good.

  13. Wow. You truly took one for the team. What a fabulous husband you are.

  14. Oh what hoops you had to jump through. You are a very brave man taking that all on.

    I'm glad that you finally met with someone willing to help who also understood that frustration and embarrassment of the situation.

  15. what a nightmare! i hope you get good least it's nice to be moving forward. (more so AFTER the appointments than during)

  16. Oh my - they do that stuff to the dudes too???

    If it makes you feel any better, Mook, my RE once called an intern in to declare, "Take a look at THESE ovaries..." Yeah, never a comforting situation.

  17. Mook, thank you for the male perspective! I will have my husband read this too, as he also has problems with his swimmers.

    I am glad that things got sorted out and you are alive to tell the tale afterwards. :)

  18. JJ, my thoughts on PIO versus suppositories: I hate both of the them, but I loathe the PIO shots. My ass is still recovering from the last shot I took in early March. They were sometimes, but not always, painful when administered, depending on the day. Sometimes there was blood after, sometimes there wasn't. I didn't really bruise or form lumps per se, but the tissue in my ass did develop a different consistency from constant stabbing and oil injecting and is still healing. And once they started, I was constantly noticing how sore the muscle was, standing, walking, climbing stairs, sitting in a chair. It was a constant annoyance. I noticed I was much more tired on PIO and my boobs were really sore. On the plus side, DH had to be involved which made me feel like I wasn't taking the entire burden of all the meds for a change. And it was only once a day for the actual shot. The plus side of being tired on PIO was that I slept like the dead every night. Not something I take for granted these days.

    The suppositories are honestly not that bad. They are a bit messy (but nothing compared to viagra as I recently discovered) and inconvenient because you have to constantly wear panty liners and you have to insert them 3 times a day, spaced at even intervals. For me, this meant that I would recline for an hour a day at work every day while on them. I told my boss I had a medication that required me to lie down for an hour and he didn't have any issues with it. I brought in a cushy yoga mat and my ipod, shut and locked the door to my office and turned out the lights each afternoon at 2pm. It was a lovely break to the day, but I did get some funny looks. I'm still debating whether I will go through this ritual again this cycle, or just kind of slink down in my chair for awhile each day. I also didn't really notice any side effects from the suppositories. No sore boobs and no fatigue. And best of all, no sore ass.

    For some people, I think it is mortifying to have to stick something up their hooha 3 times a day, but I'm an old pro at this by now between estrace, prometrium and viagra. It's the most action I've gotten in months!


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