My Garden

This past weekend was a peek into what spring is like in the south: rainy and cold in the morning, clouds then full sun by the afternoon, crisp evenings.

Mook and I spent both Saturday and Sunday cleaning up our yard (in layers of clothes as we dealt with the chill, then the heat!) and pruning the shrubs and trees that needed tidying. This year we decided to add something to our yard-duties...

We've lived in our house for four years, and when each spring approaches, Mook asks if I want to plant a garden. I always laugh and remind him that I do not have a green thumb--it's more of a brownish-black color--I have never had luck keeping plants alive indoors or outdoors. So this weekend was the perfect time for him to ask the question yet again: "Do you want to plant a garden this year?"

Except this year my answer was different: "Yes, I would love to have a garden." After I reassured Mook numerous times that I was not joking, we got out a piece of paper and mapped out the location, what we would plant, and took off for Lowes to load up the truck-bed.

I love my new garden.

It almost sounds silly to admit, but I find myself thinking about it numerous times a day--I'm proud to say I have a garden. Are the tomato's going to grow? Will I have plums this year? When will the blueberries be ready? Part of my joy comes from the work that Mook and I put into the garden together: it was our sweat, blistered hands, and aching backs that planted this garden that will grow and provide us with fruits and vegetables. Of course I worry that my brownish-black thumb will keep us from enjoying these "fruits of our labor" later this summer, but if I hadn't planted them-we would never know.

I've looked at our next steps in a very similar way. If I say: "No, I don't want to try again right now": I don't have to worry about a failure, I don't have to worry if our embryos will grow, I don't have to think about what they would grow to become.

So when our RE asked me at our appointment yesterday, "Do you want to try again?" my answer was: "Yes, I want to try again."

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I've mentioned this before, and I am still very pleased with the service and attention we get from our clinic. I was jaded after our failed cycle, thinking that if I just move clinics and doctors, I'll be sure to get pregnant! But at this point, I love that it's small, they know us by name, and they are dedicated to making this work for us. As I mentioned here and here I was so nervous to even pick up the phone. I had to leave a message for our IVF nurse, but she was back to me within the hour and had set up a meeting directly with our RE-for an hour and half appointment to discuss our questions and concerns.

During the meeting we discussed the following:

• the concerns we had about chromosomes/PGD
  
  • I was not aware that there really isnt a "blood" test that we could do to cover chromosome questions-other than cystic fibrosis testing. He was very honest and feels like we do not need to worry about this. He even thinks PGD is a stretch for us-he agrees if we want to use it as a way to decide on whether or not to do a 3rd round, it may be a good choice. So I'm looking for any ass-vice/suggestions/feedback on my PGD'ers out there--even if I've heard from you before--now that we are looking into really going forward with IVF again, I want to weigh this very seriously. I am undecided, and Mook does not want to use it.
    
  
  
• The program we found out we do qualify for with our clinic: 2 more rounds of IVF. If the 2nd one were to fail, we would get another cycle "for free" Its similar to a shared risk program, but structured a bit different because they are a smaller clinic.
  
  
• Further testing: Mook is getting another SA done next week--he hasn't had a true reading since February of last year. This time our RE referred us to a male factor urologist--so I'm anxious to see what he says. Mook will be asking about herbal supplements as well--since the last go round we had with vitamins did not prove to be too beneficial. We do not need to repeat his hormone level panel though--just the SA.
  
  
• I had my AMH tested. They did not do this for me last time--I wasn't even sure what it was. You can read about it here. Basically reads deeper than an FSH test. If this test comes back abnormal (results on Thursday), we may not qualify for the program any more. (fingers crossed!)
  
  
• And the biggie: we are on the books to start IVF numero dos on May 31st. That is in 45 days, 1088 hours and 65,335 minutes. Holy crap.
  If we decide this date is too soon, we will push back the start of numero dos until October--there is too much going on for any other start date until then.
  

Mook and I went out to dinner last night to have a nice long chat about everything we were told yesterday. One very important thing I am thankful for out of all of this is the bond we have created over this journey-just like in planting that garden, we are willing to put our blood, sweat and tears into making our family grow. We still have some discussing to do-particularly about finances. Umm yea-that's a big part of this whole crappy situation, isn't it?

This post has gotten long enough for now--I have lots of thoughts swirling around for sure. I'm scared, sad and upset that we have to even be in this situation, but we are both willing to "plant the seeds" and hope to God they grow....