Tuesday, April 15, 2008

My Garden

This past weekend was a peek into what spring is like in the south: rainy and cold in the morning, clouds then full sun by the afternoon, crisp evenings.

Mook and I spent both Saturday and Sunday cleaning up our yard (in layers of clothes as we dealt with the chill, then the heat!) and pruning the shrubs and trees that needed tidying. This year we decided to add something to our yard-duties...

We've lived in our house for four years, and when each spring approaches, Mook asks if I want to plant a garden. I always laugh and remind him that I do not have a green thumb--it's more of a brownish-black color--I have never had luck keeping plants alive indoors or outdoors. So this weekend was the perfect time for him to ask the question yet again: "Do you want to plant a garden this year?"

Except this year my answer was different: "Yes, I would love to have a garden." After I reassured Mook numerous times that I was not joking, we got out a piece of paper and mapped out the location, what we would plant, and took off for Lowes to load up the truck-bed.

I love my new garden.

It almost sounds silly to admit, but I find myself thinking about it numerous times a day--I'm proud to say I have a garden. Are the tomato's going to grow? Will I have plums this year? When will the blueberries be ready? Part of my joy comes from the work that Mook and I put into the garden together: it was our sweat, blistered hands, and aching backs that planted this garden that will grow and provide us with fruits and vegetables. Of course I worry that my brownish-black thumb will keep us from enjoying these "fruits of our labor" later this summer, but if I hadn't planted them-we would never know.

I've looked at our next steps in a very similar way. If I say: "No, I don't want to try again right now": I don't have to worry about a failure, I don't have to worry if our embryos will grow, I don't have to think about what they would grow to become.

So when our RE asked me at our appointment yesterday, "Do you want to try again?" my answer was: "Yes, I want to try again."

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I've mentioned this before, and I am still very pleased with the service and attention we get from our clinic. I was jaded after our failed cycle, thinking that if I just move clinics and doctors, I'll be sure to get pregnant! But at this point, I love that it's small, they know us by name, and they are dedicated to making this work for us. As I mentioned here and here I was so nervous to even pick up the phone. I had to leave a message for our IVF nurse, but she was back to me within the hour and had set up a meeting directly with our RE-for an hour and half appointment to discuss our questions and concerns.

During the meeting we discussed the following:
  • the concerns we had about chromosomes/PGD
    • I was not aware that there really isnt a "blood" test that we could do to cover chromosome questions-other than cystic fibrosis testing. He was very honest and feels like we do not need to worry about this. He even thinks PGD is a stretch for us-he agrees if we want to use it as a way to decide on whether or not to do a 3rd round, it may be a good choice. So I'm looking for any ass-vice/suggestions/feedback on my PGD'ers out there--even if I've heard from you before--now that we are looking into really going forward with IVF again, I want to weigh this very seriously. I am undecided, and Mook does not want to use it.

  • The program we found out we do qualify for with our clinic: 2 more rounds of IVF. If the 2nd one were to fail, we would get another cycle "for free" Its similar to a shared risk program, but structured a bit different because they are a smaller clinic.

  • Further testing: Mook is getting another SA done next week--he hasn't had a true reading since February of last year. This time our RE referred us to a male factor urologist--so I'm anxious to see what he says. Mook will be asking about herbal supplements as well--since the last go round we had with vitamins did not prove to be too beneficial. We do not need to repeat his hormone level panel though--just the SA.

  • I had my AMH tested. They did not do this for me last time--I wasn't even sure what it was. You can read about it here. Basically reads deeper than an FSH test. If this test comes back abnormal (results on Thursday), we may not qualify for the program any more. (fingers crossed!)

  • And the biggie: we are on the books to start IVF numero dos on May 31st. That is in 45 days, 1088 hours and 65,335 minutes. Holy crap.
    If we decide this date is too soon, we will push back the start of numero dos until October--there is too much going on for any other start date until then.
Mook and I went out to dinner last night to have a nice long chat about everything we were told yesterday. One very important thing I am thankful for out of all of this is the bond we have created over this journey-just like in planting that garden, we are willing to put our blood, sweat and tears into making our family grow. We still have some discussing to do-particularly about finances. Umm yea-that's a big part of this whole crappy situation, isn't it?

This post has gotten long enough for now--I have lots of thoughts swirling around for sure. I'm scared, sad and upset that we have to even be in this situation, but we are both willing to "plant the seeds" and hope to God they grow....

51 comments:

  1. Yeah for planted seeds that grow into healthy young shoots!! Good luck hun, I'll be with you all the way.

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  2. You worded that so nicely! I hope both of your gardens grow beautifully this year.

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  3. Oh, JJ, I am so excited for you and so encouraged that you have found the strength to move forward on your attempt for a family. The garden reference is so beautiful and really true!!
    I don't know a thing about all the tests and issues you guys are facing, but (as always) I am faithfully following along and constantly asking the big guy upstairs to fill your life with the answer to your desire.
    *hugs*

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  4. Grow gardens grow!

    I don't know a lot about PGD, so I'm not going to comment.

    That said, I wish you guys the best of luck. I hope that May brings you the best of the best.

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  5. Beautiful post, beautiful start to your garden. I can't wait to see it in bloom. I'm so impressed with your tenacity and strength to keep moving ahead. You are an amazing person,and I am sending you nothing but positive thoughts. Go, JJ!

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  6. It's interesting... I've been thinking of planting a flower garden this year. I have put it off every year, but there's something different this spring. It's like I NEED to grow something. If I'm not growing a baby, maybe I should grow some pansies.

    Yay for having a date to start your next (successful!!) cycle! One more thing for me to look forward to before our TESE. I get to walk through IVF with you.

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  7. JJ ~ Like manda said...I too felt like I NEEDED to plant something...hence my rosebushes. I could get into the thorn and bloom analogy, but it's too much to think about right now.

    Glad you are moving forward. We'll all be here to support you!

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  8. Yay for your garden!! Last year we planted one too. I needed to be able to "grow" something. And it really was cool to see the veggies start producing, and actually get to cook with them.

    Congrats on deciding to move forward! Good luck!!

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  9. I am so gald that time is allowing you to venture back to IVF. What an exciting time and so quick! You've got my hooked so I'll be here the whole time rooting you on. I too am anxious to hear about supplements!

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  10. Ooh, I'm pulling for that May start date for you, and I'm praying that you get to enjoy some good fruit soon!

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  11. I'm so happy for your decision.

    We'll be here the whole time rooting you on!

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  12. I hope you enjoy your garden!

    I am wishing you lots of luck with your upcoming cycle. Has Mook had a fragmentation test? I can't remember. . .

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  13. Great analogy. I hope ALL your efforts are rewarded.

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  14. Oh good luck on your garden. Sending my thoughts for you and Mook for his upcoming test and your results!

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  15. I hope you plant your seeds and watch them grow... cheering you on as always, hun. ~Supportive hugs~

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  16. What an appropriate avocation.

    May you have a huge bounty in the Fall, and another in the spring :-).

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  17. I'm excited that you're getting ready for numero dos. I will be crossing everything that your garden and your embryos grow and flourish!

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  18. What a beautiful post. I hope your garden brings you as much healing, peace, and joy as mine has for me. I just find it so grounding (sorry about the pun...) to work in the garden, to observe the tiny little changes that happen every day, and to enjoy the results of all my work. It makes me feel connected to life, and sometimes restores my faith in the universe. Sounds a bit grandiose, but it's really true.

    I'm so excited for you!

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  19. Hang onto those feelings of hope. Starting numero dos is a scary place to be-you need that hope. I'm glad that you are starting to think about moving forward. And very impressed with the garden. I share your brownish-black thumb and I have yet to venture an attempt at a garden.

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  20. This is exactly why I started gardening. And for the most part, my plants thrived. I found that some things didn't work for my climate but for the most part dirt + sun + water = produce.

    I'm hoping that's the magical equation for both your gardens.

    xo

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  21. We just planted a garden last weekend, too. I know what you mean... I'm excited to see something actually grow and thrive for a change. And I'm just getting started with IVF numero uno.

    I do have the nagging memory that last year, I imagined planting our garden this year with a new baby sleeping in a stroller alongside me. Oh well, maybe next year...

    There IS a test for chromosomal abnormalities. It's called a karyotype, and it could see if you or your husband have a condition called a balanced translocation. In couples where one couple has a balanced translocation, each fetus has a 25% chance of being normal, a 50% chance of being abnormal (or often miscarrying), and a 25% chance of being a carrier of the balanced translocation. Sorry, but I can't remember your history and whether you have had more issues with getting pregnant or STAYING pregnant. This test is more relevant for those with frequent m/c's, etc. For that reason, I have never requested this test (I can't even GET pregnant, so I've never had a m/c.)

    Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading much much more about IVF numero dos in the weeks to come.

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  22. I love the garden connection :). As far as literal gardens go, I'd love to have one someday. I'd love to plant some broccoli, tomatoes, and strawberries...that's all I'd need. I could live off of those three things all summer, of course, strawberries don't last all summer. Plums sound quite interesting. They grow on trees, right? So, you've got trees in your garden as well, eh?

    I'm so happy to hear that you guys are moving forward with everything else as well. You are in my prayers!

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  23. Good luck both with garden and with another IVF!

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  24. I'm so pleased you sound so positive.

    I love that you're ready to plant your garden. I've always wanted a garden. I had a go at some pots last year and that gave me HUGE pleasure. I'm sure you'll get loads from it.

    I also love the symbolism of your growing a garden AND going for your next cycle.

    I hope both projects are hugely fruitful - I definitely want to see pix of your garden!

    xxx

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  25. Great post, JJ! I too am of the black thumb variety, so here's hoping your garden(s) grow and grow! Blueberries sound esp. wonderful!

    As for the next steps, sounds like you guys are doing everything within your power and its great that plans are coming together!! I am so excited for you! :-)

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  26. Good luck with the planting.

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  27. I've always wanted a garden...

    Congrats on taking the next step and planning IVF #2. It's exciting to have a plan. Good luck!

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  28. Mary, Mary, quite contrary... I hope your garden thrives :) I have everything crossed for IVF #2 xxx

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  29. Love that you have a garden. Even though I don't have a very green thumb, I've always wanted to have one, but sadly it's not possible living in such close quarters.

    YAY for planing on trying again. It's scary, but also so very exciting. I hope both your gardens flourish for many years to come!

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  30. That couldn't have been put any more beautifully! I am sure that with all the love you're putting into it, your garden will grow. I hope everything lines up for your May transfer. I'm sorry I don't know a lot for your PGD and other tests. I hope you get the answers you need :-)

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  31. Yay for May!

    And what type of PGD or PGS are you thinking? I only have info from our experience with PGD and single-gene testing but I can e-mail you more info from the place doing our testing about what they do and what they look for...

    My doctor though couldn't "medically recommend" us getting PGS though, even with what we've been through!

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  32. What a beautiful way to relate your ttc journey and your new garden. May both efforts be prosperous and fruitful.

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  33. JJ & Mook,

    I am so excited for you! We'll be praying for you along the way for healthy seeds and lots of growth!

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  34. Sending good thoughts that both gardens grow--other figurative gardens too. It's a big step.

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  35. The is so cool about your garden. Learning to garden is on my life-long to do list but I keep putting it off I am excited to hear about your garden's progress. And excited and pleased with your decision to proceed. May that garden flourish as well.

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  36. What a great post JJ! I'm so glad you have a plan and that IVF numero dos is now on the docket. Hoping for all good things for you!

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  37. Hoping your garden is overflowing this year. Scary steps, but you are taking them - day by day.

    And you have loads of people out here wishing you well.

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  38. wow, 45 days?? yay, I'm excited to see those seeds get planted and grow. I am praying that IVF numero dos is the "one" (or 2 or 3, however many you can handle:)hehe).

    Good luck with the garden! Can't wait to see some pics as it grows! I don't have a "Green thumb" either. I've tried to have a flower garden twice, and it hasn't really worked out as I well as I wanted...so, like my ttc journey, I'll be trying again as well.

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  39. enjoy your new garden. it is VERY therapeutic and rewarding when you can reap the harvest of he fruit of your labor. I've been spending lots of time in the dirt in our tiny little patch... enjoy.

    and yes, may you be fruitful yourself and multiply. ~luna

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  40. Rather see you several months pregnant in October than just starting IVF. Go for MAY!
    Best of luck to you both...may this cycle be it.

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  41. I am so happy to hear that your're ready to try again...I am so proud of you my friend...

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  42. JJ ~ Enjoy the gardening. I find it to be extremely satisfying and nurturing to my spirit. Choosing to cycle again is a huge deal. I'll be here with hundreds of others to cheer you. (did you ever get the bee stuff?)

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  43. Wishing your garden growth!

    I'm also commenting to say congrats on the one year BB anniversary!

    I think I've given you enough thoughts about PGD for now. Glad you were able to clear things up with the specialist.

    Bea

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  44. I hope your garden bears fruit in every way possible! I never thought I had a green thumb--I grew up in a rural area and hated outdoor activities and gardening--but I LOVE my flower garden. I have mums in the fall, bulbs in the spring, and roses in the summer. It makes me so happy.

    I had my AMH tested as well. I hope your results come back in the normal range. And wow for the next cycle date! It will be here soon!

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  45. I love my clinic too for the very same reasons, small and they really want you to get pregnant.
    Congrats on the garden, always exciting to plant new seeds in the spring, so much hope, so very like our cycles.

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  46. I'm so excited you're going to try again! Here's to all your gardens growing!

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  47. I wish all the best for you in your upcoming cycle. I want this for you so badly.
    I love growing veggies. This year I plan to add herbs. One of the things I enjoy eating most with fresh herbs actually involves no cooking - basil, tomatoes, mozzarella, olive oil and balsamic vinegar--yum!!
    Happy Birthday to the Braces Bunch!!

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  48. I've become a total garden dork and obsess over my garden all day. Not every day, but a LOT. It's fun seeing what you can do, after all that hard work. Hopefully the same kind of payoff will happen with your next round - good luck:-)

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  49. Yay on your beautiful garden sweetie, I know that you will get so much joy from watching it grow!!

    I am so glad that you have decided to start making plans for your next IVF, my only advice is to take it one day at a time, only you and mook can decide when you are really ready. I would also hold out on the PGD for a while, doing PGD on embies can also make them weaker so then you success rate goes down too.

    I will be here praying for you and watching as you continue your journey, I truly hope that your time is coming soon!!

    Much lovw xxx

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  50. We did PGD for our 4th cycle. We ended up with 5 "normal" embryos out of the 13 we started with. We transferred 2 and it was still BFN. PGD did tell us alot about the quality of embryos we have. I hope it "does the trick" for you!

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  51. I'm so excited for you - for both forging forwards with IVF and for planting a physical garden which will hopefully reflect your journey.

    Can't wait to see what sprouts! xoxo

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