Just made it easier.
Easier is good.
Since I have a slight OCD (ok, maybe major) with organization and categorization to keep things in order, I have all the blogs broken into categories. I have my food blogs, fashion/decorating blogs, gossip blogs, Braces Bunch girls in one list, etc.
I stuck myself in the "IF Treatment" category at the beginning of my blog journey, and it took me until I was 28 weeks pregnant to feel comfortable to move myself to "The Other Side" category. Now I rest in "Parents after IF" and I'm so glad to see so many of my blog friends in that same category!
In the past 6 months, I found myself needing to create a new category: "Pregnant after IF".
First, please, please, please know that I know and appreciate the fact that I can even put myself in any category that has the word parent in it. I want to move all the people in my "IF Treatment" and "Adoption" category to "Parents after..."
I just find myself in that limbo space where the green monster of jealousy rears its ugly head. Its partly because of the recent skin results, its partly because of the battle in my own head if I even want to add to our family, and it's partly because I know that we have less than a 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally. The whole idea of "Oh now that you've been pregnant by doing IVF, you'll have an easier time getting pregnant on your own" does.not.apply.to.me. I have to go into that explanation that we are dealing with male factor, so no matter how fertile I am, the chances are so incredibly slim it makes the pain of IF so raw all over again. Don't even get me started on the finances of it all....
And then I smile a wry smile, looking over at my walking little O-man and think back on the past week when I felt I was barely able to handle him. What on earth would I do with two?!
So these are just my minds thoughts, and as always, it helps to just write it out and let my feelings be what they are. I know I'm allowed to feel the way I do, but I don't want my friends in the "Pregnant After" and the "Adopting After" category to feel I am any less of a friend. I just have to put the green monster in check and work through these feelings and get them categorized in the right place.
I do the same thing in google reader. I don't have any After categories though...just foodies, crafty crafters, braces bunch, IRL peeps, and IF sisters.
ReplyDeleteBig green monster staring me in the face.
I get the monster, its hard when you have never been pregnant and never will be pregnant to accept that (just as I imagine it is hard for you to accept that there is a 1% chance of being pregnant again). It's complicated and i am glad that your working it out.
ReplyDeletehugs.
Love the picture of the Green Monster, btw!
ReplyDeleteEven though my journey is done, I still have times when that ole' greeny shows his head. I don't think it ever goes away totally.
I love your OCD organizational-ness--I woman after my own heart.
I totally try to compartmentalize things. For some reason I feel less jealous over my "regular" friends, even the fertile ones, who are just going about their lives and have babies. I have all sorts of stupid jealousy when an IF sister gets pg. WHY?! Shouldn't it be the other way around? But like you said, feelings are what they are, and I just need to roll with it.
ReplyDeleteI'm still envious, and we have two babies. Maybe its just the envy that most couples can choose WHEN they want to get pregnant and have a pretty good shot of getting pregnant.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I get - when are you going to have your next baby? I tell them, I don't know if we can.. and I get the whole, well, you have two babies - you'll probably get pregnant really easily. Then I have to explain, we didn't control WHEN we got pregnant, we just got incredibly lucky since my husband has very little sperm. Pregnancy didn't change that..
I've been staring at that big green monster lately, too. Jealous that I can't get pregnant without expensive treatments, and even that's not guaranteed to work thanks to my stupid body. I mean, I have my hands completely full with my two adopted blessings, but there's still that longing to have a biological baby. I hope you're able to get it all worked out and that green monster can be put to rest.
ReplyDeleteIf you can believe it we've already had people ask if we're going to try for another. It's annoying and I don't have an answer to give just yet as there are a lot of questions we need to answer before we can make that decision. People are annoying and it doesn't make dealing with our own feelings any easier. ((many hugs)) my friend.
ReplyDeleteI seriously need to get your expertise on how to set up categories in Reader! I keep forgetting to look into it, and my Reader account is a MESS!
ReplyDeleteBut yes, I found myself nodding over and over again as I read your post. While I don't have actual folders into which I put blogs, those folders exist in my head. And before I started the cycle that led to these babies, each movement of a blog left me feeling bereft, not just because people were becoming parents or getting pregnant, but because they were doing *something*. And I was still sitting on the sidelines doing *nothing*.
I saw this home improvement show the other day, where the homeowners were having some underground plumbing problems, and the repair person explained that even though the tree in their front yard was many, many feet away from the location of their pipe problems, that the underground root system of most trees can be two to three times larger than the canopy you see above ground. And as I watched, I thought, "Ugh, I can TOTALLY relate to that, " because infertility feels like that in my life. Everyone sees and can understand the immediate effects of infertility (childlessness)-- they see the far reaching effects in my "canopy", but they have no idea how far my roots go, they have no idea the damage that could be happening twenty feet away from that apparently localized infertility effect.
So yeah. Even though I am in the midst of a long awaited pregnancy, I am still feeling the effects of infertility. I still have heaviness when I read about others' success, especially if it was more quickly or easily attained than my own (um, not that I don't recognize how lucky we were to get pregnant on our first try-- I really, really, really do-- but it's the two plus years of wondering what was ever going to work for us, what was really wrong, that really gets me).
And OH, yes. Believe me-- I think every. single. day. about WHAT ON EARTH I will do with two!!! How am I going to handle this? Gaaaaah!!!
You know, I've really been wanting to out my thoughts down about how I have been feelind lately about pregnancy and TTC again without it being such ...drama.
ReplyDeleteYou said it right, to just have it out there. To be grateful and love what I have, to be happy with it, and still wonder what it would be like to do it again.
I Understand your green monster (he's cute!) and I understand you.
hugs
Yep. I know the green monster well.
ReplyDeleteI highly recommend training to run a half marathon. And then consider a full marathon, too, while you're at it.
It doesn't make the green monster go away, but it helps focus you on the here and now.
Me, I mean. It's helping. Somedays, it's enough. Others? Well, I know how you feel.
xxx
It is so nice that you can put these feelings on paper. I know a lot of women feel the same way and it is always nice not to feel alone. I know the decision to expand your family or not is a personal choice, but I feel like I know you well enough to be able to tell you that I think you could handle two. :) You're a great mom and if your family every goes from 3 to 4 (however it happens) I know you will be 100% able to handle it. (I may buy you a membership in the wine of the month club, but you'll do great!)
ReplyDeleteI'm OCD too...I have blogs broken out by what kind of IF. I know wishing that IF didn't exist is futile, but I wish none of us had to deal with this.
ReplyDeleteI have a BFP and BFP with twins category (omg why do I get a twinge of jealousy when people announce a twin pregnancy?!?!?!?!) You do what you have to do for you. That green eyed monster can be a real mother-f to get under control.
ReplyDeleteI still have hopes that you'll fall into the IF urban legend category. ;-)
I hear you. I haven't tried that for my reader though. Hmm, maybe I should.
ReplyDeleteGet out of my head, JJ! I am feeling very similar to how you are right now. We had a new baby join the family this week, and being back in the same hospital where G was born brought everything back to me. They, of course were able to conceive naturally, and there I was trying to figure out when and if we can ever give G a sibling. Kept the green eyed monster in check, but it wasn't easy.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of learning to live with infertility is about learning to live with that big green monster. It rears it's ugly green head less often these days for me, but I doubt he will ever go away completely.
ReplyDeleteI had a small window (and I'm talking, like fly on the wall small) of time when the green monster didn't affect me. It was glorious. I didn't even know it actually existed. Then, it was gone. I see others that are pregnant right now and I wonder if I'll ever experience it again. But like you, I look at my sweet boy and become so overwhelmed with love for him that the idea of two? Faarreeeaaaaks me out!
ReplyDeleteWe are blessed, no doubt we know that very well. But we are human, with emotions, desires, and hearts. I like what the pp said about the roots. IF runs deep. Deeper than ppl realize.
Wow that is so organized. I have been wanting to reorganize my blog roll, as so many (thank God) have become pregnant after IVF. I am just grateful that I am now able to be categorized under one of your successful headlines. I'm still leary, cautious and scared, but oh so hopeful. Thinking of you. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteTake care of you!
ReplyDeleteI have no categories! If you get bored and want to organize mine just let me know!
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ReplyDeleteI so understand how you feel. I once was in the TTC blogs, after that pregnant after IF, followed by a mother after IF, and now a single mother... single mother after IF...Some time I feel that I dont fit in anywhere. I looks at young families with parents in love and I get so sad that I dont have this, that my girl will have to deal with such complicated issues, that she has to cry becuase she wants to see dad but she wants mommy to stay also. I spend a lot time wondering if I will ever have the chance to even try again, if Lyla will ever be a big sister, If I will love again and trust somebody again to parent with me. This green monster green still affects me in big way!
ReplyDeleteI tried to keep everyone all sorted in my google reader but gave up because updating was kind of brutal. I actually wish there was a way we could all just update ourselves and then it would automatically update in other people's feeds.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was an easy way to explain to people that even if I had the reproductive system of Michelle Duggar in her 20's, it won't improve my husband's fertility. I hear it all the time and it kinda pisses me off.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally get the green feelings. We are human, afterall.
I totally get where you're at.
ReplyDeleteWhilst I was pg with B I promised myself I wouldn't ever allow myself to feel envy for others once I had my baby. For a while I was fine, but the minute the girls i'd met at my childbirth class starting falling pregnant, I just couldn't hold back that monster. I was so cross with myself as I know how lucky i am.
I also have no chance of a natural pregnancy. Our MF is way too bad for that. My continued fertility didn't help the situation either.
I feel funny commenting in this way as i've had my second miracle with our one frostie. (Well, the start of a miracle - i'm too seasoned an IF'r to take anything for granted at this stage) I hope my comment isn't out of turn.
xx
I hear you. I find I don't have the same feelings toward those that have been in the trenches with me, but I sit hear with my fantastic daughter and I am so envious of the other mom's in the play groups that I belong to who just "got pregnant" with their second and their first is about the same age as my little one. Especially if I ask them if they were trying and they say no, just not preventing and I know that is NO way I could ever get pregnant accidentally.
ReplyDeleteI was at a baby shower last weekend and someone said "I bet you get pregnant on your own soon after the baby's born." This person was a little older and I didn't feel the need to explain for the 5 millionth time that I DON'T HAVE TUBES! I will NEVER get pregnant on my own...oh well. At least I have you girls who understand.
ReplyDeleteI have my reader sorted in my own cryptic way. While I don't want to breed jealously- some days I skip over certain categories. I have yet to go to a baby shower since our IF diagnosis (I think my two year absence will catch up with me).
ReplyDeleteMany hugs.
The funny thing is, my digital life is hyper-organized. I hate things being out of place. In my house (even before V, if not MORESO before V) - total clutter.
ReplyDeleteI do have segregation in my people blogs though, for sure.
understandable. I sometimes feel very green and mean and like I am the last man standing. I think the new categories might be a good thing though.
ReplyDelete