The End?

Heavy stuff ahead. Got some coffee? A glass of wine?

To preface the rest of this post, last May I posted this

I didn't give too many details at the time--it was all sort of shocking, I guess. Let me also say, that I know that the diagnosis I got that day is one that is given to people every day--it could have been worse.

What was concerning was the mole that was removed was the size of a nickel and had grown at a rapid rate--as in, it wasn't there one day, and the next it was.

And the fact that it was in my groin area--well, that was just a little awkward and at the same time a bit of an ironic symbol.

So it was removed in May, and by October I noticed the scar had turned a shade of brown--the mole was growing back. Well, I sort of wanted to avoid it. But it kept pinging in the back of my mind, so I called in December, and as with most dermatology offices, I was going to have to wait eons for an appointment.

I checked in early for my appointment on Wednesday, and really had no nerves about going in. I love my doctor--she has great bedside manner and is very, very sweet--so I was actually looking forward to seeing her.

She wanted to check the mole area first thing, and then moved on to the full body scan. She called out notes to the nurse as she did all this--all of the lingo not meaning a lot to me. So when the nurse left, my doctor sat down.

A sitting doctor always makes me nervous.

She explained that she was concerned about the mole in my groin growing back. She explained that she'd need to remove it again, and go even further into my skin this time. Ouch. She went on to say that she found a dark mole on my scalp, and it's sitting next to a cyst. I also have growth on an old mole on my back, and ten new moles.

My heart rate started to go up at this point--I knew there was more to it. She proceeded to say that its possible that I'll need to have an MRI based on the biopsy results (hoping I get them today or Monday at the latest) and that she strongly recommends we never attempt IVF again. 

In my original consult with her last year, she asked me a lot about my medical history and family history, so she could try and figure out why my moles were growing at the rate they were. Honestly, I didnt even think to mention IVF, because sometimes I don't think to categorize that in my "history"--I always think of surgeries, broken bones, etc. But I'm glad I did--it was like a light bulb went off in her head. She asked about the hormones I took and an estimate on how much. I wanted to laugh and say,
"You don't have enough room on my chart to write it all down!"

Ahhh, IF--you sock me in the stomach in the most unpleasant ways.

She does not claim to be my RE or have an extensive background in infertility and I appreciate that. She's just giving me the facts that are in front of her--and that includes my body and how it seems to be reacting to the large amounts of hormones I took.

The fact that Mook and I hadn't definitely decided if we'd add to our family, it was just hard to hear that I may, yet again, have outside factors determining what the next steps will be.

Ugg, its hard to even talk about. I just wasn't in the mind set to think about it--and all of these IF feelings have just come rushing back--not to mention the fact that I may have to worry about something going on with my moles.

Have any of you all experienced this? Not necessarily with moles, but with another medical situation that has caused you to re-evaluate your plans for a family or adding to it?

So does this all mean the end of our journey?

My heart says no. But all this is helping me come to terms with the fact that going back to our RE won't be happening. It actually just reaffirms the fluttering in my heart when I think about adding to our family by adoption. Not that this is happening anytime in the near future. Not that it will happen at all.

But I'm just not ready to close the door to everything....