It's hard to focus on real life in the midst of wrapping, baking, rushing to and fro, family visits and stringing lights. It's like living in a fairy tale world for a month.
So when I woke up last week with heavy bleeding and feeling really woozy, I was annoyed that I'd most likely need to go in to the doctor--no time for unplanned appointments this time of year! But off I went--and the diagnosis: a few clots and low iron, and call us back if you don't feel better.
And the crazy holiday schedule marched on...but so did my heavy bleeding. So much that I had to make another unplanned appointment.
Yesterday as I drove back to my OB, I was thinking about how I was actually going to be OK walking into a waiting room full of bellies. I was in a mental space of "peace"--able to happily accept that I most likely won't have a pregnant belly again, but that we hopefully will be able to bring another child into our family through adoption. I was even tossing around girl names in my head--and I was smiling. It felt so nice. I drove along with a clear view ahead of me, and let out a respectful sigh about what is in "my rear view mirror"....
Remember that rule in driving school? Always pay attention to your blind spot. I neglected to pay attention to mine.
After further tests and an ultrasound, I was told I had an ectopic pregnancy. A total, major, jaw-dropping moment. The amount of emotions that ran through me in that moment is hard to explain. That clear view that was in front of me on the way to the doctor was immediately fogged up. It brought the desire for a sibling for Oman rushing to the surface, and what an ache to feel loss and hope all in one swift moment.
I appreciate sunshine-positive-optimistic thoughts, but before you even go there (because trust me, I did)--no, this does not mean I have a better hope of getting pregnant on my own. We just have a higher chance of producing abnormal pregnancies. But just so you know, I won't ever give up hope.
So as the holiday cheer marches on, I'm taking the time to heal from this blind spot--I am just thankful for family and friends who can surround me with love and hugs. I cherish the laughter and moments with Oman -- I am beyond grateful for his life. Also, I am so thankful that my tube suffered no major damage.
As the eve of Santa's visit approaches, I wish each of you light and hope for the season--I know there are dark moments for a lot of us even in the cheeriest of times.