Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Blind Spot

It's hard to focus on real life in the midst of wrapping, baking, rushing to and fro, family visits and stringing lights. It's like living in a fairy tale world for a month.

So when I woke up last week with heavy bleeding and feeling really woozy, I was annoyed that I'd most likely need to go in to the doctor--no time for unplanned appointments this time of year! But off I went--and the diagnosis: a few clots and low iron, and call us back if you don't feel better.

And the crazy holiday schedule marched on...but so did my heavy bleeding. So much that I had to make another unplanned appointment.

Yesterday as I drove back to my OB, I was thinking about how I was actually going to be OK walking into a waiting room full of bellies. I was in a mental space of "peace"--able to happily accept that I most likely won't have a pregnant belly again, but that we hopefully will be able to bring another child into our family through adoption. I was even tossing around girl names in my head--and I was smiling. It felt so nice. I drove along with a clear view ahead of me, and let out a respectful sigh about what is in "my rear view mirror"....

Remember that rule in driving school? Always pay attention to your blind spot. I neglected to pay attention to mine.



After further tests and an ultrasound, I was told I had an ectopic pregnancy. A total, major, jaw-dropping moment. The amount of emotions that ran through me in that moment is hard to explain. That clear view that was in front of me on the way to the doctor was immediately fogged up. It brought the desire for a sibling for Oman rushing to the surface, and what an ache to feel loss and hope all in one swift moment.

I appreciate sunshine-positive-optimistic thoughts, but before you even go there (because trust me, I did)--no, this does not mean I have a better hope of getting pregnant on my own. We just have a higher chance of producing abnormal pregnancies. But just so you know, I won't ever give up hope.

So as the holiday cheer marches on, I'm taking the time to heal from this blind spot--I am just thankful for family and friends who can surround me with love and hugs. I cherish the laughter and moments with Oman -- I am beyond grateful for his life. Also, I am so thankful that my tube suffered no major damage.

As the eve of Santa's visit approaches, I wish each of you light and hope for the season--I know there are dark moments for a lot of us even in the cheeriest of times.

60 comments:

  1. Oh, geez, sweetie. I think I'd be devastated to find out in one fell swoop that I was both pregnant AND it was doomed. Even reading your account, it took my breath away, and it's not me. I am so sorry.

    Much love to you, Mook, and O-man this holiday season.

    xoxo

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  2. Thinking of you! Like you said, don't ever give up hope. ((Hugs))

    Keep marching forward, even in those dark, blind spot moments.

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  3. Thinking of you! Like you said, don't ever give up hope. ((Hugs))

    Keep marching forward, even in those dark, blind spot moments.

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  4. Oh, JJ -- what an awful moment to deal with so unexpectedly. A big hug from me and hope that you're feeling better (mentally and physically) soon.

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  5. Sending you huge hugs. My sister had an ectopic earlier this year. She didn't have the effects of IF going into it, but she lost her tube and so much more in that loss. Praying for your family and hoping you're surrounded by peace and love this week. xo

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  6. I'm glad your tube is safe. My stomach dropped when I read about your ectopic. I hope Dr. T treated you well.

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  7. I thought about you all night last night. It is sort of ironic that you talk about the blind spot in the car here because last night as I mulled over what was going on in my mind I thought "wow, if I feel this blind sided I can not imagine how she and Mook must feel." I remember talking to in July and again in October about the desire for siblings and how it measured up the reality of our different situations. I know this must be palying with your head bad. Hopefully the the busy-ness and fun of the season will help easy your mind just a tad.

    I'm thinking of you. I'm here for you. Really hoping there are a lot more moments of light in 2011!

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  8. Oh sweetie I am so sorry. I can't imagine the emotions you must be going through.

    Sending you and Mook so much love right now.

    Xoxo

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  9. Thought of you a lot yesterday, wasn't sure I had understood what I had read...how abrupt and unfair. I am sorry that you are going through this, hoping that the choas of the holidays will help keep your heart and mind busy.

    [[Hugs]]

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  10. I'm so sorry for your loss. ((HUG)) I hope you're healing well and that the holidays are filled with big smiles from Oman and your dh.

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  11. so very sorry, JJ. hard to keep those feelings in check when you're slapped with a doozy from left field.

    thinking of you as you recover and heal -- heart, body, mind and spirit.

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  12. I was floored when I read your news on Twitter. I'm so sorry, and I pray you'll experience healing this Christmas.

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  13. Hope is sometimes all we have, isn't it?

    So for you this holiday season I Hope for calm after the storm, comfort from the pain, and restoration in the belief that one day your family will be complete (one way or another.)

    Hugs to you my friend. My thoughts are with you.

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  14. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sending you HUGE ((HUGS))

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  15. Hope your feeling okay, I have never had an actinic pg but I am down a tube(and ovary) and that combined with a pregnancy that was going to end sucks, just sucks, sending lots of love to everyone.

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  16. Oh, JJ, I am so sorry. What a shock the news must have been.

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  17. There's just no good time of year for that kind of news. So glad that this surprise will have minimal lasting physical damage.

    I wish you light and hope as well.

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  18. I'm so glad you went to the doctor!!! I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you.

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  19. I'm sorry to hear of your loss - glad that you didn't have any major physical problems, but so sorry...

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  20. OH, JJ. This is a tough one at a tough time of year. Know that I'm thinking of you and sending my love.

    xo

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  21. Wow..that sucks. bad. Hope you are doing better emotionally & physically. *hugs*

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  22. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine the tidal wave of emotions that news must have brought. You are all in my thoughts.

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  23. Ouch. I can't even imagine how difficult this was. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.

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  24. Oh JJ, I am so very sorry. What a horrible experience - both in finding out and dealing with it.

    I hope you are ok and I wish you weren't dealing with this. It is just not fair.

    Lots of love being sent your way.

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  25. I'm so sorry JJ. I wish I was there to give you a huge hug. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Definitely never give up hope! :-)

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  26. I'm sending you lots of {{hugs}}

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  27. Wishing you solace as you digest your loss and hope, as you put it so well. May the holidays be a welcomed distraction.

    Hold your family close. I will be thinking of you all.

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  28. Oh, goodness. What a heavy load on your heart - at any time of year, but especially this one.

    Thinking of you . . .

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  29. I'm just so very sorry, JJ. ((hugs))

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  30. Oh wow. Oh my goodness. ((hugs))

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  31. Oh Geez, I'm so sorry JJ, it must be quite the mind f*ck right not in your head.

    Sending love and hugs.

    xxx

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  32. OMG what a shock...wow. Having just gone through a surprise ectopic myself, I can relate. I'm so glad your tube is ok! OH honey, I wish I could give you a big BIG hug in real life.... be good to yourself, ((((HUGS))))

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  33. That's a lot to take in. I'm so sorry you had to go through this - I'm sending you a big, virtual hug.

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  34. Oh no. Ectopic pregnancies are so difficult. My first pregnancy was ectopic and it was much harder to heal from physically than I was told it would be. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions about it. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Esperanza @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com

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  35. somehow I missed this on twitter! I am so sorry this has happened to you <3. I will be praying hard for you!!

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  36. Again... tears... tears that my BFF has to go through this. Tears that you must feel this pain and confusion about why this had to happen. Angry that you had to go through this after such a rough medical year. Upset that you had to feel any loss during such a happy time of year. I love you dearly and wish I could take the pain away. Sending hugs every minute of every hour of every day until I see you again.

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  37. Thinking of you and sending you lots of ((HUGS))

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  38. Just want to say I am here. Hugs and I am thinking about you every time I see your Christmas card hanging above the sofa.

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  39. I am so sorry sweetie. Please know That I am hugging you from accross the miles!

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  40. I am so sorry. Many many hugs from someone who knows all too well what you are going through.

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  41. So sorry about the ectopic pregnancy and the feelings it has brought up. Hang in there. Lots of hugs.

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  42. I'm late reading this and commenting, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you all. I can't imagine all the different emotions you must be feeling. Sending you some hugs

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  43. Oh honey, my heart absolutely breaks for you. I am so sorry you and Mook had to go through this. {{{Hugs}}} love and prayers coming to you.

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  44. Catching up. So sorry. This truly sucks. Must have felt like an awful punch in the gut.

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  45. Sending hugs - from Rach's friend in Florida.

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  46. I'm so sorry you had to go through this -- so close to Christmas to boot. (((hugs)))

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  47. I had sent my thoughts your way via Twitter and then completely neglected to post on your blog as well.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You are so right about the bling spot observation. It's one thing to be hit with bad pregnancy news while you're actually trying, but another when you aren't.

    I had a terrible ectopic experience and hope that your will resolve easily. Thinking of you.

    And again, apologies for not commenting sooner.

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  48. I'm so sorry, JJ. Thinking about you guys...

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  49. Oh JJ, Oh no.
    sending you all the love I can..and hope for this year coming, that all your dreams come true..in whatever form they come in.

    Hugs, Hugs, Hugs...
    Oh JJ. I'm just so sorry.

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  50. Im so behind in my reading/commenting. Please accept my sincere hugs and prayers for peace. Im not giving up hope for you, you didn't give up on me or any of the wonderful women that you support. Thank you JJ, and I pray you can enjoy this season and next couple months with your family. Two incredible reasons to celebrate, Mook and O-man. <<>>

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  51. I'm so sorry for your news. What a thing to wrap your head around.

    Bea

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