hope: a dangerous 4-letter-word

Lovely title, I know. But:

• How can I hold back that elusive "four letter word" when I am on CD 28, and there is no sign of AF dropping off her bags?
  
• How can I not let the dangerous HOPE creep in my thoughts when for the past 5 cycles, dear AF has showed up by now?
  
• How can I keep myself from P.OA.S when I don't want to give up on HOPE when I look down to see one line instead of 2?
• How easily I can envision myself calling our RE and saying: "Thanks, but I don't need ya!"
• How I feel no "typical" signs, but by now my boobs are getting the old poke and prod every 2 minutes to see if they really hurt more than usual.
• How I want to HOPE that by throwing this past cycle to the wind, that nature really did take its course?

I guess through all of the things we have already been through, and all of the things that we are preparing to go through, that HOPE will never let us go--we just have to be willing to hold onto HOPE........

no rest for the weary!

Thanks for all the get well wishes! I am feeling much better, but it's still not gone completely--I have had to be very proactive with my doctor to let her know that I am still having symptoms of the crud, so I will hopefully get more medicine this weekend to knock it out completely! It doesn't help that I have had a very busy work week that has kept me on the go, so I had to go from the couch right into hectic mode again, which probably doesn't help. We have been having puuuurfect weather to be outside walking (which I love) but I have not been able to take advantage of it due to my hyper-active nose and persistent cough! I want to be at least 5 lbs lighter by the time we take our big vacation to Key W.est and Dis.ney in June--we literally get back the week before we hop aboard the I.VF train...I think that will be perfect though--it will keep our minds and bodies rested (due to the lovely margaritaaaaas and key lime pie--yum!)

I am also hoping to be able to chop off my hair around that time. I have been growing it out for about a year and 1/2 for Pante.ne Pro-V's Beau.tiful Len.gths --and I'd love to have a cute hair cut for the beach! I still get nervous about it though--it will be a drastic change! I will hopefully be able to cut off at least 10 inches! Yikes! I need to start looking for short hairstyles that I like so I know what to tell the woman who cuts it off! I want it to at least be long enough to tuck behind my ears--I am a low maintenance gal when it comes to hair!

Not too much to update on the I.VF train ride...we are brainstorming about all the funds we will need--thank you to all who have given us ideas about meds--that helps a lot! It is just so frustrating that our insurance doesn't cover any of the procedure part--I just can't grasp how these multi-million dollar companies don't view infer.tility treatments as something that deserves FULL coverage. Someday....
BUT we do have the chance to attend a free I.VF seminar that my doctor is hosting for the public in our area, and they are giving away $3K worth of meds!!! WHOO HOO--and it's limited seating, so we should have at least a good chance of winning. They are also giving away a dinner for 2, and one other prize that I can't remember right now...but it's next month right before my birthday-so what a great present that would be - free meds!

Have a wonderful weekend!

no hope lost

I am surprised that any of the last post made sense-since I had "med-head" from the sud.afed I was popping like candy...which turned out to be a waste since shortly after posting, I made myself go to the doctor-turns out I had pneumonia! Wowzers...I was down and out the past few days!! Mook was a fantabulous nurse! He took such good care of me! And I thank my lucky stars we didnt have any procedures planned this cycle, as it would have been a total BUST since it fell on the same days as my sickly state. So no hope lost!

Thanks to everyone for understanding where I was coming from about the "feeling left out." I definitely feel VERY welcome and supported in this tight community, and I am forever thankful!

Mook and I plan to sit down this week and really dig into our financial situation--the beginning of July seems far off, but next week is already May. Holy cow. Baby Blues said it last week, and I'll second the notion that waiting sure is easier when there is no waiting to do! If anyone on the IVF train, or those gearing up for it, has any good info on getting the best price on the meds or what to do as far as a loan if your insurance doesn't cover squat, I'd love some info!

Just wanted to pop in and remind every one that it's not too late to join
The Braces Bunch!See the previous post for instructions! Thanks to those of you who have jumped in--this will be lots of fun! I will get an email out to you all soon!

I always wanted braces...

I was one of the lucky few...I never needed braces. Probably a good thing too since I have a strong dislike of anything resembling a dentist chair. But in some strange twisted way, I sometimes envied my friends who had them. They got to get out of school to get their braces tightened or adjusted, they got cool color-coordinated rubber bands, and often times it was a discussion at the lunch table over what foods they missed eating or couldn't have. I found myself on the outside of many conversations...

And here I am again. Having that same twisted feeling. (Please tread lightly on the following statements, knowing that I am using this blog as my form of venting and healing.) Mook and I had a funny feeling from the time we started the investigation into what might be causing a delay in our journey to parenthood-that something was wrong with me. I have a history of painful and irregular periods, so it was the only rational explanation. As we soon found out, it was just the opposite. I have been given a "clean bill of health-all organs operating correctly." Mook had to hear the crushing news that it was male factor that we are dealing with. It made us both sad, angry, hurt-but at the same time, we had an answer; something to work with and it was time to move forward.

So here comes the part where the twisted feelings come in. Why isn't it me? I was prepared to have to deal with medications, ultrasounds, the poking and prodding- the whole sha-bang. Having to watch Mook shoulder the blame and guilt has been so heart-breaking. We have come a long way since the initial news, and have been one of the lucky couples who are growing stronger through this.

But here is my burden- and I am letting it go as of this post. I was feeling "left-out" since many of the blogs I have found in this IF circle are you ladies dealing with the harsh reality that your body is not "normal" (I hesitate to even use normal, since none of us in this circle know what normal is anymore...but hopefully you know what I mean.) It's the braces club all over again...but that is something I have to let go of, and realize we are ALL in this together. All of you have been so wonderful and supportive and a WEALTH of knowledge as Mook and I began on this journey-and I am so beyond thankful for that. So I ask that you forgive my silly-middle-school-girl feelings!

Whew, I feel better! And I don't mean to exclude those girls who are going through this journey dealing with MF. Tara, your blog has been such a comfort for me, and I am so sorry for the sadness you have already felt--but you are in my thoughts daily! As are the rest of you...

As far as our journey update: we met with our new RE last week. Great appointment--just really felt at home in his office. It's a small staff and they are close to our house, which is a plus! They are still building up a part of their office, so the actual retrieval and transfer part of IVF is done about 60 miles from us. So as you may have guessed from that statement, we are moving forward with doing our first IVF w/ I.CSI at the beginning of July. Wow. It's amazing to just type that...we had a long talk after our appointment last week--Mook was having some heavy feelings--the demon of guilt crept back in, but we were able to work through that! We have some time on our hands to work through the emotions, questions and fears that accompany this upcoming journey. We have to prepare financially and emotionally-both equally challenging! But that's why we are lucky to have this blog community--and some of my fellow cycle sista.s are joining me on the I.VF train in the next few months (Mands and Baby Blues) and many are already on the train...so make some room for us!So I'll still be around until then...just living life beyond IF. Isn't that what we all hope to do?

So to close, I'd like to open up a chance to participate in The Braces Bunch. I love snail mail--nothing is quite as exciting as opening the mail box and having some snail-mail love. I know many of us wish to have anonymity regarding our blogs, but if you would like to participate here is what I am thinking:

1. E-mail me @: reprojeans@gmail.com if you would like to participate. You don't have to include a last name, just simply:

JJ
Address
City, State Zip

2. Please indicate if you don't mind your address being shared with others who are participating. This list will be send out in a email for all participants to send some snail mail!

3. This does not have to be fancy snail mail. I love post cards-easy to find, cheap, and postage is cheap too! (even for our international bloggers!) And I promise I am a GOOD person=) No spam, chain letters or junk will be sent!

4. Even if just one person responds, this will be a great pick-me up as many of us are in the waiting game to start a treatment, the dreaded 2ww, or just simply to make someones day.

AND Many thanks to Serenity for organizing a get-together of the bloggers who can meet-up! This an additional way to feel connected if we aren't able to financially afford the trip (or even if we can go!)

My heart goes out to anyone who have loved ones/friends at Virginia Te.ch. I grew up only 45 minutes from Black.sburg and had many friends attend the school-and have been to the campus many times. It's so difficult to comprehend tragedy like this...I do hope it helps bring people closer together.

2 tickets please!

Well, as you may have guessed, Aunt Flo dropped off her bags yesterday--and just like Baby Blues, she came a day early! What's up with that?! Damn her. I told her I didn't want her to visit anymore, but she seems to be hard headed...

I made a foolish mistake and caved--I used one of my O.pk's to test on Monday night--Dr. Google, it's your fault! I read that sometimes a positive O.pk can indicate a positive h.pt. Well guess what--I got 2 lines on my o.pk!! I let HOPE come stumbling in...Mook and I went out that night and bought some h.pt's (I balanced it out by buying a few more O.pk's so I wouldn't jinx myself). Seems I was too late. I slept GREAT on Monday night, inspired by the fact that my boobs were even a little sore PLUS the 2 lines! Tuesday morning I cheerily dropped the pee onto the stick and went back to bed for 10 minutes. I started to talk myself down a bit--I didn't have HIGH hopes of a positive--just didn't "feel" it. Then truth time: one darn line. Not even a shadow of a second. Fooey.

No tears, not even too sad (ok, I lied-of course I was sad)--almost a sense of relief to be done with the cycle. Although Aunt F.lo had not showed her ugly face yet, I knew she was coming. Sure enough late last night she arrived. Only 25 days in my cycle this month...shortest yet. So I drove to work yesterday thinking about the glass of wine I would have and the pedicure I was going to get (going today at 1!). I decided to go ahead and call my favorite nurse at Dr. D's office to let her know, and see what he suggested for this month.

The short of the long: Dr. D's honesty is much appreciated. He and kind-nurse both talked to me almost immediately after I phoned. I expressed my concern of this past non-monitored cycle--asked if we could try a monitored possibly medicated cycle. His response, "JJ, I'm just going to be honest. I don't think you and Mook should invest too much more time in this procedure. I want to refer you onto Dr. RE--I want to give you all the best chance possible to have a biological child, and i.vf with ics.i is your best shot." To quote one of my favorite movies, A Christmas St.ory, "fuuuuuuuddddgeeeeee, except I didn't say fudge." You get the picture...

Freakin' flippity frick stick!! I am joining BB in her Virtual Pity Party. But not for long...we get sad, mad and then we pick ourselves up and move on. I broke the news to Mook last night--another tough pill to swallow. It breaks my heart to hear him say, "I'm sorry I'm broken." Those words have been banished from our house! We are in this together-my ute has to behave and keep strong to host the eggs to come! I am still concerned that my L.P phase is too short--may have to get some hormone blood work done. But that will all be addressed with Dr. RE next week--thank goodness they work fast and got us in next Tuesday! I don't view this as giving up on I.UI's--we knew from the beginning that we could attempt it that way, but with the facts before us, our little swim team is going to need some help getting to the end of the race--and help we will give. ( I love you Mook-don't you ever forget it!)

With that said, we have agreed to listen, digest and think about all that Dr. RE has to say--we have A LOT to think about--our insurance covers zero. Time to start selling body parts. Depending on the plan of action, we hope to just go back to au naturel until the summer--we have trips planned and want to continue living life beyond IF!! We both want to get back in better shape--now is the time! We had dinner with our wonderful friends/neighbors last night and they have an energetic 4-year old--she reminds us how much we want that for ourselves--and also reminds us we are gonna need a lot of energy! She was the one that brought the first tears of the day to my eyes: "Ms. JJ, I want to make you a bracelet like mine, cause I love you." Ahh, kids....

So here we are. I don't think it's fair I call us "Stage VI: The Veteran Infertile" yet, but buying 2 tickets for the I.VF train may get us some sort of diploma...stick with us as we enter into this new phase. Please pray that we are able to find a way to make this work where $$ is concerned!

P.S. Thanks for ALL the great IF shirt suggestions. There will be many shirts hanging in my closet for sure!