Guest Blogger: CoCo

Goooooood morning, blogosphere! Happy Monday! Can you tell I've had my caffeine fix today!?

So further introductions are needed: as I mentioned, my name is CoCo, and I am one of JJ's closest friends. Well...she uses the the term "friend" loosely when she talks about me...but let me tell ya, JJ is so excited to see me every morning! But tell me, is "crap" a new way of saying hello? Cause she sure uses that word a lot when we talk...

I see that an update is needed-it's been a good 2 weeks since JJ checked in. So, an update you shall get--all through my eyes, of course! I must say thank you on behalf of JJ and Mook for all the lovely anniversary wishes--she definitely appreciates them all and I know she couldn't be going through this journey with just ME as an ally! I know I give her a hard time a lot, so it's good to know she has support when I'm not being so nice. Shame on me...

Anywho-I got to travel along for the anniversary trip to the beautiful NC mountains! Wowee, what a trip. JJ and I really connected--I guess it had something to do with me asking her to POAS on CD9-I know she was worried I wasn't going to ask until it was too late! Not to fear, I was not going to let her down! It was fun to hear her scream: yippee!--even Mook got excited. I think he is still amazed that I know so much about ovulation. I don't want to brag, but...

I decided to hang out in the condo most of the time though--I wanted to give JJ and Mook some time to reconnect and have good time without worrying about me. They got to go shopping in the cute little shops around town, enjoyed beautiful fall weather, had some great food and Mook gave JJ the most beautiful sapphire and diamond band to celebrate their marriage-what a sweetie he is.

I happened to catch a conversation they had one night after coming back from the bar at the lodge. Here's the story-it was almost closing time, and JJ and Mook were the only ones left in the bar--they were enjoying a glass of wine, and the bartender was making small talk with them-asking where they were from, why they were there, etc. Mook smiled and said that they were there celebrating their anniversary--and the bartender commented that he had just met another couple celebrating their anniversary. He said that they were going to have to cut their trip short to go home to take care of their sick child. He asked if JJ and Mook had any kids, to which they just half-smiled and shook their heads, no...to which the bartender said "Well BE HAPPY!" He continued to say, "Look, you guys look like you are young-enjoy your freedom and have fun. You don't have to worry about the stress of going home on a moments notice and loosing out on a trip you have looked forward to for months." I could tell when JJ and Mook were talking about this later on that night, that it was what they needed to hear at that moment. Yes, they want a child(ren) SO very much, but it calmed them to think that they were able to enjoy slap-happy comments from a bartender who will never know how appropriate his words were...

Sadly, we all had to get back in the car and head back to reality-but we did take the Blue Ri.dge Park.way home--and I got to see a beautiful view! Want to see a picture? I had to take one for my scrapbook:


Life after the trip has had it's ups and down: more ups though, I think. I was able to give JJ one day of "High Fer.tility" and 2 days of "Peak" so she definitely smiled at me those days--she didn't use the word "crap" at all! I know that it has been a comfort to her knowing that she is ovulating, and is giving Mook's swimmers the best chance to make contact! This morning I gave her a reading of CD25. So it's getting close to the end of a 2 week wait. She mutters in the morning that she has no symptoms, but is still thankful that she feels like she had a chance to make the most of those fertile days!

They continue to be happy for their friends who announced their news a few weeks ago. Mook is struggling with some job stress, and they are hoping that it all works out for the best. A few house-hold items have gone on the fritz (le toliet) and that caused a night of "going to bed mad." They have talked a few times about upcoming plans--it's almost time for JJ to call her RE to schedule the FET--and they are both very anxious about that. I am hoping I can help them have success before any more medical intervention--so cheer me on! Speaking of cheering: JJ says congrats to all her pals that have had recent success, and even though she hasn't been able to comment much-she wishes you well. And sends big hugs to those who are having some tough times.

Whew, blogging makes me tired. I think I'll take off now--I need to go gear up for another cycle. Well, honestly I'd love to take a vacation in the deep dark corner of a bathroom cabinet-maybe I'll get my wish....

"Where there is hope for the future, there is power in the present."

Thanks to my wonderful, supportive mom for sharing such a great reminder. She heard this in a sermon while they were trying to get pregnant with me. My mom has been very supportive since we started this journey, and I want to share a snippet of an email she sent me this week--one of the most powerful connections I have ever felt to my sweet mommy....

"....I have always felt your yearning, but it just really hit me hard for you the other night....I could just truly, truly feel and sense your emotions Sunday night. Also, yesterday I got out the diary I started for you when I found out I was pregnant with you. It brought back sooooo many memories.....memories I can't wait for you to have.....it reaffirmed for me that it will happen for you. I don't know when, but I just know in my mommy heart it will."

The reason for the emotions on Sunday night: our best friends came over Sunday afternoon to let their 5-year-old check out our Halloween decorations...we did our usual small chit-chat, I showed her the awesome wine-cooler Mook got me for our anniversary (this sucker holds 40 bottles!) and since she's my wine buddy, I told her she could come partake anytime...well, that's when the news was announced. She started crying...and then, I just knew.

Pregnant.

Mook had actually known for about a week--they wanted to be sensitive to what we have been through, and I really do appreciate it. There are friendly fertiles out there=) We knew they were trying-so it helped pad the shock a little-and they weren't sure she'd be able to--she's had some medical issues since having her 1st.

Of course I burst into tears when they left--SO bittersweet for me. I was so thankful for their gentle way of telling me, but so sad that it wasn't me sharing the news, and reinforced my struggle with being idle. Mook came back inside to find me sobbing in the "extra" bedroom...he thought I might be mad at him for not preparing me--but I wasn't at all. I knew he needed the time to process the news as well--he said he came home that night after they told him and cried--well of course that made me cry harder. We just sat side by side for a while, feeling such mixed emotions. Later that evening, we shared a toast over 2 glasses of wine, both of us saying the exact same thing: "To what lies ahead..."

We are heading into the mountains to celebrate our anniversary...and enjoy some happy emotions!

:Trying to gain power in the present:

Kindness is...

Many thanks to April for the "sweet" gift, just when I needed it most--and sadly, right after this picture was taken, the right corner mysteriously disappeared...........

Ok, so I admit it gals (and gents): I'm at that place where I feel like I'm waving at everyone as they run past me, sitting on the curb holding my knees. Saturday's events have continued to haunt me more than I would like--I would do the same thing again, but it's been a painful reminder this week. Yes, hormones are playing a part since the dear aunt is due anytime now...

I tell you all we are fine, that we are enjoying this "down time", which we are....but.

But....I can be sitting at my desk, driving home from work, or brushing my teeth, and I get this feeling that I can't breathe. It's not fun. I get sad, I get scared-pretty darn scared. What if this doesn't happen for us?

I don't like sitting still-it's not in my DNA to be idle-just ask Mook. I'm always looking ahead, planning for something, and since we are just sort of idling right now, it makes me a bit antsy, bitter and sad. It makes it hard for me to be joyful for others. It makes me wallow in self pity. And that is not who I like to be. I like to be a helper, a confidant, a shoulder...but I guess after a while, a helper needs to be helped-right? (heeeeelp)

So I need to re-group a bit-I need to be OK with being still....



Hello to the new blogs I found through Lori's Chain: I started at Von's blog and got to: Tracy then to Meg then onto Lut C and then to SquarePeg and lastly to SoCo Glad to have "linked" over to all of you!

"JJ runs down the field as an open receiver..."

Well, as you can clearly see by my little ticker on the right, I did not reach my happiness challenge goal, but it was a good effort--and I will continue to work my way to goal even though it's October-wow, it's already October?!

My goal was to walk every morning--and although I love the good feeling of walking and the results I began to see--some mornings were just hard. Sleep can do funny things to the mind--especially if you are going to bed at midnight and then setting your alarm for 6:30am. The walks that I did take allowed for some "me" time, and that I am grateful for. Some days brought tough reminders, but even those helped me to be honest with myself about the pain I felt from our failed ivf cycle, and about the hope I have for what lies ahead....

So I will plow ahead--and be realistic--it might not happen every morning, but I'll remember how good it feels when I do wrestle my internal sleep-o-meter to get up and GO!

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Our weekend was pretty good-we went tailgating with my in-laws, got to see our Alma mater play a great football game, kept our windows open ALL day (mmm fall temperatures), did the "fall cleaning" in the yard and inside. It was great being able to be outside in such great weather--we do need rain badly, so I will welcome some gray days, but I'll take advantage of the sun while I can!

Being at the football game this weekend, I ended up having to take some game-terminology literally. And I had to put my pride/feelings in check for 2 reasons: helping a fan of the opposing team, and this fan was pregnant.

Yeah, two biggies in a span of 15 minutes.

I'll back up a bit: there was no shade on either side of the stadium, so well into the 3rd quarter I was beginning to feel like a sardine---the game being sold out, we were all packed into the bleachers quite intimately. I needed some personal space and some shade! I decided to walk off towards the back of the stadium where I wasn't subjected to small kids running around and lawn-blankets full of babies/families.

But fate had a bigger plan for me than running into the occasional adorable two-year-old...as I was rounding towards the restroom area, I felt a hand grasp my arm--a bit startled, I turned to see a woman I didn't know, doubling over as she grasped tighter on my arm. OK, my first thought is: great, I've got a drunk, annoying fan from the opposing team about to puke on my shoes. Fantastic.

Umm, not so much. Yes, she was about to puke. Yes, she was from the opposing team, but she was not drunk--probably hasn't had a drink in about 4 months. A sweet face looks up at me, hands me her cell phone and croaks "Please just hit send-tell my husband Dave to come get me at the ladies room. I'm pregnant, and I feel very sick." I do just as I'm told-and unfortunately Dave is on the other side of the stadium. So I lead her over to the shade, and help her sit--I get her a bottle of water and she goes right back to grasping my arm. We don't talk much-just the occasional, "are you feeling better?" Dave finally arrives--he thanks me, she gives me half smile--and then I back away. He has already alerted the EMS on hand to come assist her--they quickly get her on a stretcher, and then they are gone...

I just stayed in the same place for a while--not really knowing what to do. I kept looking at the spot where she sat. Wondering if she would be OK. Wondering if her baby will be OK. She wasn't too far along, I'm guessing--but you could tell she was pregnant. I felt so many feelings in that span of 15 minutes, its overwhelming to think about. And I hate to admit that jealousy was still one of those feelings. I know at one point I even looked down at her wrist to see if she might be wearing a pomegranate bracelet...

I hope and pray she is OK...and that the baby was fine. I know someone else would have done the same thing if she had grasped their arm, but I was meant to be the open receiver that day...