Hide the Mouse

Everyone is probably very aware at this point of the financial crisis going on in the US, and naturally that has caused a lot of us to panic. When I panic, I search out info--as much as I can get, as often as I can get it.

While I am concerned about the financial situation, my specific panic has been...well, just stuff.

Who knows where it comes from, or why some days are better than others. But as we approach our Level II ultra sound on Thursday, I have found myself clicking away with my mouse searching for articles that relate to all of the following: complete placenta previa (which I currently still have), heart murmurs, and increased vaginal discharge.

• In regards to the placenta previa search: this is a "justified" search in my mind, since I have it. Some of the stories/medical facts are absolutely terrifying. And I cant seem to stop reading once I start. It really wraps around my mind, and it's a bit paralyzing. Seeing more in regards to risks/concerns other than resolving and no concerns has me reeling...

• I don't know why I keep typing in heart murmur into the search bar. It just scares me, and so therefore I seek out the information to help me understand it more.

• Increased vag discharge: this I do have. I actually called the nurse today to hear it come out of her mouth that it is normal--I just hate feeling what I call a small gush, since I've been down the road of spotting/bleeding, and I freeze every time I feel it.
  

I must come across as a bit neurotic and definitely a worry wort. I think going through the experience of bed rest and the hemorrhage so early on has made me so cautious and it all comes back to what I can and can't control. And this whole experience is out of my control.

Mook and I are definitely so excited about Thursday, but also nervous. It's so cliche, but all I want is a healthy child--boy or girl. Have you entered your guess yet?

Bottom line, I just need to stay away from Dr. Google and give my mouse a rest, right? I need to trust that my OB continues to give me the information I need and let it go.

Thanks for listening and understanding my need to click...or should I say need to be click-less.

Seventeen

This past week, I have caught myself singing: "I am 16 goiiing on 17, I know that I'm naive..."

Ahh, weren't those the days: I was definitely naive at 16, 17, 18...well, you get my point. It's appropriate to have been singing this song not only for little Ron's progress, but for remembering life when I was 16 and 17.

My ten year high school reunion is coming up. Ten years ago, I could have guaranteed you that I would not be having a reunion. My class was, umm, less than motivated. Most senior classes plan a trip or do something to commemorate the big send off, right? Picture ours as a mild version of Valley High...the cliques could be vicious, and that unfortunately cut down on the bonding between all classmates. When asked, I honestly respond that I was never part of a specific group. Sure, I had/have my close friends that I still keep in touch with, but I also was a part of the drama club, track team, and my favorite class senior year was Accounting 101. I was the only (and I am quoting here) "Cool-ass-white-girl" in my class. They still like to remind me of that!

So when I found out a few months ago, that some of my friends were making an effort to get this reunion together, I had mixed emotions. I'll just come out and say it: I either wanted to be one skinny bitch....or pregnant. How many of you are nodding your head? Knowing that if I wasn't skinny, I'd be comparing myself to every other girl there, and if I wasn't pregnant, I couldn't deal with everyone asking us "So, when are you going to have kids?" with that shit-eating grin plastered on their face.

We've decided we are going to the reunion. Fall in my hometown is so beautiful--and I haven't been home since...umm...yea, it's been a long time. I'm also looking forward to sharing those high school memories with Mook-he's met enough of my HS friends, that he won't feel left out of conversations. And what a trooper for agreeing to go with me!

Would I be a skinny bitch by now? Umm, hell no. And now that I am providing Ron a place to grow, do I feel more comfortable going? I'd be lying if I didn't say yes. BUT I have no intention of wearing a belly hugging dress/shirt to make it obvious, and I won't be the person asking the other couples "So, when are you going to have kids"

Have you all gone to your reunions--how did you feel about going, and what are your conditions if you do go?


So with Ron's 17th week, I crossed a milestone. I bought something. I have been given things, but I have not yet purchased anything. Until yesterday. And I'm in love with it. In love with a bib. I just happened to go to Etsy, and it was there...just staring at me. My little bluebird...

Mook and I are trying to plan a little get-away for our upcoming anniversary...he keeps reminding me it could be our last trip child-free. Hmm...what a concept.

Other than that, we are counting down the days until the anatomy scan! I have really enjoyed noticing Ron's presence with the flutters--some are very pronounced. I worry each morning when I get up and my belly has flattened back out since I still don't "look" the part unless I wear a shirt that covers me in just the right way. But as long as he/she's in there cookin', I'm ok with the shape of my body parts.

Hope you all are enjoying the fall weather as much as I am. While the summer blessed us (and scared the bejeezus out of me) I'm glad to welcome a new season...

Caps for Sale

Well, that's false advertisement--but it is one of my favorite books from childhood and it makes me happy, just like this post will make me happy.

I have some left over meds/needles that will expire in November and December, so I would love to send them to someone(s). I have been so blessed to receive left over meds from other bloggers and would love to "Pay it Forward"

I'll list the general info here on what I have, but please leave a comment or e-mail me directly (reprojeans@gmail.com) if I can send them to you or answer any questions.

• Repronex 75 IU
• Menopur 75 IU
• Bravelle 75 IU
• Vivelle dot 0.1
  
• Assortment of needles
  

It Still Stings

Let me get on my soapbox first thing:

To the Today Show: while I appreciate your effort in talking about infertility, your look into male factor was, at best, skimming the surface. This is, of course, just my opinion from where we personally stand in the male factor scheme of things...

I had seen Mel's announcement on L&F that Matt and crew would be talking about infertility all week, and it just so happened that yesterday, Mook and I were at home together in the early morning and turned on the news before getting out of bed. Just in time...the segment was just starting, and it was clear they would be talking about male factor.

It's amazing how quickly the mood shifted in that moment--I reached over for Mook's hand, and we watched the first 2 couple's they highlighted--one diagnosed with azoospermia, and one that had frozen his sperm due to cancer earlier in life. I was glad they highlighted the fact that it took one of the couple's more than just one try to conceive their little girl...it helps to hear that every now and then. Also, I am in no way downplaying either cases highlighted above: it's just hard for me, and especially Mook, when we don't see or hear medical experts and news programs talking about those (like Mook) who have had little to no answer (other than pure speculations: botched hernia surgery) as to why he has a certain count, motility and morphology. This aspect has always been very difficult for him.

Mook got up about half way through the last interview--we both could tell it wasn't going to highlight "someone like him"...I decided not to pry-I've learned when to just let it go. So again, while I am glad they took the time to report that male factor is now the cause of 50% of infertility cases, I look forward to the day that they are really looking at men's cases as much as women--I know this would have helped Mook identify with other men going through the same thing-isolation has been one of the toughest things for him.

-end of soapbox-

In other news: went in for my AFP testing yesterday--should have those results next week. As always, Ill be praying and holding my breath until then. No peek at Ron yesterday, but was able to talk with the OB--he showed me where the top of my uterus is now-right below my belly button-which helped convince me that the growth is where it needs to be. Heart rate is sticking around 143-145...do I dare to believe the old wives tale and think we have a true Ron, and not a Roni? We'll know for sure in 14 days...

I'm still getting those "what the heck is that" sort of pull/pinch, but was reassured yesterday that it's all the growth. Don't think I'll ever truly take that in! And I'm taking the one "advantage" of my previa (since the placenta is so low that he/she does not have to kick through it) to be that I have definitely felt Ron's fluttering...sort of like water rippling. It's not constant, but makes me jump when I feel it! Still battling the nose issues, and occasional stomach irritations-but energy is good during the day, and zilch by 6pm.

One thing I've had a really hard time admitting we need to do is: look into daycare. Truly, Mook has had to sit me down and have a chat, because I can't even bring myself to spend much time in the will-be-nursery yet...but I'm getting there. The whole thing is so foreign to me, and it's almost like playing house. I'm convinced the person on the other end of the line is smirking and thinking "what the hell is this woman doing looking for daycare for a child that's not even born yet."

One small step at a time, right?

15 Weeks

Thank you, Merci, Muchas Gracias! You ladies are the best on-call doctors out there. To know that I could come to my blog, post a very important and pressing question (because Im a worry-wort) and then get answers almost immediately, makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. Truly, thank you.

So the update on the s-o-s. Come to find out....they never sent off my urine sample. Was it a busy day at the office? Did a nurse flake out? Who knows...but I'm just glad they gave me medicine regardless. When I talked to the nurse that day, she along with my doctor were pretty convinced it was a UTI or those bladder spasms caused by some sort of infection. I trusted their judgment, and took the medicine as soon as I got home. And lo-and-behold, it worked--it's just still strange to me, since I have had quite a few UTI's in my time, and none have ever felt like this. I am still getting the sharp pains every once in a while--but not in the frequency I was having them. At my appointment on Monday, they told me that they would still send off the sample (which to me is a bit gross--can pee be tested more than a week later?) and would call me if the results came back any different. I was fine with that--but expressed my concern about the pain coming back. I still have a few days left with my antibiotic, so I'll just have to see how things go once that is gone.

In other news, I'm 15 weeks today! Each Wednesday morning, I do a little hip-hip-hooray cheer and say a pray of thanks...each milestone is worth celebrating, even in the smallest of ways. I went back to the doctor this past Monday-given the fact that the hematoma was present again last week, he said to keep me from stressing, he'd have me come in for a heartbeat check and cervix check. (both of which were good. HB was about 146, and cervix long and closed). Of course I wiggled my way into getting another ultrasound--I think they felt bad about the urine sample, so they had me come back later that afternoon. And it was worth it.

I got the better of the 2 u/s techs they have--I really honestly cant stand one of them. So I was thrilled when I saw the other one grab my chart and call me back-she spends so much time, and explains everything as she does it. She did both trans-vaginal and abdominal to make sure she got all angles. Still complete previa, but the placenta is "nice and thick"--and she took the time to measure my vaginal canal too, and check for any "spots" that might cause the pain--come to find out I have a short vagina :0) So I could just be feeling a lot of what is going on right at my cervix. And I need to say this quietly, so I dont jinx it again...but the hematoma was completely gone. She took other measurements, and gave me a really nice shot of Ron--if you would like to see, they are in the Glamor Shots. We also made our anatomy u/s appointment: October 2nd!

The next little bit is simply for my reference and to give a list of things for anyone else who may be feeling/going through similar things, feel free to skip...


~~~~~~~~~~~~

How I'm feeling/what my body is doing to me:

Nose issues: pretty much since 6 weeks, and it shows no sign of letting up
Dry skin: it looks like I never put lotion on
Ready to call it quits by 4pm: not necessarily sleepy, but my body just doesn't have the ummpf to do much of anything
Still the occasional toilet worshiping-if I eat too late, or something too sweet, it all comes back up
My boobs still haven't changed-I feel the occasional twinge, but no swelling or darkening. The girls are just chillin', which is fine with me--Im already a DD, so I'm hoping things will just stay status quo.
My bladder: along with those spasms, Im just having issues with the pee-production. I guess it really is all the shifting and moving around down there. I try my darnedest to drink all day long--but even then, I'll only pee once or twice during the day. Then I'm up peeing 4-5 times at night!
Twinges/Cramps/RLP: definitely have felt the round ligament pain in both sides now, and can distinguish what it is. I'll get these strange twinges/pulling if I take deep breaths or shift while sitting-right near my pubic bone-those sort of freak me out. And I'll get a very dull like AF cramp, but its fleeting-but its mostly if I've been in one position to long.
My belly button: I know this sounds silly, but it's exciting for me. It's changing! I can tell and see that it's stretching out-and this makes me more aware that I'm getting a bit of a belly, and it's not just flab.
Weight: Until Monday, I had actually lost 12 pounds...sort of concerning to me, but the doctor was reassuring me it was OK given all that I was going through: the bed rest, nausea, etc. But I have gained back 3, and hopefully will stay at a healthy gain for the remainder.
Absent-Minded Professor: never believed the whole "pregnancy brain" but it's either that, or I'm randomly loosing brain cells.

~~~~~~~~~~~~


Im very excited to be getting back to reading blogs--slowly but surely I am catching up! It's been like sitting down with a good book--sad, good, bad, and all in between--Im enjoying re-connecting--and I'm making my way to new blogs as well!

As a total side note, Im still trying to get a support group together in my area--Ive been working with a counselor through one of our hospital systems--we hope to get at least a few meetings in before the holidays. I will most likely step out as I start to "show" because I know all too well what that feels like, but I have wanted this group to happen for so long, that I hope I can at least be a part of it at the beginning. So again, if anyone in the NC area is reading...be sure to get in touch!

So I'm settling in a little more each day with how things are progressing--I did have a total meltdown last week about everything--Mook didnt know quite what to do with me with all the crocodile tears and shuddering. Not whining or playing the sympathy card here, but it has been so hard to go a whole day of this pregnancy without some type of fear. I've looked forward to this phase of my life for so long, that I want to be thankful and joyful-so each day I'm doing my best to push fear out of the limelight...

s-o-s

Real post coming soon...

In the meantime, I once again come to you asking for assistance. Cause right now, I'm saying this a lot:



This may border on TMI, but it's necessary to explain my OUCH issue....

I am having shooting pain, pinching feelings in the vaginal wall area--even creeping into the labia area. It's very low, not AF type cramps, but very much so in my vaginal area. I did go to my doctor on Tuesday: he checked my cervix (long and closed) and took a urine sample--which came back "ugly" so they have sent it off for further results--which are not back yet. He saw no issues in the exam, and even took a peek with an ultrasound. No areas of concern--but I do have to say that I may have jinxed Voldy--it's grown again. FRICK! It now resembles a hot dog (it's because Im eating those hot dogs--ahhh!)--its still measuring .9 in one way, but in the other direction it's stretched long. Could be because of Ron growing and putting pressure on it--and it's also right next to the placenta--which still covers my cervix. Not a whole lot I can do....

Anyway...so I left Tuesday at least reassured that everything was OK--but now the pain more frequent--to the point it's waking me up at night, and is sooo painful. So I called back this morning--even though they dont have my urine culture back, the doc thinks it could be bladder related, causing me to have "bladder spasms" Now of course I can't get my prescription until tonight when I head home (since Im back at work today!) so I have to wait a bit longer. Im hooooping it is bladder related--but I don't have the typical UTI symptoms--I can pee fine, no pain, none of that.

I'm trying not to worry about it affecting Ron--but it's just plain painful and annoying--can't find a comfortable position at all. Again, not constant, but when it starts its a pulsing feeling and when I picture it visually, it's like taking a gong to a drum--that type of vibrating pain. Am I making sense? Just to clarify too, it's not in the area that the "typical" round ligament pain would happen--I got the doc to point out where that would occur. But could it still be stretching, blood flow, pressure?

Any help at all or suggestions appreciated.
Edited to add: MrsSpock gave it a perfect description: it feels like knives!