Thursday, May 3, 2007

The TP Tango

You all are wonderful...thank you for holding onto hope for us. She is a tricky lady...I don't think I have ever felt hope the way I have in the past 9+ months--it takes on a totally different meaning for all of us holding her hand until the very last moment...

Sadly, she said goodbye to me late yesterday and traded places with a lazy Aun.t Flo. I knew better than to hold hope's hand too strong--simply because of how sick I was the past few weeks and all the anti.biotics I was on. Honestly, I would have been worried if AF had not showed and we got a b.fp--it would have been a dangerous first few weeks not knowing if the tiny life could hold on through all that my body has been through. So I am thankful for avoiding a possible heartache. And ya'll (can't you just hear that southern twang!) I never POA.S...that took some serious strength! I just wanted to hold onto hope as long as I could, ya know? Why end that feeling too soon--when it was still just a tiny bit possible....

That brings me to the reason for my title today...I told Mook about this thought I had been having the past few days as I waited for AF, and he said "Umm, you might be crossing the line--isn't that kinda gross?" But he's a boy. He's never had to wait for AF. What does he know=) I think I can get everyone to relate to the "TP Tango" otherwise known as the "Toilet Paper Tango" I think we are all over modesty and seemingly embarrassing moments, and this only makes me giggle--so I hope it comes across as humor and not "gross" as Mook fears it might be...
So I share with you my TP Tango--the "superstitious" way I glance towards the Quilt.ed Northern Bath Tiss.ue. It begins about CD 23. I find myself starting the "dance"--I look quite fast as I am sure there is no sign yet--but I must be sure in case it's an early visit. No biggie. So the days progress...I find myself saying a quiet prayer before I glance to the side--"Please be clear!" And then I sigh--one more day of hope!

~tango..cha..cha..cha~

Then the crucial days creep in. These are the days I don't even want to pee. I think to myself--"I can make it one full day without water--no problem." But my strength soon fades, and I guzzle a whole glass...then it's off to the "dance floor." The prayers turn into pleading: "Pleeeasse don't be here AF!"

~tango..cha..cha..cha~

And the tango continues--every time I return to the ladies room, my heart starts to beat faster. I just want one more pee-in-peace. And one more...and one more. Then it's the day. So on months like this, when there are no AF symptoms, I get more confident. I have no problem going to get a morning de-caf coffee. I am not nervous to tango. I can only envision an AF-free dance. But then the confidence fades. I find myself crossing my legs at my desk--holding it as long as possible, because the small twinges are happening. My mind races through the symptoms list: it could be cramps, but it could be my ute expanding!

~tango..cha..cha..cha~

And then the time comes where the trip to the BR is simply unbearable-and that's the trip where the tissue shows some color. Not necessarily red! But color. I still don't let go of hope. I brush off the color as just "something is going on down there." Otherwise known as denial. The color continues. The cramps start getting worse....and at this point, I am drinking as much fluid as I can find, because in my mind, I am going to WASH AF away--she will never have time to arrive! So funny how our minds can be so convincing...

~tango..cha..cha..cha~

Then it's simply "feminine prod.uct" time. No more panty-lin.ers. I have to bring out the big guns. And it hurts--not just physically, but emotionally. This tango has worn me out and has left me with swollen feet and one helluva sweat. But I shall dance again! I've got a great partner!

I am sure we ALL can relate...we all think what we do is so silly or embarrassing, but it's all part of dealing with our hope and grief...and the dream that one day the tango will end with a standing ovation!

33 comments:

  1. Oh, I remember doing the TP tango. I sort of forgot how to do it when we got the azoo news, but I have a feeling I'll be on the dance floor again very soon!

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  2. What a great post! How do you make that funny? HAHAHA Still chuckling over here.....TP Tango forever more.

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  3. Haha! I have done the TP tango so many times!

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  4. I look forward to the TP dance soon....it might help with my Friday night ballroom dancing classes. Great blog!

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  5. The TP Tango, I will have to share that with the hubby. :) That's exactly how it is though.

    (hugs)

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  6. I'm so sorry AF showed up. I do admire your perspective on things. Now you can focus on getting yourself fully healthy again.

    Thanks for giving a name to my little bathroom ritual! Very funny (and not too gross.) I try to drag things out by convincing myself its late implantation bleeding, just to get an extra cha, cha in.

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  7. That is a great way of looking at it...I remember my dances quite well. I can remember times of just sitting there forever, not wanting to look. Also, just the feeling of AF...we all know that feeling...and rushing to the nearest bathroom to see if it was what we suspected. I remember several times being at work when I felt the "whoosh" and excusing myself immediately.
    I'm glad to see you are doing well; wishing you all the best for the next cycle!!!

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  8. Well said...I do that tango...just not as often as most. It was pretty funny though...and well I needed that today. THANKS!!!

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  9. Know just what you mean about the TP tango - was doing it a little just this week before AF pitched up.

    I only really get my dancing shoes on properly after a cycle cos there's so little hope of me and Mr G beating off AF on our own.

    I'm sorry AF arrived - she's a sneaky one, always keeping us guessing.

    xx

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  10. haha! after five years of the TP tango, not to mention those first copuple of years when i still checked CM every day, i'm so in the habit of looking i think i still actually check the TP every time i wipe out of habit. my husband has caught me doing this and asked me what the heck i was looking for.

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  11. I did it alllll last week. Wednesday = tiniest smudge of colour. Friday = Aunt Flo gushing like Old Faithful. I went to bed and cried.

    Rebecca x

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  12. FABULOUS! Love it. You summed up the past few years for me. HOPE is such a hard partner to dance with while you do the TANGO...

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  13. You know, I always thought I was never much of a dancer until I read this post.

    I now know I am a tango queen!

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  14. Definitely done the TP tango more than once myself!! he he... Good Post!

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  15. TP Tango - that is great! I will be thinking "Cha Cha Cha" from now on! Here's to hoping for that standing ovation!

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  16. Wow, it is amazing to hear that the neurotic things I am doing are done by other people. I hate the TP tango and the 2ww for that matter but you did an excellent job making it funny!

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  17. :(

    All the same I loved this post, you made me smile, big achievement in my book :)

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  18. Funny post! Doing the TP Tango too. I still have no signs of AF, but with PCOS it's not surprising nor does it give me a reason to hope.

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  19. I thought the Tango thing was funny. We all do it as we hold out for hope. Thanks for the postcard.It's the first! of many I am sure.

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  20. Matthew M. F. Miller says:
    The TP tango is a foreign concept to this guy, but I will say that my wife does what I like to call the "TP fortress," which uses more Quilted Northern per sitting than I use in a month.

    I'm sorry you're being forced to tango, but you certainly are a brilliant, saucy dancer.

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  21. With my cycles being so irregular, I've rarely had the opportunity to the TP tango, but I love your description of the dance!

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  22. Oh, I danced my share of TP Tangos!

    Did you know that women who are trying to conceive have a spike in cortisol (stress-linked hormone) right before a trip to the bathroom? That TP tango is a horrible time!

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  23. I dance that dance too. But my feet are so tired and my soles are worn down. I want to sit down for at least nine months :)

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  24. That's so funny! You know we all do that! :-)

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  25. Brilliant! That's exactly what it's like.

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  26. Damn. Sorry that AF is now in residence.

    Love the TP Tango! I'll be using that one myself...

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  27. Oh nice new look by the way. It's actually my very first template when I started blogging. It's refreshing.

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  28. I hate the TP tango. I alawys say I little prayer on the way into the bathroom. And when I do see that first hint of colour I try an convince myself that it's implantation bleeding! Hey, you've gotta have dreams right?

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  29. I also tango every month...so nice to know we are not alone in our craziness!

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  30. It's been a while since I've done the TP tango, but I hope to start again soon. (Dang, there's that four-letter word again...)

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  31. Very Cool post.
    Oh yes. I have tangoed many many times.

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  32. I will have to share that with the hubby. :) That's exactly how it is!!!

    I have actually done the "holding it at the desk", cause I don't want to know!!! Oh, and the "please, let me pee in peace" that is right on!!! cha cha cha!

    (hugs)

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  33. LOL. Found this post via the blog roundup.

    Sadly, I rarely get to do the TP tango, the crippling cramps and feeling like I wet my pants tends to clue me in that the cycle didn't work (again!).

    :)

    J

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