Thursday, June 19, 2008

Daily Prophet: 6-19-08


Mook and I have agreed that documenting this part of the process is good for both of us, so while I am not back to reading blogs and commenting (believe me-I miss you!), I need to continue to write and gather my thoughts.

The Gryffindor House is quiet....too quiet for my liking.

Since I was only able to post the basics on Monday, let me give you a little deeper look into the past few days...

On Saturday, the embryologist called and said that our embryos were progressing slowly, and that there was not enough evidence of which one of the remaining 7 would be the best to transfer. I almost made him promise me that we would have embryos still growing by day 5...but of course all he could do was say he was confident we would.

So on Monday, with a 'comfortably' full bladder, Mook and I sat down in the conference room and listened to our embryologist and RE. First, I am glad we were able to wait until Monday; come to find out that the front runner on day 3 had stopped growing. After he told us that, he slid a picture of three embryos across the table and explained that they were late-stage morula's and that he had performed assisted hatching. My heart rate picked up a bit, because I know that by day 5, you should have blasts. Both of them reaffirmed that, if they kept progressing like they should, the embryo's should be at blast by that evening. I hope they made it...

That is why we transferred 3...I'm sure some of you gasped at the thought of 3 blasts...and to be honest, we had 2 blasts last time--and that didn't get us too far.

I feel normal as normal can be...well, not emotionally. I am having a really hard time, gals (and guys) I hate that I feel so doom-and-gloom...but when my body is not sending up smoke signals or giving me the slightest hint of this working out, it makes me panic.

After getting out of the shower this morning, I went and sat in the would be nursery and sobbed...and sobbed...and its making me tear up now. I feel this emptiness that I can't explain to anyone--it doesn't fit into words, or thoughts. I'm consumed by the fear that I am letting everyone down...letting Mook down, letting my family down, letting you all down....

I want to (and NEED to) have a chance of hope in all of this...I don't want what my mind and heart feels to affect possible growth inside of me. But I feel nothing.

I'm trying (and succeeding so far) to stay away from Dr. Google, but its so hard right now...so I will reach out to you all (again) for support and help. Am I crazy? Should I expect to see those smoke signs at 3 days past a 5 day transfer? Can a morula transfer work?

Please Harry, Hermione and Ron--keep Voldemort out of the House of Gryffindor.


P.S. I have developed cysts on both ovaries (this hasn't happened in a long time) and we didn't have any to freeze.

85 comments:

  1. I wish I had concrete advice for you, but at this point, I'm afraid I'm useless on that front. What I can say is that I am really, really hoping for the best for you. And sending all the positive vibes I can in your (southeasterly) direction! Most specifically, I wish you peace in the coming days as you wait out this longest of waits to find out if the Gryffindor bunch have stuck around (stick, darlings! Stick!). So, peace wishes to you and Mook.

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  2. Oh JJ, I know this is so hard sweetie. Just hang in there and the best we can all do is hope for the best. You are not letting anyone down, even if this doesn't work, it is just that IF sucks and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I'm so hopeful for you guys.

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  3. JJ, I'm holding your hand. I've read so many people who have had positives that they seem to vacilate between the two. So, I think no news is good news.

    How I understand that ache. Is there anything you could do to help keep Harry, Ron and Hermione off your mind?

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  4. I have no wisdom whatsoever, but I continue to pray with all my might and think of all the miracles that can happen everyday that Dr. Google never seems to talk about. ;-) It seems like when we search, we really only find the bad stuff. Stay away from it, for real... what good can it do? You have no control of what happens now, it's up to Him, honey.
    *HUGS*

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  5. I dunno, I think this is breaking the rules, JJ. :)

    First off, I cried reading your post. I cried thinking of you sitting in that would-be nursery. I remember wrapping Christmas gifts 3 days past the 5 day transfer and SOBBING. I was sure it hadn't worked. Positive. If you were reading blogs, I would tell you to go back and read my entry for proof that I am not blowing smoke. I was so upset, and angry, and hopeless.

    So, I think it's perfectly normal that you wouldn't be feeling anything at this point. Remember, too, how many hormones you are on and that they will mess with you regardless of how many of those little embryos are snuggling in.

    Hugs to you, dear JJ. Beta is coming, beta is coming.

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  6. I'm holding on to hope for you. I can do that until you want it back. I'm sending you massive prayers and sticky, sticky thoughts, and big, big hugs. I hope you find some peace while you wait. You're not alone, my dear.

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  7. No, it is way too early for symptoms! Heck, I am pregnant and am so symptom free that sometimes I forget. I didn't have any before I tested, either.

    My fingers are crossed for you.

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  8. Oh sweety, I am so sorry. It is just s hard and so emotion filled. I have been pregnant 4 times. Every time I have sworn it didn't work and I wasn't pregnant, many of those times I had zero symptoms. You just cannot go by that.
    Sending much love and soft light your way.

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  9. Hang on, JJ. There really aren't signs for everyone. How do you think some people say crazy sh*t like, 'I was 2 months pregnant before I even realized anything.' A lot of the symptoms people feel is their reaction to progesterone anyway. So don't mentally psych yourself. If there was a way to know that was definitive, we'd all be doing it. Just remember that until you hear otherwise, you can just enjoy the idea that you could have life in your womb right now. And why spoil that feeling? And if you have life in that womb, you'll be tickling toes and making raspberries on soft tummies in the early spring. enjoy that because you can. i am so hopeful for you.

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  10. Dear friend, I am hoping and praying for you. I don't have any advice since you have gone further down the path than I. Just know that I am here for you guys if you need anything just let me know. I also know that that heavy emptyness can consume you if you let it. Have hope JJ, it isn't over until it's over.

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  11. I wish I could make this easier for you. I wish there was some magic Butterball-turkey like pop-up that could tell you right away that it worked. Do know that I am praying so hard for you.

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  12. I went through the same thing as you! We did a 5 day transfer hoping to get all blasts. As I was going into my transfer my RE told us we had only 1 Blast and 4 Morulas. I had never heard the term morula until then. We decided to transfer the 1 blast and 2 morulas. I was so worried the entire 2 week wait....however, I got pregnant with twins!! So obviously one of the morulas (or both) took. You absolutely can get pregnant with a morula. Good luck I'm sending baby dust your way

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  13. My clinic does a day 5 OR day 6 transfer. Even with my donor which resulted in this pregnancy, we needed to wait until day 6. On day 5 we had: 2 early blasts and 3 compacted. Not sure where "late stage morula" fits in, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was another way of saying "early blast"

    On day 6 we had 3 full blasts and one nearly there. We transferred the 3 blasts and one implanted.

    I know every situation is different and my success doesn't mean you will be successful, but I don't think you have enough information to give up hope yet.

    Hang in there!

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  14. Hang in there - you have all the technology and smarts of the doctors you're working with to be successful...and most likely will not feel any symptoms until those little guys want to let you know they're ok! Best wishes and prayers going out to you.

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  15. Hugs to you both.

    I don't have any good advice. I'm a gloom and doom person (always expecting the worst) in all situations, so I can understand. You don't want to hurt so badly.

    Lots of love to you all.

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  16. Hang in there. Hold on to hope and try to be patient. After my last embryo transfer I cried and cried also - I was feeling discouraged and hopeless. And I about went crazy watching for symptoms and trying to guess the outcome. But today I am 34 weeks pregnant and feeling so grateful for the miracle that is ivf. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

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  17. i can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now, but i am sending you all the positivity and whatever else you need right now - peace, hope, all of that. and sticky sticky sticky dust for your little Gryffindor's.

    {{{hugs to you and mook}}}

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  18. Nothing to offer but a big hug from me sweetie. Wishing for only the best for you!

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  19. Oh honey I know this is so hard and I really don't have anything helpful to say except that we are thinking of you and cheering for you and the Gryffindor 3.

    Remember every single person and every single pregnancy is different.

    Hang in there for the betas and know that there are thousands of good vibes headed your way!

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  20. I have no answers, JJ, but I'm praying for you every day and you are never far from my thoughts.

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  21. Way too early for smoke signals. I'm so sorry you're stuck in the middle of the torturous 2ww. Hang in there.

    And no, I don't think you're crazy at all for transferring 3. I had several 3 blast transfers, and it wasn't until we transfered 4 blasts that one decided to stick around for the long haul.

    Here's hoping at least one of your three decides to stick around.

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  22. JJ, I think it's kind of normal to have a day (or more) of pure hopelessness during the 2ww after an IVF cycle. I know I experienced it both times. Once when it didn't work and once when it actually DID! While you're feeling down, we're holding you up.

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  23. JJ, I'm sorry things aren't going perfectly, but please remember that anything is possible and it is still early. Sometimes I scour blogs or the internet looking for answers that aren't there. It's hard to process all of this and to accept the disappointment of a cycle or situation not working out the way you hoped or expected. The answers are not out there for us. We have to wait and see how things will play out. Either way you WILL be ok.

    I will be hoping for you and wishing you peace during the wait. Hang in there and take care!

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  24. Abiding with you and Mook, JJ.

    Supporting you from here.

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  25. I wouldn't expect to feel anything at this point, symtpom-wise. Hang in there! If a morula transfer was a bad idea, the doctors wouldn't have gone through with it. This is where we can actually take comfort in the mysteries of how life begins - the best looking cycles may not work, and the worse looking cycles often do. We're not in control, and a good outcome might surprise us!

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  26. I'm hoping the best for you as well. You never know what is going to happen. And pregnancy symptoms really don't show up until after a pregnancy test would be positive, so try not to obsess on that (do as I say, not as I do, LOL!)

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  27. First of all, sending you a big ol' hug. Secondly, I don't think you're crazy. I didn't really feel much of anything until I started spotting 7dp3dt. Some people don't feel anything at all. Please, try and stay positive...and if not, let us do it for you. I'm pulling for you 100%. Gryffindor will win the House Cup!

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  28. I had NO symptoms until the day I tested positive (11 days past ER). Well, I take that back...the day before that I had some really sharp "pinching" pains. That was it though - and even on the day I did test positive the only symptom I had was that I was STARVING in the middle of the night. So relax, don't expect any symptoms yet.

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  29. PS Thank you for the card!!

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  30. I'm useless in terms of IVF and all that goes with it, but I can offer to you my support, my hope, and my prayers. You are a special person, and you are so not letting anyone down. Hang in there and know you are loved.

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  31. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice. Just hugs, and to let you know I was thinking of you and Mook. You guys are in my prayers.

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  32. sorry to hear that you have cysts, they can be painful buggers. I'm hoping that they dig in and stay for 9 months, hang in there and stay away from google.
    thinking good thoughts for you.

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  33. Hang in there, JJ. I don't have any great words of wisdom-I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you!

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  34. I am thinking positive thoughts for you, and my only real symptoms were day 11 spotting and that really wasn't a fun, look at this symptom but a more freak out, oh my gawd what the hell I can't make it to beta type thing...

    Wishing you lots of stickiness and positive pee sticks.

    Hugs!

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  35. No advice but lots of virtual hugs.

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  36. No great advice, except to say that often the slower embryos do seem to work!! May of the friends I have with multiples have had no hope because they were told their embryos were sub par. So there's def. hope for your maybies!!

    Thinking of you!

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  37. Yes, it is too early for symptoms. There are plenty of women in this world who get pregnant and don't even know it until they are 2-3 months along or more. Every person and every pregnancy is different. And if a 3-day embryo can be transferred successfully, then it seems like there should be no reason why a morula-almost-blastocyst shouldn't be able to be transferred just as successfully. Just be patient. I know it's hard. I'm right there with you on the 2ww, and it sucks. But we'll pull through, one way or another.

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  38. Hang in there girl. It's too early for symptoms and who knows if you'll have any anyway. I'm praying for you and Mook and your little guys. You're not letting anyone down.

    xoxo

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  39. You and Mook just take care of eachother. You have not, cannot and will not let anyone down. This is not something that you (or Mook) did or didn't do. And it just plan ole SUCKS the big ones that this is what some have to deal with. It's not fair and we all know that it is not at all fair. I am cheering for Gryffindor as many others are. Three Cheers for Gryffindor. Thinking of you JJ - wishing there was more I could do

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  40. man what you are going through is so tough. just awful. and.unfreakin.fair.
    you know, i was just thinking about hope the other day. how i had lost all hope that it would ever happen for us. and that maybe it meant that it wouldn't happen. you knwo? but the thing is-for us-it did happen. we wond the greatest lottery. with crap eggs low morph and poor attitudes. after two years.
    so, i say all this to say, taht it is ok to lose hope. and to let you know that there is ALWAYS hope. hell,it happened to us.
    man, how i am hoping for the same for you two.

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  41. I don't have any good advice or thoughts or anything like that. Just sending some hope and peaceful thoughts your way along with a few hugs.

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  42. JJ,

    I know how hard this is. Few things in life will ever be as hard as the 2ww. You will get through this.

    It is so hard not to know where you are headed. It almost doesn't seem fair. But no matter what, life is going to be good, because you are going to make it good. One way or the other.

    Oh and as for trasferring all 3...in my opinion it was absolutely the right call.

    Waiting with you.

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  43. I certainly didn't have any smoke signs at that point; I felt exactly like you do, meaning that I felt nothing and was convinced that it didn't work. The first "symptoms" that I felt were signs of OHSS, which I (correctly) thought meant that I could be pregnant. I didn't feel pregnancy symptoms until 8 weeks. I know everyone's different, but that was my experience.

    I am so pulling for you and Mook. I hope the wait is as gentle on you as possible, and that good news makes it all worth it.

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  44. I think if 3 day transfers can work than morula transfers can not only work, but work better. Remember the "front runner" at day 3 crapped out so you've got 3 embryos inside you that were better than that one.

    And, I had absolutely no symptoms until well after my second beta.

    I know how hard it is at this point (we ALL know). Try to hang in there as best as you can.

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  45. Hang in their lady - those three always manage to pull through.

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  46. Hang in there JJ, I felt nothing different on my cycles with positive betas as opposed to negative ones. Nothing different.

    J

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  47. I think it is way too early for symptoms. I am really praying for you and I am so there with you, with the hysterical sobbing. But, keep the faith. Many many women don't feel anything until after the BFP.

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  48. Four days after a five day transfer was when I had my first signs of anything happening, and that was with blasts. So, it could be even a couple of more days for you. I know it's hard, but try not to over analyze this. And stay away from Dr. Google. You are supposed to be relaxing!!

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  49. I don't have any advice...but I want to offer you big,big hugs and super duper sticky vibes!

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  50. You are NOT crazy. No way, no how. Anyone and everyone who has travelled the hellish road you've gone down to get to this point would be just as skeptical and worried. You are 100% normal, despite the fact that these feelings really suck.

    Morula transfers absolutely work. Hell, lots of 3 day transfers work (I've got one living in my house right now) and they are only a measely 8 cells.

    8dpo (3dp5dt) is way too early to be throwing in the towel for a lack of symptoms. Anything you did feel at this point would be a byproduct of the progesterone and/or estrogen you're pumping in your body.

    I promise you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you CANNOT and WILL NOT affect the implantation of your embryos with your attitude and level of optimism. It just doesn't happen that way. I'm sorry that you feel so empty, I wish I could drive there and hug you until you felt warm and full again (even if it takes until your beta, I would do it).

    This is a shitty journey. It rips you up -- inside and out, in your head and in your heart. That's of little comfort right now as you are experiencing the searing pain of IF and the subsequent ravaging of your body in the name of ART, but it is the cold, hard truth.

    You will make it through this. You'll be different, and you'll be scarred, but you will make it through. When you hold your baby(ies) in your arms (however they get there), then you can map out a plan to begin the healing. That might sound like a bunch of bullshit that other commenters rip me up for saying, but that's how it's worked out for me.

    I pray for you and Mook every day. Words can't express the thrill I will feel when you guys have good news to share. xoxo

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  51. Oh JJ, I so do not have anything wise to tell you. I wish so badly that we lived closer b/c I would be there right with you in the nursery crying with you, seriously. I think about you throughout my whole day and I pray that God will provide what you desperatly want. I'm here for you JJ.

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  52. I'm thinking of you, and hoping right along too.

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  53. too early for signs, jj. do not fret. evenif you felt symptoms it could be the meds talking. so try to hang in there. the wait is so hard. thinking of you and mook and the castle of 3.

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  54. Sweet JJ,
    I have been away, having been struck with the crud-among-us bug. I'm just now getting back to real life. I'm so excited and hopeful for you. I totally know that feeling that you are feeling, again, you are a "wizard" with words. There is no need to feel like you are letting any of us down. Girl, we are gonna love ya no matter what!! We are right there with you. I feel like its my wait as well. Lots of hugs, and hankies for the tears. Wishing you and Mook so much peace in the coming days.

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  55. Honey, keep the faith! You're doing a great job trucking through this, and it certainly hasn't been easy. I didn't feel anything and was sure that my cycle was a waste, but it resulted in my two babes. And I didn't have any to freeze from that cycle either so I know how you feel! Please do something special for yourself to gain some peace. Your babies need a quiet, peaceful place to settle down for the long ride so take it easy and be good to yourself!

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  56. Oh, the waiting sucks. So much. You just have to hang in there. I am praying for you that you have some sticky ones in there. Be brave. I know this is a hard time for you.

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  57. It is too early for symptoms, and I too had hardly any even well into pregnancy. My second pg, I told the nurse I knew it was bfn b/c I knew af was coming. I told her that I had a child and knew what it felt like to be pg. My for-sure bfn is now almost five!

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  58. I vote for hope. I will be hoping for you.

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  59. {{{hugs}}} I wish you luck and strength.

    I've got to believe the little Gryffindors will be just fine - your due date would be right around March 4th. And Ron Weasly's birthday is March 1st. I think that's a tiny dose of Felix right there - stick baby Gryffindors, stick!

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  60. I feel so helpless, I wish I had some advise to give, but unfortunatley I don't. What I do have is a HUGE AFRICAN HUG and a lot of Griffendor hope to send your way! Hang in there my friend!

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  61. I keep checking in on you, JJ.

    I'm sorry that you sat in your nursery and sobbed. I can't wait until you sit in there for HAPPY reasons.

    Sending you out my love and hope!!

    xoxoxxoxo

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  62. I don't really have any wisdom to share, but I have hugs, and I'm willing to share them freely.

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  63. JJ, I know it's tough, but this is where your faith is being tested. Having gone through this before and getting geared up to go through it again, I know too that I will be having the same doubts. Don't beat yourself up, you have every right to feel the way you feel. To everything there is a season...this might be your time to cry, but I am wishing that your time to laugh comes very, very soon!

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  64. Oh, JJ, this is the hardest. If it helps, I had no symptoms, nothing, until I was three months along. I know of several others who say they had no symptoms either. Just hang in there--and remember that its not a failure--you got this far, all the rest is luck!

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  65. Voldemort and Dr. Google are one and the same. Hang in there, JJ. Don't forget that there is a mystery to life and the beginning of life. For as much as we know, there's more we don't. Easy for me to say, but don't push yourself in a corner with statistics and plans and expectations about what should be what by when. I wish you peace.

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  66. I'm there with you, wishing, hoping and praying.

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  67. JJ--I have been in the bad place during the 2ww. I think that it's the toughest part of any fertility cycle, for sure. The first part feels busy and proactive, but the wait afterward is nothing but time to contemplate the outcome. Yuck.
    For what it's worth, I had not one symptom after IVF/ICSI. I even started bleeding before my beta. (We had a vanishing twin). However, the result of that cycle is my five-year old son, who is currently pouring waaaay too much Mr. Bubble into his bath. I hope you get great news, and don't have to cry in your nursery any more (Been there--so sorry).

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  68. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts JJ that everything works out for you both. I'm sending lots of positive vibes and hugs you way!

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  69. Just holding your hand and letting you know that you could never, ever let us down.
    xoxo to both of you

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  70. you are so brave to go sit in the nursery! we were all there with you in spirit. you don't have to explain the emptiness to us, and you're not crazy, but expecting smoke signals from your body may drive you nuts!

    also don't think twice about negative thoughts hurting the potential little life. i am proof that negative thinking has no affect on the outcome!

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  71. No wisdom, unfortunately, just sending lots of good wishes that your morulas turned into blastocysts, implanted, and are snuggled in for another 9.5 months.

    Hang in there.

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  72. This is such a difficult time - I am with you in spirit. You WILL get there - I know it.

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  73. Oh my gosh, JJ. I wish I could come over and sit in that nursery with you and just hold that emotional space with you. This whole IF thing sucks so much and you have been so strong and positive and have been there time after time for so many of us. Take the time for yourself to be less than positive and less than strong if you need to and we will all hold the space for you. We love you.

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  74. I don't have any good advice, but just wanted to send lots of love and hugs. I'm holding onto hope for you that at least one of your babes is snuggling in tight. Wishing you all the best.

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  75. I'm so sorry..and it's never easy dealing with this. Just wanna give you lotsa, lotsa, lotsa, lotsa hugs.

    here from NCLM

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  76. thinking about you honey and doing everything I can to summon and channel positive vibes and good wishes your way. we're there with you every step of the way...let us know what we can do to help...

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  77. JJ - I came via Mel. Just wanted to contribute my story of hope... My Jasper was an emergency Day 4 transfer. He was the only embryo that didn't arrest by then.

    On day 4 he was only 8 cells, having been 6 cells on Day 2. So he only grew 2 cells in 2 days.

    HPT was negative on 8dp4dt, and beta was 78 on 12dp4dt.

    But he made it.

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  78. Pssst. I've come back to tell you that I've heard that slower growing embryos can be females. Maybe you have a daughter in there!

    How many days til beta?

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  79. It's entirely possible to be symptom free and still get a positive. In case you feel like listening to mine among many other stories, I didn't have a single symptom during my 2ww, and I transferred the only two embryos I had, both of them "meh" quality. I have 8 month old twins now, and I never would've thought that being symptom-free during the 2ww would lead to it.

    Hang on. This is such a tough part. And step away from Dr. Google.

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  80. Oh Miss JJ, I pictured you sitting in your nursery-to-come and I started crying. I wish I had been there to give you a hug. I think we've all been in that space. And it is no fun at all. It helps to have an understanding community to get you through those times.

    My theory is that life dreams sneak up on you when you least expect them to.

    Believing in you (& Mook)

    Ms. P

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  81. I have been reading you for a while and I really hope this trio transfer has a happy ending and makes your birthday wish come true!

    Don't panic for the lack of symptoms, because it doesn't mean anything. I never had any symptoms, nothing other than no AF during the whole pregnancy, so yes you could be one of the lucky ones!

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  82. I remember after my last FET cycle I felt much the way you do now. I cried after transfer, I worried that I was letting down the whole world if things didn't work out. Remember, we are here to support you and Mook. If things don't work out, it's not your fault. Feeling bad or worried won't have any affect, good or bad, on the outcome. So much is out of your control, it's really hard. Hang in there, and we'll be here to check on you.

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  83. Totally thinking of you. This time after transfer can be so rough emotionally. I recall feeling this weird let-down both times, almost like when you come back from vacation and don't know what to do with yourself -- you just feel blah. Very strange.

    Hang in there! Hoping to hear some very good news from you soon.

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  84. I have no idea about what to expect- just wanted to offer support... and to say that you are never (and have never) letting anyone down- it's just hard to see the people you love hurt with you (at least that is how it felt to me).

    Hang in there and I am sending positive energy! ~Many hugs~

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  85. JJ, this is always the hardest thing to go through. My only advice is to stay away from googling and stay away from reading other people's blogs with happy outcomes (or even bad outcomes).

    Lean on Mook and take really good care of yourself. We're all out here praying really hard of you guys and your Gryffindors. Also, If Voldemort comes along they're more than able to kick his arse.

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