Thursday, June 19, 2008
Daily Prophet: 6-19-08
Mook and I have agreed that documenting this part of the process is good for both of us, so while I am not back to reading blogs and commenting (believe me-I miss you!), I need to continue to write and gather my thoughts.
The Gryffindor House is quiet....too quiet for my liking.
Since I was only able to post the basics on Monday, let me give you a little deeper look into the past few days...
On Saturday, the embryologist called and said that our embryos were progressing slowly, and that there was not enough evidence of which one of the remaining 7 would be the best to transfer. I almost made him promise me that we would have embryos still growing by day 5...but of course all he could do was say he was confident we would.
So on Monday, with a 'comfortably' full bladder, Mook and I sat down in the conference room and listened to our embryologist and RE. First, I am glad we were able to wait until Monday; come to find out that the front runner on day 3 had stopped growing. After he told us that, he slid a picture of three embryos across the table and explained that they were late-stage morula's and that he had performed assisted hatching. My heart rate picked up a bit, because I know that by day 5, you should have blasts. Both of them reaffirmed that, if they kept progressing like they should, the embryo's should be at blast by that evening. I hope they made it...
That is why we transferred 3...I'm sure some of you gasped at the thought of 3 blasts...and to be honest, we had 2 blasts last time--and that didn't get us too far.
I feel normal as normal can be...well, not emotionally. I am having a really hard time, gals (and guys) I hate that I feel so doom-and-gloom...but when my body is not sending up smoke signals or giving me the slightest hint of this working out, it makes me panic.
After getting out of the shower this morning, I went and sat in the would be nursery and sobbed...and sobbed...and its making me tear up now. I feel this emptiness that I can't explain to anyone--it doesn't fit into words, or thoughts. I'm consumed by the fear that I am letting everyone down...letting Mook down, letting my family down, letting you all down....
I want to (and NEED to) have a chance of hope in all of this...I don't want what my mind and heart feels to affect possible growth inside of me. But I feel nothing.
I'm trying (and succeeding so far) to stay away from Dr. Google, but its so hard right now...so I will reach out to you all (again) for support and help. Am I crazy? Should I expect to see those smoke signs at 3 days past a 5 day transfer? Can a morula transfer work?
Please Harry, Hermione and Ron--keep Voldemort out of the House of Gryffindor.
P.S. I have developed cysts on both ovaries (this hasn't happened in a long time) and we didn't have any to freeze.
More on IVF numero dos