I drove home in quite a haze the other night (I don't recommend this).
I had just had a pretty tough day at work, an unresolved issue with my sister, and had just finished dinner with a friend IRL that is starting IVF in September. To say I was feeling "trapped" is an understatement....
We live close to a major airport, so I pass by it every day to and from work. As I tried to blink away tears while driving (again, I don't recommend), I looked upward--you know that useless trick to try to stop yourself from crying which never works--and saw the same scene I see on many occasions: a plane taking off on it's way to somewhere-land. But this time it hit me a little different. So as I blinked back to clearer vision, I imagined being on that plane and flying off to another life...
Ok. Let's stop right there--before anyone (especially Mook!) thinks I'm running away, or am in a serious state of unhappiness, just bare with me and keep reading.
I departed life as I knew it in my "comfort zone" the day I left for college. I arrived not knowing a soul, but guess who I met the first day. (a hint: he's the handsome fella in my life). We became fast friends. We ran into each other many times over the next few years and had some of the same friends. When we both arrived to the first class of our senior year, we began to realize we were meant to be much more than "pals".
I departed college without Mook. We went in separate directions to live life...we remained good friends, but knew we needed to experience life outside the college walls. So life went on. But one day, Mook arrived at my doorstep to visit. Both our lives changed for good that day...
I departed the life I had been used to, and began my life with Mook. I arrived in a new place, a new job, and knew that one day soon Mook and I would be nice and settled in with a family of our own.
We departed on the journey to become parents. We arrived at the decision together that no matter what happened, we would have each other-and that was most important.
And here we are...still desperately trying to arrive. We aren't ready to depart the idea of having children....but when will we get there?
We have endured layovers, long ticket lines, lost luggage and again, we sit and wait in the terminal. We sit next to others who are waiting like us. We don't talk much about why we are waiting, or the pain it's causing us, but we understand...we share a half-smile during eye contact. We also watch people board the plane--they look so happy! Their journey is about to begin, and we want so badly to run to the door before it closes.
So that "other" life I was flying off to...it was a miserable one. A life where I didn't have Mook. One where I had made other decisions that took me away from the things that I cherish most: my family (even when we fight), friends who love me, and the strength to go through this journey with my best friend.
Yes, infertility sucks. Really sucks. But I wouldn't trade my life for a plane ticket to somewhere-land. That's not where my heart is. It aches right now for what we are having to endure, but I know that I am a better and more connected person today than I was a year ago. And I'm meant to be here. Meant to be with Mook--everything that brought us together, and the fact that we are growing stronger through this.
I'll wait in the terminal as long as it takes...