Thursday, August 16, 2007

Arrivals & Departures

I drove home in quite a haze the other night (I don't recommend this).

I had just had a pretty tough day at work, an unresolved issue with my sister, and had just finished dinner with a friend IRL that is starting IVF in September. To say I was feeling "trapped" is an understatement....

We live close to a major airport, so I pass by it every day to and from work. As I tried to blink away tears while driving (again, I don't recommend), I looked upward--you know that useless trick to try to stop yourself from crying which never works--and saw the same scene I see on many occasions: a pl
ane taking off on it's way to somewhere-land. But this time it hit me a little different. So as I blinked back to clearer vision, I imagined being on that plane and flying off to another life...

Ok. Let's stop right there--before anyone (especially Mook!) thinks I'm running away, or am in a serious state of unhappiness, just bare with me and keep reading.
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I departed life as I knew it in my "comfort zone" the day I left for college. I arrived not knowing a soul, but guess who I met the first day. (a hint: he's the handsome fella in my life). We became fast friends. We ran into each other many times over the next few years and had some of the same friends. When we both arrived to the first class of our senior year, we began to realize we were meant to be much more than "pals".

I departed college without Mook. We went in separate directions to live life...we remained good friends, but knew we needed to experience life outside the college walls. So life went on. But one day, Mook arrived at my doorstep to visit. Both our lives changed for good that day...

I departed the life I had been used to, and began my life with Mook. I arrived in a new place, a new job, and knew that one day soon Mook and I would be nice and settled in with a family of our own.

We departed on the journey to become parents. We arrived at the decision together that no matter what happened, we would have each other-and that was most important.

And here we are...still desperately trying to arrive. We aren't ready to depart the idea of having children....but when will we get there?

We have endured layovers, long ticket lines, lost luggage and again, we sit and wait in the terminal. We sit next to others who are waiting like us. We don't talk much about why we are waiting, or the pain it's causing us, but we understand...we share a half-smile during eye contact. We also watch people board the plane--they look so happy! Their journey is about to begin, and we want so badly to run to the door before it closes.

So that "other" life I was flying off to...it was a miserable one. A life where I didn't have Mook. One where I had made other decisions that took me away from the things that I cherish most: my family (even when we fight), friends who love me, and the strength to go through this journey with my best friend.

Yes, infertility sucks. Really sucks. But I wouldn't trade my life for a plane ticket to somewhere-land. That's not where my heart is. It aches right now for what we are having to endure, but I know that I am a better and more connected person today than I was a year ago. And I'm meant to be here. Meant to be with Mook--everything that brought us together, and the fact that we are growing stronger through this.

I'll wait in the terminal as long as it takes...


34 comments:

  1. I love this analogy. It also hints at the irrational anger most people feel at being tortured by the airline industry!

    I'm waiting in line with you at this lonely, sad terminal. Can you see me? I'm the one who looks like they haven't showered in days, is drinking cold, stale McDonald's coffee (b/c I can't afford Starbucks after paying all my $ to the RE), and is sleeping under one of the benches at an empty gate.

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  2. I love this analogy too!!

    Instead of being "benched" in a game that could end before I get to play, I would totally rather think of being at an airport...maybe my flight was canceled or maybe I just have a really long lay over...BUT, I WILL arrive at my destination some day. I'm not sure how (maybe a different plane, maybe through a different airport), I may not know when, but I know that someday I WILL arrive.

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  3. I'm so pleased you are able to recognise the good things in your life. That takes quite a lot of doing when you are having a tough time.
    I hope your time comes soon.

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  4. Wow JJ, I am trying to look up trying to make the tears go ways, but is not working either. What a beautiful well written, heartfelt post... I so understand how you feel. Today I drove from home o work crying (I also don't recommend it). I feel stuck and waiting for my plane ride to happy land. I hope we all can "arrive" there someday. Hugs

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  5. Wow, this made me really teary. This waiting and watching everyone else fly off, gawd. Isn't there a plan for us soon?

    As an aside, something I find helps sometimes to NOT cry - I think about the way Carlton danced on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Or how Elaine danced on Seinfeld. In the dark times, nothing helps, but in the foggy times, that can distract me sometimes - cuz that shit's FUNNEEEE!

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  6. Glad to have an update- been thinking about you alot lately. I am glad that you are processing all this IF muck. It gets in real deep sometimes. I am glad we have the blogaspere for comfort and support. Blessings - Farah

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  7. You are such a beautiful writer.

    I you will reach your destination, I just don't know the exact route.

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  8. you gave me goosebumps with this one! i hope the airlines get their shit together and your next flight arrives on time with no hassles.

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  9. What a beautiful post. I'm sorry your trip has been delayed so many times. Hugs.

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  10. You express yourself so eloquently JJ. I really enjoy reading your posts :) I do hope your plane is coming in soon.

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  11. Hey - tell me more about the tunes . . .

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  12. I hope your time waiting in the airport is coming to an end very soon. Thinking of you!

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  13. Oh, JJ - how wonderful, how exquisite will be your arrival into motherhood. Worth the wait and all the pain. I hope it's soon for you.

    (I love reading your blog too)
    xo

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  14. Oh JJ I wish we all could get through that boarding gate.

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  15. Love the analogy. And like real life, don't you just hate the flight delays, and worse I just hate getting on a bumpy plane ride.

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  16. I am the person who is stuck in a traffic circle on my way to the airport - still trying to get there. Only to find that my plane has been grounded for repairs. Round and round and round we go, never getting to board the plane.
    *sigh*
    Which airline are you flying next?
    I am booked on IVF Air.

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  17. I am actually flying today. Hopefully my departures and arrivals will be without incident!

    Seriously, it is beautiful how you described you and Mook's intersections and decisions to make a life together. That is the most important thing.

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  18. I couldn't agree with you more on this. I'm in tears because it is so true for me. Sometimes it just seems like infertility consumes us, but it is so important to remember what is good about our lives because there is so much more to it than IF. One day you will be departing this current life and arriving somewhere you've always dreamed. I know it will happen!

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  19. This was so great and from all the comments you can tell you really hit the mark. Thanks...and now I'll go wipe my eyes as well.

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  20. Isn't it amazing the clarity that arrives after something so difficult? You explained it very well. I can't say I'd trade my life either, and I certainly wouldn't trade the friends I've made along the way!

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  21. I would love a CD :) I'll send one back, too.

    xxx

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  22. You have such a great outlook. I hope it is contagious! I have said many times that I wish I could just leave this world I know where everyone knows my story and move to a new place. But you are right. I do love my life- I love my husband- I just want more and departing would change the loves of my life and my wanting a baby would follow me wherever I would go. Thank you for sharing.

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  23. great post! I would love a CD :)

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  24. JJ,

    Thank you for such a fabulously written post. I read it today from my PDA while in a seminar and I could not keep the tears from coming out. One of the guys looked at me with a "you ok?" look and I just nodded.

    I think you on a path to really finding out what you are made of. And I think that you will learn along the way that you like what you see. That you will be proud of your strength and you ability to find the good in your life, and appreciating even the bad experiences.

    And you will also be amazed at the power of the human soul to heal.

    I can sense the strength you have inside. You are going to fare well on your journey.

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  25. Wow, JJ, I wish I had an ounce of your eloquence. Your last two posts have me in tears.

    I'm glad that you and Mook are finding new closeness through the pain. You two are going to be awesome parents when you arrive at your destination.

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  26. You said it so beautifully - and it really touched my heart. I need to get out of the departure lounge and go home, OR change my ticket to go to Childfree land. Sometimes I think I'm there already, but so often I feel totally lost...

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  27. I, too, am teary. That was beautiful. I liked the "...more connected person today" - I guess there's one good thing about IF. I feel more connected, too.

    Here's to your plane arriving soon!

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  28. I hope you and Mook get a first class ticket on the next plane... Good luck!

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  29. This is such a powerful post. I've read it a couple times since you wrote it. I'm adding it to my private "best of infertility blog" list so I can come back and review it on those days when I find myself in a haze.

    Wishing you peace and I hope you get to your destination very, very soon.

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  30. I am so glad to see that you feel you are meant to be here and to have gone through what you have been through to get here. It is so, so true but a lot of people just can't accept that because they hope everything will always turn out perfect. As all of us in the land of IF know, it doesn't always happen that way. But, I believe that for all of us, it will. No matter what the end result is for each of us, it will make absolute and perfect sense when it finally happens.

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  31. As everyone else has already said, I love your analogy. Very relatable.

    I am not sure when to depart the idea of having biological children either. I have been turning that idea over in my mind and I just keep telling myself I won't know until I've arrived. It's like being blindfolded and I won't know where we end up until we just stop and I take off the blinders.

    It is so easy to get caught up in all the bad things so it is nice to take time out to appreciate the good. Having a strong, healthy marriage is definitely an amazing thing no matter what.

    Now enough bullshit with the security and let's get you through those gates!

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  32. I am so glad that you are feeling up to posting again. Even more so, that I hear a little bit of peace and hope in your voice. I hope that both continue to grow... ~Sending big hugs~

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