Thursday, May 29, 2008
He was the first one to notice that I chew the insides of my cheeks: a) when I'm thinking really hard about something; b) stressed out; c) feeling guilty
We'd be in the middle of a conversation, and I'd hear "Quit chewing your cheeks--what's bothering you?"
Well Dad, quite a bit.
I only noticed I was chewing because I haven't done it in a long time. My mouth starts to get sore, because Im moving and shifting my face muscles so much. I know, this isn't the most glamorous thing to read about, but it's the best way I know how to describe the state of mind I've been in the past few days. Or should I say, state of cheek...
Reason #1 for Cheek Chewing:
Mook was scheduled to have minor surgery on Tuesday. Long story short: his parents refused to believe that he had heart burn at the tender age of 16, and as a result of not taking him to the doctor then, we are now either dealing with an intestinal tear or worse. We finally arranged for our general practitioner to schedule the surgery with a gastro-doc (after months of useless pills). Well, wouldn't ya know they gave us the wrong prep schedule. This was simply the appointment to make the appointment. Yea, I know-complete crap. Dr. Gastro said he needed to meet Mook first, and make sure it wasn't just heartburn. Did you read his medical chart, a-hole?! When he told us that "this happens a lot--people come in thinking they are having surgery" I wanted to scream "Don't you think you need to fix that?!"
Dr. Gastro said he is definitely concerned, and Mook needs to have surgery ASAP. His definition of ASAP is July 1st. Poor Mook--Im surprised he hasn't given up all hope when it comes to doctors. First that, and now this...
Reason #2 for Cheek Chewing:
Money, ya'll. We thought we had a loan all figured out, and it's just come crashing down. I hate that Mook and I snap at each other because of money. I haven't had reason to really pay attention to the mortgage rates and the real estate market, because we weren't planning on moving/selling. Now I care a lot because it's affecting the loan amount/line of credit we qualify for. The last 30 minutes at work yesterday was spent starring at the wall...and guess what I was doing: chewing the crap out of my cheeks. I swear it makes me think harder and smarter. I've got a few more things to try, but I'm scarred about our financial future. Even scarier is the fact that we have no guarantee that this loan will bring us any closer to our dream. It makes me sick to think about...
Reason #3 for Cheek Chewing:
I don't even really know how to put this into words, but I've thought it for a long time: I can't imagine myself pregnant. I feel guilty about it...it sounds so simple to say, but I cannot grasp the fact that I will experience this gift. I see the new ultrasounds of blog buddies who are seeing their baby for the first time, and I can't even wrap my head around the fact that I could have that. I don't feel like I've expressed this properly, but it has made for some serious cheek chewing time. Since I have never even seen the slightest shade of a 2nd line on a HPT, I have no knowledge of what that feeling is like. Maybe I should compare it to your first kiss: you never thought it would happen; all you could do was daydream about what you saw in the movies. But when it did happen...I bet you can't even find the words to describe how you felt.
So Daddy, I've had some deep thoughts, stress, and guilt. The next time we talk on the phone, I expect you to snap me out of it and tell me to: "Go gettum tiger!" I want to get out of this cheek-chewing phase, and be positive! I can't have the NaComLeavMo'ers think I'm a Debbie Downer...but tell me ladies (and gents): do you chew, bite, kick, scream when you are stressed?
I have my baseline ultrasound later this morning...not to brag, but check out my RE's star-studded staff!
Oh! Isn't it good luck if a bird poops on you? Well, it didnt actually poop on me but it pooped on my windshield this morning. Having bird poo fly at you at 60 miles an hour is disgusting.
Hmm, I wrote a note to myself yesterday for a blog post: Temptation. Now I have no idea why I wrote it down. Am I tempted to throw in the towel? Am I tempted to cry? Am I tempted to eat all the chocolate in my house?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I have to be honest: I was anxious to open this journal--I was prepared to see baby dust everywhere and false impressions of how "easy" it is to get pregnant.
However, I was pleasantly surprised. The Fertility Journal is something I definitely would have added to my shopping cart when Mook and I tossed out the pill. Since I love keeping track, organizing and planing, this journal would have been the perfect tool.
Of course I was more interested in the part where it gets past the trying phase, and introduces you to the world of fertility treatments. The author describes the basic path of treatment and gives some background on how infertilty can affect people: female factor, male factor. I'm always looking for more information about male factor, and this journal could have added more about the male side of things.
I had to sigh when I saw that there is very little room to track infertility treatment cycles, and I know for me it would be difficult to keep a journal around that showed all the unsuccessful tries in the beginning. Once we entered fertility treatments, I only wanted to look forward-not back. The author might consider adding a supplement to this journal, or producing a second journal.
Overall, I would recommend this journal to a woman just beginning on the journey to becoming a mom. I hope to give this journal as a gift someday soon, and I will definitely use it as a time to educate the recipient about the 2nd half of the journal.
Monday, May 26, 2008
- I love ketchup. I love ketchup on my ketchup. Did I mention I like ketchup?
- I always have at least one tear-off-desk-calendar. I could deal with having lots of them-but I'd run out of desk space.
- At the tender age of 12, when I babysat almost every weekend, I swore I would never be a mom. Did I jinx myself?
- I get annoyed by the wet hair strands that come out after a shower or a haircut--they are next-to-impossible to get off my hands.
- You know that shock you get after getting out of the car in the winter? Yea, that happens to me all year long.
- I can't have an odd number of e-mails in my inbox.
- My eyes used to be blue, then they were brown for about 2 weeks, and now they are green, and have been for 15 years.
- I was never in a sorority
- I want to go to Australia, but I can't stomach the plane ride (or price!)
- I had a terrible cold on our wedding day, but adrenaline and Sudafed worked wonders.
- I can't stand green peas
- I love chicken salad--but I have to give it a taste test first!
- I'm a terrible speller
- I never learned how to calculate percentages correctly until I met Mook-he is the best math teacher I've ever had
- I was born the day Mt. Saint Helen's erupted
- I spent a month in Hawaii learning about culture-I am so glad this was the way I was exposed to Hawaii for the first time
- I failed my physics exam in 11th grade
- I created (and later graduated with) a minor concentration for the university I graduated from
- I started a workforce program for the university I graduated from
- I built 15 houses in 2 days with Habitat for Humanity
- I've had a major crush on Chris O'Donnell since I was 13
- I met my husband on the first day of college--he was my RA. We didn't date until 3 years later
- Wire hangers are not allowed in my house--I hate them. All plastic, all the time.
- I always wanted braces
- I started our wedding scrap book the day we got back from our honeymoon: it's still not finished.
- I procrastinate
- I bought my first pair of Umbros in 6th grade with babysitting money-I still have the price tag. This was a big deal.
- I don't like eating: tomatoes, watermelon, cantaloupe. My taste buds don't register any taste, so it's all mush to me.
- I've been on 2 cruises, and don't care to go on anymore
- I have terrible motion sickness (see above)
- I have 12 cousins on one side of the family
- I have 2 on the other side
- As I type this, google ads are scaring me on how accurate they are in picking up key words: "Visit Mt. St. Helens"; "Algebra Made Easy"; "Lose Belly Fat"--yea thanks, I know.
- My favorite number is 18. I should have put this for number 18.
- I have a sister
- I have a brother
- I am the oldest
- I'm a pretty good judge of character
- I was an actress in London and Scotland : only in high school, so you won't find me on imdb; trust me-I've looked--haha
- I have a girl crush on Ashley Judd and Shakira
- I need some type of noise at all times: music, fan blowing, clock ticking...
- I am a southerner born-and-bred, but I do not care for: grits, baked beans or corn bread (I just recently found a love for BBQ)
- Speaking of BBQ, I'm married to a certified BBQ judge
- I want to sky dive
- Growing up, I wanted to be a severe weather meteorologist. Number 17 on this list was partly to blame for nixing that idea.
- I love the movie "Twister"
- People have said I look like Helen Hunt, Jewel, and Diane Sawyer
- I love Jewel's music
- When sitting, I curl my toes underneath my feet. Mook hates this--he tells me it freaks him out--so then I pinch him...using my toes.
- I pronounce caramel: car-mel not care-a-mel
51. I love, love, love Big League Chew (the gum)--especially the original flavor
52. I love getting personalized holiday cards, BUT (and this is a big but) I enjoy seeing the people I know--NOT just the kid(s) or pets. I want to see my friends, too! It's a really big pet peeve!
53. I rarely paint my finger nails
54. Krispy Kreme doughnuts make me extremely happy
55. I don't like pizza. I got really bad food poisoning from sausage pizza in high school--saved me tons of $$ in college!
56. This list is starting out very food oriented. I like food.
57. I type really fast
58. I never took a formal typing class--do they even offer those anymore?
59. My feet are always cold. Really, it can be 95 degrees, and they still feel cool to the touch. Not that you want to touch my feet...
60. I use the word "lovely" too much
61. I wear silver and white gold-not a fan of yellow gold
62. I like chili with no beans
63. If I eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, it HAS to be cold
64. My favorite candy bar is a Milky Way
65. Ok, seriously this won't be all about food
66. Our lab knows exactly when it's time to eat--it's a bit creepy actually
67. I can crochet, but not knit. I've tried to learn 3 times, and each time it's been a disaster...I need a good teacher!
68. I already have my 2nd tattoo picked out, just not the location of where it will go
69. This number always makes me blush and giggle
70. When I hold a pen/pencil, it rests on my ring finger, not my middle. Im told this is rare. Anyone else hold it this way?
71. When I write, I can make the paper curl--I press really hard
72. I went through college in the AIM era--I would spend hours just checking people's "Away Status"
73. I love living where I get to experience all 4 seasons
74. I hate vomiting. Not that anyone enjoys it, just stating a fact.
75. I remember getting finger-printed for a child's safety kit when I was 5--I thought I'd be moving into "that place with bars"
76. I'm pretty much addicted to People.com. I gave it up for Lent one year--incredibly difficult to hold out.
77. I hate ALL Clearblue Easy commercials
78. College basketball is my favorite sport
79. I get freaked out when Mook rubs his eyes--they sound like a squeaky wheel
80. Growing up, I had a huge crush on my next door neighbor, who is about 6 years older than me. When my boyfriend broke up with me right before the high school Christmas dance, my neighbor offered to take me--we had the BEST time.
81. I think CSI Miami is one of the worst written shows on TV, but I watch it every time I see its on. Why does Horatio always stand with his side facing whoever he's talking to?
82. I'm debating on whether to grow out my hair or cut it short again
83. Twizzlers used to be my movie theater preferred candy. Then I heard they had horse hooves in them. I don't eat twizzlers anymore.
84. I really enjoy looking into my family genealogy
85. Our lab snores louder than an 80 year old man
86. I make my hot chocolate with warm milk and chocolate sauce (and of course topped with mini marshmallows). Mook thinks this is strange. Does everyone else just use the mix packets?
87. I only had 2 wisdom teeth: both got removed in college
88. My doctor's name was Dr. Pinch
89. I woke up out of the anesthesia singing nursery rhymes and got mad at the nurse for throwing my teeth away
90. I find it very amusing that Mook can sit down and watch infomercials for hooouuuurrrsssss...
91. I really wish I could have seen Ella Fitzgerald in concert
92. On Christmas day, if it is sunny out, the window blinds MUST remain closed. To me, it just needs to be cloudy/rainy/snowing on Christmas, and this way we can all pretend if its not! My whole family does this each year=)
93. I'm a side sleeper
94. In 1st grade, I made people call me by my middle name for a week
95. The first time I visited NYC I couldnt take the subway--they were on strike
96. I read anything James Patterson writes
97. I don't like wrapping gifts: Mook takes care of that in our household-and he's damn good
98. I really wish I was better at solving crossword puzzles. The only ones I can complete are in People magazine
99. I prefer blue ink pens over black ink pens
100. When I eat M&M's I have to empty the bag and sort them all into color groups before I eat them. I miss the TAN ones.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I am a big fan of yours; I can prove this to you by the number of transactions on my bank statement and the receipts that bulge out of my wallet.
Yesterday morning I decided to take a full lunch break, which I rarely get to do, and could think of no place better to spend my hour than wandering your aisles. I prepared my shopping list, and couldn't wait to enter your doors!
I love seeing the super-saver bins when I first walk in...all those useless trinkets that I try and justify purchasing. I've always needed a magnet that looks like a pancake!
However, the super-saver bin was not the first thing I saw yesterday. Target, I have to say I'm disappointed that you made it a point for me to run right into a rack of tini-bikinis. That's just not nice-I'm in no state of mind to think about bathing suit shopping. Under normal circumstances, it is pure torture--and right now, I am not feeling so normal, so can you cut that out?
I decided to forgive you and moved on to the home goods, and realized I would probably need a cart (I had to go by that rack...again). And while I'm thinking about it: can someone make a note to run the carts through a bath of WD-40? I'll have to remember to come back when I get into tini-bikini shape, and simply push a cart around because it draws plenty of attention...
Here's the part where I really must thank you, Target. As I got back to home goods, squeaky cart in tow, I decided to put my purse in the cart. It's a little clutch purse, so I didn't want the contents spilling all over the place. I got smart and thought: "Hey, I'll secure it with this baby-strap-thingy."
(I'm not the only one who's done this, right?)
Target, you may not have seen this blog entry, but you sure alleviated all my concerns. Because of the baby-strap-thingy you place in your carts, I am now totally: in gear.
You may see a bright white light when you are dying, but you sure as hell see your future children flash before your eyes when you strap in a purse in the baby seat. In that moment my eyes filled with tears, but my heart also filled with hope...
Thank you so very much, Target. You continue to help me cross everything off my list.
Your loyal customer,
*Edited to add: As Bee Cee mentions, I did take my first Lupron shot last night -- wasn't too bad--had a bit of a red rash for about an hour, and it itched! Normal, right? Today, just a tiny red dot.
Here is proof that I got my arse in gear:
Although I remain a bit disconnected in the hope department, I'm on track! Thanks for all your support ladies and gents! Let the games begin...
Monday, May 19, 2008
In this instance, I'm not referring to IT as s-e-x.
Although......the hormones are starting to play tricks on me, and my blood pressure spikes even after Mook has come in from the yard covered in dirt and stinky. Mmm, manly man man-ness. Yummy!
The IT in this instance is what I felt myself doing the last time before we started IVF: retreating
I have this mental image of William Wallace (gotta be him because of my Scottish heritage) barreling towards me giving me the order to RETREAT!
I'm not backing out of the cycle, not retreating from the needles or the ultrasounds or even the hope that is creeping in. I am, however, feeling my mind slip into a state of auto-pilot.
I first noticed this was happening over the weekend when I was reading my most-loved gossip news: "Jessica Simpson has triplets and kisses a grizzly bear!" That may as well have been the title of the article, as I found myself re-reading them at least 3 times. Even the Daily Dose of Dempsey wasn't enough to snap me out of it. I know, I should be arrested...not swooning over Patrick is a crime in 38 states.
I don't know.
I just feel like I'm hovering about four feet over my body and looking down on a life happening that isn't mine. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything, and get this: I'm not even really thinking about IVF numero dos. Well, I guess I am and it's called: DE-NILE River. Get it? Hardy, har. Please laugh along with me...laughing is good for the soul.
So I have just proved CNN correct. Blogging has been therapy for me today, because I am admitting to you all that I am in denial about this upcoming cycle. Now I can begin to heal, right?
The signs of numero dos denial:
- Meds remain in the guest room, unpacked from the boxes.
- Med calendar is not in the least bit organized: this is a problem, because I think I start suppressing Wednesday. Must get organized.
- Mook asked me when my first ultrasound was: I gave him a blank stare. "What ultrasound?" Umm, yea.
- I got a call on Thursday from the financial person @ our clinic: "Hi JJ, just called to find out how you want to pay?" After a 30 second pause, I said, "Oh, I thought I had paid off our last cycle." to which she calmly said, "No dear, this is for your upcoming cycle." Right.
- I haven't even started looking for super-cool leg warmers. I told Mook there was no way I was going to transfer without some. Just too damn cold--and my clinic does not give out valium, so I need something!
Now, to my blogging therapists--how have you snapped out of it, and how should I get my arse in gear? I'm not alone here, am I? Bueller?... Bueller?... Bueller?
Shouldn't I be uber-invested, so that rainbows and sunshine are coming out of my lady bits? I want to get up in the stirrups for my first ultrasound (thanks to Mook, I'll remember) and have the hallelujah chorus start playing. The sitcoms all have music playing at appropriate times, so why can't I?
Thank you so much for all the beautiful birthday wishes: it was all rainbows and sunshine for me yesterday!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
It doesn't matter where I am: when "Superstition" or "Sir Duke" comes on the radio, you are gonna see me booty-shakin'. "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" is one of my top three pick-me-up songs, and "I Just Called to Say I Love You" takes me down memory lane to when I was about five, and dancing in the kitchen with my mother as she sang to me:
I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart!
"Signed, Sealed, Delivered" played joyously through the room as Mook and I walked through the doors as Husband and Wife. The perfect song to tell the world we were hitched! So this song has always held a special place in my heart-whenever it comes on and Mook is around, I grab him and we dance like fools (this happened recently in Sam's Club). So although we really need some paper towels in bulk (thanks to Mosley), Mook isn't jumping at the opportunity to go back...
"The Box" came yesterday, and because of the personal nature of the contents I was the only one who was able to sign for it. I didn't get the butterflies I got last time, when I felt that all of these drugs were the magic ticket for getting us pregnant. Yesterday, I felt a bit more...numb. After I Signed for it, I placed the box under my desk and didn't think about it the rest of the day. Ignoring always worked in 3rd grade, when you wanted the boy you had a crush on to notice you--so I figure it could work on the meds too! I just won't pay them any mind, and then they will be dying for my attention!
Last Friday when I got home, I opened a package that had been Sealed with love.
"Hope is the eternal well from which life springs.
Hope is the promise of all good things."
This is what was inside. You may recognize it...because a sweet lady posted about this exact same bunny last year, in this post. She wrote: "It will someday be on my baby's crib as a reminder of how long I hoped to see him/her sleeping peacefully and what a blessing that day will be!" Cibele got her HOPE along with a BFP only days after this post...I remember how much hope it renewed in me to read that. So thank you my dear friend for passing along the hope to me.
The package couldn't have come on a better day, because the very next day my good friend Delivered her new baby girl: the day before Mother's Day. Any couple dealing with inferitlity that walks into a maternity ward on Mother's Day weekend, and doesn't have a mental breakdown, should be given a medal of honor (I'll contact the Pentagon and see what I can work out) I've mentioned before how wonderful these friends are, and honestly we are so happy for them--but jumpin' jehosaphat, that was a tough evening. When I held her and when I watched Mook hold her, my heart felt like it would jump out of my chest--there is no experience quite like holding a newborn.
Come back and tell me what song, and where you danced to it. That means you too, my lurker-friends! Or if you already know what song and where you'll be, go ahead and share--I may come find ya' and dance along! :0)
Friday, May 9, 2008
We are very thankful that this question has been answered, and along with the other puzzle pieces we've been collecting, we feel comfortable to give IVF numero dos the green light.
Big thanks to all who have been praying for us, and keeping this situation in your thoughts!
Thank you to everyone who left feedback about "Chunky or Smooth" After reading, and re-reading every one's comments and talking some more with Kate the IVF nurse, I've decided to stick with the PIO injections.
A few reasons: first one is a bit TMI, but I tend to easily get the infection caused by that thing that makes dough rise. So if I went with suppositories, I might be in for a mess...in more than one way. Another reason is my insurance: they cover PIO like it is baby aspirin, but give me a harder time about suppositories and pills--another lovely insurance mystery. Lastly, I'm used to it. It's one thing about this whole process that is familiar to me--and as weird as it sounds, it's a bit comforting to know I will be doing something I know I can handle.
I will be on BCP until May 21, and then I'll switch over to Lovely Lupron.
I've heard some horror stories from some of you about the headaches...I tend to become a raging mean-machine when I get hormone headaches. I had a really hard time with the estrace pills during the FET. So I'm hoping it will be worth the switch, since I won't be sniffing Synarel this time--headaches plus the taste of hairspray in my mouth was enough to make Mook want to slap a Biohazard sticker on my forehead.
While we're on the topic of crazy hormones, let me share a quick story...
I went into my local Starbucks on Tuesday--this happened to be an un-planned visit, since I've been weaning myself off caffeine. Isn't that the most lethal combination? Load up on hormones, and take away the coffee...not cool. Anyway--I'm so glad I decided to get coffee that morning, because it was free! A customer earlier that morning had left $100 to pay for other people's coffee. I've heard of this happening in other stores, so it was incredibly cool to be there while this was happening. As people found out their coffee was free, they gave over more money to keep the tradition going....I'm sure it lasted well into the day. Once I finally had my coffee, and was back in the car, I burst into tears! Then I started laughing, and then I really had to gain composure, because I know I looked like a crazy person laughing with tears rolling down my face. I need to look into getting that biohazard sticker...
OH! And I am really going to be a raging mean machine if Paris Hilton gets pregnant before I do, so help me God....I just might eat my weight in Big Macs if this happens.
I know it's going to be a tough day for a lot of us out there with what this weekend brings, so to all my future mommy buddies, I'm going to toast you this weekend for our continued journey together. To all of my mommy buddies, I'll be toasting you and and hoping that you will give your wee-one a nose nuzzle for me!
Speaking of Mother's Day, this question has honestly been bugging me the past few days when the commercial comes on TV. What does the owner of 1-800-Flowers get his wife for Mother's Day?
I blame it on those crazy caffeine deprived hormones...why the heck do I care what he gets his wife? He can probably buy her a country, if she wanted it. But it has honestly worried me, and I was running through all the things he might get her since, ummm, flowers are definitely old-hat.
P.S. Thank you sweet Kate and others for checking on us! We had terrible storms and a tornado touch down in our town last night. Thankfully, we will only have branches and leaves to clean up. (Kate also lives near by...glad you are OK!)
I have always been fascinated by tornadoes and would love to see one...in the Midwest, on an open plain...not on my street.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
10 million count; 20 % motility; 28 % morphology
By "normal" standards, this is still low, we are still 'great' candidates for IVF/ICSI, etc. but considering the fact that his first ever SA yielded only 2 million swimmers, we have reason to celebrate!! Mook has done a fantabulous job over the past year taking his vitamins, exercising, and eating well--and to be able to call and give him good news for once made me so happy. I could hear the excitement in his voice--he said "It's definite motivation to keep on track with what I'm doing!"
I'm also happy to report his infectious disease panel came back negative-so we are waiting on one last big piece of the puzzle: the chromosome results. Should be back by middle of next week--please pray, keep your fingers crossed, dance in the rain!
I can write about this now, because it's funny now but yesterday was looking pretty doom-and-gloom. Kate the nurse still hadn't gotten Mook's results faxed over from the lab (which should have been to her by Tuesday) so I had to do some investigating as to why...if you remember Mook's account of the sample/test-day, it was not an enjoyable time. He did end up dealing with a spectacular nurse at the lab he was instructed to leave his bodily fluids with. So I asked for her when I called to follow up.
Come to find out: the fax number was written down wrong...so yippee-let's fix it and get it on over to Kate to take a look-see! Not the end of the problem. Kind-lab-nurse calls me back--I immediately know something is wrong:
"JJ, honey, I've got some bad news...it seems that the urology office that Mook was referred to us from, didn't bother to mark on the form what you needed the SA for--therefore, we don't have the proper analysis results. The gist of what I'm trying to tell you: he's going to need to submit another sample."
Making that phone call to Mook was the last thing I wanted to do...but he was a trooper. He was, of course, upset--so we both counted the days it had been since he, ahem, produced a sample and we were in a good time frame--thank goodness. So with a RUSH order in one hand, and yet another romance-in-a-cup in the other, he trotted into yet another lab. And I got the results two hours later!
When Kate the nurse called to tell me the news, I was thrilled! She must have been surprised, because she reiterated that we would still need medical assistance. But today, I'm celebrating the small victories!
There are many blogs that "Make My Day" so, I'd like to highlight a few that are like the cream in my morning coffee :0)
Bee Cee @ Definition of Insanity
Alison @ (un) complicate me
Mel @ Where's My Belly?
MommaSoon @ The Making of a Family
Alison @ The Baby Crusade
Now it's your turn ladies, to spread the love. Thanks for Making My Day!
The weigh-in about Chunky vs. Smooth is split almost even! Thanks for all your feedback--be sure to weigh in if you haven't done so--I order my meds on Monday!
So cheers to 100 posts, and here's to 100 more--I think you know what my wish will be as I blow out the candles...