Not in my water....

Big 'effin Fat Negative.....heartbroken.

I already have a follow up planned for Wednesday.

I found out today that I was in the "win" category at my clinic for almost a 70-80% chance....sucks to be on the other side of that statistic.

Thanks for all the good thoughts....we'll be back to figure out what to do next.....

PS. Our pet beta fish died today

Will there be a tour?

Mook and I are sitting here together on the couch...it's hard for us to believe that we will be sitting in this same spot 24 hours from now, knowing whether Pearl and/or Jam held on...

It's going to be a long night--where I am sleepy, I'm not sure I'll do much sleeping. I can get to the clinic as early as 7:45am, and you know I'll be there to open the doors...

Still no major symptoms--yes, I know still early (by tomorrow its 8dp5dt). Some cramping and lower back pain--but my stupid Aunt does the same thing to me.

So one more sleep, as we all say here in blogland....and no, I never went and bought another pee stick, so I'm going on faith....

Thanks for all the positive vibes, chicken dances, prayers, thoughts and love--keep 'em going strong through tomorrow, please?

Love & Hope

Thank you thank you thank you thank you--for all the wonderful comments to the last post--you all are fantastic! I decided in honor of all the positive vibes and thoughts you are sending our way, that I should look on the bright side today and share with you a few things that have brought a smile to my face and hope into my heart in the past few weeks:

1. Love and Prayers: my family and friends (including you all!) who know what we are going through have been prayer warriors for us! I truly can't fathom the amount of hope, love and prayers that are being offered to us on a daily basis--that is the greatest gift.

2. A Paper Clip: Yes, a paper clip. There is a LONG history and significant meaning of a paper clip in Mook's and my relationship. It seems silly that a little piece of office equipment could mean so much, but it does. And lo-and-behold, the morning we walked in for our ER, I looked down as we entered the doors outside of the clinic, and my the tip of my flip-flop was touching a paper clip. That sent shivers down my spine, and Mook wore the paper clip on his shirt pocket the whole day (I think it's still there!) And I had a great ER!

3. A Lucky Penny: My family came down last weekend which was wonderful--I got to spend great time with my mom, and this helped keep my nerves at ease. We went out to dinner at our favorite diner in town, and as I stepped out of the truck my flip flop AGAIN touched the edge of a penny. A 1979 penny--the year Mook was born. Lucky? I hope...

4. Chinese Fertility Frog Chime: I mentioned this before, but the chime that my aunt sent us was such a gift--in many ways. The sweet gesture reminded us how lucky we are to have such a loving family-and hopefully since it's been hanging in our bedroom, it's been blessing our fertility!

5. A Grasshopper: This morning, as I opened my office door, a big grasshopper was waiting for me. Just one--and no other's have been found anywhere in my co-workers offices. Only spiders freak me out, so I didn't let out a yelp--I just got this big smile on my face. I remembered I had heard once that they meant good luck...and here is what I found:

"The Chinese symbol of good luck and abundance, Grasshopper gives people the ability to take chances. To move on hunches and take the leap forward. Things might not move for them as they do for other people; progress is not step-by-step, but rather extremely fast. Trust your own instincts on when to make the leaps. Trust your inner voice. It will lead you to great successes. Don’t be afraid to leap – and remember that Grasshopper only leaps forward – never backward."

Monday seems so far away. Yet, I almost don't what it to get here--it is so final. Any ideas on how I can keep myself occupied this weekend without too much strenuous activity? I know I'll be sending out some notes to my BB girls--and hopefully finishing HP, so that should help me pass the time!

I did put in another call to my embryologist at the encouraging of ArtBlog-we have spent a lot of $ on this whole process, so I might as well get my money's worth, right? =) I want to go over a few more questions about the blasts she transferred, so hopefully she will give me a call back today. That will help put me at ease a bit, since I feel like I have twisted and contorted her original report of our other embies to where I don't know what is what anymore....

Thanks again to all of you--this journey would be a whole lot different without you!

I'm Human Today....

And when you are human, you aren't perfect.....

I don't feel perfect today. This is a bit of a pity party, so don't feel inclined to read on, I just need to get this out.

I POAS this morning. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I had one left from the $ Store that I had gotten before our IUI, so when I woke up I went into zombie mode--went straight for the test, and got it in my head that I would get THE results today. Well guess what it was: BFN. Surprised? I still freaked out, had a little cry and then pulled myself together. I had acupuncture this morning, so I was looking forward to that calming me down. Before I left, I e-mailed a few of my close cycle-sisters for some moral support (thanks Serenity, Sticky, BH and Lara)

Acupuncture was good--helped me relax some. He actually threw me a bit of a curve ball that of sent me reeling again: "Feels like you have a slippery pulse--I see that a lot in pregnant women, and I havent felt this in your pulse before." Well gee-wiz, if you only knew I had just POAS and got the result I did--would you still say I'm slippery?!

A drove in a trance home--not knowing what to think. I have 2 grade A early blasts floating around, and have no idea if they are sticking, and it's driving me crazy.

Then my embryologist called. This was the icing on the cake. First, I am thankful I can even tell you all that we did have 3 to freeze. I realize this does not happen all the time, so for this I am very thankful. Not so great news: 7 didn't make it...and all of them started to "slow down in progress" from day 5-6. I was not prepared for this news. Our eggs had done so well-what caused them to "slow." So I immediately asked about the fate of the 2 that she transfered. She told me she still feels confident she chose the best--talk about having to trust someone! They were actually in "early" blast stage--so I am praying they hatched. She did not have to do assisted hatch, but all I can think about is Pearl and Jam not hatching and attaching...

So there is my pity party. I won't give up--there is still a way to go. I also talked to lovely nurse about making sure my beta wasn't too early (7/30) and she said she definitely still wanted me to come in that day. Good news is that I know the trigger shot is out of my system...

I wish I felt something! I want to know that they are hanging on. Even the prog. shots are not affecting me the way it has some of you ladies--no sore boobs--only time that happened was the day after trigger.

Has anyone else experienced a "slowing down of progression" diagnosis during your procedure? I don't want to rely on Dr. G00g.le...I just have to trust that our embryologist made the best decision she could...and now we continue to wait.

1dp5dt

The wait begins!

Everything went fine yesterday--I am now responsible for 2 grade A blasts....hopefully they are in the process of hatching and getting ready to implant. Any one's RE give them a window for hatching/implanting? Im interested to see if most opinions are the same--I was given anywhere from day 6-8. Any other foods/tricks/yoga poses I can do to make sure these babies implant??=)

Yesterday: I had pre-acupuncture and then transfer was at 11am-then the post acu. Both really made me feel at ease. Mook was able to dress in scrubs and come in the room with me--I just teared up thinking and hoping that the next time I would see him in scrubs would be in the delivery room....The embryologist said that both we were transferring looked "great" and that we will hopefully have 8 to freeze--I should find out in the next few days.

I'm feeling good...most of the time. Of course the nerves set in, and I get worried that I dont feel much going on down there...

Ill be taking it easy at least through tomorrow--just watching movies, reading and lounging. I would do this all the way until beta if I knew it was a guarantee! I would love to be reading Harry right now, but dear sweet Mook ordered it for me (thinking it would sell out) so it wont be here until Wednesday-at least it's something to look forward to!

So here is a cell-phone shot of our babes..."Pearl" and "Jam" Send them good sticky vibes!!=)

The Dirty Dozen

Thank you all SO much for all your support--Mook and I both are so thankful we have this wonderful group of cheerleaders. And I have to say, Mook has been quite flattered by all your lovely comments--he's been walking around with quite a big head thanks to you all=) But really, thank you for supporting his first blog post, and he will be back to make guest appearances!

So 15! I was thrilled--I had my mind set on 9 since thats what lovely nurse told us to expect. That way, I wouldnt get my hopes up or be disappointed-so to say I was thrilled is an understatement...and it gets better......

14 out of the 15 were mature. And 12 of those fertilized by ICSI. And guess what?! All 12 are in "the top grade"!!! I had a Hallelujah moment this afternoon when the embryologist called me--I was a little worried, since yesterday she called me promptly at 8am to tell me that the 14 were mature, and 12 had made it. So today...I didnt hear from her until 4. I was sort of glad in a way--that meant we had a better chance of making it to a 5dt. And so far, we are scheduled for noon on Sunday for transfer. I love love love the embryologist--she is the nicest, even tempered person--and has been SO positive about the quality of our embryos. She explained today that "they couldnt look better...usually we see some in the top grade, more in the middle range, and then some towards the bottom--but so far, all yours are top grade." I just thanked her over and over and cried when I hung up--called Mook right away. I know I was excited, but he was over the moon--"My boys are doing a good job!" That just made me cry all over again--this news has really helped him feel that his is not "broken."

Right now, we feel so blessed. We know this is just another hurdle we have cleared--and there are still many to go. But if nothing else, we have succeeded for today. We have beat IF for the moment. We are currently growing 12 healthy embryos. We continue to be thankful and mindful that it can all change in the blink of an eye. So for today, we don't feel broken. Today we feel we are being given a chance....our "dir.ty dozen" are fighters!

7/17/07 - Mook describes...

So today was the day... 9am. Approximately 68 miles away from our door step; Mook here, for an inside look at the 1st IVF procedure.
The festivities began late last night, as JJ and I headed out for her "last meal." Apparently, the patient isn't supposed to eat or drink anything at least 12 hours prior to the retrieval. We hit a local hot spot and JJ enjoyed a final wish in food terms to satisfy her cravings.
The second gem of said procedure was that both partners are encouraged not to wear deodorant or any other smelly-good items the day of. So, as you may imagine, the summers in the south are not forgiving to this practice...(on my behalf especially)
5:30am came quickly and following a morning shower and the coming to terms with the not-so-fragrant doctors orders, we headed out to the "Big City" for the retrieval. *I'll try to provide you as much detail without detail as I can to keep you up to speed. As mentioned earlier, the appointment was at 9am, so we left early to ensure prompt arrival not to mention the enjoyment of navigation in said "Big City." Nevertheless, we arrived at about 8:30 with plenty of time to have our motivational pow-wow in the car before going in to provide some scientific practice.
Upon entering the office, we submitted our names and were seated.
**SIDE NOTE STORY HERE** Of course, I manage to see an old high school chum here in the office, which was a little odd in that neither of us live or work in this area nor are we from this area. Not that it is an embarrassment to be here in a fertility office, but the mood isn't one of catching up with long lost friends. I managed to keep my distance whilst
making his presence known with the subtle head nod that the male species readers are sure to know and love as their own. Regardless of a response, I wish him the best of luck in this endeavor as well.
Sorry for that...Back to the original story. So we had just gotten comfortable on the doctor prescribed couches. They have to be prescribed since the same couches are in every doctors office in the free world; just with a different fabric covering to match the decor. JJ was reading strategically placed books about embryos and their changes during growth. I had just begun a game on our traveling companion, the Nin.tendo DS, when my name was called. Short introductions and then the fun began.
"Here's a sample cup for you. Have a great time!" said the nurse, while pointing towards the "Andrology Room." Again detail without detail, I did my deed and off I went back to the waiting area. I will mention that the "Andrology Room" perhaps makes things more uncomfortable than they should be.
A few more minutes passed and a different nurse came to call us back. I was sat in a curtain room while JJ was taken to be disrobed and briefed on the upcoming procedure. JJ returned in a hospital gown complete with the ass slit in the back for natural air circulation. She was seated and the normal process began; Insurance? Health history? Allergies, etc? Then the inserted IV which administered the pain medication for her return to consciousness.
I was dismissed after a heart felt kiss was placed on JJ's lips for luck. I returned to the waiting area. JJ, meanwhile was laid out on the operating table with stirrups. Her introduction to the anesthesia was about to begin...That must be some good stuff... It was a matter of minutes before I was beckoned back to the curtain room to see my wife, the woman of my dreams and desires come out of egg retrieval surgery. As I turned the corner, the door to the operating room flew open and what do I see/hear? The nurse was assisting JJ up when JJ achieved a thrill ride posture complete with the howling and hilarity of death defying leaps to safety. The entire nursing staff at this point had all come to pay homage to her journey...or perhaps it was her return...
"It may take her a few minutes to come out of the fog," the nurse instructed me. "She did amazingly well; We were able to retrieve a total of 15 eggs!" I was in awe of the total but extremely happy also. Needless to say, once the fog had lifted, JJ was enthralled as well with the results. Still a bit wobbly, I assisted JJ with her clothing and we headed home. The task was done and another task was done to get us closer to the goal. Once we returned home, we both caught up on some much needed sleep in recuperation for the days events. I have to say that I am proud of JJ and what she has gone through thus far. She is a real trooper and I love her so...

Ultrasound canceled...

But for good reasons...ER is tomorrow morning! I talked to lovely nurse Friday evening, and got the remainder of my med protocol, and I triggered last night!

I had all sorts of dreams this weekend--and most of them were about the first thing I said when I came out of anesthesia--"How many did they get?!" I remember good an bad...one dream it was 25, the other it was none. Can you tell I'm anxious?

The h.cg shot felt oddly cold as I injected it...and is more sore at the injection site than the stim drugs, but generally I feel fine. I napped quite a bit this weekend, and my ovaries are definitely making their presence known. My 2nd acupuncture appointment is tonight--hoping it will help me calm my nerves!

I'd appreciate any prayers/chicken dances/good vibes being sent our way tomorrow--for me and Mook--I know he will be nervous about being away from me, and for doing "his part" for this process! Thank you so much!!

Any last minute tips?

Kashing In...

Oh the mighty dollar. Most of us can relate to how money plays a BIG role in our journey through IF. Whether or not insurance covers all, some, or none of the procedures we all go through, we can all relate to a time in this journey where we wrote a check we hoped would cash...

I'm not a rich person. I could easily be called frugal-I am a bargain hunter! I save pennies for a rainy day. I panic if I can't find a receipt that was for a measly $2 if it throws my check book balance off kilter. I guess you could say I'm a tiny bit obsessive about making sure my money is safe and secure where I need it to be.

But today, I'm kashing in. ALL of it....but not the traditional dollar. I would like to take my life savings in good karma to the Karma Bank and place all I've ever earned onto this one thing. That thing being this IVF cycle we are smack in the middle of.

I am lucky--I grew up with loving parents, good morals and usually know right from wrong. So being raised well, with good morals and usually doing the right thing, you would think I would have mega-bucks to kash in, right? Well, only the One above can tell you that. Not even I know how big a check I am kashing in today. Cause you know what? I sure aint perfect. I've made mistakes, I've made the wrong choice, I've hurt people. So karma has come back to bite me in the butt a time or two, and taken a fair share of dollar bills back with it. So that's when I think, "Hey, I'll throw in Mook's check too!" He definitely has a nice big check to kash---but guess what? He aint perfect either.

So as I approach my final ultrasound on Monday, my retrieval in the days following, the transfer, and the dreaded 2ww, I would like to coast through in peace knowing that my check kashed. We are going to be blessed with a positive outcome because all the good we have ever done will be sending the good karma into our eggs/sperm/blasts/baby....

And I'd like to think I'll have some left over...and what better way to get more good karma, then to share! So if you feel you may need a little extra kash to add to your check, let me know--I'll mail you some! Just "Pay it Forward". Be good to someone today. Do a good deed tomorrow, and before long-you'll have some left over!

**********************************************

Stat updates: Ultrasound on Wednesday showed 11 on one side and 13 on the other with the biggest measuring 12. I still have a few that were under 7. E2 level was 848.

Today showed my right side with about 6 that will make the cut-biggest one being 15. My left side is the big producer. 22 on that one side--about 11 will make the cut. Biggest on that side is almost 16. My lovely nurse said I "was the best scan today" and that I was having a good response--none are under or over performing. I'm still waiting on E2 levels and the remainder of my med protocol. I'm definitely noticing my ovaries--esp my left side, and just feel sleepy...

We are just going to take it easy this weekend--Im going to listen to my low-stress music and rub on my fertility stone from Lara! My favorite aunt sent us a Chinese fertility frog chime--it's hanging on our fan in our bedroom...good vibes! Just so thankful my stress level is remaining low-and hope it continues!

There in there dancin'....

So it seems they are tap dancing at a nice steady pace!

Stats of the ultrasound and blood work:

Still a good handful of follies on each side-largest measuring 9mm. "Lovely, and just what we like to see." I have at least 4-5 on each side that are almost ready to measure, and could catch up. Lefty is out performing Righty, which surprises me.

E2 level as of day 3 1/2 of stims: 282 (I am guessing this is good? I cant find a definitive answer, but Dr. Kid said it was). "Dr. Kid is thrilled with your progress, and we will see you Wednesday for another scan!"

1st accu appointment tonight--I'm not putting much stock in that latest study--If I feel relaxed and less stressed, then it's worth it!

A good appointment! I am happy with it-I just keep coaching and telling the follies to be slow and steady, grow nice and strong--slow and steady wins the race!

My nurse is great--very upbeat, and she just got back from vacation and she was just a bit more "bouncy" this morning, so I said: "You must have had a great vacation!" She said that they had, but that she was more happy about the 4 couples they had go through IVF last month are ALL pregnant! That's a 100% success rate....I hope the July group is just as lucky!

She's Baaaack...

Thanks for hanging on with me through the unknown of yesterday...what a tense day. I enjoyed all the cute comments on how to make her show her ugly face--and I giggled when I got an e-mail from Mook that said: "Any news on your aunt coming to town?" I was so proud of his use of the lingo! AF finally arrived in her full glory about 7pm--way to wait til the last minute. And she must have heard me complaining about her late arrival since she came in roaring--terrible cramps. They are much calmer today, but I'm staying hydrated to keep the pain to a minimum.

SO--that means I started stims this morning. Wow, what a process. First of all, it didn't hurt at all--I dont have a fear of needles, so I was ready to jab. BUT my concern is getting all the damn mixture out of the vials!! I can only bend that needle so far. So I was panicking about getting all the juice out--does anyone have tips for getting the brav. and menap. completely out of that little vial? I got most of it--but I kept turning them over and over to make sure there wasnt a lot left--its hard to see! And I must say a big thank you to Portia for reminding me to breathe in and out as I was jabbing and removing--that made it easier.

I haven't had any side affects yet (that I can tell) other than just being tired--but that started when I began snorting the syn.arel. Hopefully the scan Monday will show my little Zig.feld follies tap dancing their way to good size!

A Favor...

Hope everyone had a nice holiday!

I had a little (and I mean little) firework of my own when I did the TP Tango to find a smidge of sign of AF dropping off her bags..........and that's been it. Just spotting here and there. Cramps are there, oh yes--she can be SO cruel.

So I need your help*. Isn't the first time I've asked, and it won't be the last....


Please pray, do a little voo-doo dance, and rub your lucky stones that I start my period!! Please? Thanks! I really can't think of anything more cruel right now than to have a delayed IVF cycle because of AF--who we all wish would stay away. I mean really....what twist in the universe is causing this? I feel like I have repented for every sin, said Im sorry (in my head) to anyone I ever made fun of (like that woman this morning wearing a terrible outfit). So please oh please, AF just drop off your bags this one last time....

*Anyone have any AF indu.cing tips/tricks. (Already tried the s3x trick...that brought the smidge.)

-----------UPDATED--------------
Just got a call from Dr. Kid's nurse....definitely cannot start stims until AF shows in her full glory. Damn.

Baseline Update

Thanks for all who understood me yesterday....I know it's mostly the hormones talkin.' It's nice to just be able to let it out. As soon as I hit "publish post" I let it go, and just moved on. By moving on, I started worrying a tad about my appointment that was this morning.

First, I realized that I have not yet "named" my RE. As silly as this sounds, he looks kinda like one of the guys that used to be on that show: "Kid.s In the H.all" Anyone remember that show? So I will call him Dr. Kid. I know-ironic aint it?

Dr. Kid and the nurse (my regular nurse is on vacation--glad she is getting rested before my cycle!) came on in and hoisted me into the stirrups (not literally of course).

First, Dr. Kid did a mock transfer--since I had an h.sg earlier this year, we did not have to go through the saline part--and he took measurements and all that jazz. I didnt even feel the catheter--unlike last time when I had the i.ui--maybe they have to push the catheter up further for that? Anyway, it was painless, and all looks good. As he was doing the transfer, he said "Now that you have stopped BCP, you might spot or bleed a little...whoa...change that, you WILL bleed." I had an 11mm lining ready to shed!

So once again in the crazy journey, I have to hope and pray that AF does drop off her bags--because I can't start stims until she does. So let's hope she's on her way....

Then came the "hold your breath" moment. Found the right ovary--no cysts, yay! I have around 9 follies in there. Then over to the left--no cysts, yay! Lefty was being kind of shy--he said he could see around 7. So maybe there are still some hiding. I have to admit, I had a silly goal for myself--I have been coaching my ovaries--and I wanted around 18...and that is pretty close. Again, maybe some shy ones in there. So dance on my little Zig.feld follies!

So stims start Friday, if AF has come. Then I go in Monday to see how I am responding--he said I'm "intermediate" right now, so he's not 100% positive if I will respond normally/under/or over. So I'm glad I'll know sooner than later!


PS I love my new user pic--Mook insisted on having a "Wear to Make Aware" bracelet, so we are holding hands with our nifty threads!

I'm that person...

I'm that person who has a renewed sense of hope after so many lovely ladies getting BFP in the past few days.

I'm that person who sits here with a half smile on her face with a circling thought: I WANT to be that lucky.

I'm that person who has officially been trying "over one year to get pregnant"

I'm that person who wonders if simply sniffing a nasal spray is keeping my ovaries from popping out some eggs.

I'm that person who is worried about every single little detail: bubbles in the vial, sticking a vein, not enough eggs/too many eggs, my egg-his sperm not being friendly....oh the list goes on.

I'm that person who is hiding her face even as she types this: Will there be a BFP left for me?
(*funny how I think that the universe only allows a certain amount of BFP's..............but really, does it??)

Baseline ultrasound tomorrow. Last BCP was last night. Tick-tock....

*******************************************************

tagged by Sarah

10 things I can't stand

1 Worrying
2 Worrying that I worry
3 Colonies of ants in my kitchen pantry
4 Rude children
5 Jealousy
6 Long lines at the DMV
7 Stereotypes
8 Macy Gray's voice
9 IF
10 A runny nose (mine especially)

20 things I love

1 My mom's voice
2 Mooks hug's
3 My sister's laugh
4 My brother's goofy jokes
5 My dad's witty personality
6 cold st.one ice cream
7 mexican food
8 margaritas
9 wine
10 my pillows
11 my doggie
12 pasta and meatballs
13 evening walks with mook
14 having a REALLY clean car (i need to work on that)
15 vacuuming
16 singing
17 sitting at the beach with a book
18 james pat.terson books
19 building a snow man
20 camping