And when you are human, you aren't perfect.....
I don't feel perfect today. This is a bit of a pity party, so don't feel inclined to read on, I just need to get this out.
I POAS this morning. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I had one left from the $ Store that I had gotten before our IUI, so when I woke up I went into zombie mode--went straight for the test, and got it in my head that I would get THE results today. Well guess what it was: BFN. Surprised? I still freaked out, had a little cry and then pulled myself together. I had acupuncture this morning, so I was looking forward to that calming me down. Before I left, I e-mailed a few of my close cycle-sisters for some moral support (thanks Serenity, Sticky, BH and Lara)
Acupuncture was good--helped me relax some. He actually threw me a bit of a curve ball that of sent me reeling again: "Feels like you have a slippery pulse--I see that a lot in pregnant women, and I havent felt this in your pulse before." Well gee-wiz, if you only knew I had just POAS and got the result I did--would you still say I'm slippery?!
A drove in a trance home--not knowing what to think. I have 2 grade A early blasts floating around, and have no idea if they are sticking, and it's driving me crazy.
Then my embryologist called. This was the icing on the cake. First, I am thankful I can even tell you all that we did have 3 to freeze. I realize this does not happen all the time, so for this I am very thankful. Not so great news: 7 didn't make it...and all of them started to "slow down in progress" from day 5-6. I was not prepared for this news. Our eggs had done so well-what caused them to "slow." So I immediately asked about the fate of the 2 that she transfered. She told me she still feels confident she chose the best--talk about having to trust someone! They were actually in "early" blast stage--so I am praying they hatched. She did not have to do assisted hatch, but all I can think about is Pearl and Jam not hatching and attaching...
So there is my pity party. I won't give up--there is still a way to go. I also talked to lovely nurse about making sure my beta wasn't too early (7/30) and she said she definitely still wanted me to come in that day. Good news is that I know the trigger shot is out of my system...
I wish I felt something! I want to know that they are hanging on. Even the prog. shots are not affecting me the way it has some of you ladies--no sore boobs--only time that happened was the day after trigger.
Has anyone else experienced a "slowing down of progression" diagnosis during your procedure? I don't want to rely on Dr. G00g.le...I just have to trust that our embryologist made the best decision she could...and now we continue to wait.
big hugs to you! My little POAS experiment has caused me some distress too and I'm at 7dp5dt. Called the RE because I got another BFP and talked to an asst. RN who was not so positive. I guess we both have to wait it out a few more days.
ReplyDeleteTotally sucks, but I'm with you :) as are "pearl" and "jam"!!!
the fact is they just don't grow as well in the dish as they can in you, so it's normal for them to slow. that's why a 3dt is sometimes best. please don't agonize yourself over that, pearl and jam are where they need to be, the other 7 were not. congrats on the 3 who made it to freeze. i didn't have any and it didn't turn out to be any indication of the quality of the one who stuck.
ReplyDeleteand if it were me, i'd have those dueling thoughts of hope and doom even if there was no pee stick or slippery pulse. it's enough to drive anyone insane. hang in there just a little longer! we're all rooting for you!!
This is so frustrating. I wish I had some wonderful assvice to help you, but I got nothing. This process is just torture and it sucks. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteJJ,
ReplyDeleteSorry you are feeling blue. The 2ww is very hard, and no matter how strong we are and how positive we are...this whole IF stuff brings about self doubt and sometimes zaps our hope.
So, I know you know this, but I am going to tell you anyway. There is NO WAY that an HPT would tell you anything right now. Not at all. Period. Most HPT's pick up a minimum of 25 IU's of HCG. So, let's do the math. At 12dpt, my RE said that 100 is a good beta. We know that a beta doubles about ever 48 hours. So, if I had a good, strong beta of 100 at 12dpt. beta would be 50 at 10dpt, 25 at 8dpt, 12.5 at 6dpt, and 6.25 at 4dpt. You took your HPT at 4dpt. No hpt is going to pick up a 6.25 HCG.
Really, you would have to be at 8-10 dpt to see anything....and then that all depends on the brand of test you have. Some only show a positive at 40 IU. Making the day it comes up + even further out.
So, try to hang in there. Believe me, I know that this is one of the hardest waits of your life.
Keep hope. Right now you are pregnant until proven otherwise. Hold on to that.
May the 30th get here quick!
The 2ww sucks, and pee sticks aren't always accurate. Hang in there my dear. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeletea big hug to you my friend!!I am saying some prayers for you and mook. Boy these emotions, 2ww's and other etc crap just really can suck the fun right out of us. Hang in there. Blessings to you FArah
ReplyDeleteYou guys are in my prayers. It must be so hard to wait. Lots of hugs. :)
ReplyDeleteI really hope it was just too early to POAS and that your accupuncturist is onto something.
ReplyDeleteHoney, you are only at 3dp5dt right? Hang in there! There is still a LOT of HOPE to be had!! It is VERY early for POAS -- try again Sunday and then we will talk. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I had many embryos that slowed down. The only reason that my RE's and embryologists could give is that something was wrong with that embryo for it not to thrive. IVF is still such an inexact science that they just have to pick what looks best and the rest is just hope. The fact that they put back your two best and you have 3 to freeze is a good sign!!
Hang in there!
Lurker sending out some hugs to you! You're still way early, I still got a BFN the morning of my positive beta. Try again in a few days, and see what happens.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jamie -- it's very early for you to expect anything from POAS. There's still plenty of time to build up some HCG. I'm sorry the waiting sucks, but you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteIt is quite early to trust the results of a POAS. And, I had more confidence in my acupuncturist at times than I did in the western medical types. I'm squarely in the optimistic camp.
ReplyDeleteBoth times when I was pg, my boobs did not start getting tingly until a day or two before 14dpo.
ReplyDeleteAnd acupuncturists are trained at spotting the "slippery pulse" in pg women so they won't do certain points on women who don't know they are pg yet. Lizard Queen gave the best rationale as to why your POAS turned up negative.
Hang in there sister. Lord knows it is agony, but we're all here supporting you.
Hang in there!I am still holding on to HOPE for you, Pearl, and Jam.
ReplyDelete~I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky,~"Black" by Pearl Jam
Sending you virtual hugs!
i echo the comments of others in that i think it's way too early to rely on the results of the pee stick.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry it's all hitting you so hard today though. i hope the rest of this 2ww goes by FAST and that you get the best possible news about Pearl and Jam!
Hey JJ-I'm thinking of you here and hoping you can get through the next 5 days without too much anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it was way too early to test. I hope you don't have anymore tests in the house, there is no need to put any more torture on yourself. Hang in there, JJ. It isn't over yet.
ReplyDeleteLike others, I think that you probably POAS a bit on the early side. It's always rough seeing a bit fat nothing, enough to get anyone's spirits down.
ReplyDeleteAs for embryos slowing down, that definitely happened to me on my last IVF cycle. At one point I had 30 fertilized, then 26 were growing with 10 looking "really good," but by the time it got to freezing at 5-6 days past retrieval, I was down to 7. So I think there's always a winnowing process. I have heard that letting them grow to 5 days helps the embryologist determine quality, so I think Pearl and Jam are probably in good shape. I've tried 3 day transfers too and FETs with 3 day embryos, and while my attrition rate before the transfer was a lot lower (got 13 out of 19 embryos), my success rate was still zero.
I guess that's just a really long and round about way of saying that there's no really good way of knowing, but I think all of your stats are completely normal. Wishing you the best!
Hang in there, sister! I so hear you on the symptoms front. I'm basically feeling nothing. But, in reality, I think the symptoms thing is false anyway. (After all, the most "pregnancy" symptoms I've ever had were last month on BCP. Go figure.)
ReplyDeleteIn any case, I'm really hoping for you and hoping that pearl and jam are nestling in for the long haul!
thinking of you!
I think the fact that your acupuncturist felt the slippery pulse rocks! Just hang in there girl; I think its too early to POAS on a stick also. Big hugs to you and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you :)
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs to you and Mook. Hang in there and burn any pee sticks you have left. Resist the urge to buy more! Trust that Pearl and Jam have a great place to hang out for the next 9 months. Most of all, keep busy.
ReplyDeleteGood thought to you both!
Hi Janel, just want to send you a big virtual hig... I am still hoping for a BFP for you
ReplyDeleteHey slippery pulse is a good sign!!! I know my acupuncturist told me that she looked for that in pregnant women, and maybe it shows up before a pee stick can be positive! Think positive!
ReplyDeleteListen to the others. 5dt are tough because the embryos just don't grow as well in a petri dish as they do in the ute.
ReplyDeleteYou have some excellent blasts, hon, and I am convinced that if you WAIT UNTIL IT'S NOT TOO EARLY TO POAS, you'll get good news. Really. I'm convinced.
I have a 100% success rate with cyclesistas so far. Trust me on this. :)
*hug* hang in there, ok? And stay away from the pee sticks.
I'll keep thinking positive thoughts for you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, I know everyone else has said this already, and it is nothing you don't already know.
ReplyDeleteTime stands still during the 2ww. So keep treating yourself. Go to a movie, go see a sporting event/play/whatever you can watch to take your mind off things. Just distract yourself as best you can, I know it is impossible.
on my successful cycle i transferred two (at day3.) none of the remaining seven made it to freeze. i was really bummed about this, and like you, was assured that the "best two" were transferred. at the time, it really didn't make me feel better. totally normal feelings, all.
ReplyDelete(and i agree with the others, too early to have an accurate poas result! i wish the wait didn't suck so bad. hang in there...)
It's WAY too early to be P'gOAS! Step away from the sticks and concentrate on good happy things.
ReplyDeleteThis 2WW is actually the very hardest part of IVF - the rest of it's a breeze really. Hang on in there and i'm sure your slippery pulse will shine through.
Fingers crossed for you xx
i think it is too early. the nurse at our clinic said even testing the day they do the test can be early -- it depends on the type of test etc.
ReplyDeletethe waiting is the hardest. try and remember to take some nice deep breathes once in a while.
im hoping for you and pearl and jam.
thinking of you..and wishing you that BFP!!!!
ReplyDeletehang in there, only a few more days.
GOOD LUCK
((HUGS)) Step away from the sticks!! :)
ReplyDeleteYour still way too early to get a positive results. Don't lose hope. I'm praying for you and Pearl and Jam :)
And I POAS a First Response Early Result and 11DPO, got a BFN and cried my eyes out. The next day I got my BFP. So don't stress!
((hugs))
I wish I could say some magical words that would make you feel calm and relaxed. And I hope you do have a slippery pulse because you are pregnant. Good luck and I'm still pulling for Pearl and Jam. Hang in there! ~hugs~
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say it was too early! Step away from the pee sticks. And I'm hoping for the 30th to roll around soon with lovely results. x
ReplyDeleteJust hang in there! Sometimes you don't get any symptoms at all this early. So just no peeing! (on the stick, I mean) :-)
ReplyDeleteI promised I wouldn't comment on vacation, but I wanted you to know that I've got my fingers crossed for you and I'm sending bucketfuls of happy thoughts and love your way!
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, why do we torture ourselves this way. It is still too early. I know you're inpatient, your talking to the queen of impatience.
ReplyDeleteWhat else can I say but hang on in there, no more tests ok?
X
You're welcome to email me too, I know I'm head in with the renovations but I always have time for you :)
I wish that I had something more exciting to say, but I'm thinking about you. I hope things are more clear (and happier) soon!
ReplyDeleteI don't think I can add anything that hasn't been said already- DON'T necessarily trust those pee sticks!!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you during this 2ww. It sucks. Just try to keep yourself busy. My philosophy was- hope for the best but prepare for the worst (if that is even possible...) I am so hoping you will hear good news!
Oh btw in answer to your question- I had NO symptoms leading up to my positive beta. Perhaps some reallllly light cramps, but they were probably imagined. So don't give up hope just because you don't feel anything. (AND my beta levels ended up being really high- but I had felt nothing!)
ReplyDeleteTry to keep the hope alive. I know it is hard and we are so used to be disappointed- but we're all still hoping for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are having a rough day. I'll continue to send good thoughts to Pearl & Jam.
Don't worry about the lack of symptoms due to the shots...I never had any symptoms after mine...other than a sore rump. I just started them again yesterday...so hopefully I won't have those symptoms this time around either.
ReplyDeleteBTW, the blog this will connect you to is my everyday blog...my IVF blog is http://sugarandice.wordpress.com PW is "frozen"